when WWE heads to Montreal
Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: ‘Nature Boy’ Ric Flair won back the WWF Championship with the help of Mr. Perfect, Bobby Heenan, and new Macho Man Razor Ramon. Plus, Gary Jackson took the world’s greatest Razor’s Edge bump.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page.
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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for September 19, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
This turnip in a singlet is none other than Tony DeVito, future member of factions including ECW’s Da Baldies and early Ring of Honor’s Carnage Crew. He main events this episode of Superstars against Kamala, and is only slightly more difficult to defeat than the little white kids who got front row seats to a televised wrestling show in 1992 and had never seen a black person before.
While DeVito’s had a long and successful career, his finest moment may have been his one episode run as Macho Libre — yes, a combination of Jack Black’s character from Nacho Libre doing Macho Man Randy Savage catchphrases — on a 2006 episode of WWE’s ECW. He gets hit in the face with a stick, and you can’t say he didn’t deserve it.
Other than Tony, it’s not an interesting week for the jobbers.
Kerry Davis (seen doing mid-air yoga, above) gets the “be choked by Nailz for a couple of minutes” assignment, and country-western Superstar Ross Greenberg loses to Shawn Michaels. The only highlight there is Shawn giving a picture of himself a joshing fist on the chin on the way out, which is probably a solid illustration of what it looks like when you retweet yourself.
Rude Sign And Incredible Sell Of The Week
To make up for the lack of funny jobbers this week, please enjoy these GIFs I made of The Mountie — neither ugly, stubbly, nor bald, thank you very much, RESPECT OUR CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS — selling an atomic drop from Tatanka. There’s “selling,” and then there’s The Mountie taking an atomic drop. He takes two, and chooses to sell the first with a classic pogo, and if Tatanka had never grabbed him for the second he’d still be jumping up and down in place today.
The second sell is even better, with Tatanka apparently completely caving in Mountie’s asshole, and the poor Mountie having to hold his cheeks together to keep his guts from falling out. The impact is so severe that Mountie takes several steps toward the ropes and then shit-cans himself over the top, both figuratively and, I guess, literally.
Mountie ends up losing by disqualification when he tries to shock Tatanka to death with his shock stick, and fails. He might’ve lost, but being able to walk upright at all after complete rectal failure, much less enough to wield a weapon, is a win in my book.
Retroactive Curse Of The Week
Funniest moment of the week goes to Papa Shango, who interrupts a Bret Hart vs. Glen “Baby” Ruth match to take credit for Bret losing to Davey Boy Smith at SummerSlam. Yes, it wasn’t Davey Boy countering a sunset flip into a pin that cost Bret the match, it was the dread curse of Papa Shango’s voodoo. It takes four distinct forms: making you throw up, setting you on fire, causing motor oil to leak out of your body, and making you unable to counter fundamental pinning situations.
One thing I haven’t gotten to talk about yet is Papa Shango’s book of YBO, the source of his dark magicks and a great party trick that lights on fire when you open it up. Thankfully, a Tumblr re-tumble (or whatever they call it) from six years ago has preserved this excerpt from WWF Magazine‘s The World Wrestling Federation Lowdown section.
“Mysterious newcomer Papa Shango is a practitioner of voodoo who uses his dark sorcery for ill purposes. Over the last few months, Shango has appeared on WWF Television performing voodoo rituals in his oumphor, or voodoo temple. Lowdown has discovered that this massive, tattoo-riddled 320-pounder has allegedly concocted several spellbinding potions. According to Lowdown’s sources, Papa Shango plans to use these potions to help him destroy his opponents in the World Wrestling Federation.
“Several weeks ago, Lowdown had a chance to speak with Shango. He told us quite a bit about himself, including his plans for advancing in the WWF.
“‘Ha, ha, ha,’ Shango heartily laughed. ‘By thy power — Master of the Crossroads — this is a time for blood, Ybo. It is I, Ybo, I Papa Shango. And I will carry out your wishes when I wrestle the superstars here in the World Wrestling Federation.’ Ybo, pronounced ee-bo, is one of the voodoo gods to whom Papa Shango prays.”
I like to educate as well as entertain!
Bret Hart:
He’s A Maniac, Maniac On The Floor Of The Week
The week’s major story is that the Macho Man Randy Savage and the Ultimate Warrior have, “formed a bond that can never be broken,” and formed The Ultimate Maniacs. I guess calling themselves the “Macho Warriors,” would’ve given them too much of a Greek vibe. Anyway, you can watch the full segment here, which I urge you to do, especially if you’ve just dropped acid.
Highlights include Macho Man making his intentions clear via customized knee pad, as you do, and promising that if Ultimate Warrior puts on the Macho Maniacs glasses he’ll, “not only see your future, but you’ll also see your destiny, yeah! And all of us through your eyes, yeah, will also see you become the ultimate World Wrestling Federation champion!” Warrior fights off a big yawn and then sells the glasses, which he sells like he’s gone beyond the infinite.
They end the segment by hugging each other and gesturing wildly at the camera, which I assume they think is the face of God. The ULTIMATE MANIACS have officially formed, and are building to a big match at Survivor Series that never happens because one of them is a shoot narcissistic maniac who thinks wrestling is real. Guess which one!
Side note: One day I hope to be as happy about something as this guy is about Macho Man and Warrior hugging.
Next Week Of The Week
I have never been excited on any Christmas morning in my life as I am to talk to you about the “Komet Kid” next week. Please make sure you join me for that essay next week, and get your jetpacks ready.
