Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: My beautiful, twisted Dark Destiny debuted, and Integrated Conditioning Program wished us both a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays. Additionally, the Big Boss Man took a trip down to Cobb County, Georgia.
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Here’s what you missed 28 years ago on WWF Superstars for December 26, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
Marching happily into their own graves against the Headshrinkers this week are the two worst guys from your dad’s bowling team, Chris Allen and Bill Vaper. That’s Chris on the left, Supermanning that ho, and Bill is the CVS toy section Kylo Ren action figure on the right.
As you might’ve expected, Bill Vaper is actually Bill Baker, and he’s billed as such in his Wrestling Challenge loss to Kamala the day before. That’s the eternal WWF Superstars question: did they slightly change his name to try and trick us into thinking they’re two separate jobbers, or is the guy running the graphics just illiterate, forgetful, and deaf? He deserves it, though, especially after giving Chloe so much anxiety. She should remember that if she wants a replacement coil but can’t pay for it now, she could Bill Vaper.
I can’t find much online about Chris Allen, but I remember him getting punched in the heart by Mean Mark on WCW Saturday Night, and I know he’s one of Yokozuna’s favorite bean bag chairs full of guts and cholesterol. Also he might have won season eight of American Idol.
Getting a surprise win over the future ECW star “Dante from Clerks with a bad haircut” is none other than Virgil, an emancipated slave turned candy striper whose name is an understated and subtle burn on Virgil “Dusty Rhodes” Runnels. Maybe I’m reading the character wrong and he’s supposed to be in loving tribute to the Roman poet. The Aeneid? More like Aeneid some more training, am I right folks?
On commentary, Vince McMahon puts over the Royal Rumble by pronouncing “melee” as me-LAY and declaring that Virgil might be the man to win it all. I can barely tell where the jobber ends and Virgil begins, so yes, I’m sure he’s about to toss out Yokozuna and Macho Man Randy Savage to earn a spot in the main event of WrestleMania. Virgil wins with a Russian leg sweep that McMahon calls a “neckbreaker,” because it’s so bad you’re not sure which one it is.
Stepping into the ring this week against the Native American Sensation™ Tatanka® is unknown’s own Bret Tyler, who may or may not just be a white guy in a pretty good Aja King Halloween costume.
The major story of this match is the appearance of Doink the Clown, who’d shown up earlier during a Bob Backlund vs. Barry Horowitz match to keep the children in the crowd from falling asleep. He returns here with a mop, and mops up the aisle until Tatanka’s down [checks notes] sweeping the floor with Tyler. They do some light physical comedy, culminating in Doink doing a full-on Curly Howard bit where he puts the mop on his shoulder and spins around so it hits Tatanka in the face. Tatanka sells it like he just got his eyeball gouged out by the Road Warriors.
The mop swinging around like that looks a lot like Tyler Breeze’s old Beauty Shot. Somebody flip out and kill the clown already.
Blind Children Of The Week
Razor Ramon has a WWF Championship match against Bret Hart at the Royal Rumble, so while Big Scott’s busy throwing poor Gus Kantarakis at the Earth, children in the crowd are wearing their Bret Hart sunglasses and taunting him. Well, “wearing” is a stretch. This poor little girl just gets them bandana’d around her head. There’s something truly Sisyphean about putting your kid on your shoulders so they can see, and then putting them in giant wraparound sunglasses, indoors.
The good news: Who has two thumbs and learned how to wear novelty sunglasses before the tapings were over? THIS kid.
Thirsty Bam Bam Bigelow Fan Of The Week
The first man with a craving for Fire Sauce.
Slamming Jam Of The Week
This week’s big selling point is the new hit single SLAM JAM, which Mean Gene Okerlund assures us debuted at #4 in the U.K. This should not be confused with ‘WrestleMania’ by the WWF Superstars (which came out around the same time and asks us if we’re “ready for the Survivor Series” despite it being “time for WrestleMania”) or the BAND “Slam Jam,” who perform the iconic ‘We’re All Together Now.’
The highlight, at least when The Undertaker isn’t trying to work in “The Undertaker says rest in peace” multiple times, is the rap break from Einstein. The rapper, not the theoretical physicist. Please read and memorize these lyrics, deciphered to the best of my abilities, in case you ever need to impress at karaoke.
we’re the cream
we roll like a team
but every great team needs a theme
here it is for the good the bad and the ugly
now here I am, the man so get with the jam
and pick up the program
(in the air) we’re flying, death defying, pumping iron, roar like a lions
pound for pound, round for round
mama said mama said take you out
bump it bump it bump it get with the jam
The song would later be rebranded and re-released later in the year as the SUMMER Slam Jam, but don’t believe their lies.
Next Week Of The Week
We finally leave 1992 behind for more Royal Rumble ’93 promotion, a Mr. Perfect vs. The Berserker match that we can only assume will be a catch-as-catch-can classic, and the WWF Superstars debut of Scott Steiner. Can’t wait.