Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.
Previously: As it turned out, Gail Kim slapped Taryn Terrell so hard that it got Taryn banned from Canada and out of the company (as well as Bound For Glory). Also, Eli Drake ended a segment stripped to his underwear. I’m not just mentioning that for shallow purposes. It legitimately ends up being a major talking point in this week’s episode.
ACE, In Theory (So Yeah, Actually An EH): The One With All The Other Ones
As Jeremy Borash says at the beginning of the episode, “Tonight, Impact originates from five different locations.” Those five different locations are: Impact Wrestling, Border City Wrestling (BCW), The Crash, Pro Wrestling NOAH, and AAA. I’ll admit right here that it’s kind of cool, both the visual aspect of the overhead shots of all the locales and the very concept of a cohesive wrestling show all over the world. Look at the adjective: “cohesive.” Wait, shit. That’s actually an adjective.
Anyway, wow is it amazing to realize just how strapped for content Impact is. You might notice there’s no Knockouts segment in this episode — not even a video package — and that one can probably be chalked up to the writing off of Taryn Terrell. But then again, there’s plenty of newer content with the men filmed here, so the same could’ve been done with the women. (They’re not even mentioned.) As much as JB hits the “global” buzzword button throughout the night — I’m not sure if that’s grounds for Jeff Jarrett to sue, but they might want to just say “international” instead — in practice, it’s not as cool as it sounds. The matches themselves are varying levels of quality and even true importance to the company itself — the biggest offender in terms of lack of importance is the X-Division four-way — and despite the key point of showing all these partner promotions, the best full match of the episode takes place at the Impact Zone. (The actual best match of the episode is edited to hell, which I’ll address.)
You have matches already in progress, matches that skip huge chunks of the action, matches with… I hate to say “nobodies,” and while there’s some good (not as known) talent that end up in these matches, it’s not like we’re regularly seeing the Impact roster against big indy stars in this exhibition matches. Even a competent commentary couldn’t sell that Trevor Lee or oVe’s titles are genuinely in peril with these possibly-on-the-cusp-of-breaking-out-but-still-very-much-not-there indy wrestlers. Commentary struggles enough selling its own stars as STARS, so it’s an even more unbelievable task here.
Basically, Impact Wrestling’s latest identity is having no identity whatsoever. Which leads to this episode, a wrestling clip show. It’s a show that splices together different locations, different branding, different rings, different aesthetics, etc. There aren’t even any entrances outside of the Impact Zone, and remember, it’s not until the matches start on the show itself that we even learn the names of certain participants in the match. And it should be noted that this wrestling clip show is not even one that builds to Bound For Glory. The next episode is the go-home show, but would you be surprised if it’s more of the same? You know the complaint about “wrestling for wrestling’s sake?” That’s what this show is. Either it’s too recap-heavy or it’s too (just) wrestling-heavy; Impact has no idea how to strike a balance and it also doesn’t have the resources to do so.
And that’s why we get episodes that a logical person would assume are meant to help sell the Global Wrestling Network, only you can’t access the matches on this episode (in full) on the Global Wrestling Network.
EH: I Can’t Believe It’s A Clip Show
No one needs to see the same Alberto El Patron video package for the third week in a row. No one.
The Knockouts main evented last week. The only acknowledgment of women on this show is Laurel Van Ness’ continued crowd-sourcing exploits in “lookin’ for a man.” Super.
ACE: A Test Of Trust
Like last week, EC3 and James Storm are the heels, and Team AAA remain excellent in starting “MEXICO” chants while getting beat down. EC3 is Flair flopping his way through the match, James Storm is getting bull roped in the crotch. As I’ve written before, James Storm is so good at selling passion and that he legitimately believes in every dumb thing he has to say or do for this company that he really pulls this off. EC3 on the other hand is basically doing the wrestling equivalent of the jerk off motion for this entire match, and you know what? That’s his thing and it also works.
What also works is the lady in the AAA crowd who is getting her money’s worth as soon as EC3 and Storm take the action to the outside. She is far better than last week’s guy in the AAA crowd who chanted “USA” when he was supposed to be chanting “MEXICO.” She’s looking for a fight, and she has no problem giving it to Team Impact. This is a feud. Especially when this is the only instance of anyone in the crowd caring about this match at all.
EH: Curriculum Unavailable
In case you were worried, JB is still all about trying to explain how this storyline and feud actually make sense. He kind of gets closer to it this week, but … it’s still not good. He starts with an explanation about the beginning of this particular feud, in which he says: “And it all started when Fantasma received an Impact Grand Championship title match against EC3 and thought the judges were unfairly giving EC3 the win.” I mean, that’s factually accurate. Good job. “And from then on, it’s been non-stop warfare between the two promotions.”
I mean, when I think “warfare” between any promotions, I don’t think three guys from each promotion in a story bubble while two guys (one on each side) are just completely absent or not at all integral to the story whatsoever. I mean, do we have confirmation that Pagano is even a real person? Sure, he technically bridged the gap between Fantasma and Texano — and that’s something that has tangible evidence on the show, not just something JB and Josh Mathews have to try to sell — but he’s not part of the AAA story aspects at all. The same goes for Eddie Edwards, who started this story with EC3 when it originally teased that this would be an EC3/EE reluctant team-up eventually leading to a Grand Championship match … But like lol what’s the Grand Championship?
Josh then adds that “Fantasma thought he had Hector Guerrero in his back pocket,” which I’m not sure is exactly the case so much as he expected brand loyalty. But considering how inconsistent that loyalty is here — hey, this match finally features an example of Texano and Fantasma not being on the same page, after weeks of saying that without any evidence — who knows. That reminds me, “Who knows?” should be the Impact Wrestling tagline.
Also like last week (specifically like the oVe match at The Crash), tag team rules and any officiating whatsoever are pretty much thrown out the window here. We’re over halfway through with the match before JB tries to explain it away, saying that due to “lucha rules” the “referee [is] a little more lax.” Then Texano is using his bull rope against EC3 and James Storm (and James Storm’s poor little cowboy) and JB mentions the referee “being very lackadaisical.” And that’s about that.
Just a tip: If Global Impact Wrestling is your entry into other wrestling outside of WWE, you’re going to get a very bad wrestling education. And that’s apparent even before Josh Mathews has the gall to say, “You’re gonna get an education by watching this two-hour program.”
EH: Daphne Returns
Throughout the episode, Eli Drake’s on his phone. Either on a phone call or texting, but everyone who comes up to him gets the same excuse: He’s busy. This is important because he’s saying things on the phone like, “we didn’t get off to the best start, but at the same time, it’s kind of dirty what they did to you.” My immediate thought was that he was on the phone with a (soon-to-be heel) returning Alberto El Patron, but since Bound For Glory will supposedly have other returns and debuts, there are other less obvious possibilities. To that I say:
Please don’t be Bruce Prichard. Please don’t be Tyrus. Actually, given the new DNA nickname for Drake and Adonis: Also please don’t be Matt Morgan.
EH: Unfinished Business
The other point to these multiple Eli Drake segments is that showboating, can’t stop talking about himself Eli Drake is bailing on media and promotional appearances for the company. Basically, he’s taking all of the perks of being the champ without taking any of the responsibility. In Impact’s defense, it’s a good story idea and different in that it’s not exactly something you’re going to see on WWE. You’ve probably seen it on Ring Of Honor, but my point is that you don’t get a lot of popular wrestling media including the aspect of the champ having to do champ things outside of the ring.
The problem is — and it’s actually not the part about Eli Drake avoiding opportunities to talk about himself — that this episode happens now, when the past week of Impact’s social media has been plastered with media and press appearances by the two characters they try to pretend wouldn’t do that: Eli Drake and Lashley. The same people who are even going to care about this storyline are the same people who are going to know that, so as usual, the question is who this show is particularly for.
Eli also talks about how the media appearances they expect him to make, he’s not going to do them until the promotion starts plastering his face (and face with the title) everywhere around the place. Until he’s the face of the company. I’m still not even 100% sure that the American Top Team stuff won’t be the main event of Bound For Glory anyway, so Eli Drake’s kind of got a point. “You got 58 other dummies who could walk in here, do these stupid interviews and all that crap.” Touche.
EH: Friends
Isn’t it funny that old white guys with similar thinking are in charge of this wrestling show? Isn’t it funny that this wrestling show can continue to make jokes about constantly not paying talent in the past, like it’s a wrestling show that can even afford to provide its own original content from top to bottom?
And congrats to the camera person who confirms that there is only one office in the Impact Zone — Jim Cornette’s, that they all share — and then quickly zooms in once they realize they’re supposed to be pretending it’s Dutch Mantell’s. That or Impact wants us to know Jim Cornette is just super cool with Dutch Mantell sitting in his chair and yelling at Scott D’Amore about how they shouldn’t pay the company’s champion.
EH: My Deja Vu, My Deja Vu
Were you aware that oVe versus LAX is a “turf war?” The same is said to describe Team Impact versus Team AAA. The same is said to describe every storyline here besides the X-Division stuff. Commentary may not be able to explain any of these stories in a way to work with the actual show, but that doesn’t mean they need to call everything a “turf war.” Then again, half of last week’s matches were all introduced as “a grudge match” by the ring announcer, so that’s just Impact’s choice to make nothing special.
As for the match, this is the one that begins “in progress,” and it’s another oVe title defense where there’s absolutely no potential for the title to switch hands. In fact, despite commentary constantly talking up wrestlers who really aren’t all that, JB and Josh fail to mention that oVe’s opponents Phil Atlas and Brett Banks are the tag team champions at BCW. You probably won’t be surprised to read that anyone from the opposing team (in this case, Brett Banks specifically) steals the show and looks better than oVe. You also won’t be surprised to read that this match does absolutely nothing to hype Bound For Glory, because that’s pretty much the deal for every non-Impact Zone match on this show besides the AAA match.
Jake Crist also spends the latter half of the match on the apron, because this is the match where he was legitimately injured. Supposedly he’s cleared, but… Look, I’m just asking for oVe to have a good match at Bound For Glory.
ACE: Unconquerable Man
Jeremy Borash absolutely ethers Josh Mathews on commentary during this match, to the point Josh doesn’t even try to come back with a crappy response. It happens when they’re talking about the Global Wrestling Network, specifically the pretty funny thing about how fans are screencapping JB’s old hairstyles and tweeting them to him:
Josh: “What do you call that hairstyle that you have now?”
JB: “I call it a hairstyle without frosted tips. You can’t say the same, my friend.”
DJ Z’s not around, so I’ll just post this:
ACE: Generation Hex
This is basically a thumbs up but still kind of thumbs down. So it’s absolutely appropriate.
oVe is upset they keep running into LAX, even though they do things like go to The Crash in Tijuana specifically to tease Konnan about the weird phallic symbol known as the Impact Tag Team Championship belts (which were not able to be covered up back when this promo was filmed). Dave Crist even says, “I’m getting really tired of dealing with LAX.” Literally every one of their confrontations with LAX could have been avoided. I’m not talking about having a wrestling show without wrestling conflict, I’m honestly talking about having anything about oVe work on any fundamental level.
Sami Callihan, save us all.
EH: Better Luck Next Time
This EH is truly for the person who OK’d Moose “who-ing” King Mo. I understand why Moose plays the “I don’t know her” card with King Mo … but considering this company has spent more than its fair share of time pushing him as a big deal (since 2012), he could maybe ease up on things like: “Who’s that? I have no idea who King Mo is.”
You also have Stephan Bonnar’s approach to King Mo, which is reminding us that MMA is all that matters (because pro wrestling is fake): “King Mo is trying to steal some of my glory. Trying to steal some of my limelight. I’m the main event fighter. He’s the undercard bum.” I suppose it’s so nice of Bonnar to add a completely new plot point and motivation to this mess of a story the week before the pay-per-view. Really, I think they let him watch the video packages for this story and he just tried to figure it all out like the rest of us. Case in point: “I don’t even think it’s that Dan Lambert hates pro wrestling.” Yes. We know this because he literally cut a never ending promo last week that was nothing but a rant about how much he doesn’t hate pro wrestling.
And since Bonnar’s video package education knows the truth about Dan Lambert being the center of this story, he throws in:
“He just sees a paycheck in Bobby Lashley. He just wants to milk him in MMA for all he’s worth, just like he does to all his fighters. Dan Lambert is a wannabe pro wrestler and a wannabe mixed martial arts fighter. But he’s not good enough to be either of them, so what does he do?”
He does this Impact storyline which clearly would’ve put even more focus on him had Jeff Jarrett stuck around to continue to feud with him.
ACE: Our Finest Hour
Eddie Edwards is saved from AAA shenanigans this week to fly to Japan for a match we already saw clips from weeks ago. Never stop not knowing how to use a calendar or proper storytelling technique, Impact Wrestling. But as realized from those clips weeks ago, Eddie Edwards’ GHC Championship defense against Naomichi Marufuji is pretty damn dope. It’s the rare match on this show that is pretty much completely enthralling without the typical Impact Wresting caveats.
EH: House Rules
But of course this match is not aired in full. How disappointing it is to get one of the better matches in a long time on Impact, only for it to do a white fade fastforward throughout. Why even show the (still partial) match, especially with it being weeks after showing clips from the match in the first place? Is this match going to be on the website? No. Is is match going to be on the Global Wrestling Network? Well, so far, none of the promotions it brags of partnering with are on there. Well, besides Border City Wrestling, but that’s basically edging its way into being the new face of Impact Wrestling in the wake of the death of GFW. And Smash Wrestling, also because Canada.
EH: Tales From The Clip
This match has absolutely no bearing on anything that is or has been happening on this show. Sorry, Tarik. Petey Williams wins.
ACE for content, EH for how we got there: Short Attention Span Theater
After multiple segments about how Eli Drake won’t cut a promo for the show, one of the segments is Eli Drake cutting a promo for the show. Basically confirming that, as promised, he was going to do a promo as soon as he was no longer “busy.” So what was the issue again?
The promo itself is pretty good — as is to be expected with the work of Eli Drake — and it’s here that he elaborates on being stipped to his boxer briefs last week. Using that as the excuse as to why Garza Jr. came after him (showing up when he was vulnerable) is a good delusional heel response, especially when you see the actual footage and how Eli Drake was anything but vulnerable at the time. Also, I will give Impact the benefit of the doubt and applaud them for the simple touch of making sure Eli Drake’s promo in the dark while Johnny Impact’s is in the light of day.
EH: The One with Joey’s Interview
Johnny Impact (or whatever you want to call him) has reached a point in his career where his stilted delivery in his promos is actually a positive, as it works for the B-movie star aesthetic he has going for him. But he really needs to stop trying to get “sneaky meathead” over when talking about Drake and Adonis. Or when talking about anyone at all. It’s really bad, dude.
He also manages to add in one of those bonus tidbits that neither commentary nor the show itself even mentions at all, with the line about how he and Garza Jr. “go way back.” This was the moment in my notes that made me write “the fuck?” Because this is brand new information while also possibly being absolute nonsense and also nothing that has anything to do with this storyline.
ACE: George And Louise In A Bind
As with most things Impact, it really helps that the crowd is actually hyped for this and vocal throughout the entire match. Not just when Garza Jr. removes his pants. Despite commentary not going into how Johnny Impact and Garza Jr. “go way back” — and I looked it up, they’ve crossed paths in AAA — the two make-shift partners have great tag team chemistry. See: Their stereo standing moonsaults to Eli. The Chris Adonis and Johnny Impact stuff here is also better than that singles match, but that’s very easily explained by Adonis not being in control of this match.
There’s also a great moment from Eli Drake in this match, both athletically and as a character. First he jumps up to the top rope to superplex Garza Jr., and it’s both beautiful and impressive. Especially in the aftermath of Johnny Impact’s promo going on about how neither Eli Drake nor Chris Adonis can do what he and Garza Jr. can do in the ring. Obviously that’s true, but that doesn’t mean Eli Drake doesn’t have a few tricks up his sleeve. (Chris Adonis, on the other hand, does not.) But then instead of going for the pin after his impressive feat of wrestling prowess, Eli Drake gets up to provide his opponents, the Impact Zone, and the entire viewing audience with a powerful “E-LI-DRAKE.” He immediately pays for that, and in those few moments, Eli Drake’s talent and character are on full display.
EH: The Voice Of Reason
EH to Josh calling attention to Eli Drake’s very obviously botched powerslam (Garza Jr. lands awkwardly on his side) “unorthodox.” This is basically the sequel to him saying “some people might call Eli Drake’s style boring, but … ” Also EH to JB saying Eli Drake “did his best to avoid Johnny Impact that entire match.” That could be a story of the match, but it’s not the story of this match. Eli actually does his best to beat on Johnny as much as he possibly can here.
ACE: Mr. Lee
I wrote a little about the Trevor Lee and Crash stuff in the sneak peek from last week, and since this show just repeats that before the actual match, you can go back and read what I wrote. An additional clip in the vignette does show Trevor coming very close to fighting a child (if he could not find “el promotor” or his opponent), and that’s a memory I will cherish forever.
https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/923722501280227329
As for his opponent at The Crash, that would be Ultimo Ninja, brother of Garza Jr. and apparently not good enough for Impact Wrestling. I mean, they don’t say that at all, but think about it: All these “top” stars they’re showing in these other promotions and they’re not signing any of them? Ultimo Ninja is impressive for a masked wrestler with no pants removal regimen, but you can tell at this point that JB has really run out of talking points for Impact’s relationship with its partner promotions and all things “global” and “international.”
EH: Missing Episode
You’d think commentary would mention the handful of tights (to the point Ultimo Ninja’s rear is blurred) Lee grabs to win. Especially since, if this were a match that has consequence, it would be grounds for a rematch. But they don’t and it’s not.
Global Forged: Lab Rats
Last week’s episode of Global Forged wasn’t put on the Impact YouTube until the day before this week’s show. I guess no one who mattered thought to remind them (or even remember) that they never put it up in the first place. Anyway, either Hakim Zane or Mark Wheeler (the one who had the worst fake phone conversation with Scott D’Amore) will sign with Impact. The winner will make their debut (or just say hello, I don’t known) at Bound For Glory, so whoever’s the most Canadian, that’s who my loonie’s on.
ACE: The Devil Inside
No one ever said King Mo was clever but calling Moose “Bullwinkle” definitely puts him on a whole other level of thinking.
EH: Tool Time After Dark
“Colby Covington?! King Mo?! These guys are legit!”
Shut up, Josh.
EH: Lifeline
No, you’re not misremembering: Impact has already done Moose versus Lashley. You can even tell they’re disappointed they can’t say “for the first time ever” when hyping this match. So while it might seem like they haven’t actually faced off based on how much this show hypes their match as the main event, that’s just the way things go when you’re in American Top Team’s orbit. EC3 should probably take up MMA the day before Bound For Glory — he’d probably get moved to the main event.
This match is fine? It’s always impressive to see how quick these big guys are, but it’s all just a means to a DQ and another American Top Team beatdown. Only this time, Moose (and Stephan Bonnar) ends up getting the upper hand. He also almost accidentally kills an American Top Team guy who just barely clears the top rope after Moose powerbombs him to the outside. Then Moose says “bitch” a few times (all bleeped of course) to kind of close the episode. I say “kind of” because …
ACE?: Out Of Mind
This video is played right after the main event and closes out the episode, for a reason I’m still not quite sure of. It doesn’t exactly bring any brand new information and it’s positioned at a spot on the show where you can assume the audience has already changed the channel. But I suppose it’s not actively bad, so congratulations.
Paradigms Of Human Memory
AKA The Final Bound For Glory Card:
- Eli Drake (c) vs. Johnny Impact, for the Impact Global Championship
- Moose and Stephan Bonnar vs. Lashley and King Mo, in Six Sides of Steel for the future of professional wrestling (???)
- oVe (c) (with Sami Callihan) vs. LAX, in a 5150 Street Fight for the Impact World Tag Team Championship
- Rosemary vs. Taya Valkyrie, in a Red Wedding (First Blood) match
- Abyss vs. Grado, in a Monster’s Ball match for Grado’s citizenship
- Team Impact (EC3, James Storm, & Eddie Edwards) vs. Team AAA (El Hijo del Fantasma, Texano, & Pagano)
- Sienna (c) vs. Allie vs. Gail Kim, for the Impact Knockouts Championship
- Trevor Lee (c) vs. Garza Jr. vs. Dezmond Xavier vs. Matt Sydal vs. Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt, for the X-Division Championship
- GLOBAL FORGED???
It’s impressive and a little ridiculous that there’s only one singles match on this card without a gimmick.
My thoughts about all of these matches can be found in these recaps, but there’s one match in particular I want to address here. Garza Jr. is in the X-Division Championship match, which… These past few weeks have been all about making him a main eventer, so it’s either an insult that they’re possibly just going to give him the X-Division title (when everyone else in the division has at least been working within those parameters) or it’s evidence they should’ve insert someone who’s actually a main eventer into the Johnny Impact/Eli Drake storyline. I like Garza Jr., but in terms of the stories they’ve been telling — as messy as they’ve been — and the “build” to this damn pay-per-view, he shouldn’t be in this match. That’s on Impact for not working on him as an X-Division star (maybe we’ll get the one episode of build-up to it in the go-home show — damn, is it going to be because Trevor grabbed Ultimo Ninja’s tights) and for getting rid of his fallback position as one-half of a tag team.
Plus, this should’ve been a one-on-one match between Trevor Lee and Super X Cup winner Dezmond Xavier (with an actual storyline) anyway.
Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. That’s a bad thing, I swear.
