WrestleMania 33 is fast approaching, and many things are up in the air (as is the case in many years, due to injuries, last-minute changes, storylines flopping, and on and on. We’ve heard there have been some top matches “locked in” for months … and then Seth Rollins got injured. Neither current world champion may hold their respective belt when the biggest show of the year rolls around. And there’s the eternal Finn Bálor question.
All the usual wrestling news players are beginning to report on the rumors and spoilers for how the Mania card appears to be shaping up, and if you’re like me, you just can’t keep yourself from clicking on those spoilers. So let’s try to sort out everything that’s been reported so far, and see if it all makes sense. (Unless otherwise noted, all rumors below originated with the Wrestling Observer or PWInsider.)
Here’s the rumored card so far, which (besides Brock vs. Goldberg) is based on reports, rumors, and best guesses on our part. Be aware that none of this is substantiated, and that there may accidentally be spoilers in here, so read on at your own peril and take everything with a Doritos Locos-level amount of salt.
The rumored card, listed in order of “Man, you KNOW this is gonna happen” to “wait what”:
1. Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg. THE WAR TO SETTLE THE SCORE. THE FEAST TO SETTLE THE BEAST. The, uh … blerg … to finish the, uh … well, anyway, we know this one is happening. The only wrinkle here is — and here is another potential spoiler warning, so you’re legally not allowed to get upset at me — whether this match will be for a title or not. Reports indicate the current plan is for Goldberg to win the Universal Championship from Kevin Owens at Fastlane, and this potential main event could be for Raw’s top prize.
Not a lot to unpack here, except that Raw’s world title might be held by a part-timer heading into WrestleMania, where it … might be won by another part-timer. The good news is that people are still excited about Lesnar vs. Goldberg thanks to the amazing booking at Survivor Series, and hopefully both of them are able to give us something close to the match we should have gotten the first time around, back at WrestleMania XX.
2. Shaq vs. Big Show. This is the only match that’s actually confirmed for the show, and Big Show apparently has a fire lit under his ass about it. It’s either going to be an impeccably-booked celebrity wrestling masterpiece, like Show vs. Mayweather, or Stephen Amell at SummerSlam, or it’s going to be an absolute trainwreck. Either way, I honestly can’t wait.
3. Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens. It was always going to happen sooner or later, because nothing gold can stay. Jericho will be leaving to pursue Fozzy-related things shortly after WrestleMania, so the end of Team Kevin and Chris always had to end at WrestleMania. There is, again, the question of whether this will be for the Universal Championship, the United States Championship, or neither. (OR BOTH??) But this one’s pretty much written in in ink.
4. Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton. See above. The New Wyatt family was awesome in theory and even more awesome in far-too-short practice, but it’s already breaking down. Wyatt and Orton will split apart, and they’ll probably be wrestling for the WWE Championship. The Observer says Wyatt has been intended for a world title run this year, and that he’ll almost certainly capture the title at the Elimination Chamber, which is the only way this match will happen. You know, because Orton won the Royal Rumble and is owed a world title match at WrestleMania.
John Cena has the world title at the moment, but WWE isn’t booking Cena vs. Orton at WrestleMania in the year 2017. They’re just not. They know. They may get some things wrong from time to time, but trust me: they know.
5. Roman Reigns vs. Undertaker. This is another match that has supposedly been high on Vince McMahon’s list for some time, and the Observer says WWE wants fans to view it as a passing of the torch. So basically the race is on to see how hard people can crap on Reigns potentially beating Undertaker at WrestleMania. I like Roman, and I’m already cringing on his behalf at the backlash he’ll face if he gets one over on the Dead Man at his event.
This might very well be one of Undertaker’s last WrestleMania matches, and if they’re not going to go with Taker vs. Cena, this is probably the next best option. Plus, it takes Reigns out of the WrestleMania main event for the first time since WrestleMania XXX, so that might go a long way towards letting fans give this one a bit more of a chance.
Nah, probably not.
6. Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal. The Dré is an institution at this point, and all three of the previous ones have been pretty damn fun. It seems like this is Braun Strowman’s WrestleMania moment to lose, so expect Kalisto to headscissors him into oblivion so that we get a full year of the trophy being six times larger than the guy who won it.
7. Raw Women’s Championship Match. This is definitely happening, and it will almost certainly mean the end of Charlotte Flair’s pay-per-view win streak. The only real question is who will be the exact participants in the match? Will it be a straight-up singles match between Bayley and Charlotte? Will Sasha be added to the mix and give us two straight years of Triple Threat matches at Mania between the women?
The reports indicate the plan is for a Fatal Four-Way between Charlotte, Bayley, Sasha, and Nia Jax, to up the ante from last year. That makes a sort of sense based on how the four women have been booked on television lately, but I wouldn’t be surprised at any permutation of the four competitors. The only thing that’s for sure is that there will be a Raw Women’s Championship bout, and that the Smackdown women are on the verge of being royally hosed.
8. John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse. So going back to Orton vs. Wyatt … if Cena doesn’t have the WWE Championship when WrestleMania rolls around, what does he do? The rumor of this mixed tag team match has been floating around for a few weeks, and while I’m all for any possible way we can get the Miz in a featured WrestleMania match to reward him for his lights-out year in 2016, it could have even more intrigue if it does indeed end up being Nikki Bella’s final WWE match, as rumored.
And if this thing ends with an in-ring proposal? Oh man, forget about it. It’s been way too long since we’ve had an earnest wrestling proposal in WWE, and this could be the “Macho Man screaming ‘ELIZABET”” for a new generation. Bonus points if Cena can keep his proposal to fewer than six dick and/or balls jokes.
9. Triple H vs. [???]. This was supposed to be Triple H vs. Seth Rollins and it was one of the three most ironclad matches at WrestleMania. Now Seth has torn his knee to smithereens again and his status for WrestleMania is completely up in the air. And we are all sad.
Triple H is still reportedly very insistent on wrestling on the card, and supposedly WWE is hard at work on potential backup plans. Could Samoa Joe turn his rage toward his employer after successfully eliminating Rollins? Could Shane McMahon and H battle for supremacy of brand quality or whatever it is Raw and Smackdown are feuding over? We don’t know. No one knows. But Triple H will probably be wrestling, and he’ll probably want the best opponent he can get. IT COULD BE ANYONE. (Except the other people already wrestling on the show. Probably not them.)
10. AJ Styles vs. [???]. The biggest breakout star of 2016 was AJ Styles, bar none. He was one of the hottest acts in the company all year, and carried Smackdown since the WWE Draft. He should absolutely be on the biggest show of the year, but his options for an opponent are limited if he’s not going to be in the title picture.
I think most people would prefer for Shinsuke Nakamura to come up to the main roster and for the two of them to repeat their Wrestle Kingdom magic on the biggest stage possible. But it’s far more likely that Nakamura will come up after WrestleMania, if he’s coming to the main roster at all. Still, we can always keep the dream alive. In our hearts.
The rumored plan for Styles at this point, however, is that he may have a singles match against Shane McMahon, presumably for some manner of stakes. Given Styles’ increasing frustration with Shane on Smackdown, it wouldn’t be the most surprising thing if that were to happen.
11. Finn Bálor? And here we are again. The Eternal Finn Question. Bálor has been saying loudly and often that his “hard target” return date will be at WrestleMania. If Kevin Owens were to hold onto the Universal Championship all the way to Mania, The Demon King returning to reclaim the title he never actually lost would seem to be a no-brainer. But you could probably position him against almost anyone in the upper reaches of the card and it would be worth it for his entrance alone.
Bálor is anything but a lock for WrestleMania, but if he’s able to wrestle in time for the show, WWE will probably look to get him on the card.
12. And The Rest! So where does that leave us? Well, with the makings of 10 matches (more or less) already, it leaves us without a match for the Intercontinental Championship, neither Tag Team Championship being defended, and the Smackdown Women’s Championship not being involved. Seems like there could still be some more matches added before is all said and done — last year’s WrestleMania had 12 matches, and with another six-hour event planned this year, that number seems about right for the latest installment.
Again, these are all just reports and rumors for the moment. There’s still time for anything to happen. Like … Rusev challenging for the Universal Championship, or American Alpha setting the world on fire. You know; realistic stuff.
When you’re predicting your own WrestleMania card at home, remember to carve out 45 minutes for The Rock to come out and use a trebuchet to fire T-shirts into the crowd or whatever. Just for accuracy’s sake.
Which of the rumors have you most excited or most concerned? Are you convinced something’s going to happen or not happen? Let us know in the comments below!
