Yesterday I put on my games journalism hat, tapped into my deep well of inside sources and rocked the industry with my E3 predictions for Nintendo and Microsoft, and I’m not done yet. As before, we’ll go company by company, starting with the most likely rumors and working our way up to some more out-there predictions.
Today we cover Sony, EA and Activision…
Psst, hey…that Vita might look more impressive if you turned it on.
Sony
– There won’t be any talk of the Playstation 4. Sony told you the PS3 was going to have a 10-year lifecycle and Sony would never lie to you.
– Every franchise Sony’s got is going to be on the Vita! Because console-style games on a portable — that always works!
– Cross-play between the Vita and PS3 will also be a big focus, because again, console-handheld connectivity is a proven great concept.
– Finally, Sony’s ace in the hole — new skins that make the Vita look like an extra large, extra heavy, extra fragile iPhone.
– As a compliment to LittleBigPlanet Karting and Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale, Sony will unveil Infamous Super Tennis, Golf of War and Paper Killzone.
– The Last Guardian? Huh? What’s that?
– Quantic Dream will unveil its new game. Spoilers — murder solving and tits will be featured.
– Ken Kutaragi rushes onstage, and claims to have already built the Playstation 5 in his garage out of his recycling and radioactive nanomaterials given to him by aliens. “The Matrix is real! I made it! The Matrix is reeeeaaal!” he’ll scream as he’s dragged from the stage and dumped in the same holding cell as Peter Molyneux.
– Hackers will somehow infiltrate every single aspect of Sony’s press conference. The presentation will grind to a halt as Kaz Hirai is carried backstage to have his brain reformatted.
– After over five years Sony will finally show everyone the secret button that activates the Playstation 3’s grilling capabilities and toast up some delicious grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches for everyone in attendance (vegetarian and kosher options available).
Many Madden fans were disappointed that Madden 12 only had these three players in it. Word is Madden 13 will up it to four.
EA
– EA announces a richly varied non-sports line up including such games as Medal of Honor: Warfighter, Battlefield 4, Battle of Honor: Warfield, Field of Battle: Honorfighter, Medal of Battle: Honorfield and Dead Space 3.
– Everybody on stage unexpectedly starts speaking Dutch, and continue to do so for the next 15-minutes as they detail EA’s hot new sports franchise, IKF World Championship Korfball.
– EA announces that they’re ending their exclusive deal with the NFL, because they believe competition will only make the Madden series stronger. EA’s stock immediately loses 95% of its value and Peter Moore commits seppuku on stage.
– Panicked by the sight of Peter Moore’s entrails, somebody on stage blurts out “It’s okay! Everything’s going to be okay! We’re bringing back Mutant League Football!” The video game nerds in attendance cheer — meanwhile a janitor hangs an “Out of Business” sign on the front door of EA’s headquarters.
Here’s a picture of Vanessa Hudgens in front of some Activision logos. Will she stand in front of some more Activision logos this year? Time will tell.
Activison Blizzard
– Nobody from Blizzard and Bungie will be presenting, because f–k you. Activision Blizzard doesn’t have to impress you.
– Tony Hawk rides in on a skateboard, loses control on the slippery stage and breaks his hip. Somewhere in the audience his grandchildren are so totally mortified.
– Starting immediately you will have to pay a monthly fee, buy various overpriced collectible figurines and offer regular modest blood sacrifices in order to play Activision games.
– In accordance with Activision custom, effigies of Jason West and Vince Zampella will be burned.
– Activision will announce World of Call of Duty. The last 10-minutes of Activision’s press conference will just be Bobby Kotick frantically masturbating on stage as Flight of the Valkyries plays.
So there you have ’em, my predictions for E3 2012. We’ll be covering all the big press conferences next week, so we’ll see if I was a prognosticator or fool. How ’bout you folks? What do you think’s going down next week? Hit the comments section and let the world know.