not a league for panty-wastes and sissies!
Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: We began an ill-advised look back at the weekend morning jobber slaughterhouse that caused a lot of people to become fans, and to have very low expectations. Also, Ric Flair invented photoshop, the true parentage of the Road Dogg was revealed, and The Ultimate Warrior hugged a bunch of children.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for April 25, 1992.
Shitty Intro Of The Week
This week WWF Superstars comes to us from Kalamazoo, Michigan, the proud home of Kaopectate, the nation’s number one anti-diarrheal and upset stomach reliever before Pepto-Bismol showed up looking and tasting like Lickitung squirts and cornered the market. I bring this up because Superstars devotes the entire opening monologue to diarrhea puns.
I can’t top it, so here it is, word-for-turd:
“Coming to you this week from Kalamazoo, Michigan, the home of Kaopectate! It’s WWF Superstars! Welcome everyone, I’m Vince McMahon, and if things seem to be a little irregular this week, it’s only because my broadcast partner Mr. Perfect had to go … to the ring, that is, to be in Ric Flair’s corner. And on the subject of Ric Flair, some have said he’s a little stuck up these days. Some have even questioned his moral fiber. But there’s no questioning the fact that until this past WrestleMania, Ric Flair found nothing but easy going here in the WWF, that is. Until he learned that you can run, but you can’t hide from the Macho Man Randy Savage. Can Ric Flair get back on track? Maybe yes, maybe no.”
That last bit might’ve been a play on “Beano.”
Limousines and jets are his preferred commode of transportation! Maybe he should stop going to so many Hollywood potties and make them his number two priority! Pretty soon we’ll be able to refer to him as a big john stud!
As a fun note, this had to be the most confusing segment in the world for the WWE Network transcription interns to closed caption, as they’ve never heard of Kaopectate and refer to hit as “KO pack tape.” It’s diarrhea medicine, not what Kevin Owens uses to close cardboard boxes when he’s moving.
Jobbers Of The Week
Flair really logs some hours in the ring this week thanks to competition from Ron Cumberledge, who is my favorite character from Veggie Tales and, unless I’m doubting Kurt Angle’s commitment to bad decision making, is Jason Jordan’s actual kayfabe biological father. Look at him. Cumberledge was the big dog at Great Lakes Wrestling back in the ’90s and got multiple TV matches against Flair on shows like these, probably because he looks like he’s worked out before, which puts him ahead of 90% of the bread line on Superstars.
If Cumberledge had started wrestling in 2008 instead of 1988, he’d be the less popular guy in a mid-card NXT tag team that has a great look, but can’t seem to win the big one. Flair makes quick work of him here, not even giving him the courtesy offense he’d give much worse-looking dudes on WCW Saturday Night.
Challenging Davey Boy Smith this week is none other than child-killing janitor turned burnt dream-murderer Kevin Kruger. His nickname is “God’s gift to women,” which he shows by smoothing out his eyebrows during his introduction. Amazingly, Kruger would remain on enhancement talent duty deep into the 2000s, where he’d occasionally pop up to lose to Sean O’Haire on Velocity or challenge Jerry Lynn for the Light Heavyweight Championship.
FYI this is during that period when the British Bulldog had long braids in his hair and was so putridly muscular that it looked like somebody had bombarded Kofi Kingston with gamma radiation. Bulldog has so many muscles here he’s got the WBF All-Stars staging an intervention. If he sat down to take a shit his skin would rip apart at the butthole and he’d just completely fall apart. A week later somebody would find a bone-dry skeleton in a sparkly cape on his toilet.
Speaking of toilets, please consider Kaopectate® brand anti-diarrheal medicine! It’s got the Kaopectaste™ kids love!
Freedom isn’t free and neither is a membership to Planet Fitness, as 90s stand-up comedian Mike Freedom teams up with the poorest man in the world’s Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts, Eric Collins, to take on the Beverly Brothers.
Regular readers of the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro may know the Beverly Brothers as “The Mauler” Mike Enos and Wayne “In” Bloom, the go-to enhancement talent when The Barbarian is getting a push. The Beverlys are a still pretty confusing gimmick where two guys who don’t look related in the slightest who are supposed to be flamboyant, spoiled brats, but just look like Vince McMahon put purple pants on two of his friends from the gym. They’re managed by The Genius, who claims to be the World’s Smartest Man despite the fact that he’s clearly just come from his high school graduation.
If Eric Collins’ look didn’t make you laugh in the previous image, please enjoy him going Full Mater when the Beverly Brothers paint all over him to prove that the Road Warriors are “sissies.”
The Bevs win with their tandem flapjack, the “Shaker Heights Spike,” but they’re still several months away from committing actual murder on Sunday morning television.
George Anderson, seen here looking like John Wayne Bobbitt dressed up as a baked potato for Halloween, faces The Sexy Man Himself Shawn Michaels. I was going to give him a pass for buying a ring jacket and actually trying to look like a wrestler, but then I saw that he wrestles the match in a Baywatch women’s lifeguard swimsuit and had to take it back.
I’d make more jokes here but Shawn ends the match by Ballsplexing him to his fucking doom, and I don’t like to speak ill of the dead.
Hey, it’s a FAMOUS jobber!
Recently reformed treasonous turncoat Sgt. Slaughter takes on legendary jobsman The Brooklyn Brawler Steve Lombardi. If you’re confused by the gimmick, he’s from Brooklyn, and he’s known for brawling. Brawler was employed in WWE in one form or another for a spectacular 33-straight years, working from 1983 until his release in 2016. To date, he’s the only man in the history of the business so bad at winning wrestling matches he got his own Rolling Stone profile. If there’s a Mt. Rushmore of WWE enhancement talent, it’s gotta be the Brawler, Barry Horowitz, Iron Mike Sharpe, and then the Brawler again.
Sarge wins, of course, despite being well beyond G.I. Joe membership qualifications. Maybe the Action Force is hiring?
Topping this week’s charts are Tom Stone and Kent Carlson, who look like any two random dads that got dragged to a New Kids on the Block concert. Where’d they buy their gear? They’re like Burlington Coat Factory, the tag team.
Anyway, Carlson and Stone get turned into a Carlstone Creamery by the Natural Disasters, who finish them off with their signature move, the “running jumping dick to my partner’s back.”
Kent’s getting in a good nap back there, as at least he’s finally away from his nagging wife. They should call that move the California Earthquake, by the way, because yeah, it’s happening, but the impact doesn’t even wake you up. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, Quake finishes off his opponent with the closest thing you’ll see to actual tea-bagging in a wrestling match.
Knockouts Division Cameo Of The Week
Looking to top the time Charlotte Flair appeared on Nitro for most random relevant wrestling child to show up in kid form on 1990s television is future Impact Wrestling performer and bootleg Jessica Simpson Brooke Hogan, seen here accompanying her parents to a “WrestleMania reception.” I can’t hear what Hogan’s saying at the reception, but I’m sure it’s some of his classic good advice for his daughter.
Delusions Of Grandeur Of The Week
In second place we have the Repo Man, who believes he can help the failing economy recover if he [checks notes] steals everything from everyone and makes himself rich. Every week this guy gets more and more confused about what a repossession agent does. Does he think repo men keep everything they repossess? If someone buys something they can’t pay for, the first person who steals it from them gets to keep it? Brother Repo understands as much about the national economy as he does not getting run over by cars.
What could be more delusional than the Repo Man thinking the ability to take a shit in the back of an abandoned Toyota Tercel makes him Jeff Bezos? How about the Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich announcing that he is literally made of dreams.
Yeah man, and Jim Powers is made out of a healthy diet and a good night’s sleep.
Realistic Expectations Of The Week
Kerry Von Erich might be one of the Endless and Repo Man’s gonna get rich by stealing stuff from poor people, but at least Crush has realistic expectations for his career. Here he is cutting a promo while sitting in a literal pile of garbage.
Even his flashback origin scene is hilarious this week, as he refuses to eat a plate of cookies before “crushing” a carton of milk. Except he’s not really crushing anything, he’s just spilling milk everywhere. He challenges you to imagine what he can do now that he’s FOOL GROWN, which suggests that he knows we can see into his head and view his memories. Have … have we been in the Goodneighbor Memory Den all along?
Spankbank Of The Week
Please enjoy WBF Body Stars Magazine, which is 100% about health and fitness and not a thing you can read at the grocery store that lets you look at burnt-sienna dicks stuffed into little blue pouches. Inside: 127 ways to not be embarrassed while buying the latest issues of DEN!
Extreme Closeup Of The Week
Sid Justice responds to the Ultimate Warrior’s promo by … well, I’m not sure, because he’s covered in cocaine sweats and screaming at me while the camera’s like an inch from his face, and I’m terrified. Sid is what would’ve happened if Don Sutton was seven feet tall, had a WBF Body Star body, and was forever pissed off at you for pushing him into a swimming pool.
In second place is Skinner, the World Wrestling Federation’s great idea to mash up Crocodile Dundee and Stan Hansen. I don’t know what Skinner’s talking about here because his mouth straight-up looks like a dirty asshole. KO Pack Tape should’ve sponsored him.
Fun fact: if you like Skinner’s hat, you can make your own by giving your local trapper one perfect snake skin and one perfect sheep hide.
Fan Haircut Of The Week
This kid’s speed lines are so fast I almost fell out of my chair trying to screencap them. Also, what’s the chance this kid has called his mom a bitch to her face, and is it 100%?
Attempted Stabbing Of The Week
“The man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. If you would take a man’s life, you owe it to him to look into his eyes and hear his final words. And if you cannot bear to do that, then perhaps the man does not deserve to die.” – Lord Eddard Stark
This week’s main event and actual WWF wrestling match pits confused Viking The Berserker against The Undertaker, an enormous dead body possessed by powerful dark blood magic and forced to be a funeral parlor owner’s assistant and bodyguard. Honestly they’ve never really done a good job of explaining him. His brother’s a fire demon, he murdered his entire family in a house fire, and eventually he decides he’d rather ride motorcycles and listen to nu metal than do any of this.
Anyway, the match ends as soon as it begins when the Berserker uses Shield Bash and tries to stab the Undertaker to death with a sword.
When that doesn’t work, Berserker piledrives Undertaker onto exposed concrete. In the pro wrestling world, that’s a pretty logical backup plan to murder by stabbing. He doesn’t remember that Undertaker’s familiar Paul Bearer can restore 100% of Undertaker’s HP by waving an urn in front of him, and runs away when Taker recovers. Shit, can you blame him? Next time he should try killing Undertaker with a seraph blade, as it is powerful against demons. Or, you know, try a headlock takeover.
Next Week Of The Week
Next week on the best wrestling show any of us have ever seen:
- Ultimate Warrior proves that sheering don’t make the world work when he battles Skinner
- The Model commits an atrocity against the Native American people
- an update on the whole “attempted murder” thing we just watched
- a Virgil promo you ARE gonna wanna miss!
And more! See you next week. Until then, make sure your local sanitation organization is handing in the proper zoning permits and doesn’t accidentally take a dump!
