Remember when we said that the Hulk Hogan vs. Gawker trial was going to be bananas? Well, we don’t want to say we told you so on something so predictable, but today Hulk Hogan talked about the size of his penis in court, so uhh…yeah. Told you so.
During their cross-examination of Hulk Hogan Tuesday, the Gawker defense team tried to prove that Hogan couldn’t have been that humiliated by the leaked sex tape by playing a radio interview wherein Hogan suggested that his little Hulkster was not so little, measuring at about ten inches long. Via The New York Post:
When asked if he was actually “discussing the length of your penis,” Hogan said: “Well, it’s not mine, because mine is not the size we’re discussing.”
“Seriously?” Gawker lawyer Michael Sullivan asked.
“No, seriously. I do not have a 10-inch penis,” Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, answered.
In a masterful kayfabe contribution to the legacy of his wrestling persona, Hogan went on to clarify that Terry Bollea (his real name for the uninitiated) does not have a 10-inch penis, but “Hulk Hogan” does. How upset do you think Big Vitamin is today after realizing they’ve been missing out on a (literally) massive marketing opportunity for all these years?
Oddly enough, if there’s any takeaway from the sex tape in question, it’s that he puts both the “hulk” and the “hog” in Hulk Hogan. I mean, that was the sex tape that introduced the term “meat thermos” into my personal lexicon (lexicock?) of dick euphemisms. If you’ll recall, this is how it was described in the original Gawker post Hogan is suing over:
Then we watch Hulk stand up and clumsily attempt to roll a condom on to his erect penis which, even if it has been ravaged by steroids and middle-age, still appears to be the size of a thermos you’d find in a child’s lunchbox.
I guess we’re also adding “humble and fiercely dedicated to penis-size accuracy” to the Hulk Hogan canon, as well.
Though it seems superfluous, this trial could have serious ramifications in future cases involving journalistic freedom of speech. Now, however, it will forever be the trial that got me to text “Sorry, Hulk Hogan talked about how big his dick is in court so I’ll have to message you later” to my mother. I like to think she’s never been prouder. Thanks, Hulk!