I’m at the age where most of my friends now have kids, and the irony that many of my former partners in debauchery now wear the hat of a wholesome parents is seldom lost. For example, an old college roommate of mine who once staggered home after a drunken foursome with Something About Mary hair is now a stay-at-home soccer mom with three kids. Her kids will never, ever know about that! And what’s even crazier, it makes you wonder what sordid secrets your own parents harbored while you were growing up.
Such is the topic of today’s AskReddit: “Parents of Reddit, what is one shocking secret your kids will never learn about you?” The answers ranged from funny to risque to super serious, and we’ve listed the best ones below.
Britt5689 here better hope her Facebook is private:
That daddy and I don’t go to “dinner parties” we hit up swing clubs.
Leproscro’s secret took him on a quest for scientific knowledge:
I used my son’s microscope to look at my own sperm. Yep…I jizzed on my kids’ toy…..on purpose.
I hope eventually throwingmama can get her freak back on when her kids get older:
Our children will never learn that we were in pretty heavy rotation at a group sex/bondage club before they were born. We love the scene and are sorry we can’t be part of it right now given the constraints of having young children.
NoddyDogg is just one of countless parents who have made this difficult choice:
We drove to the abortion clinic (like the time before) but backed out at the last god damn second. Son, you will never know this and I love you.
actioncheese reminds us that babies are made when a man and a woman love each other very much, and sometimes a guy watches:
That one of my sons was conceived while a random guy watched on Skype.
Some people really just do not like babies, as bigsie writes here:
I really didn’t like either one of them until they were about 2. I mean, they were cute, adorable little babies, but I really just don’t like infants. They’ll never know because it sounds sh*tty to say, “Yo, you f*cking sucked for a while.”
If you ask me, Dravendk’s daughter shouldn’t have left her favorite stuffed toy on the damn lawn in the first place:
I ran over my daughters favorite stuffed toy, with my lawnmower. But i told her that the neighbor’s dog stole it.
glencocobutter has one hell of a heavy secret with this one:
I don’t know if I’d want my daughter to know that her biological father used to beat me. I don’t know how I would explain to her that the man she looks up to like a dad isn’t biologically her father. I just don’t want her knowing that half of her DNA comes from an abusive scumbag.
Contrary to what Glewellin says, I think this makes for a lovely “how I met your father” story:
Well, our future kids are definitely not finding out I met their father at a 50-person consensual non-consent role-play gangbang. Heheh.
TheFalteseMalcon has a secret that might scare the rest of us away from having kids:
How much I resent that they’ve ruined my body. Seriously my vagina is wrecked. I hate looking at it, I hate having sex because it hurts and I just can’t stand the thought of my partner seeing/touching it. I even hate going for a pee because when I wipe it just feels awful. This is AFTER corrective surgery btw. Also breastfeeding was hell and I don’t like my nipples touched at all. Plus my damn feet are a size bigger and I had to get rid of my favourite shoes :c
I love my kids deeply and this is obviously not their fault. Some women have easier births, some have more difficult ones. At least I didn’t die in childbirth! So yeah this is NOT something that affects my relationship with them, it’s something I will keep to myself.
And finally, as GrouchyGreta points out, sometimes babies are born when a man and a woman and another woman love each other very much:
That she was conceived during a threesome.