Vladimir Putin’s Paranoia (He’s Now Got A Personal Pooper Scooper) Seems To Be Off The Hook, As Are His Delusions Of Being Like A Certain Russian Tsar

Vladimir Putin’s comparing himself to an all-powerful Russian monarch, but does he really have a personal poop collector? Yikes.

Let’s back up a moment. Over 100 days ago, Putin made the imperialistic decision to invade Ukraine. His troops have run into molotov cocktail-wielding grandmas amid news that the troops are so frustrated that some nearly blew up their general. Thousands of Ukrainian civilians have lost their lives for one man’s quest to rule as much of the world as possible, all while Putin’s so upset about the slowness of his progress that he’s firing military leaders. In addition, one of Putin’s top commanders got whacked by a sniper, and Putin is allegedly out of Botox, so what else could go wrong with this war?

Well, Putin’s rumored to be suffering from both health woes and assassination attempts, so that seems to have amped up his sense of paranoia. Via Yahoo, things are getting strange in that regard, but it’s been building up for years (since 2019, and it’s still ongoing), according to French media reports. That is to say, there’s reportedly a Putin poop collector, who sends his stuff back to Russia. And you thought your job was hard:

The journalists found indirect evidence about the work done by the “special” bodyguard back in 2019, when Putin visited Saudi Arabia. The same person accompanied Putin on bathroom visits during a visit to France.

The report suggests that this agent collects the excreta of the Russian leader in special bags, which are then packed into briefcases and dispatched to Russia. This is done presumably so that nobody can get information about Putin’s health.

We truly live in incredible times. Speaking of which, Reuters reveals that Putin gave a Thursday speech that reveals how he views himself, and he’s comparing his legacy to that of Tsar Peter the Great while suggesting that, while invading Ukraine, he’s only taking back what already belongs to Russia. Yep, Putin said this:

“Peter the Great waged the Great Northern War for 21 years. It would seem that he was at war with Sweden, he took something from them. He did not take anything from them, he returned (what was Russia’s),” Putin said after a visiting an exhibition dedicated to the tsar.

As NBC News notes, this will likely only amplify concerns that Putin also wishes to invade Poland and Finland if he’s ever finished waging war on Ukraine. And amid all of that seriousness, Putin’s freaking out about anyone digging into his own poop. Fitting.

(Via Yahoo, Reuters & NBC News)