Whoa, hey, E3 is like, next week guys, which means I need to start making some predictions. My “guy who makes money writing things about video games” card would be revoked if I didn’t. So here they are, my E3 predictions — we’ll go company by company, and in each case I’ll start with the most likely rumors and work my way up to some more out-there predictions.
Today we cover Nintendo and Microsoft…
In a major surprise, Nintendo will reveal the WiiU controller is actually two-and-a-half Reggies tall, and weighs over 400 pounds.
Nintendo
– Nintendo finally tells us how powerful the WiiU is going to be, but not how much it will cost or exactly when it’s coming out.
– The WiiU’s controller will have some sort of wacky ability nobody in a thousand years would ever ask for. Like maybe you can use it as a fax machine or, I dunno, it will have little legs you can flip down so you can use it as a miniature table. Nintendo will dramatically announce this ability, then never mention it again.
– Mario and minigames available for launch!
– Redheaded stepchild series like Star Fox and Pikmin will be available at launch, not because Nintendo really cares about them, but because they look good in HD.
– Nintendo reps will talk enthusiastically about third party support as Ubisoft literally backs a dump truck into the auditorium and unloads a ton of medical waste (and, to be fair, a new Rayman sequel) onto the stage.
– Nintendo will embrace Pong-era technology and reveal the WiiU can support two controllers.
– A new redesign of the 3DS will be announced. It won’t have a 2nd slide pad or better screens, but it will have e-Reader and Gameboy Camera support.
– Epic five-minute Zelda trailer reduces the audience to a shuddering blubbering mass. Miyamoto then comes on stage, reveals that they just made that for s–ts and giggles and that the next Zelda game is actually The Legend of Zelda: Epic Yarn. The hippest five percent of the room cries even harder while the rest set fire to the stage.
– Exploratory research is being made into playing games over something called “The Internet”.
– Reggie Fils-Aime rushes the stage, double clotheslines Miyamoto and Iwata into the audience, immediately crowns himself King of Nintendo and decrees that nothing but Mario and Pokemon games will be released from that day forward.
– Nintendo apologizes to that one really angry guy you see in every Nintendo-related message board thread or comments section for creating motion controls, and sinks all the money they made from them into developing a really super rad 2D Metroid game. Angry guy literally explodes in ecstasy and Nintendo promptly cancels the 2D Metroid game.
They’ve fallen just short in the past, but this year Microsoft hopes to set the Guinness world record for ugliest stage design.
Microsoft
– Halo, Gears of War and Fable are getting sequels, because of course they are.
– In fact, forget sequels — new trilogies all around! No, wait, quadrilogies! No no, quintologies!
– Some new social media thing is available on the Xbox dashboard. Maybe, uh, I dunno…Pinterest?
– Kinect everything! There’s no game that can’t be improved by standing in one spot and waving your arms around.
– Rare revives a beloved franchise in a way nobody wants to see. Get ready for Kinect-controlled match-three puzzle game, Battletoads Block Bashers this holiday!
– Microsoft will now give you an Xbox 360 for free if you cross-your-heart promise to use Internet Explorer 9.
– Xbox 360 Avatars will finally be changed so they don’t stand with one leg pointing forward like complete douchebags anymore.
– Microsoft will tease the Xbox 720. Peter Molyneux, distraught at not being the star of the Microsoft press conference for the first time in a decade, runs on stage and claims the 720 will be able to harness the life force of the universe to deliver pure happiness rays to your brain’s Q-zone. “Milo is real! Milo is reeeeaaal!” he’ll scream as he’s dragged from the stage.
– Microsoft boldly enters the handheld gaming market with what appears to be two Zunes taped together.
– Microsoft finally admits the neon green is kind of tacky and commits to subtle earth tones for the Xbox 720 branding.
Tomorrow I’ll make more very serious predictions for Sony and some of the more significant 3rd party publishers. Get excited.