Lobsters, Fajitas, Sex Toys, And More: The Best And Weirdest Heists Of 2017

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Some notes before we begin.

Note Number One: I love heists. I love them so much. I love movies about heists and news stories about heists and even just sitting around and thinking about heists. I love big fancy jewel heists and weird food heists and heists of things I had never considered heistable. This is what I am about, on a personal level.

Note Number Two: At the beginning of this year, I created a Google doc that I filled with links to news stories about weird and notable heists. As of this morning, the document is 10 pages long and contains 34 separate heists. For this post, I have narrowed it down to only my favorites. The best of the best. I consider this an important public service.

Note Number Three: My favorite heist ever was the time a guy stole a bucket of gold out of a truck in New York, in broad daylight, and remained on the loose for months, leaving police so frustrated that they released the only picture they had of him, which was him at Madam Tussaud’s sitting on a wax sculpture of the bike from E.T., complete with a tiny wax E.T. in a tiny wax basket. None of these heists are as good as that heist. Because nothing at all is better than that heist.

Note Number Four: Neither I nor the fine people at Uproxx condone crime, even when it is hilarious. You should not do crimes. But if someone else does a crime, especially if it involves stealing, say, 20 tons of Nutella (oh, that is on the list), well then I see nothing wrong with having some fun with it. That’s all we’re doing here.

Note Number Five: Pierce Brosnan is at the top of this post because Pierce Brosnan is the patron saint of heists.

Synchronize your watches and put on your black turtlenecks, people. It is heisting time.

Million-dollar fajita heist!

From Atlas Obscura:

Initially, investigators believed that Escamilla stole between $2,500 and $30,000 worth of fajitas. In August, after finding fajita packets at Escamilla’s house, authorities booked him. Escamilla made bail, but he was arrested again earlier this week, this time on first-degree theft felony charges. As The Brownsville Herald reports, his fajita haul clocked in closer to $1,251,578. “If it wasn’t so serious, you’d think it was a Saturday Night Live skit,” Luis V. Saenz, the Cameron County District Attorney, told the paper.

By poring over invoices, purchase orders, and vouchers, investigators also found that Escamilla had a streamlined system: He delivered fajitas to buyers the very same day he ordered them.