‘Total Divas’ Recap: An Elephant Never Gets Drafted

Last time on Total Divas, Lana had a non-bachelorette party in Vegas, and Renee Young played the worst long-con non-prank in the history of pranks.

And so we’ve come to the end of the road: it’s the Total Divas mid-season finale! Sad songs say so much. You can find our recap of the season six premiere right here if you need to get caught up, and you can find our Total Bellas recaps over here.

On with the show!

John Cena and Nikki are out at lunch or an exceedingly bright dinner, and Nikki realizes it’s the same place they were eating when she first got the pain in her neck. She’s going for her evaluation soon, and she wants Cena to hit his finisher on her. He says he tries, every night.

Nice.

At the gym, everyone is working out and nervous about the WWE Draft, and also about Lana’s wedding. Lana says Rusev loves elephants, so she’s getting him a real elephant, maybe two. You know, because of the carnival circus wedding.

Maryse jumps on Lana, because trained elephants are stripped from their mothers and tortured for years, and treated horribly in general. Lana tries to fire back with a lame, “Well, you wear leather shoes,” but Maryse is like WHATEVER GET AN ELEPHANT FOR YOUR DUMB WEDDING I DON’T GIVE A SHIT and leaves.

In hair and makeup, Jon is being his usual hilarious self, but Naomi is stressing out about the possibility of them being split up in the draft. Elsewhere backstage, Maryse wants to talk to Miz, and tells him she’s not going to Lana’s wedding if there’s gonna be damn elephants just walking around. Miz supports her, obviously.

ELSEWHERE elsewhere backstage, Renee is nervous for a third reason: she’s taking Dean Ambrose back to Toronto to meet the family. She was talking to Natalya about it, so whatever advice Nattie gave her I didn’t pay attention to. Later, Renee and Dean head up to Tch’ronno to visit the fam and they’ve got a house rented. That’s all.

Nikki goes to her doctor to get her MRI and find out whether this will be the end of her wrestling career, or the thing we already know happens.

At the house Dean and Renee have rented, Dean didn’t shower before her mom arrives, opting instead to eat sushi. Renee is like, “My mom can’t meet Dean with dirty, greasy hair.” Uh, Renee, I’ve got bad news for you. Mama Young shows up and Dean opens the door and greets her. He presents gifts and compliments her by “mistaking” her for Renee’s sister. They drink some fine Canadian beer in the back yard and Dean suggests they go out for bungee jumping. Then Renee’s mom reveals her CRAZY ASS FOOT.

HAHA WHAT

Nikki goes to Dr. Uribe’s office to see if she’s getting cleared and get the results of her CT. He says everything looks good, and they’ll clear her. Nikki is very excited!

At Rusev and Lana’s pool, Lana watches videos of elephants and realizes Maryse is right, so no elephants at the wedding. BUT she DOES want a flower arch, which she’s wanted her whole life, even though it’s $10,000 for a 45-minute ceremony. She challenges Rusev to a lap in the pool for the right to get a flower arch, and she wins. See you later, ten grand!

Renee and Dean go out to dinner with Renee’s whole family, and Renee gets embarrassed by her mom farting when she gets out of the car, but Dean loves it. As they sit at their outdoor table and eat, SOMEONE TAKES RENEE’S HAT.

Dean hops the rail and gives chase, then threatens to fight the guy.

Renee says it was some drunks who saw the camera crew and wanted to get on-camera, but Dean won’t let the guy leave until he says “I’m a drunk as [expletive].” The guy complies and leaves, and Renee is pissed, because now her family is going to think Dean is some sort of maniac. Dean goes back and sits down and everything is fine, but Renee is huffy. The fam and Dean go out for after-dinner drinks, but Renee is like “no, I’ll stay here.”

Nikki goes to the Performance Center to get back in ring shape, which is very different from being in shape. She’s definitely out of practice.

Dean and Renee’s family are pounding shots at the bar and having a great time, and Renee finally shows up. Renee asks if they’re doing shots, and Dean says yeah, they’re getting REAL Canadian. Dean wants to show them a game he plays called Human Frogger, but Renee won’t let him, despite his stellar track record.

Dean: “I’ve never been hit once.”

Everyone begins showing up in Malibu for the Rusev/Lana wedding. Lana is angry because Rusev won’t buy her that damned flower arch, but he rented himself a Lambo for the weekend. “What is a wedding groom without a gift for himself?”

In Canada, Dean is still having fun getting tore-ass drunk with the family, and Renee is bummed because he always has to be a maniac. Renee’s mom basically tells her to chill out. She thinks it was very noble for him to chase down that nefarious hat thief, and she couldn’t ask for a better guy.

Back in Malibu, Lana reveals she and Rusev keep butting heads over stuff like which ceremony will have the wedding license, and whether she’s taking his last name. She wonders why the man doesn’t take the wife’s last name. Amen, sister.

In Toronto, Renee spirits Dean away upstairs for apologies and back scratches. He accepts both. Then he German suplexes her onto the bed.

They have a lovely Renee’s birthday celebration with the family, where Dean teaches her how to nunchuks.

And it’s off to Malibu to be with the others! A lovely beach wedding! Everyone hangs out the night before, and Daniel Bryan is adamant that Lana and Rusev shouldn’t spend the night before their wedding together. SHUT UP, BRYAN. Dean tells Lana and Rusev not to worry, because if they screw up tomorrow, they get to try it again in two weeks at the Bulgarian ceremony.

The day of, Lana gets a lovely package and wonderful card from Miz and Maryse that has some decorative elephants for their house. All it does is remind Lana that she was prepared to get ELEPHANTS for Rusev and he can’t get her a freaking flower arch? THE NERVE.

The big wedding times arrive, and oh what a shock, the exact flower arch she wanted is there. Weird! It turns out Rusev does actually care about his wife-to-be.

If you were worried that Handsome Rusev’s wedding vows weren’t going to be the BEST EVER, don’t fear. They are the best. Lana, meanwhile, evokes I Corinthians. Siiiiigggghhhhhh. Lana reveals she’s taking Rusev’s last name, because she loves him so much and it’s what he wants. They kiss, and just like that, they’re married! Well, after Lana’s PREACHER DAD has trouble with Rusev’s last name.

Oh, hey, Lana wasn’t kidding about the carnival circus wedding.

Some slight disparity between the ceremony and the reception. There is a fake elephant, as you can see. It even fooled The Miz at first.

What else does the reception have? Clowns that aren’t creepy at all.

And if you were worried you wouldn’t know it was a circus theme, don’t fret: it is helpfully labeled.

Because he’s a genius as well as handsome, Rusev takes his shirt off before the cake stuff.

Later, Nikki gets mega pissed off when she checks her phone and receives “the worst email ever.” Said email tells her that she can’t be part of the draft, even though she was cleared to wrestle. I mean … I can think of worse emails to get. Bryan asks her if she’d REALLY want to get in the ring right now, let alone immediately start working a full-time schedule.

Yeah.

Everyone dances the night away, and Lana is so happy to be Mrs. Barnyashev.

And suddenly, the WWE Draft is upon us! We’re almost caught up to six months go, everyone! Everyone is very nervous and gathered backstage to learn their fates. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN.

And we’re out! Next time, on the second half of the season, Naomi feels the glow, Eva Marie comes back (for a while at least), and Nikki starts her comeback, as Paige gets more bad news. Also, something about a baby or something.