they dont just set the bar, they are the bar
Previously on the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro: Sting got his coolest ring entrance ever, but forgot his scorpion gear and had to wrestle in dance recital tights. Also, Ultimo Dragon attempted to shove an entire Billy Kidman up his own ass.
Click here to watch this week’s episode on WWE Network. You can catch up with all the previous episodes of WCW Monday Nitro on the Best and Worst of Nitro tag page and all the episodes of Thunder on the Best and Worst of Thunder. Follow along with the competition here.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro for February 9, 1998.
Best: This Is The Episode Where Mongo Karate Fights Glacier
(It goes about how you’d expect.)
Yes folks, we’re starting off this week’s column with the Battle of the Best and Worst of Nitro Icons, Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael vs. the homie Glacier. Mongo’s in the middle of a feud with the British Bulldog (because he wants to “get knee deep” in some of the new boys) and WCW’s completely abandoned any hope of making Blood Runs Cold work, so it’s a lot of Glacier doing unnecessary karate poses for … heat? Until Mongo punches him in the back of the head. It’s a weird call.
Even weirder is the entire post-match bit, which sees Mortis and James Vandenberg of all people showing up to attack Mongo for pinning Glacier. This is kinda what I mean, where WCW knows we mentally associate Glacier and Mortis, so it doesn’t matter that they aren’t actually friends and are supposed to be supernatural Thai pit fighters with a centuries-old grudge or whatever. It feels a lot more like “Mongo vs. the concept of Blood Runs Cold” than “Mongo vs. Glacier.” It’s fine, he beats them both up, too. BEARS RUN COLD MY FRIEND.
Still, I can’t have my heart and brain and not at least give a superficial “Best” to any match that makes Mongo goddamn McMongo pull a Daniel LaRusso crane kick.
Best: Appropriate Nitro Sponsors
This three-hour look into a chilling alternate universe where nothing makes sense and a group of evil guys in black and white attack everyone is brought to you by
Anyway, up next is Lex Luger vs. Kiefer Sutherland.
Worst: As The Halliburton Turns
Mongo vs. Glacier also provides a backdrop for the episode’s major B-story, which sees Larry Zbyszko AWOL at the announce desk until nWo flunkie Louie Spicolli shows up in his place, carrying his bags. One of those bags, which they make a point of talking about, is Larry’s trademark HALLIBURTON BRIEFCASE. I’m not kidding. YOU THOUGHT IT WAS DONE, BUT THE HALLIBURTON TURNS FOREVER. I’m legitimately shocked that Jeff Jarrett and Debra McMichael didn’t breathlessly bumrush the announce booth and try to hit him with guitars.
But yeah, the story is that Louie needs to know where his “friend” Larry Zbyszko is, because he’s got all his bags and needs to hand them over. He sticks around to do weird commentary on the first few matches, too, only leaving when it’s time for him to wrestle Thunder Original Gentleman Chris Adams. Louie, now in possession of the metal they used to build the frame of the NXT Oculus, smashes a man who chooses to call himself “gentleman” in the face with it and gets disqualified.
This finally brings out Larry, who rushes the ring and loudly complains about Spicolli denting his luggage. Now where’s he gonna keep his important contracts? He reveals that Louie “set him up” by sending him to the wrong arena, which makes me wonder how many giant arenas they have in El Paso, TX. This along with the broken golf clubs stuff from previous weeks sets up Zbyszko vs. Spicolli at SuperBrawl VIII on the 22nd of February.
Which … doesn’t happen.
As you may already know if you’re familiar with his career, this is Spicolli’s last televised wrestling match and final Nitro appearance. Spicolli died only six days later, the night before the next Nitro, throwing up in his sleep and choking on it due to an overdose of Soma, wine, and a mix of anxiety medications, pain pills and male hormone testosterone. The guy was only 27 years old, and it’s so fucking sad. Also sad: His last actual appearance in WCW is on the following Thunder, which is him making a joke about the Oklahoma City bombing.
You can listen to Rob Van Dam talk about Spicolil’s passing a little here if you’re interested.
Worst: Oh God, It’s Goldberg Vs. Lord Steven Regal
Chances are if you know what Nitro is, you know the story of “the worst Goldberg match ever,” William Scott Goldberg vs. Lord Steven Regal. It shouldn’t be a bad match. Goldberg’s exceptional at the very specific thing he does, and Regal’s a proven in-ring general and workhorse who can get what you need done done. But Goldberg’s still green as goose-shit here, and he’s coming off a really embarrassing set of WCW Saturday Night tapings — see last week’s Nitro for that explanation — and Regal’s going through a lot of personal (and substance abuse) problems, so the timing couldn’t possibly be worse.
What you end up with is six minutes of the most graceless pro wrestling most of us can remember. It’s probably not as “bad” as it is in your head, but holy shit is it awkward. According to Regal, he was told to have a competitive, six-minute match with Goldberg. Goldberg thought it was supposed to be a normal Goldberg match. Regal says Goldberg froze up in the opening seconds and forgot everything he was supposed to do. Goldberg says Regal “took liberties” with him in the ring.
Here’s a fun game. Click “play” and try to watch all seven minutes of this without looking away or fast forwarding.
The story seems to change a little every time one of them tells it, but here’s all you need to know: Goldberg was getting popular because he could just power through guys, and Regal is a little too Actually Tough to take the tackle and jackle without it being earned. It certainly doesn’t look like Regal takes any liberties with him, aside from maybe a pissed-off looking kick to the back later in the match, but he outwrestles the hell out of him, nerfs his entire moveset with little counter-grapples and uppercuts, and outside of WCW Saturday Night it’s probably the worst Goldberg ever looks, ever. Regal’s out of the company soon after this, heading to WWF to be the “Real Man’s Man” about five years later in the decade than everyone assumes he did.
Worst: That’s Racest!
♫ hello darkness my old friend ♫
The New World Order (of NASCAR) may have Kyle Petty, but WCW Motorsports has 1996 Winston West Series Champion Lance Hooper, seen here realizing he’s driving the fake fighting car and will probably never winning another award. Mike Tenay announces the driver change with help from GM Motorsports representative Brad Dillon, who manages to be less fashionable than The Professor by wearing a tie with Q-tips on it (?). No really, those are Q-tips.
Hoop only lasts a year in the WCW car, as Jerry Nadeau replaces him in 1999. Everything after that features the “bird poop” WCW logo, which we don’t like to talk about. I mean, yet.
Best: Chris Jericho (Surprise!)
Here’s something I haven’t typed in every column since Starrcade: Chris Jericho is the best part of Nitro.
This week he pulls double duty, first knocking out probably the best match on the show — LOL, probably — by teaming with Eddie goddamn Guerrero against Dean goddamn Malenko and Chavo normal amount of damn Guerrero Jr. It tells a great story, with Eddie and Jericho as the overconfident heels who aren’t quite as good as they claim, Malenko as the stoic bad-ass who is like fifteen times better than he EVER says, and Chavo as the scrappy rookie who has put together a few wins so far during the year and thinks he’s on Eddie’s level. That causes lots of heat with Eddie, to the point that it distracts him a few times and lets the babyfaces take over.
Nothing really “starts” in this match, but it’s an early signifies of two of WCW’s all-time greatest cruiserweight division feuds: Malenko vs. Jericho (aka the GOAT in a walk), and the Eddie vs. Chavo story that creates the “Eddie is my favorite wrestler” t-shirt and introduces the beta version of Los Guerreros to America.
Jericho returns after a fun Juventud Guerrera vs. El Dandy match to reiterate that he’s the all-time greatest Cruiserweight Champion, announce that he’s a “multi ling-you-ist,” and to translate Juventud’s Spanish into incredibly inaccurate English. He also says Juventud is a “one hit wonder” who is no different from Dexy’s Midnight Runners — one of Jericho’s earliest references to ’80s bands, which becomes a habit, especially when he’s shitting on Lenny Lane — and wears quite possibly the greatest jacket in the history of our sport. It’s got an airbrushed lion roaring on the back. It’s at least in the same league as Stevie Ray’s leather BOXING number and Black Cat’s cat face torso.
Jericho promises to put up the title against Guerrera if Guerrera has something to offer him in return. That turns out to be el mascara, his mask, starting the epic “Quasi Juice” period of Jericho’s title reign. Good times ahead. Pretty soon we get to “Prince Naki-maki” and the main event, “Stinko Malenko.” Part of me wishes Jericho had never gone on to be one of the biggest stars in the world for 20 years, but also duh, of course he did.
Best: Saturn Rising
Part of the reason the Flocked worked (and probably the only reason it worked at all) is because it was anchored by two incredibly strong in-ring performers — Raven and Perry Saturn, who was once talked about in the same breath as Guerrero, Benoit and Malenko — and flanked them with mostly good hands, like Kidman and Sick Boy. Lodi was there for comedy, Ron Reese ended up there because it was 1998 and “tall goth guy” made more sense than butt-fucking Himalayan ice mummy, and I guess Hammer was there because he had a nipple ring. But they were mostly good-to-great in the ring.
That’s shown for sure in Saturn’s match with Ultimo Dragon, which showcases Saturn’s in-ring skill in comparison to a guy who’s only really KNOWN for his in-ring skill, and balances Saturn’s brawling style with a deep knowledge of counters. The big one comes when he escapes the Dragon Sleeper by snapmaring Dragon over into a small package and pinning him, which openly pops the announce team. You know you’ve done well when you’ve dragged the WCW announce team away from their three hours of nWo speculation with a submission reversal.
Saturn returns later in the show, too, and while it’s not as fun as Chris Jericho saying Juventud’s gonna put up his rusted-out ’68 Camaro against the Cruiserweight Championship, it’s to set up a Saturn vs. Booker T TV title feud. You see, the match is supposed to be RAVEN vs. Booker T, but Raven doesn’t feel like wrestling so he immediately uses his Murder of Crows vigor to summon the Flock.
Honestly he probably did that because somebody told him Macho Man and Hulk Hogan wanted five extra minutes two seconds before he hopped the rail. (A lot) more on that in a minute.
Worst, Then Best: Disco Inferno Pinning Yuji Nagata
It’s the intersection of two of my favorite talking points, “Disco Inferno is surprisingly good at pro wrestling for a minute in 1998,” and “can you believe all these jobbers pinned Yuji Nagata?” At least Disco doesn’t straight-up beat him; Disco tries to take some of Sonny Onoo’s money early on, so when Nagata’s about to apply the Nagata Lock and win the match, Sonny tells him to inflict more punishment. That causes YUJI NAGATA to try a Jerry Lawler fist drop off the second rope which he misses badly, allowing Disco to hit the Hot Stuff Stunner and win.
After the match, for no reason but for ALL THE REASONS, La Parka shows up and attacks them both with a chair. Because La Parka indiscriminately attacking people so he can dance on their corpses is probably the best thing pro wrestling’s ever given us. Please enjoy this GIF of La Parka disco dancing:
*chef kiss*
Worst: Norman Frowny
I saved Norman Smiley for 2000 words into the report hoping I’d come up with something constructive to say about it other than “Normal Smiley is jacked and looks like he could kick Konnan’s ass in a fight 100 out of 100 times, why is he losing to slow rolling clotheslines and shit two matches in? Brother has MAGIC on his bright yellow ass, he should be Goldberg. I mean, honestly, he is a sexually dominant but cowardly British black man with King Cuerno’s body and a magical ass, how could he lose to a guy who looks like he’s wrestling in sweat-soaked pajamas?” Wrestling is weird. But I did just compliment a dancing Mexican skeleton for attacking a disco dancer with furniture, so what do I know?
Worst: Hulk Hogan’s Obsession With Organized Chickens
The “A-story” of this week’s show is Hollywood Hogan’s need to explain the “pecking order” of the nWo, and how Macho Man Randy Savage is actually WAY WORSE than him and nobody should like him. Have you ever heard Hogan use this talking point before? That everyone likes him and everyone hates the Macho Man? It’s not like he’s still doing that in 2018 or anything.
Hogan challenges Savage to a match on Nitro, furthering the eventual nWo Hollywood and nWo Wolfpac split on the horizon. Lex Luger shows up in the middle of the show in his own Lex Luger kinda way and scream-points at the camera about how bullshit it is that Hogan and Savage could challenge EACH OTHER instead of him, because they’re both nWo guys and even someone with the deductive reasoning of Lex Luger can figure out what they’re probably doing. He promises to show up and challenge the winner, because he is still a Top Guy even if his only story for months has been “fight whoever’s left.”
So they do the WrestleMania V main event as the semi-main on a random Nitro, and it goes on longer than you’d expect. Can you guess the ending? If you don’t have a lobotomy you probably said “Savage hits the flying elbow and has Hogan pinned, but the nWo shows up, and then Savage gets the shit beaten out of him for several minutes by everyone, and then Lex Luger shows up and challenges Savage who was technically the winner and Savage beats HIM up somehow and then the nWo shows back up for some reason even though they hate Savage, which draws out Sting, and Hollywood Hogan outsmarts everyone by dropping a net on them from the ceiling and kicking all their asses.”
Okay, you probably said the first eighth of that. But yeah, no, Hogan catches Sting in a net, an actual net, and punches him out until they go to commercial break.
Because Sting is the big hero of the company who lost two straight matches to Hogan clean and is now heading into a third when fewer people are watching. BECAUSE HULK HOGAN ARROW ARROW ARROW. These few months of WCW make that Triple H match feel like Sting was Daniel Bryan at WrestleMania 30.
Best (But Worst): The Steiner Brothers Finally Get That Tag Team Championship Match With The Outsiders They’ve Been Trying To Get For Two Years
This week’s main event is, no joke, The Outsiders (Scott Hall and Kevin Nash, not Syxx or Buff Bagwell or Vincent in a Kevin Nash wig) defending the actual WCW Tag Team Championship against the Steiner Brothers. The poor Steiners have been trying to get this match since the nWo began and the Outsiders just arbitrarily took back the titles a day after losing them, and it happens in the eleventh hour of Scotty’s heel turn. Whoops!
The story over the past few weeks has been that Scott realized he has lots and lots of muscles and can probably win matches on his own, so he does that. Rick wants to tag in but Scott thinks he can handle it solo, and they’ve been in each other’s faces about it. That bubbles up again here, with Scott getting his ass beaten for a while and still refusing to tag out, thinking he can recover. He ends up getting knocked INTO Rick from behind by Nash, causing an unintentional and unseen tag. Rick lobs himself into the ring with a Steiner Bulldog (that bulldogs Hall’s face into Scott’s back instead of the ring) and gets the pin, finally, finally winning the championships. And of course Scott’s not happy, but he ultimately goes along with it, and the brothers celebrate.
The Outsiders are granted a rematch at SuperBrawl less than two weeks later, and that’s when the muscles finally reach and crush Scotty’s brain.
Next Week:
A new Television Champion is crowned, Bret Hart remembers he’s employed by WCW, a Boston Red Sox legend guest stars, and we finally get to the Nitro debut of Barry Horowitz. Bet you’ve been waiting for THAT shot in the Monday Night Wars.
