Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving. Even the Canadians who celebrated last month.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.
Previously: None of it matters here, so we’ll just discuss it next week.
This week’s episode is a little — a lot, really — different, because it’s a filler holiday episode that never promises to be anything other than that. So I’ll be critiquing it appropriately. I mean, there’s only one match on the damn show. Sure, I’ll find time to throw an EH to (a flashback of) Grado and Josh Mathews speaking, but please don’t expect this to be the usual Impact Wrestling ACES and EHS. In fact, I’ll throw an EH right now to Josh Mathews for bringing up “The Dollhouse” again. You may think it’s funny because he mentions how everyone on social media called him out for how he said “Doll,” but that’s probably because you forgot how he used that as fuel to intentionally say it as obnoxiously as possible then. And he wasn’t a heel.
ACE? I Guess: How They Explain This
At the beginning of the episode — before Jeremy Borash reminds everyone that Impact Wrestling will always have access to Robert Irvine because of Gail Kim — Josh Mathews explains why everything at Impact Wrestling has taken a break for this nonsense: “It’s nice that everyone’s sort of, like, you know, put their feelings aside from what happened last week and we’ll get back into everything that happened, next week. But we’re gonna celebrate this amazing holiday.”
Sure, it’s an explainer that clearly has no idea how the editing of these episodes shook out and what matches and segments actually made the cut last week, but it’s the thought that counts.
EH: “The Dreaded Turkey Suit”
In theory, I understand the embarrassment of the turkey suit and the whole concept of the Turkey Bow— er … Eli Drake’s Gravy Train Turkey Trot. But seriously, what is so embarrassing about wearing the turkey suit? You already lost the match — meaning you’re a loser, which is more embarrassing since it factors into your win-loss record — and it’s not like anyone really talks about the turkey suit outside of the Thanksgiving episode. Even Allie is excited about wearing the turkey suit until she’s told it’s the sign of being a loser. And even then, does she really have a problem with the suit itself?
It’s far from the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to anyone on Thanksgiving, and it’s far less silly than a food fight. Speaking of, have you ever read Brandon Stroud’s “An Incomplete Guide To Pro Wrestling’s Worst Thanksgiving Traditions?”
EH: LOL Shawn Daivari Was X-Division Champion
This is really more of a sad “LOL,” because … I still don’t understand how this happened. I mean, that’s my go-to “I can’t believe he was X-Division Champion” example, because … LOL.
EH: Seriously, Is It That Bad?
In this flashback, Alex Shelley is trying to weasel his way out of the turkey suit, claiming that the “female demographic” will drop if ya boy Total Nonstop @LX has to cover up the goods with that abomination. It’s an amusing tactic — though I feel I should point out that even the turkey suit doesn’t truly cover up the goods that are Alex Shelley — and it’s not his protestations that are the problem here. It’s Mick Foley, cutting a ridiculously passionate promo … about absolutely nothing.
Whatever fun that’s supposed to come from all this Turkey Bowl nonsense is completely sucked out of the room in this Mick Foley promo to convince Alex Shelley to put on the turkey suit. So of course they make sure to play the whole thing. The only difference between this promo and the ones Mick Foley was cutting on Monday Night RAW as GM is that that this one doesn’t have him struggling to remember what he has to say. Still awful.
ACE: America’s Sweethearts, Starring Julia Roberts And Pop TV
Black Friday on Pop TV is apparently the time for an all-day Julia Roberts movie marathon, and um, I’ve never loved Pop TV more?
EH: Big Mistake. Big. Huge.
Now to actually check out Pop TV’s Julia Roberts marathon schedule, aka “Julia Roberts movies Pop TV has the rights to.” Either way you say it, it’s not much. First up at 10 am ET (“all-day,” huh?) is Eat Pray Love. That’s literally no actual person’s favorite Julia Roberts movie, but it is a Julia Roberts movie, so okay. Then Stepmom, then Steel Magnolias.
Now we’re talking, right? Wrong. Because after Steel Magnolias is Steel Magnolias again. Then Stepmom again. Then Eat Pray Love again. Then the “marathon” is over. You’re telling me Pop TV doesn’t even have the rights to Ocean’s 12? You know, the one that no one wants the rights to but at least has the scene where Julia Roberts has to pretend to be Julia Roberts? Please.
Please.
Actually, they’ve definitely played The Pelican Brief after Impact before, so this is just even more nonsense.
ACE: The Weirdos On The Impact Wrestling Roster
Throughout the night, we’re provided with talking heads from the new Global Chamber Rooms, where the Impact Wrestling roster talk about their favorite Thanksgiving memories, traditions, what they’re thankful for, etc. It is in these moments we learn that Bobby Lashley is a sociopath (though I suppose we might have known that), EC3 is a vain rich boy (wait, we definitely already knew that), and Petey Williams is a Canadian monster who tried to ruin American Christmas (that’s a new one).
Here are some highlights:
- Eli Drake played bass drum at the 1997 Macy’s Parade. No, seriously.
- Lashley tells a story about the family dog Scrappy getting into all the food when his family stepped away from the table… and then choking on a bone and dying. Then he says LOLJK, and it’s like, why would you even tell such an elaborate story in the first place, Lashley? He’s such a dick. It’s great.
- Matt Sydal eats carbs?
- Sienna is thankful for her fans, who totally exist.
- Seriously, everything EC3 is thankful for (even his “Aunt D”). Bless his heart.
Also, KC Spinelli is in one of these. I suppose I’ll give it an EH though, because: 1. The whole thing is supposed to be that she’s not even a part of the roster. She’s supposedly trying to become a full-time Knockout one week and the next week is getting the same amount of screentime as main eventers on this show. 2. I didn’t even recognize who she was at first, because we’ve so far only seen her in poorly lit Border City Wrestling matches. 3. A reminder: We still have absolutely no clue who this woman is or what her deal is, yet see the first two points.
ACE: The Boys
Now we can finally start talking about the show, which is just Eli Drake and Chris Adonis being absolute idiots while Jeremy Borash tries to be professional. “Professional” of course means pretending he doesn’t get the bro jokes Drake and Adonis make throughout and just taking it whenever Eli Drake knocks a roll out of his mouth. To the bullet point list:
- “Pass the gravy, daddeh.” There’s a lot of talk on this show from Eli Drake about mashed potatoes and gravy, but you’ve got to appreciate that his bizarre speech patterns apparently came from “Daddeh Drake.”
- With this, Eli Drake decides the “Turkey Bowl” deserves to officially be renamed “Eli Drake’s Gravy Train Turkey Trot.”
- Drake seems confused by the fact that Standby Wrestler Richard Justice is even an eligible competitor for this match.
- Chris Adonis: “Oh, I have got to see dick in that suit.”
Eli Drake: “ … who?”
Chris Adonis: “Dick. Richard.” - Again, Eli Drake just knocking the rolls out of JB’s mouth and JB whining about it. He actually whines about Drake throwing other pieces of food around the whole time they’re selecting the team members.
- Eli Drake quoting Drake.
- Terrible bros Drake and Adonis both admit that they would hook up with Laurel Van Ness, turkey and all. That’s fine. But the most disgusted EH ever to Adonis taking it too far by saying “I’d stuff that turkey.”
- Adonis tickling JB with a maple leaf for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
- Drake trying to save Adonis by saying the paper says “Earl Stevens.” Aww.
ACE (with some EHs for people who aren’t the main ACE): McKenzie Mitchell, Duh
The boys’ shenanigans all transition to McKenzie’s (usually, attempted) interviews with the participants in the 10-person tag match. Again, with the bullet points:
- McKenzie has to spend the first couple of times trying to remember to say “Eli Drake’s Gravy Train Turkey Trot,” as she calls it a “mouthful.” She later says it effortlessly, only to get more in her head about it halfway through — as everyone keeps flustering her in these damn interviews — and having to slow it down as to not make a mistake.
- Eddie Edwards is literally the only one out of Drake and Adonis who sounds excited about participating in the first ever Eli Drake’s Gravy Train Turkey Trot. Bless his heart too.
- Meanwhile, El Hijo del Fantasma just says, “I don’t know what that is.” Though he does get an EH for busting out a catchphrase (“CHO-CO-LATE”) literally no one who watches Impact Wrestling would know is his thing, because literally nothing about that pointless Team Impact versus Team AAA feud told us anything about the AAA guys.
- As I mentioned before, Allie is excited to wear the turkey suit because she doesn’t know it symbolizes losing. Even better, she has a bunch of turkey photos on her phone (normal) and offers to show them to McKenzie. Bless her heart as well.
- Garza Jr. doesn’t understand that this is not a tournament, which is technically an EH, because they really just keep setting this kid up to fail. He also thinks everyone’s been talking about how he’s a liability in this mach because of his dead arm, even though these interviews happen just seconds after the members of the teams are announced. Is it possible for Garza Jr. to get a manager — now that LAX is face, this is as good a time as any to join — at the next tapings? Or to be physically 100%? Both of these are very important for him.
- Trevor Lee thinks Caleb Konley losing means they’re all gonna laugh at “us.” Aww, “us.” (He and Caleb don’t even talk to McKenzie at all.)
- An EH to KM, who thinks he sounds intimidating by telling McKenzie all the things he doesn’t care about (you know, he also doesn’t care about “this interview”) but instead sounds like a dweeb when he says: “The only thing I care about tonight, is proving myself to American Top Team.” It really doesn’t help him that he has a higher voice than you’d expect when he gets into this rant. ACE to McKenzie’s “It’s always something with this one,” though.
- Laurel Van Ness, continuing her role as “the evolution of Alicia Fox,” by simply popping up behind McKenzie and becoming a turkey.
- McKenzie Mitchell: “All you say is ‘BAHH’?”
Fallah Bahh: “Gobble Gobble.”
ACE: Planting The (Turkey) Seeds
Of course Chris Adonis gets the team captain spot and the loss in the match. He spends 95% of this show really dwelling on how “embarrassing” wearing the turkey suit would be. He’s practically disgusted by it. I still don’t know why he and Eli thought their names weren’t able to be drawn, but hey, it was worth it.
EH: An Aces Ands Eights Member, Go Figure
Sure, play a match where one of your ex-WWE commentators spends the entire time mocking the concept, talent, and officials of his new company. No, please. It wouldn’t be classic LOLTNA if you didn’t do that at least once per episode.
Also, referee Rudy Charles has never looked like a 12 year old. He’s never actually looked “young,” he’s just round and people mistake that for the same thing. He has always looked like he’s about to cry at any second though. (See, Josh? That’s how you point out someone looks like they’re on the verge of tears.)
A Legitimate Question
Did Rudy Charles actually have a hand in the creation of the Turkey Bowl concept? Because he was always the most emotionally invested in the match and the fallout, often more than the actual participants. He took the stipulations of the match more seriously than he does … the stipulations of most matches, as he tends to mess up a lot when it comes to non-Turkey Bowl matches, really.
EH: If You Wanna Be Somebody, If You Wanna Go Somewhere, You Better Wake Up And Pay Attention
I’m not saying there’s a direct correlation, but there should at least be one person realizing that every single person who’s donned the Turkey suit (or even been in one of these matches) is no longer in the company. Except for Grado. Because when you have that many talented people partake in this stupid tradition — and Grado — eventually, of course Grado’s the only one left standing.
And then you’re going to do this and show Robbie E twice — no offense to Robbie E and all offense to Aiden O’Shea, but there was no reason to show the “blast from the past” from last year — instead of showing AJ Styles in the turkey suit:
ACE: Eli Drake’s Gravy Train Turkey Trot
Let me just admit it right now: I’ll never not laugh at an “I, State Your Name” bit going exactly the way you think it’s going to go. That and Caleb having to remember that L=left hand (while Laurel Van Ness just raises both hands) are highlights of the pre-match oath Eli Drake makes JB recite to them. You know what, I’ll also say Josh calling the child ref “our 11-year-old referee” is a highlight, even though it’s still so ridiculous (in a bad way) Impact completely dropped their actual in-ring officials the way they did.
This match is as goofy as expected — Fallah Bahh stops KM in order for Garza Jr. to struggle rip off his pants — and regardless of what you thought of the rest of the episode, this match is enjoyable. Convenient how the teams split perfectly into face versus hee thoughl, huh? Well, Fantasma’s technically a face now, but he’s from AAA, so we know that naturally makes him a heel when the circumstances require it.
Then Chris Adonis loses clean in the middle of the ring, probably because he still insists on yelling “MASTERLOCK” before putting on the Adonis Lock. You know what’s next, as he fights and runs and ends up in the turkey suit (because it’s him or Drake — and it’s pretty funny he tries to pin it on Drake, since it’s his Turkey Trot and all). Then a food fight, but because Impact Wrestling really wants to send everyone home happy, we know who threw the pie: Adonis, right into Drake’s face. Eli Drake sees red as the episode ends, and that’s that.
I know my rundown of the main event is anti-climactic, but … I feel like I’ve appropriately explained why that would be in this whole thing, didn’t I? It’s a goofy match that you can watch or not watch, and it won’t negatively affect your thoughts on Impact Wrestling either way. It’s a Thanksgiving miracle.
EH: The Guy With The Horn
Oh get the hell out of here with this noise. Literally.
Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. But also: Tune in next week when I can get back to actually having a real problem with Impact Wrestling’s storytelling, etc.
