The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 02/01/18: A New Version Of You

Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Yep. That’s all I’ve got this week.

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Previously: Su-Su-Sussudio. Wait, no. I meant Genesis.

Another Week, Another Disclaimer: A Good Egg

Last week, it was the EC3/WWE news that I had to deal with in my Impact Wrestling recap. This week, it’s Jeremy Borash/WWE news. Somewhere in between was Drake Maverick Rockstar Spud/WWE news. Kind of. He had already been signed a while back, but he certainly bridges the gap between the other two.

Basically, JB leaving Impact Wrestling is big news, and he will be missed. But not on commentary, because if you’ve been reading these recaps, JB moving onwards and upwards does not negate how he was in that particular role. As for Josh Mathews, I can’t imagine us ever hearing news that WWE rehired him, but from what I’ve heard, he won’t be a commentary problem for too long either. But since they tape 50 episodes in advance, we’ll see what “too long” means.

I do, however know, people on the streets (again, my term for diehard Impact fans in the corners of the Internet I try not to let people know I lurk at) want to blame the bad commentary now — because of the announcement — on JB completely. But don’t worry, it’s still a 50/50 lack of effort between him and Josh Mathews.

EH: Boggled

FACT: I will never let up on giving Impact Wrestling shit for forgetting how to lift the camera up to the head when it comes to “surprise” arrivals. Especially when they show other people arriving at the venue with no problems when it comes to head showcasing.

ACE: Things Change

We’ve got new style schemes in our match cards and blue (REST IN HELL, lime green) ropes — along with the return of our “old friend,” the four-sided ring, though you don’t have to keep talking about it, Impact — and even some more changes to the ever-changing opening titles.

There’s also the really nice touch of the backstage promo that airs during Matt Sydal’s ring entrance. It’s comparative to WWE’s picture-in-picture promos, and if it becomes a new thing, it could certainly help with Impact Wrestling persistent characterization, motivation, and logic problems.

ACE: The Force

Now to discuss that Sydal promo. Well, it’s certainly better than the ones leading up to his Grand Championship challenges. With this promo — which they say came after Sydal won the championship — Sydal goes into detail about how he was able to be EC3 for the Grand Championship, through the guidance of “a special spiritual advisor that has been guiding [him] and showing [him] the path.”

Somehow, giving Sydal a context for his nonsense makes it sounds better than — again — everything he was saying before he won the championship. It also helps that we’ve now got the actual Grand Championship concept out of the way and (SPOILER ALERT, if you’re just not paying attention) will soon have the entire title out of the way, as well.

As for the match itself, commentary works with the story that Matt Sydal isn’t used to wrestling men Fallah Bahh’s size, which is 100% true. Because of that, we go the standard little man versus (perpetually confused) big man routine, with Sydal doing all he can to ground Bahh and Bahh either knocking Sydal with one punch or taking himself out just by crashing and burning on moves. (Bahh really doesn’t have a strategy other than “make sounds” and “hope he connects with Sydal.” Sometimes I wonder if he knows why he’s in matches.)

Also, WOW, there was a “FAT KIDS RULE” chant for Bahh during this match. Heavyweights 2, it looks like we’ve got a camp counselor for you… All in all a downright good segment for the Grand Championship. Leave the memories alone, would ya?

EH: Sophomoric

Oh yes, Josh Mathews is heel again, as he calls the Impact Zone audience “nuts” for loving Allie and Fallah Bahh and later on calls Moose a “glory hog.” He also calls Moose a “glory hog” when he’s getting destroyed during the tag team main event. I’d like to believe his heeldom will at least be consistent now for this round of tapings, though it will still be heel Josh, with is never an ACE.

ACE: Running Mates

No, we still have no idea how the Cult of Lee came to be. I actually saw someone who supposedly watches every week explain this segment (to someone who doesn’t) as it looking like Trevor Lee is maybe trying to become a cult leader. That’s how well Impact Wrestling has handled the Cult of Lee, despite Trevor Lee and Caleb Konley actually doing a good job. (Sorry, Andrew Everett, if you’re even still part of the group.) BUT this segment is certainly a step in the right direction, and I’m not just talking about the coordinated Hawaiian shirts.

You have Konley stressing out about losing Lee the X-Division Championship, with Lee being strangle calm about it. Because as he says: “You’re looking good. We’re looking good. That’s all that matters.” He also says (and Konley of course lovingly agrees) his three best traits are his “glorious hair,” his “rock hard body,” and his “thinking.” He’s “five steps ahead of the people that are five steps behind.” I suppose that explains how he got away with stealing Sonjay Dutt’s X-Division Championship … This “five steps ahead” thing will come back later in the episode, just so you know.

You know what? Trevor Lee should end up being Sydal’s “spiritual advisor.” It would even make sense then why Lee isn’t pursuing the X-Division Championship anymore. Sorry I put that good idea in your heads.

ACE: Greeks And Geeks

Well, you know Lashley’s a face now because he’s smiling a little bit on his way to the ring, and he’s even playing to the crowd. The weight of American Top Team apparently wasn’t that heavy at all. Huh.

Also, another problem with taping these episodes as far in advance as they do: Someone in the crowd has a “WHY BOBBY WHY???” sign, implying that they assumed he was still with ATT. Because if you don’t check spoilers, there’s no way to know at these tapings that the ATT storyline would be over and that Bobby Lashley would be a face.

But even if he weren’t face, the crowd would still cheer for him over KM. And that’s despite the fact that this is easily KM’s best match since joining Impact Wrestling. I was going to say, “not that he’s gotten any chance to showcase his ability against much better talent,” but then I remembered he had a match against Johnny Impact, so … he has. (And let’s be fair, this match against Lashley also shows how slow and not-anywhere-near-the-same-level he is in comparison.)

But still, it’s the best KM has ever looked, even though the ATT storyline is proving to have done absolutely nothing to make new star talent or help anyone that’s sticking around. You could maybe argue that it helped Moose, but Moose’s popularity in Impact Wrestling has been the result of literally everything else he has done and Lashley’s own willingness to make him look good. But Lashley at least lost to Moose, which is not the case for him and KM. Or anyone and KM.

This match also features the loudest referee alive.

Wait, I Actually Think That Was All An EH: Greeks And Geeks (v. 2)

Wow, that ACE actually turned into a massive EH. Let me start over.

ACE, For Real This Time: Future Shock

Alright. Like I said, this is easily KM’s best match in Impact Wrestling, and commentary even sells how big of a deal this match is for him. It technically is (or at least should be) a “career-defining” match, especially if he wins. The man does a plancha to the outside, so you can’t say he’s not working his ass off here.

KM even does some pretty good trash talk, first starting with his “I’m supposed to be scared of you?!?” (yes though) to Lashley and then getting so into all the trash talk that he keeps suffering for it. You have his “I’m the man! I run Impact Wrestling!” directly to the camera after that. Then there’s his shit-stirring “You guys like me, dontcha?” to the crowd, right before belly flopping with a slingshot splash back to the inside. He puts in work. Like I said, he is still pretty slow — it’s the difference between this match and the previous week’s Lashley/Moose match — but he works hard to keep up with Lashley, and it’s worth applauding.

There’s even a “YOU’RE A LIAR” chant, which follows the Impact Zone’s (no matter where it is) standard of providing original — but kind of really lame — chants. See: “FAT KIDS RULE” earlier in the show.

EH: Back To The Future

KM has a hard enough time being taken seriously without Josh Mathews saying this on commentary (and JB clearly laughing): “Oh, Biff Tannen’s in trouble.” Don’t you just love it when a heel commentator also makes sure to make the heel wrestler look like a complete oaf? He also find a way to make the verbal version of a wanking motion when he talks about how Lashley definitely won’t tap to a side headlock. (Though I’m sure part of that is the screaming referee asking Lashley if he quits during it.

ACE: Final Answer

Jimmy Jacobs, you’re no princess. You’re a rapscallion! How dare you hang up on Grandma Jenny?!? Just kidding — you’ll always be a princess to me.

Seriously, congratulations to Jimmy Jacobs for making the idea of a Kongo Kong/Abyss match sound intriguing and almost even sound like a good idea.

ACE: The Depths

As someone originally from the Tampa Bay Area, let me just say I’ll never not be amused by very central Floridian-architecture. Christian Cage’s home — even though we see very little of it, mostly just the pool Abyss tries to drown him in — is very, very central Floridian.

EH: Docuventary

Don’t you love it when the actual talent in Impact Wrestling storylines has no idea what their actual motivation is or what the nonsensical story is at any given point? In a post-match promo, Lashley says that for months, he’s been forced to makes decision” re: professional wrestling or MMA.

Except that literally has not been the storyline for months. It was the storyline when Jim Cornette was still around, and Lashley already made the choice! Remember, there was a whole segment when King Mo informed (despite it being very obvious, because he was there, training with them) everyone that Lashley was back and then all bro bumped and high fived. Then the company proved it didn’t know what “unconditional release” meant, and Lashley was done actually being anything resembling the center of this storyline.

“I am gonna focus on professional wrestling. And I am still gonna focus on mixed martial arts. And I am still gonna do whatever the hell I want.”

I mean, you just could have done that before. King Mo — before he decided to try to do things in the wrestling ring again — even said you should do both. I’m guessing Lashley doesn’t remember the part in this whole storyline where he quit wrestling because all his “real friends” were in MMA. That actually happened.

ACE: True Colors

First of all, Laurel Van Ness has pink hair now. She really is in “big time celebration mode,” lookin’ like a cotton candy champ. Love it.

This match is of course an interesting one because it has new talent and supposed debut match Kiera Hogan pin the champion. Yes, it happens as a result of babyface entrance theme and jaw-jacking “interference,” but it still happens — and it sets up a title match for next week. Will Allie still be as satisfied if this new girl wins the championship from Laurel when she couldn’t do it? We shall see.

But the other thing about Kiera Hogan is that even before the win — back when it was easy to assume this would just be a squash for the champ — is that you can get a pretty good read on her in-ring ability and how that’ll mesh with the rest of the division. And wow, she is TV ready. More than Ava Storie (who I’m still not sure realizes that cameras are on when she’s wrestling) and even more than KC Spinelli (who realizes the cameras are on but not when it comes to actually playing to them). Here I am writing notes about how I hope Impact Wrestling can quickly figure out something for her to do, and then she ends up winning the match.

EH: Senioritis

If you want to see the wrestling dictionary definition of “checked out,” look no further than each time EC3 does Home Alone-face this week.

ACE: The Fugue

Alberto El Patron’s speech — can you even really call what he says “promos” anymore — is again so long it’s terrible. It’s technically an EH. But it’s really so terrible it’s hilarious, especially as EC3 just waits his turn for El Patron to stop his rambling. El Patron calls EC3 “this one,” which is even more uninspired than “kid.” It’s so impressive.

ACE: Connections

In this week’s show, we say goodbye to the LAX/oVe feud with much fonder memories than the entire ATT thing. Who could have even imagined, considering the feud’s obnoxious beginnings? Sure commentary doesn’t understand the difference between a couple of weeks ago (when Barbed Wire Massacre 3 actually happened, airdate-wise) and several weeks ago (when they keep saying Barbed Wire Massacre 3 happened), but what do you expect? Seriously, what do you expect?

Everything about this segment — other than the not-so-great but also not-so-clear “sex operation” comment about Sami Callihan and the fact that Konnan doesn’t understand DEFCON 5 is the lowest level — works. You have Konnan bragging about how on top of the world LAX, which is understandable.

Then you have oVe coming to give their respect to LAX — despite their still very palpable hatred for them — and calling for a temporary ceasefire … because they are all literally going to murder each other if they do not. There’s also Sami saying they’re taking a break from LAX, because they have “bigger fishes to fry,” which is interesting, because there are only two tag teams in Impact Wrestling.

Well, now there are three, as Trevor Lee’s back-up plan was apparently to go after LAX and the Impact Tag Team Championship. And because Konnan basically refuses Sami’s words of respect and insults the idea of bigger fish than LAX, oVe have no reason to help when Lee and Konley attack LAX from behind (and find a weakness in the damn numbers game) and steal their flags and bandanas. Look at Impact Wrestling with that logical segment from top-to-bottom.

EH: The Declaration

“New year, new ring, but same Impact Wrestling.”

It looks like Moose didn’t get the memo that “same Impact Wrestling” is a bad thing, even though his new boss keeps saying that every chance he can. Moose also won’t stop dwelling on the fact that the ring is the standard rectangle now: He’s in absolute awe during his ring entrance.

ACE: Hot Objects

I was not expecting to hear Eli Drake and Chris Adonis defend the finish of Genesis’ Six Sides of Steel match by saying Adonis was saving Johnny Impact from falling to his death, but I was certainly happy to hear that.

ACE: Finally

You’ve got to love a hype vignette that begs the question: Who is that man-slash-machine?

ACE: Great Expectations

Throughout the entire episode, this main event is hyped specifically as an “all-star tag team” match. This match is so big, Johnny Impact even hits the Starship Pain perfectly on the mark. He doesn’t win the match with it, but that’s still a big deal. Of course, Impact Wrestling does that thing they tend to do where they hype up a “main event” — which is completely an EH — only to use that hype up a more important segment happening right after it (technically the Eli Drake celebration but really the “mystery man” reveal).

This match is fine, as it’s really just another one of those main eventer tag team matches. Alberto El Patron hits some brutal spots on Johnny Impact, first with the snap suplex on the outside and then the DDT on the ramp … which both happened during the break, instead of the match proper, for some reason.

EH: The Paper Chase

When Josh says EC3 is “making headlines as of late,” he’s talking about NXT, right? So this confirms that when he said the same about Madison Rayne, he was talking about her WWE tryout? Why would you mention these things? “Lately, this talent has basically been doing everything they can to never have to come back to Impact Wrestling.” It would be better to just say EC3 “made the jump” back to Impact Wrestling, even for just a temporary time.

EH: One Ball, Two Strikes

Can EC3 and Alberto El Patron co-exist? Yes, actually. Despite being an odd couple, EC3 and Alberto El Patron are actually a really good tag team. They even do smart tag team work in preventing tags throughout the whole match. They’re a much better team than Johnny Impact and Moose.

So why is this an EH? Because there is absolutely zero tension or conflict between these two super egos. Yes they can co-exist, and no, there apparently was no reason to ask that whatsoever. There is a very small glimpse of conflict, in which EC3 tries to one-up El Patron on an earlier move … but all that does is change the tide in favor of the faces, and El Patron never actually gets in EC3’s face about it. It’s pretty much in good nature, all things considered.

ACE: The Biggest Deal There Is

When JB announced that Eli Drake’s celebration segment would be called “The Facts of Eli Drake’s Life,” panic set in. Wrestling doesn’t need another “This Is Your Life” segment anytime soon, if at all. Thankfully, the actual segment was not that, and we can thank the wrestling gods for that.

Instead, what we get is a pretty amusing segment that (accidentally) shows off just how good of a champion Eli Drake has been. There’s certainly a lot left in the tank for this reign, based on this segment. The video packages after each “FACT” Adonis lists about Drake are a nice touch, the opposite of JB and Josh talking over said videos. Especially the “doctored” video after Adonis proclaims Eli Drake is “the greatest friend that’s ever lived.” ESPECIALLY Eli Drake comforting Adonis by telling him just how great he looked in the turkey suit back at Eli Drake’s Gravy Train Turkey Trot.

Even without spoilers, you could probably guess where things were going as Drake and Adonis pushed the whole “ … that’s ever lived” part of Drake’s accomplishments.

EH: Surprise

Hotshotting a title to the new kid on the block — even if that new kid has been here before … and before … and before — is classic “lol TNA.” I know Austin Aries will put on better matches than Eli Drake. I know Austin Aries is a draw for this audience. I am an Austin Aries fan, and even happy to see him back in the Impact Zone.

But Eli Drake’s entire reign was dedicated to Johnny Impact and Alberto El Patron, and now there won’t be a chance of him feuding with James Storm (because he’s gone), EC3 (because he’s gone), Lashley (SPOILER ALERT: because he’s gone), or even Eddie Edwards (who’s actually not gone!). He feuded with one guy who wouldn’t stop trying to get “sneaky meatheads” over and another who has a condition where he can’t stop saying “kid” or “paper champion.” Oh god, is Austin Aries now the “paper champion?” He was also constantly placed as second fiddle to the ATT stuff, and that’s just disrespectful.

Plus, it was actually refreshing to know Johnny Impact and Alberto El Patron would have to stay away from the Global Championship for awhile and have to work in other situations. (Moose pinning El Patron cleanly in the center of the ring during the tag match would suggest they’ll feud, but now El Patron has no reason not to go after the big championship again.) Now we’ll have Eli Drake trying to get the title back … but those two will also be fully back in contention. What’s the opposite of “woo hoo?” (And let’s be real, they didn’t give the title to Aries this quickly for him to drop it back to Drake.)

There’s also the matter of how the match shouldn’t have even started. At least not the way it did. This wasn’t the grey area of a Money In The Bank cash-in: There’s absolutely no reason the match should have started with Austin Aries laid out on the mat like he was. Not that it mattered, as he embarrassed Eli Drake (and Chris Adonis) in a matter of seconds, but still.

ACE: Moving On

At least we no longer have to call it the Global Championship:

Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap and also comment, because I actually love reading comments. (Crazy, right?) And another thing, regarding Austin Aries’ deserved “WELCOME BACK” chants this week: I just wanted to note that the Impact Zone also chanted that when Aron Rex — who had never wrestled in this company before — made his debut.