Jesus Christ, Superstars: Fire Down Below (May 30, 1992)

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the night stick has become the night stuck

Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: The Ultimate Warrior talked to the ultimate evil on the phone and started dripping “evil goo” from his forehead. The Dublin Destroyer made an appearance, Undertaker beat a guy by looking at him too hard, and a kid wore a Bart Simpson shirt I’m still trying to find on eBay.

If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.

Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for May 30, 1992.

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Jobbers Of The Week

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Teaming with Japanese Caucasian assassin Kato in a losing effort to the Legion of Doom is none other than Rich Mitchell, also known as “Rick” Mitchell, also known as “what Dash Wilder would’ve looked like if he’d grown up rooting for the Chicago Bears in the early ’90s.”

There’s not much about him online, which goes great with him being the guy who gets tagged in just to take a Doomsday Device. He’s a great choice to take that move, though, because he’s got enough back hair to stitch a quilt and bumps onto his torso’s naturally produced area rug.

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Remember Little Guido from ECW, aka former WWE Superstar Nunzio? Fun fact: the Full Blooded Italians called him “Little” Guido to differentiate him from “Big” Guido, and one rode the other to the ring. I don’t know why they called him Big Guido instead of “Bad Luck Farfalle.”

Anyway, here’s Big Guido back when he looked like a teenage Giant Silva and went by the name Mike Fury, which makes him sound like a WWE 2K19 Payback skill that improves your promos. They lose to the Natural Disasters, and Fury (1) wears a powder blue singlet that doesn’t fit him and makes him look like a confused farm hand, and (2) looks like he’s about to fall asleep while he’s jobbing out to men so fat they’ve been named after ecological terror.

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If you want to put money on the worst looking jobber in the world, you can always bet on Dave Roulette, who got this match with the Big Boss Man by winning a Rich Mitchell lookalike contest. It’s like a construction worker tried to look like Luther Vandross. His only notable accomplishment in wrestling is being in the match where Nailz debuts, if that tells you anything.

Felony Of The Week

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We might as well go ahead and talk about felonious mung Nailz, who finally makes his debut after that Boss Man/Dave Roulette barn burner. Nailz hops out of the crowd, attacks Boss Man from behind, handcuffs him to the ropes, and “breaks his leg” with the Boss Man’s own night stick.

A few things here:

  • Nailz is hilariously non-threatening, as he shows up in a bright orange prison jumpsuit despite previous promos announcing he could hunt the Boss Man because he’d gotten out of prison, and he’s clearly wearing lifts, so he stumbles around like Herman Munster the entire time. He kinda looks like Festus had a Stunning Steve Austin period.
  • This is at the end of a set of tapings, so despite the attack on Boss Man being lengthy and heinous, nobody really seems to react or care.
  • These same people watched the Ultimate Warrior get voodoo cursed by an evil priest with a skull face and bleed oil from his head, plus they’d just seen a man get set on fire (more on that in a sec), so a robber beating up a cop isn’t going to seem exceptional.
  • The announce team tries to play this off as some brutally unfair thing, when, let’s face it, the Boss Man has spent the past five years handcuffing people to the ropes and beating them with a night stick after every match. Somebody does it to him and suddenly that’s a bridge too far? Vince McMahon, always out here advocating for the police state.

I guess if all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like Nailz.

Jobber Toss For Distance Of The Week

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We’ve already given future Headbanger Glen Ruth a Jobber of the Week mention, so here’s a shot of him being thrown out of the Moon Door by The Berserker.

The best part of the match is Vince McMahon arguing with Mr. Perfect over the attack on the Boss Man and wanting to see The Berserker literally murder The Undertaker with a sword, bellowing, “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO SCIENTIFIC WRESTLING? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SCIENCE OF WRESTLING IN GENERAL THAT WE ALL ENJOY?”

First of all, the phrase, “the science of wrestling in general.” Second of all, I don’t know, Vince, why don’t you ask the guy in charge of running an hour-long wrestling program that just featured post-apocalyptic street punks, a voodoo priest setting someone on fire, an army drill sergeant who once betrayed America to side with Iraq, a French-Canadian male model that’s racist toward Native Americans, a convict beating up a prison guard, a time-displaced Viking with a sword, and two fat guys who win matches by sitting on people? He’d probably know what happened to “scientific wrestling we all enjoy.”

WBF Bodystars Of The Week

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The World Bodybuilding Federation Championships are coming up on pay-per-view, so fitness nut-buster Vince McMahon is all in on using his children’s wrestling show to sell workout supplements. This is the episode where he starts shilling for the upcoming Personal Fitness and Nutrition Expo and crediting ICOPRO for everything. If you use ICOPRO, you too could have the body of Rick Martel or Jim Powers, where if they move their arms or legs it looks like a bunch of snakes are gonna burst through their skin and fly everywhere!

For more on the wonders of ICOPRO, here’s Dr. Leo Spaceman:

The meat and potatoes (cough) of this shilling happens during a Sgt. Slaughter match, which makes it extra funny to me. Want to be one of the most feared and legendary Superstars in World Wrestling Federation history? Want to have the incredible physique of Sgt. Slaughter, which can withstand an attack from a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeman’s 8,000 volt shock stick? Choose ICOPRO!

Fan Fit Of The Week

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I’ve looked at this picture for 10 minutes and still can’t decide if it’s Kelso or Fez. It’s both, somehow? This is the new Laurel and Yanny.

Lactose Intolerance Of The Week

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I meant to mention it at the top of the program, but since this is happening at the tail end of May, WWF Superstars is now just in time for DAIRY MONTH.. Whew, got that one in just under the wire, guys.

Mr. Perfect:

“Hey, don’t skim over last week, McMahon. Let’s talk about how that evil goo dripped uncontrollably down the face of the Warrior. Let’s laugh about how he begged and pleaded for help from all the Little Warriors. Little Warriors, give me a break, haven’t we milked that one enough? All the dorks at home can speculate until the cows come home, but the simple truth is, once Papa Shango puts the curse on you, all the calcium in the world can’t keep your bones from turning to dust! He’s no milk man, HE’S AN ICE MAN, and if you’re the Ultimate Warrior, things are looking real sour about now. Now that’s udder destruction, ha ha ha!”

He’s not lying, Papa Shango really put The Warrior out to pasteurization. The only thing keeping Superstars from being Glow is the pink ropes.

Fire Walker Of The Week

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Finally we have Papa Shango himself taking on Brian Brieger, the jobber who looks like how they’d draw King Kong Bundy on Bob’s Burgers. He’s supposed to, you know, wrestle Papa Shango, but Shango’s so into cursing folks that he skips the fighting and goes straight to setting the man on fire.

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He also poured chocolate syrup all over his face for some reason, I dunno.

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Remember, kids: Don’t become a servant of the spirits and get so good at syncretic religion that you’re able to use a staff with a skull on it to set your friends’ shoes on fire, and causing strangers to leak like an Oldsmobile oil pan can be very dangerous.

Next Week Of The Week

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We’ve got a special interview with Papa Shango where no bad things will happen, we bet! See you then!