Jesus Christ, Superstars: It’s Beginning To Lick A Lot Like Christmas (December 19, 1992)

Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler made his WWE debut on commentary, Doink the Clown did an extended Harlem Globetrotters bit, and we said goodbye to Nailz, the ex-convict who just didn’t know how to integrate back into society.

If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.

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Here’s what you missed 28 years ago on WWF Superstars for December 19, 1992.

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Jobbers Of The Week

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Meet my beautiful, twisted Dark Destiny. He’s a terrifying masked murderer tasked with getting his head crushed by Smush. Sorry, getting his head smushed by Crush.

In case you’re wondering, that’s Duane Gill under the mask. How do I know? Well, I was first tipped off when I noticed he’s wearing Gill’s gear with a long-sleeve black t-shirt under it, and when he forgot he was playing a mysterious masked man and did Duane Gill’s introduction pose.

I love jobber names like this, by the way. DARK DESTINY. THUNDERFOOT. THE EXECUTIONERS. The next time a 140 pound guy with a name like “TYLER STEVENS” shows up on Raw in bicycle shorts and kickpads to lose to Aleister Black or whoever, imagine how much cooler they’d be if they had a mask and cape, and were billed as the STAR BEAST.

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No, this isn’t Barry Windham if he hadn’t made any money, it’s Richard Myers, seen here roughly 90 seconds before Yokozuna uses him as a bean bag chair. Yoko takes Dick to Suplex City while Vince McMahon incredulously shouts about the Royal Rumble and how impossible it would be to eliminate a 500-pounder who carries roughly 450 pounds of it in the ass. My words, not his, but he’s got a point.

RIP Rich Myers. Cause of death: too much booty in the pants. Heaven needed someone to bother them at a record store to explain why ‘Tales From Topographic Oceans’ is actually the best YES album.

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Who has two things and remembered to look at the hard cam this time? THIS guy! He loses to Kamala the Ugandan Giant after getting hit with a Tamina Snuka superkick.

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Lavern McGill (now without the “e” at the end of his name) is back, now teaming with Chris “Shirley” Hawn in a team I’m calling “MC Chris.” This is fitting, because they get their Christmas fucked up by Money Inc. The narrative of the match is that Jimmy Hart is bad at keeping his teams together and hasn’t signed up IRS for the Rumble yet, peppered with footage of one of Hart’s former teams, the Nasty Boys, talking about how they’re going to John the Baptist him for the holidays. Decollation is the reason for the season! Gilldy Hawn manage to escape with their heads intact, but just barely.

Infinity Mirror Of The Week

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Here’s Damien Demento after his match with Reverse Richard Myers, posing in front of the video screen to show you that he’s [hits self in head with mallet, begins making cuckoo noises]. Demento is now hearing voices in his head. They talk to him, they understand. They talk to him. THEY TALK TO HIM. They tell him things that he will do (wear a Venus flytrap as shoulder pads), they tell him things he’ll do to you. A knee drop. A normal knee drop, as a finisher.

The only other characters I can think of who “hear voices” are Randy Orton, who’s all slow stomps and even slower chinlocks, and The Ultimate Warrior, who made Steve McMichael look like Dean Malenko. Maybe WWE’s version of God hates wrestling? It would explain why he no-showed that tag match at Backlash 2006.

Have A Nice Trip Of The Week

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After the Big Boss Man defeats Dark Destiny’s friend “Light Competition,” Doink The Clown eschews his normal routine of low quality magic tricks and Curly Neal homage to hilariously interrupt a cop’s post-brutality jog.

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♪ if you ever take a trip down to Cobb County Georgia ♪

Welcome to the resistance, Doink.

Holiday Wishes Of The Week

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Here’s former beloved American institution Integrated Conditioning Program wishes everyone a “happy, healthy, holiday season” instead of wishing them a Merry Christmas, because of Vince McMahon’s liberal agenda. If you can’t trust the bonemeal and drywall dust the World Bodybuilding Federation tried to sell to children between Tatanka matches, what CAN you trust??

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In all seriousness, this is the final episode of Superstars before Christmas, which means the graphics all have wreaths around them, and two incestuous, sheep-fucking cousins are promising to break into your home in the middle of the night and lick your children.

Please enjoy the Bushwhackers singing Christmas carols with Shane McMahon’s real father:

You better not shout
you better not pick your bloody nose
oh and you better make sure you eat all your bloody sardines
and if you’re very very good
oh you’ll get a bloody

I want to go back and try to submit that as a poem to my college literary journal.

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Finally, the New Generation gets together in GLOW formation to wish me and mine a merry Christmas. Damn, Tatanka, you couldn’t have put on some clothes for this?

Next Week Of The Week

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What did you get for Christmas? I got WWF SLAM, featuring the hit song ‘WWF SLAM,’ from Arista Records®. We’ll listen to it next week!