The Steam Workshop is a glorious corner of the PC gaming universe. For Civilization V fans, it offers limitless customization to a game that can already be played forever. With a click of a button, user-created mods can be installed into Civ V, adding new leaders and civilizations — from the Seven Kingdoms featured in Game of Thrones to Bioshock’s Rapture. There are mods so sophisticated they’ll allow you to tailor your game to your exact liking, whether you’re just looking to take one more turn or make the entire world great again with the help of Donald Trump.
Last year, Civ 5 modders SeaKraken and Ballistic decided that America and the whole world in Civilization V just wasn’t great. In earnest, they decided to make it great again. In the Donald Trump’s America mod, Donald Trump is a businessman, reality show host, and possible soon-to-be ruler of the free world.
But who would be brave enough to rule America as Trump? Who could pick up his orange tanner and expertly coif the hair of the soul in order to simulate Earth under the rule of The Donald? Me.
I would become Trump.
I would embody Donald and his nonsensical, fly-by-night policies. I would build America’s “Great Great Wall.” I would stand up to other cultures and denounce them if they seemed strange, or different. I would read his speeches, and pore over transcriptions of interviews. I would seek out Trump supporters and immerse myself in their universe. Yes, this would weigh heavy on me, like Frodo wearing the ring, but this was in the name of video game journalism. I would also want for a Civ V Twitter mod, so I could tweet mean things at my rivals and chalk it up as neo-diplomacy.
I installed the mod and settled on the following 11 rival leaders in this game of world domination. Each leader represents their country, and they all have some sort of meaning in my Trumpian Dystopia.
Trump — (America (Great Again)).
George Washington — America (representing America’s pansy liberal pushback).
Catherine — the leader of Russia (Because Russia).
Elizabeth — England (Always in the crosshairs of Trump).
Napoleon — France (Trump will never respect the French because they are losers).
Wu Zetian — China (China!).
Enrico Dandolo — Venice (Representing the Papal State/Pope in general.)
Bismark — Germany (Progressivism? Culture? Nature? Free college? No way. Yuge losers in WW2 and Trump doesn’t support losers.)
Harun al-Rashid — Arabia (Representing the entire Middle East.)
Gandhi — India (A yuge nation that’s keeping America from being great again.)
Alexander — Greece (See what happens, socialists? They’re losers in real life, now I’m going to make them losers in Civ 5.)
Pacal — Maya (Mexico. My greatest rival aside from China. China!)
Since Civ V starts the player at random locations on the earth map, it means my Great Great Wall of America may not necessarily keep out Mexico, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t build it. I don’t need immigrants of any kind coming into my territory. Viva la Trump! And never mind if that’s in Spanish…
We begin at the dawn of recorded history.
4000 BC. Trump City is founded somewhere in what looks to be the cold north of Siberia. You may think it’s garbage real estate, but I’ll take the random roll and make it great, you’ll see. There’s snow everywhere, but I’ll make it golden because I am Trump. I start producing workers who will be paid low, but fair wages (they make what they’re worth) while making the best granaries and farms this nation has ever seen.
3800 BC. In Civ V, you accrue culture points allow you to select policies, which are bonuses for your civilization. They’re great, and they’re even better for me since I spread my culture far and wide quickly. You know, like a great leader such as myself would. I take Liberty, which gives me my first Golden Age, which is an appropriate color. If it was a silver or bronze age, I would’ve made some calls to get it changed.
According to the mod, when you enter a Golden Age, Trump City gets a free outsourced worker and the Golden Age lasts FOREVER. It’s great. Business is booming and everyone loves it. Everyone loves me. But with all business, there’s a give and take. Believe me, we won the deal, but the Golden Age increases my population unhappiness by 100%. This probably has to do with the crooked government, but my popularity won’t suffer. The citizens, you know, are gonna have to deal with this. It’s fine. We’re making money and I’ve got a plan. Someone call The Tonight Show for a booking. Where’s my taco bowl lunch?
So I talked to some of my people and we know happiness is definitely an issue and I have some ideas on how to change that. Proposals, really. If I build the Great Great Wall of America for the American people, so much will change. It will be so good. Building the Great Great Wall of America will be great for everyone.
2950 BC. Over the next few turns, I generate military units. I love the military, and I want to have the strongest military that we’ve ever had, and we need it more now than ever. Why? Because I want it, and my citizens want it too. Who’s going to guard the wall? I’m a job creator.
2700 BC. Barbarians attack me. They’re idiots. They don’t know business. They’re fired. In this case, of course, being fired results in massive casualties for their forces.
2620 BC. I build some new real estate — Trump Town. It’ll be as big as Trump City, but a little bit southeast. It’s going to be beautiful, I can’t wait for you to see it. Seriously. Great property. The best. We’re doing great things.
2340 BC. Trump Town and Trump City are THRIVING, baby. They are great, great cities. I don’t even know what the rest of the world is doing. I can’t see them and I don’t care. Does it even matter? Once they meet me, they’ll be so impressed. They’ll probably abandon their cities to live in my highrises.
2100 BC. I’m all alone except for these barbarian rapists. Barbarians don’t bring their best people. I fight them off and build another granary.
2000 BC. Orleans is built next to Trump Town like they couldn’t feel the golden glow emanating from my territory. Their leader is some short guy named Napoleon. He’s from France. I’m much taller than him, and my hands are way bigger than his. My hands are great, if you didn’t know. Everyone loves them. After we introduce each other, I get down to business. I demand 6 gold per turn and wine. They turn me down. Not good. I’m a much, much better negotiator than this guy. He doesn’t know the art of the deal, I wrote the book on the art of the deal. It’s called The Art of the Deal.
Now, you would think Napoleon would want to put its little hand in mine and do some business, but they say, “no” to everything I offer. I even ask Napoleon if he’ll be my friend and he says, “no.” So I tell him that he’s not allowed to settle any cities near my stuff because that’s my stuff and he’s not allowed near my stuff.
Then I denounce France for all the world to see.
The city-state Zurich, who settled near us, is impressed, I’m sure. And you know what? France’s wine sucks anyway. I’ll get it from someone else cheaper and BETTER. I make deals. Good deals. Unlike Napoleon.
1950 BC. Pffft. France just told the world they’re protecting Zurich. If anyone’s going to protect Zurich, it’s going to be me. C’mon. I pledge to protect Zurich then start research on ironworks to make our great military an even greater military. Can we all agree that this is just great?
1800 BC. I see there are options to build some libraries, but space used for a library is space not used for luxury real estate. Sad! I’ll build some caravans and get to trading. For now, I’ll found a Pantheon that’s called “God-King.” I’m not sure what it does, but it sounds good. Like TRUMP.
1720 BC. I found my third city, Trumpville, right next to the Grand Mesa, a very important Wonder. Prime real estate. I’m just building my first monument when Napoleon shows back up to tell me that they don’t want me settling any new Trump cities near them. I believe they are very, very weak, so I tell them not to settle any more cities near us (again!) then publicly denounce them (again!).
1600 BC. I denounce France again.
1560 BC. My army is growing so large, anyone who sees it will back down just from being impressed. Hey, France? You see these guys? Great military. Yuge. I’ve seen all of their hands and they’re great. They also like The Tonight Show. I denounce France again. They’re losers.
1540 BC. Napoleon thinks me speaking the truth is a “big mistake” and the incident will “not be forgotten.” Good. I hope you remember about how great I am. Denounced!
1500 BC. I’m no closer to building the wall than I was a thousand years ago. I blame France for the distraction, so I denounce them again. I think Zurich likes it. I think Zurich loves it.
1400 BC. French people are crossing our borders so I denounce France again. Why are they here? Hey, Frenchie? Trump Tower makes better French Fries than you people. We serve better wine, too!
1380 BC. I denounce France.
1360 BC. I denounce France.
1300 BC. I denounce France.
Civilization V crashes.
After many tries, the game won’t load. Being Trump broke the game. I am no longer Trump.
Thankfully, my mind is spared, but the world with a golden mark left by Trump is effectively no longer. With only one country to deal with, he somehow tore down thousands of years of diplomacy to the point where a Trump mod couldn’t even handle Trump.
Going full Trump brought about the apocalypse of Civilization V.