Jesus Christ, Superstars: Buried Jewels (October 17, 1992)

Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: We met most of Canada’s greatest (worst) jobbers, looked at Kamala’s totally reasonable fear of death, and Survivor Series Announce Main Event.

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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for October 17, 1992.

WWF Championship Title Change Of The Week

Back on September 12, Superstars opened with the shocking news that Ric Flair, with help from Mr. Perfect and Razor Ramon, had won the WWF Championship from Macho Man Randy Savage in Hershey, PA. This week’s episode begins with even more shocking news: Bret Hart, of all people, has defeated Ric Flair for the WWF Championship at an untelevised house show in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. Mean Gene Okerlund and the Ultimate Maniacs approve. Ric Flair describes the loss as a fluke that’s giving him anxiety, and Mr. Perfect assures us that Flair was extremely ill going into the match and was urged not to defend the title in such a condition, but valiantly did so anyway.

Bret opens the show with a promo thanking everyone, and the whole show is built around the talking point that any superstar can beat any OTHER superstar on any given night. This is reinforced by a show full of superstars mauling dudes you’ve never heard of who couldn’t hit two consecutive moves on a star if you gave them a thousand tries. Here’s those guys!

Jobbers Of The Week

Leading the pack in gear that makes him look like the young Republican love child of Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage is Steve Gillespie, Michael C. Hall lookalike contest winner.

Looking like a serial killer is strangely appropriate, too, as when he’s not jobbing on WWF Superstars, Steve is playing the role of “Dr. Hannibal,” one half of FMW’s serial killer tag team. Here’s Dr. Hannibal and his partner, Dr. Luther, wrestling Sabu and The Sheik in footage that looks like it was fan-cammed by Abraham Zapruder. On Superstars he’s only here to lose to Shawn Michaels, who’s thrilled to have gone from kinda feuding for the Intercontinental Championship to kinda feuding for the WWF Championship.

British Bulldog — the man who literally just pinned Bret Hart clean as a sheet in Wembley Stadium and should really talk to someone about getting a title shot, whether he wants to or not — faces Jim Peterson. Peterson’s a tall, fit guy in amateur wrestling gear who probably would’ve had a career if he’d come up in the post-Kurt Angle Natural Born Thrillers days, instead of being on job duty for a collection of space men, wrestling clowns, and spooked savages. That’s him on the right, trying to keep his dick from falling out of the singlet.

Peterson also spent some time in FMW, so either he got Steve Gillespie this spot, or vice versa. Wrestlingdata.com also identifies him as “Iron Horse,” one half of a tag team called “The Family of Darkness” alongside “Easy Rider,” in something called in something called “Badger State Wrestling.” That all sounds INCREDIBLE.

Finally we have living steroid Jim Powers teaming up with Manitoba’s own Bobby St. Laurent. If you’re looking at that guy and thinking, “wow, he looks like a fatter Marty Jannetty,” you aren’t alone; in addition to wrestling as the much simpler “Bobby Jay,” St. Laurent competed in Central Canadian Pro Wrestling as “Bobby Jannetty.” Sadly nobody ever painted Jim Powers’ face, got him high on bath salts, and booked him as The Penultimate Warrior.

Jimmy and Bobby team up to face Money Inc., which is the WWF Superstars equivalent of getting into the ring with Brock Lesnar. I was never a huge fan of Mike Rotunda, but with the right jobber, dude could turn a running necktie into a Burning Hammer. Here’s St. Laurent taking it like he’s being hit by a car. Tighten up your Slingblades. Seth, Finn, I’m looking in your directions.

In a happier note than usual, Bobby St. Laurent is not only still wrestling — that’s him in the blonde wig and feather boa — but seems wildly happy hanging out in rural Canada, running softball and Spongee leagues. Looks like he was the Shawn Michaels of the Jannettys!

Jobber Burial Of The Week

Brian Jewel returns this week to job to Native American Superstar™ Tatanka®, and oh boy does the announce team hate him. Most of these guys are pretty bad, but Perfect and McMahon make a point to thoroughly drag him on commentary as much as possible. Example:

McMahon: “Brian Jewel, give me a break.”

Perfect: “How dumb can Brian Jewel be? I mean, he runs into Tatanka three times with a tackle. If you don’t get a guy knocked out on the first tackle, why come back for the second one? No psychology whatsoever.”

McMahon: “And not much knowledge, apparently, as Tatanka buries the elbow.”

The elbow’s not the only thing that got buried here.

Actual Burial Of The Week

OKAY STOP SCREAMING AT ME

This week’s Survivor Series ANNOUNCE MATCHES are a traditional Survivor Series elimination match nobody could possibly want to watch, teaming the Natural Disasters and the Bushwhackers against Money Inc. and the Beverly Brothers, and a “coffin match” between The Undertaker and Kamala, following up on last week’s funerary goofs. They haven’t figured out that “casket match” sounds better yet, so bear with them. It’s a revolutionary match concept invented by the World Wrestling Federation — please pay no attention to Dusty Rhodes and Ivan Koloff doing it in Houston Wrestling 12 years earlier — which I’ll let Mean Gene Okerlund describe as succinctly as possible:

“A coffin match has been announced. Yes, I said a coffin match. The Undertaker meets the Ugandan Giant Kamala. Now, here as some very unusual ground rules. Not only must you pin your opponent or get them to submit, but you also must insert your opponent in a coffin. Hence, the coffin match … Coffin match! Different, to say the least.”

This should not be confused with Matt Riddle vs. Rob Van Dam, which would be a coughin’ match.

Body Cam Footage Of The Week

To reiterate, the Big Boss Man is a former prison guard currently being hunted by a maniac who claims he was abused by the Boss Man in prison. Boss Man’s signature move is handcuffing people to the bottom rope and either beating them (when he’s a heel) or threatening to beat them (when he’s a face) with a nightstick. Nailz shows up to get revenge, handcuffs Boss Man to the ropes, and beats him with his own nightstick. This is immediately called one of the most unforgivable and heinous acts in World Wrestling Federation history. Boss Man needs weeks to recover, hopefully having learned an important lesson about abuse of power.

Now that Boss Man is back, he’s beating jobbers and … handcuffing them to the bottom rope, and threatening to beat them with a nightstick. Vince McMahon thinks it’s fabulous, and kids in the audience wear Big Boss Man hats, wield foam nightsticks with the Big Boss Man’s name on them, and hold up Big Boss Man stuffed animals. When Boss Man defeats Barry Horowitz here, he runs down the ramp so he can watch it again on the video screen. I know Nailz is a shoot weirdo who wrestles like Herman Munster and speaks in a spooky monster voice, but as an adult, I can see where he’s coming from. Just saying.

Next Week Of The Week

Hacksaw Jim Duggan wants you to vote in the 1992 Presidential election, tough guy! Also both The Undertaker and Papa Shango are in action, so get ready for lots of close-ups of little white kids looking startled. All this and more, next week!