Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling — that’s what this is, it probably won’t change again — coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.
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Previously: Five different locations, zero sense of brand identity. Impact Wrestling in a nutshell.
Go Home, Roger
This Sunday is Impact Wrestling’s Bound For Glory pay-per-view, as well as the official beginning of the company’s latest identity change: a Very Canadian wrestling promotion.
This week’s show has a lot of video packages, but as the go-home show for a pay-per-view — and you know, its biggest pay-per-view even — the video packages are relevant, required, and even kind of welcome. Of course, as we know Impact Wrestling has a finite amount of footage, these video packages do quickly get quite repetitive and start reusing footage — and I’m talking specifically about the footage where they sit and talk in those weird Global Chamber Rooms — we’ve already seen in the episode and these past few months. And looking at the YouTube page, it appears a lot of this episode’s video packages for individual feuds are just multiple video packages strung together. That’s very clear with the American Top Team stuff.
The opening video package ends with the words: “THIS IS MORE THAN WRESTLING THIS IS EVERYTHING” They must’ve forgotten to add Wrestling Matters Here, but I’ve already been through all that before. So that’s how we begin the episode, and with that, the tone (which involves Josh Mathews and Jeremy Borash repeatedly saying Bound For Glory is just “hours” away instead of “days”) has been set.
ACE: It Must Be (Demon) Bunnies
After last week’s “already in progress” clip show soup approach to professional wrestling, this week’s episode of Impact is better about making sure the matches in their partner promotions are more relevant (even if there are only two) and actually presenting the full matches. In this Knockouts tag team match, Rosemary even gets her own entrance; and since the match happens right after the hype video package for the Rosemary/Taya match at Bound For Glory, it makes sense. Crazy, I know.
This match itself is fine — I know, I know, I say that pretty much every week — and I suppose it works as an introduction for KC Spinelli if she’s going to be a Knockout (thanks to our Canadian wrestling overlords) moving forward. Plus, you can’t go wrong with the Allie/Rosemary Demon Bunny pairing, and the pride Rosemary has for Allie winning the match is a beautiful thing. Structurally speaking, Rosemary’s in the match for a long time, but they strangely don’t play up the face in peril story all that much (even with the eventual hot tag). In fact, all her time in the match is pretty back and forth whether she’s wrestling Sienna or KC. Still, like I said: The match is fine. Oh and Sienna flips Allie off with her pinkies in this match. That’s more than fine.
EH: I Know They Don’t Care, But …
It would have helped if Impact Wrestling had included a pre-match segment or promo explaining the partnership between Sienna and KC, other than just “we have to have matches with these people because partner promtions.” Because a match with three established Knockouts and a rando (when it should logically be Taya) is just another dud moment, especially when you factor in Josh Mathews’ explanation for it (see the next EH).
This match also sticks out as a reminder that Border City Wrestling is an independent promotion and definitely not a television promotion. Part of that is the simple point that KC Spinelli doesn’t know how to wrestle for a television audience, and since this particular taping is from an independent show (from the BCW Excellence card Scott D’Amore talks about in Global Forged) that just so happens to end up on a television show, she wrestles as such. Even though this match was also specifically booked to end up on a television show. Like most things Impact Wrestling, it’s not the talent’s fault. It’s not as though BCW’s lighting or camera work (which is often far away from the action) is Ready For Primetime either.
In theory, these partnerships with a more mainstream promotion (Impact on Pop would be the mainstream part of this equation, surprisingly) should lead to an upgrade in production value and presentation quality, a windfall of sorts. But, you know. It’s Impact Wrestling.
EH: Shut Up, Josh
I’m just going to compile it all here to make it easier:
- During the Knockouts’ tag match, Josh tries to explain KC Spinelli’s whole deal by saying she’s “a lot of fun” and “high energy.” Then he says he thinks that makes her a good fit for Sienna, for some reason. Sienna doesn’t actively disdain KC, but there is nothing in this match that suggests the good fit designation (and the match centers on their miscommunications vs. Allie/Rosemary’s perfect team timing). The same goes for her supposedly being fun and high energy. Now’s not the time to drop the “FOOTAGE NOT FOUND” image, so just imagine it.
- In hyping this week’s X-Division match, he says it’s going to be “an all-out war.” Yes, the match that is literally just a non-title version of the Bound For Glory match (more on that when we get there) is going to be “an all-out war.”
- Neither he or JB seems to know that Japanese wrestlers have full names, not just last names.
- “This has been a great display of strong style wrestling that you’re only going to get here from Impact.” Or you know, Japanese wrestling like Pro Wrestling NOAH directly. Without having to listen to Josh’s commentary or sitting through as much filler.
- His obsession with Colby Covington, when there are plenty of other MMA guys who are actually wrestling in Impact Wrestling to stan.
- Josh, a “twisting corkscrew” move is literally just a “corkscrew” move. The twisting is its existence.
- “Well they brought them nachos and guacamole. That’s not … too stereotypical.” Then, like most things — because this is not a commentary team where they converse, they just say individual things next to each other — JB ignores Josh’s comment and moves on. But Josh doesn’t move on. “I’m surprised that the Defiant One didn’t show up with a bottle of tequila, for his friends in LAX.”
- Josh Mathews’ adamance that oVe don’t have friends, despite X-Division star Dezmond Xavier (who Josh keeps saying is his favorite to win the X-Division title) canonically being very close friends with them. It’s one of the few things we actually know about the oVe characters.
- Once Eli Drake goes crazy at the end of the show, Josh talks about that nonsensical plot point of Eli not answering calls for marketing and media for the company. Only, during Eli Drake’s entrance, Josh even mentions the guy being a part of the Impact Pizza unveiling. Like, he is the person who says both of these things, within the context of the same match/segment.
EH: The 100 Years War
It’s rather fitting that the full Bound For Glory hype video package lasts approximately 100 years, as that’s also how long this American Top Team storyline has been going on.
From last week’s recap:
You also have Stephan Bonnar’s approach to King Mo, which is reminding us that MMA is all that matters (because pro wrestling is fake): “King Mo is trying to steal some of my glory. Trying to steal some of my limelight. I’m the main event fighter. He’s the undercard bum.” I suppose it’s so nice of Bonnar to add a completely new plot point and motivation to this mess of a story the week before the pay-per-view. Really, I think they let him watch the video packages for this story and he just tried to figure it all out like the rest of us.
This episode’s ATT video package begins with new footage — footage that probably should’ve been used earlier — of Stephan Bonnar on The MMA Hour back in August. There is where we get the explanation for that particular Bonnar/King Mo plot point, as they discussed Bonnar “considering coming out of retirement to fight King Mo.” As for the King Mo parts of the video package, most of it is all a repeat of segments we’ve seen. But now he loses the goodwill he’d previously gained from his “Bullwinkle” barb for Moose by calling Stephan Bonnar “Stephanie.” You know. Like a girl.
There’s also a lot of talk from the MMA guys — which includes an appearance by Filthy Tom Lawlor, which is an MMA name I have heard — about “the cage” and the advantages American Top Team will have over Moose … as though Six Sides of Steel is anywhere as large as an MMA cage or cage matches aren’t an inherent part of professional wrestling. But as you know, this feud is all about effectively calling professional wrestling dumb on a dumb professional wrestling show.
And I keep talking about this, but it’s because it’s so frustratingly apparently: Lashley is not a real factor in this feud. He is literally the fifth most important person in this storyline. Actually sixth because Colby Covington. (By the way, I’ll give an ACE to Colby Covington for the line “we’re gonna take their souls.” EH for the fact that Impact Wrestling very obviously wants Colby Covington to be the one teaming up with Lashley — King Mo hasn’t even shown up at the Impact Zone in all these segments with American Tag Team — but there was no way he’d do it.) In this never-ending video package, Lashley only says his piece once; and it’s footage from one of the generic “What does Bound For Glory mean to you?” packages. “Bound For Glory is one night where wrestling is going to be taken to a whole ‘nother level.” The other ATT segment in this week’s show just doubles down on Lashley not even having a point of view in this storyline and it’s such crap. It’s not badass, it’s not legit, it’s not impressive. I can’t believe I’m caping for Lashley so much, but again, he is the sixth most important factor in this storyline. And he’s one of only two Impact wrestlers in the storyline.
EH: The Other ATT Segment
Yes, Dan Lambert gets heat. For himself. Again, I’ve been through this. What I want to address in this segment, however, is this moment:
“We are about to expose professional wrestling for the fraud that it is. We are about to expose professional wrestlers for what they are: a bunch of low-life, loud mouth, no talent fighters who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag if their life depended on it.”
At the end of this particular line, the camera hits Lashley’s blank expression … that turns to him nodding in agreement. He literally doesn’t care about the one line he should. He’s just a personality-less cog in the ATT machine, and since Impact Wrestling only does cult storylines out of no build-up, that’s not even where they’re going with this. If the Lashley character no longer has any stake in professional wrestling whatsoever, then what is the point of this story? Where is the conflict? Moose and Bonnar will win, and they’ll prove what? That an MMA guy and a wrestling guy (who is being taught MMA stuff by said MMA guy) can beat two MMA guys who are also both kind of wrestling guys? There’s nothing in Lashley and King Mo winning, because then I guess Impact Wrestling just has to shut its doors. And while that would at least put an end to the madness, it would make this entire storyline even more of a waste of time.
ACE: You’re The Real Bullwinkle Now, Moose
The Moose chant is universal, and Moose is very athletically impressive. I mean, that’s the most important and relevant part of the match, isn’t it? Especially when Moose spends the tail end of the match on the outside — he’s not even involved in the finish, because again, these matches for Impact Wrestling aren’t exactly working in service of Impact Wrestling. He gets to shine in an exhibition match which honestly doesn’t do anything (by itself) for the ATT feud, but commentary is at least decent enough to try to frame this as possibly affecting his performance on Sunday.
EH: The Answer Is “No”
“ … action like this, we’re bringing you on the Global Wrestling Network app.”
Oh, so promotions like Pro Wrestling NOAH are now on the Global Wrestling Network, finally making all these incomplete matches worth it?
ACE: I’ll Be There For You
Eli Drake and Chris Adonis as culturally insensitive white boys? That’s easily the best part of this week’s Impact Wrestling episode until the close of the show. (And go figure, that’s also Eli Drake and Chris Adonis-centric. I can admit when Adonis is properly riding coattails.) The segment is so embarrassing from the moment they stroll up with Eli’s “Hola, mis amigos” but in a good way:
- Eli’s “I came prepared,” only to bust out and put on a bandana … that he also wears to the ring for the main event. (While he and Chris Adonis do LAX and “Westside” hand gestures on their way to the ring.)
- Eli discloses that he’d already been checked when Diamante frisks him, sparking the question of who runs outer clubhouse (you know, a bunch of production boxes backstage) security for LAX.
- Adonis brought “freshly-prepared guacamole”: “I thought that you might like that type of food.” It depends on where you got it. This is Orlando.
- Konnan tries to direct them to where ~people like them~ might prefer to be. You know, “vegan joints,” “tanning salons,” “TRT centers.” That last one isn’t exactly a white people thing, but he’s definitely saying something about them there, without calling them “ovary bitches,” so that’s nice. LAX also apparently has the hook-up when it comes to Bon Jovi tickets, but for some reason, neither Eli Drake nor Chris Adonis press Konnan on it.
- Eli knowing how to “play some bones” and then butchering the Spanish language with what I assume (well, what I assume he assumes) translates to “mashed potatoes with gravy.” Or “gravy train.”
And throughout all of that, Eli Drake makes clear that the main event team-up is going to be all about keeping oVe/Johnny Impact from even making it to Bound For Glory while Konnan makes clear this main event team-up isn’t going to stop LAX from going after the Global Championship once it’s done.
EH: oVg (ohio Versus geography)
(Note: This particular video package isn’t the same as the one that airs on the episode/that I’m quoting directly. With all 8 million versions of video packages they have for Bound For Glory, their YouTube has gotten absolutely abysmal about putting everything up lately.)
“This is no different than any other street fight we’ve ever been in. This is no different than being on the streets of Dayton, Cincinnati, or Columbus. Or New York. Whatever turf it is.”
Dave Crist just kept going on about Ohio cities, realized he should probably talk about other places he and his brother have fought, then panicked and said New York. I say “panicked,” because he went from Columbus to New York — they’re not exactly equals — then just stopped. Gotta get the Ohio gimmick over but can’t forget there are other turfs outside Ohio.
And despite the fact this video package does well to rehab oVe’s image — it focuses on their 15 year struggle and makes sure not to show any clips of the Crist brothers acting like 12 year olds around LAX — it undoes that when Dave busts out this line:
“A lot of people saying that maybe we’re not as good as we think we are.”
I mean …
EH: Remember When Matt Sydal Was Dead Set On Proving He Was More Than Just An X-Division Guy, Then Beat Lashley To Prove He Was The Third Best Wrestler And Technically Set Off All This ATT Crap, Then Didn’t Win The Global Championship … Which He Actually Wanted, Unlike The X-Division Championship?
“I’m at the top of every division. But the X-Division is mine.”
They sure don’t.
ACE: Adrenaline Rush, Adrenaline Rush
What’s this? An actual fast-paced X-Division match? No that can’t be right. Funny how Impact Wrestling just trips into things sometime. Luckily it makes sure to do so on the go-home show for Bound For Glory, even if it’s going to be the same match (more on that in just a moment). Really, everyone gets their shit in with this match — Petey does hit the American Destroyer, but he doesn’t get the win — and the crowd is hot. Especially for Dezmond Xavier, because he is honestly unreal in the ring. I still can’t comprehend his timing when it comes to his back handspring pele kick finisher.
Trevor Lee is also an amazing shit heel in this match, with the Cult of Lee constantly lurking and striking when they can. Imagine if he and Dezmond Xavier actually had a feud. Actually, I just want to imagine coherent storytelling post-Bound For Glory.
EH: The Old WWE Special
My apologies: Last week I wrote and was under the impression that the X-Division match at Bound For Glory would be an Ultimate X match. Unfortunately, it is not.
Instead, it’s going to be a repeat of a match we literally see on this week’s episode of Impact Wrestling, for free (just with the title actually on the line). I don’t know much, but I know that’s … Guys, that’s just stupid, right? Petey Williams is the person in the X-Division hype video who talks about how they’re “gonna change the X-Division,” even though he’s the biggest example of a guy who has his spots, perfects them, and literally never changes.
Seriously, Petey is fast and crisp and all that “YOU STILL GOT IT” jazz, but he’s the last person to listen to about changing things or to expect to be a sign that a match they did on television will be any different from the one they do on pay-per-view. So while it would still be stupid for this six-man mayhem match to exist pre-Bound For Glory even if the pay-per-view title match were going to be an Ultimate X match, as least it would be less stupid. This is literally “the old WWE Special”: hyping up wrestlers doing a match on a big show, by having wrestlers do the same match on a regular show. This match even ends with the actual verbalization of “______ has just pinned the ______ Champion.”
Also, there’s absolutely no way Trevor Lee requesting this “preview” match makes sense, no matter how many times they say it. They of course have no additional footage to show such a moment — they ran out of backstage interviews and authority figure segments to air this week — and they don’t even try to save it by having him fill his role in the match with either Caleb Konley or Andrew Everett.
EH: He Doesn’t Have The Range
As I mentioned at the end of last week’s ACES AND EHS, it’s bull (and another example of Impact Wrestling not even trying when it comes to narrative cohesion) that Garza Jr. is in this match. And in true Impact Wrestling fashion, this episode doesn’t even try to pretend that it has an actual or logical explanation for it. The match is announced, and he’s already part of it. Then in the hype video package for the title match, he then brings up the only promo talking point he has for any story Impact Wrestling plops him into: “It’s a huge opportunity. I need to take it.”
Then during the six-man mayhem match itself, while Garza Jr. gets his time to shine like everyone else, he also has a couple of moments of just looking the closest thing Garza Jr. has ever looked to being actively bad. (For a lot of the match, you can also see him just walking around outside, waiting for his spots. It’s not even an “I’m hurt” stumble. He’s just waiting for his moments. ) It’s especially noticeable when he has to take the double Slice move from Matt Sydal, where he seems to forget how to take a DDT … and the cameraperson has no idea how to avoid showing all of that and instead shows all two feet (literally) of space between his head and the mat. I can’t screencap without it blurring but go back and watch if you can.
He luckily gets back to impressing with the press slam/powerbomb he hits on Petey Williams and Dezmond Xavier, but he’s easily the weakest link in this entire match. At least the pants spot is still hot.
EH: The X-Division Looks A Little Different
I wonder if the person in charge of the Impact Wrestling website will notice this anytime soon or even at all. And yes, this is supposed to be an image for the X-Division match on this show, because the rest of the post is all about the build-up to said match. By the way, this is how the site was before the show even aired. And after it aired. And probably still now once this posts.
ACE: James Storm & EC3, Go Figure
The only thing that makes Team Impact versus Team AAA work in any capacity is James Storm and EC3. And based on the video package, they’re focusing more on the respect/trust (or lack thereof) between the two, which is literally the only thing that works here.
EH: The Rest Of It, Go Figure
Bullet points are really going to save my life with these recaps:
- James Storm is an ACE, but I still need to address this: “Why did I come out and help EC3 and Eddie? When people come into this company, and they think stuff should just be given to them and disrespect the locker room, that’s when the locker room needs to stand up together.” This means that literally only three people in the Impact Wrestling locker room care. And it’s actually two, because Eddie Edwards definitely doesn’t care.
- They don’t even sit Eddie Edwards in the Global Chamber Room to sit and talk about this feud. They really shouldn’t have blown all the standard tag team matches, because this being a six-man tag when a member for each side has no stake in this is so dumb.
- El Hijo del Fantasma trying to tell a coherent story for this incoherent feud is a valiant effort but absolutely useless. Especially since they go back to ignoring whatever issues he and Texano have in AAA and nowhere else.
- Texano, on the other hand, just didn’t get any intel at all about this feud. “They’re gonna respect AAA.” They never disrespected AAA in the first place. Well, Ec3 did, but that’s because he’s a disrespectful s.o.b. That doesn’t require battle lines to be “drawn” or whatever.
- I don’t care what Bound For Glory promises: I think I might be right that Pagano just does not exist.
There, I can’t say anymore about this storyline.
EH: lol What’s The Grand Championship?
“All the titles are on the line at Bound For Glory.”
EC3 really should just dump the Grand Championship in the trash and see if anyone in charge at Impact Wrestling even notices.
ACE: lol That Edit
“Last and certainly not least” is definitely not something you say when you have a list of only two people, but it is a sign of an edit after cutting out Gail Kim talking about Taryn Terrell. It’s a pretty decent cut though — they show a crowd shot during it — but I’ve got to call out noticeable sentence structure at a time like this.
Global Forged
We’re at the finale of Global Forged, and you can tell how impor— Come on, we literally knew nothing about any of the competitors and they act like we’re supposed to care about who wins (Hakim Zane) or who loses (Mark Wheeler). Nothing about this thing’s presentation makes any sense.
“I gotta say that Hakim Zane, since competition has started, has really made people stand up and take notice.”
I can’t keep using the “FOOTAGE NOT FOUND” image, you guys. Then Scott D’Amore (who said the above) adds, “Fans are going to be looking to see if he’s just some reality show punk.” And Hakim Zane says, “I’m not just some schmuck off the street that won a reality show.” This is barely a reality show — it’s barely a show at all — and I want to know who kept putting into their heads that it was. It’s literally just clips from a wrestling school and a connected independent wrestling promotion? I suppose the fake phone calls are the stuff of reality show, but absolutely nothing about Global Forged is going to bring out the “damn the reality show world” folks. Because no one’s going to remember Global Forged in a couple of months. Besides me, but that’s just my cross to bear.
ACE: Better Late Than Never
With the main event and post-segment, this week’s Impact Wrestling ends the road to Bound For Glory with some fire. Which is at least more fire than previously, just by virtue of being fire at all. And it’s from start to finish, as LAX and Eli Drake (and Chris Adonis) are smart enough not to wait until the bell rings to go after oVe. After all, they planned to take them out completely. And because babyfaces are dumb, of course Eli Drake is able to sneak attack Johnny Impact at the top of the ramp, since it takes Johnny almost as long as all those ATT video packages to come out and try to save his partners. He even tries to do it with a full-ish entrance, which is very Johnny but also dumb, as mentioned. It’s great.
The match ends anticlimactically with that roll-up finish, but the immediate reaction — Santana being so enraged he kicks the hell out of Johnny — leading into the post-match beatdown saves it. As does the beatdown, which continues post-Impact for the tag team competitors:
As for the continued in-ring post-match stuff, it’s exactly what this show needs going into Bound For Glory. Even Josh Mathews’ “I can’t defend this” is good, because Eli Drake … absolutely snaps. (I’ll also note that Eli does actually try to avoid Johnny Impact in this week’s match, so the flipping of the switch is a shock.) This segment also allowed me to write “Eli stomps right on Johnny’s dick” in my notes, so that’s great too.
Exposing turnbuckles is a jerk move. But exposing the actual wood of the wrestling ring — and executing your finisher on your opponent on it — is just brutal.
And with that, we’re officially out of the GFW era and identity of Impact Wrestling. Canada, here we come.
A Reminder: The Final Bound For Glory Card
- Eli Drake (c) vs. Johnny Impact, for the Impact Global Championship
- Moose and Stephan Bonnar vs. Lashley and King Mo, in Six Sides of Steel
- oVe (c) (with Sami Callihan) vs. LAX, in a 5150 Street Fight for the Impact World Tag Team Championship
- Rosemary vs. Taya Valkyrie, in a Red Wedding (First Blood) match
- Abyss vs. Grado, in a Monster’s Ball match for Grado’s citizenship
- Team Impact (EC3, James Storm, & Eddie Edwards) vs. Team AAA (El Hijo del Fantasma, Texano, & Pagano)
- Sienna (c) vs. Allie vs. Gail Kim, for the Impact Knockouts Championship
- Trevor Lee (c) vs. Garza Jr. vs. Dezmond Xavier vs. Matt Sydal vs. Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt, for the X-Division Championship
- Some Global Forged thing with Hakim Zane
And allow me to add one last EH, which is Jeremy Borash discussing the “mystery” of oVe’s family member in the 5150 Street Fight: “I saw people zooming in on the video and trying to decipher the tattoos.” If those people actually exist, then sigh. I’m not saying everyone has to know who Sami Callihan is or even his connection with oVe, but the thumbs up/thumbs down was the key in the video anyway, not his tattoos.
Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. And I shouldn’t have to give up before Impact Wrestling does.
