he is going to hit a German for the three
Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The Hart Family continues to disintegrate because two people they’re related to are having a wrestling match. Also on the show, an injured teen booed Razor Ramon, and Papa Shango cursed a camera.
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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for August 29, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
Up first this week is Joey Maggs, a familiar face if you watched WCW’s weekend programming in the ’90s. You may know him from his time in Australia, where he wrestled as “Kangaroo Periodicals.”
Maggs’ nickname is “Jumping” Joey, because like Jim Brunzell he’s only interesting enough to be advertised as a guy who can perform basic human tasks. You never see guys named “Climbing” Joey Maggs or “Walking” Jim Brunzell. White guys being able to leave their feet was still seen as an impossibility until Woody Harrelson proved science wrong.
Joey takes a loss to SummerSlam bridesmaid Ric Flair this week, presumably because Flair knew him from WCW. Maggs was always pretty good, but retired in ’98 due to a shoulder injury and enrolled in flight school to become a cargo pilot. He died of a heart attack at only 39 years old. Hopefully the rest of the jobbers on this episode won’t be as sad.
Oh come on.
Taking on Bret Hart this week (who is supposed to have been cursed by Papa Shango somehow, but he’s just straight-up no-selling it, because Bret Hart) is Louie Spicolli, who looks like he’s fresh from stealing Pee-wee Herman’s bike. You may know Louie from his run as “Rad Radford” in 94-95, his stopover in ECW in 96-97, or his role as Scott Hall’s nWo pledge on Monday Nitro in 97-98.
From the Best and Worst of Nitro from Februray 9, 1998, explaining why the planned Larry Zbyszko vs. Spicolli match at SuperBrawl VIII on the 22nd that month never happened.
As you may already know if you’re familiar with his career, this is Spicolli’s last televised wrestling match and final Nitro appearance. Spicolli died only six days later, the night before the next Nitro, throwing up in his sleep and choking on it due to an overdose of Soma, wine, and a mix of anxiety medications, pain pills and male hormone testosterone. The guy was only 27 years old, and it’s so fucking sad. Also sad: His last actual appearance in WCW is on the following Thunder, which is him making a joke about the Oklahoma City bombing.
Sorry, everybody.
Challenging Tatanka and all his murderous snitch ghost spirits is wrestling veteran Pat Rose, not to be confused with WWE Hall of Famer Pete Rose. The difference in Pat and Pete is that Pat had a 15-year career putting over the greatest stars of all time (here he is in 1981 in a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, wrestling Dusty Rhodes) while Pete never had a match. What’s the wrestling Hall of Fame for, again?
Anyway, Pat Rose always had that great jobber look like he’d just wandered out of a butcher shop and into a wrestling arena, and now he’s a competitive bass fisher who looks the Bass Pro Shops store brand version of Keiji Mutoh. Justice for Pat Rose!
Bootleg Dutch Mantell here is none other than Jeff Daniels, the jobber with a fantastic dirty southern mullet who accidentally got double credit for the match Perry Saturn wrestled last week. Here’s a look at him from the front, in case you need to make sure he isn’t your uncle.
Like everyone who has ever looked like this, he takes an embarrassing loss to Kamala the Ugandan Giant and then heads to Smokey Mountain Wrestling for a few years of his true calling: losing tag team matches to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express and the Armstrong brothers. This guy probably looked like Hulk Hogan to 1993 Jim Cornette. He retired soon after to return to his day job of bagging groceries. I don’t know if that’s true, I just want to be able to say Jeff Daniels retired Because Of Winn-Dixie.
Finally we have Justin Taylor, a wrestler who looks like a Precious Moments figurine of Tommy Rich and apparently only wrestled two matches ever, both at this set of tapings.
He’s so uneventful that his match with Rick Martel on this episode doesn’t even get a marker from WWE Network, so you have to find it by accident. I’m going to assume he’s Queer as Folk character Justin Taylor when he isn’t making comics.
Giant Gonzalez Of The Week
This is technically the second go-home episode for SummerSlam ’92 in a row, as last week’s show threw it to the “SummerSlam Spectacular” special, so they’re really dragging things out and saying nothing. The most important things you need to know from the Spectacular are that Macho Man Randy Savage and The Ultimate Warrior in fact cannot co-exist, and that Ultimate Warrior invented the weird nude body suit look they gave El Gigante when he became the Giant Gonzalez. Seriously, that is an on-purpose naked Ultimate Warrior look, airbrushed muscles and all, with what looks like a fannypack covering his dick.
“What’s on the back,” you ask? What, you didn’t ask that? Sorry, if I had to see it, so do you.
You know, there’s probably a reason why Hulk Hogan wrestled in bright yellow panties instead of burnt sienna underpants that made him look like a big naked Ken doll. At least we know what inspired Rey Mysterio’s butt-nekkid thong look from a few months back. How badly does Vince McMahon just want all his wrestlers to be naked, honestly?
Next Week Of The Week
It’s finally time for SummerSlam ’92, the SummerSlam YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D SEE, featuring:
- Bret Hart carrying the British Bulldog to one of the greatest WWF matches ever, because whether you were already great in the ring (Owen Hart, Steve Austin, 1-2-3 Kid), passable with the right partner (Bulldog), or straight-up terrible (Tom Magee), Bret Hart could make you look like the best wrestler in the world
- a WWF Championship match ending in count-out because they were gonna get overshadowed by the Intercontinental Championship, and one of the competitors is a weird enormous baby who thinks wrestling is real
- Road Warrior Hawk quitting the company for five years because they made a ventriloquist dummy his manager
- Five additional blockbuster matches you’ll fast-forward through
See you then!
