If you want to get into the wrestling business, here’s the easiest way to do it: wait for the biggest sports-entertainment company in the world to do a promotion with a frozen pizza company.
Welcome to the WWE TOTINO’S BOLD ‘SHOW US YOUR SUPERSTAR’ contest, where in WWE and Totino’s ask the most Bucky Boyd-esque people in the world to create a wrestling character and perform it on YouTube.
WWE and Totino’s BOLD asked the WWE Universe: Think you have what it takes to be a WWE Superstar? Do you have the look, the walk and the talk? Fans from across the country answered the call and sent in a short video submission. But only one fan will win the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity – a chance to bring their Superstar idea to life! Check out some of the video submissions now, and don’t forget to come back in July and meet our winner, and see his EPIC journey from ordinary to legendary – we’ll watch him work and train at the WWE Performance Center, make his debut in front of a LIVE WWE audience, and then travel all the way to one of WWE’s biggest events of the year – SummerSlam, presented by Totino’s BOLD!
It’s July and the winner would’ve started training yesterday, so let’s dig through the archives and discover some of the best of the worst of the folks begging pizza to put them on TV.
Disclaimer: This is not about making fun of these people, it’s about making fun of the embarrassing thing they did in the name of pro wrestling and pizza rolls.
Poppa Wheelie
Poppa Wheelie didn’t really think this through. He came up with a great Hanna-Barbera character name and is sorta cosplaying Jeff Hardy, but there just isn’t enough in the tank (the MOTORCYCLE tank) for a three minute promo. It starts with “I may have what it takes to be in the WWE, but I also may have what it takes to be champion!” type stuff, then devolves into “I wear sunglasses” and “I’m in the gym 12 hours a day.” Party City isn’t a gym, bro. Real talk, if Poppa Wheelie is in the gym 12 hours a day, he’s the janitor.
PJ Gonzalez, The Amazoness Tigress
KAYFABE, PJ. WHY ARE YOU UNMASKING.
This is one of my personal favorites, because the promo is about how she’s unemployed and bad at everything. “I’m back unemployed!” She mentions that she used to wrestle (with experience in Puerto Rico and … Vermont?) and that she “still probably has a little bit of what she had.” I think that’s what WWE’s looking for most: people who are not as good as they used to be and don’t really care, but figured “what the hell, maybe I’ll try to be a successful television millionaire.”
Jace The Ace
A time-traveling rockstar otaku who is responsible for the pyramids and the industrial revolution. Also, a really underrated DeviantArt page. The worst part of this promo is that his mom doesn’t wander in to tell him dinner’s ready.
Wild Cornstalk
I honestly kinda love this one. The gimmick is that she’s a racist lady with braces who kinda remembers the Disney version of Pocahontas. That’s like a gimmick I’d make up and give somebody. The worst part of the promo is that Tatanka doesn’t wander in to tell her dinner’s ready.
That catchphrase, though. “My name is Wild Cornstalk. LIKE A CORNSTALK.”
The Hollywood Cowboy
“I’m like the Naked Cowboy, but with clothes. I BOUGHT SO MANY REPLICA TITLES. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE MY REPLICA TITLES? OWNING THOSE MEANS I’M GREAT AT WRESTLING.”
Overhaul
The Tree. Will. Fall.
Overhaul is great because of how specific his backstory is. He goes into great detail about a trucking company, his legal history and whether or not he should work at McDonald’s. “The superstars are all my employees!” If he doesn’t become the WWE’s next breakout star, he’s got a bright future in middle management.
Johnni Riddlin ADHD
MAN BOOB POWER.
I always thought motivational speaker Matt Foley and the Blue Meanie should have a baby.
Brock Lesnar Guy
What, is Frank the Clown too busy to be a wrestler?
