Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw:
♫ OH, OH, WRESTLEMANIA
YEAH THIS IS OUR LIFE
(PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP)
OH, OH, WRESTLEMANIA
FIGHTIN’ TO SURVIVE
(JUST LIKE THAT, JUST LIKE THAT) ♫
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 3, 2017.
Best: A Bunch Of Disobedient Kids In The Yard
“This is my yard now.”
This is the most baller moment on WWE TV in years. Probably the most baller moment since CM Punk didn’t let a Royal Rumble get in the way of his drug and alcohol awareness seminar. Or Punk screaming in Vince McMahon’s face about how he doesn’t know what the audience wants anymore. Roman Reigns is CM Punk now, is what I’m saying.
If you missed the segment — and if you did, I’m sorry for your loss — Roman Reigns opened the Raw after the WrestleMania where he, you know, handily defeated and retired the most consistently popular and most consistently “WWE” WWE Superstar in history. And not only was his appearance the opening of the show, it was the moment that interrupted a minutes-long “Under Taker” chant. The crowd was not ready to say nice things to him.
So he shows up and, in total silence, takes about 10 minutes of the most directly insulting things an arena full of people can thank of. I was in this crowd, and while I didn’t participate in every chant, I’m pretty sure we cycled through everything we could think of. These included:
- “Roman sucks”
- “Just go home”
- [booing intensifies]
- “Delete”
- “Asshole”
- “Fuck you Roman”
- “Shut the fuck up”
Roman just stood there slowly raising the microphone to his face as the crowd treated him like Vickie Guerrero in her heyday. Instead of cutting a long recap promo about what happened, instead of putting over the Undertaker and the tough match they had at WrestleMania, instead of explaining his nicknames and telling us he doesn’t care if we boo him or cheer him, Roman simply said, “this is my yard now,” dropped the microphone and left. It. Was. Amazing. It made like half the section I was going in turn from “boo roman reigns boo boooo” to “Roman Reigns is my favorite wrestler” in a sentence.
This is what Roman Reigns needs to be. He’s the top dog. The big, top dog. He’s done everything you can do in a WWE career, and he’s just getting started. Isn’t that scary? The guy closed out the last three WrestleManias. In the first one, he almost beat Brock Lesnar. In the second, he beat Triple H to win the championship. In the third, he RETIRED THE UNDERTAKER. AT WRESTLEMANIA. What the hell does he have to prove to US? He doesn’t have to try to be cool, or attempt to prove it, or try to convince us anymore. Every promo he cuts should just be a shrug, followed by him pointing at his dick, giving us the finger, and slapping his own ass.
Worst: “Bizarro Land!”
In fact, the only criticism I have for the segment is that the announce team didn’t sell it like they should’ve. They went into a thing (like they always do) about how the Raw after WrestleMania is Bizarro Land, where fans cheer for who they’d normally boo, and boo for who they’d normally cheer. I think that’s bullshit. The post-WrestleMania Raw is full of goobers trying to get themselves over, sure, I won’t deny that … but it’s also the most concentrated dose of your most passionate audience. It’s not “bizarre” or different. It’s the audience that cares about what’s happening, because they’re excited, because you’re giving them something to be excited about. I hate that WWE legitimately believes that any audience that’s excited to be there isn’t their audience.
If y’all put this much care and effort into making an unpredictable, exciting show full of engaging characters we’re excited to see beyond their entrances, you’d have like 12 Beach Ball Manias a year. And I know post-Mania crowds kinda suck, don’t get me wrong. But those crowds aren’t the ones who decided we only get one good Raw a year and have to make the most of it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUd9vVWObMo
Best: The Refurbished Hardys
Our first match of the night was another good choice, and a consequential one to boot; the new Raw Tag Team Champions, Broken Adjace Matt Hardy and Brother Regular Jeff Hardy, defending against the former champions, The Club. They announce this as a “championship rematch,” which isn’t technically true because we aren’t having a four-team ladder match up in this piece, but it works.
It’s more Hardys Greatest Hits, but that’s what people wanna see right now. Seeing Matt and Jeff back in the place that more or less grew the original version of them from scratch getting fresh, excited reactions from fans is the best. Most of us had written these guys off once they hit TNA — especially when Jeff was shitting the bed with Sting, and Matt was just kind of aging and expanding — but their career renaissance coming all the way back around and somehow blowing up at the point of re-entry is the feel good story of the past year or so.
It’s also a really easy way to get through the Raw trope of the Championship Rematch, with the former champs getting a fair-and-square, immediate shot at the belts, putting up a great fight, and losing. It’s very straight forward, which is something you have to be when you’re reestablishing these guys and reminding everyone that outside of the hilarious backyard wrestling fan fiction, they’re legit WWE legends. It was also a good, classic tag match.
I’m still waiting for more Hashtag Broken content than him just doing the Delete gesture once to get the crowd doing it, but (and I will probably type this a lot), the “Superstar Shake-up” is coming next week, so I’m fine with everyone being in a holding pattern for a week.
So, speaking of that-
Best: Theme Chanting
I reserve the right to get retroactively, hypocritically grumpy about it later, but I like crowd participation entrance themes. Not necessarily entrance speeches or comedy bits, but singing is fun. This Raw gave us (1) the crowd doing the “YEAH” parts of the Revival’s theme (more on that later, because TOP GUYS), and (2) the chance to sing both the “you got, NO CHANCE” and “NO CHANCE IN HELLLL” parts of Vince McMahon’s music. That is SO MUCH FUN.
Best/Worst: Time To Superstar Shake-up™ Things Up!
I hope Raw gets American Alpha so I can write about them again. Ooh, and Heath Slater so I can start fantasy booking a Drew McIntyre call-up every week.
So yeah, Vince McMahon shows up and monster-staggers out to indirectly celebrate his children being off the show for a few weeks (I hope) and announce the SUPERSTAR SHAKE-UP. It’s so weird that WWE has to brand everything that happens now. I wonder if when Vince goes to the bathroom he makes everyone in the office refer to it as The Waste Land.
Vince is also here to announce a new Raw General Manager.
(I wish.)
Best: The Teddy Long Tease
My favorite part of Teddy Long thinking he’s going to be named the new Raw General Manager is that he was like, standing in gorilla just READY TO GO. As soon as Vince is like, “here’s your new GM,” Teddy Long’s Gollum ass just long-jumped out onto the stage. He triple-jumped out and started dancing in place. I hope he’s standing at the curtain at every single show in every city in the world, just in case. And that he’s always sweating like he’s a melting candy bar.
Best: You Suck, Etc.
The actual general manager, as we all anticipated, is WWE legend Kurt Angle. And I swear, after watching him be the EXTREMELY TOUGH GUY who is gonna WRESTLE YOU TO DEATH even if you DON’T WANT HIM TO GRR ARGH in TNA for a decade, it’s great to get Actual Kurt Angle back. Angle was really tough and great at wrestling, sure, but the best version of WWE Kurt Angle is the one who was also basically Beaver from Leave It To Beaver. He’s an aloof, self-centered, not-as-smart-as-he-thinks-he-is jock goofball who isn’t afraid to parody Shawn Michaels’ entrance theme or wear a tiny cowboy hat.
So that all leaves us with this:
The most important part of this graphic is, of course, how much it makes me want Daniel Bryan vs. Kurt Angle at next year’s WrestleMania. Or like, Bragging Rights. Anywhere ever.
Worst: The First Time Someone Gets Into Those WWE Lights
I feel sorry for anyone who has to be under the WWE lights for the first time, or after a long time away. Remember when Samoa Joe showed up and looked like a freshly-crested seal? Kurt Angle’s out here looking like someone drowned the Boss Baby in a Men’s Wearhouse.
Best: Neville Vs. Ali, Or
Worst: Watch The Match Please
During Neville vs. Mustafa Ali, someone in the crowd reveals they’ve snuck in something in the ballpark of 40 inflatable beach balls and starts batting them around. Raw crowds (and especially Raw after WrestleMania crowds) are like easily-distracted kittens anyway, so everyone starts batting them around. Security starts taking them away, which gets bigger boos each time, and somehow more beach balls appear. This continues until everyone in the arena is watching them bounce around, hoping nobody hits them toward an usher, and reacting loudly when anything changes.
The only problem with this is that it’s during Neville vs. Mustafa Ali.
Neville and Neville’s next probable (and maybe best) challenger are in the ring tearing it up, continuing Neville’s one-man quest to repeal and replace WWE’s cruiserweight division with something fun and watchable. Ali’s giving what would’ve been his breakout performance anywhere else, from a springboard Spanish fly to a missed imploding 450 to set up the finish. The crowd stops to “oh” a few times, but goes back to chanting “beach ball mania.” Couldn’t you guys have waited until they did something we didn’t enjoy to act like we’re not having a good time at Raw? Not gonna wag my finger too hard this year because that’s become the lowest hanging fruit in the Internet wrestling community, but come on.
The finish here is great, too, with Neville managing to dodge the 450 and quickly heading up top to set up the Red Arrow, because that’s what he uses when he feels challenged … only to look back out into the crowd, reconsider, and hop back down to the mat to lock Ali in the Rings of Saturn. We didn’t deserve the Red Arrow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUE_e8iY6VE
BEST: SAY YEAH
The New Day wanders out in admittedly cool upside-down-ice-cream-cone-spike Legion of Doom shoulder pads and an admittedly less cool cereal backpack that farts cereal to remind us that they are PRO WRESTLERS, and that they’d like to have a PRO WRESTLING MATCH. They make an open challenge to anyone in the Raw locker room, which feels kind of empty when you consider that (1) there are only four other teams in the division that get to be on TV in non-jobber roles, (2) two of them already wrestled in the opener and (3) the other two already got announced for a #1 contender match later in the show. If there wasn’t a debuting team back there, who was gonna answer that challenge? The Shining Stars?
Anyway, in news that made me hop out of my seat into a standing position and throw my hands in the air without even using my legs, the open challenge is answered by Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder, aka NXT’s The Revival, aka the best tag team in the world. The best tag team that’s existed in the world in like, 30 years. They’re a team whose gimmick is, “we are extremely regular dudes who don’t do anything exciting, we’re just very good at planning wrestling matches,” and became the darling of the entire thinking man’s wrestling world. Seriously, if you haven’t been watching NXT, Revival TakeOver matches are like Christmas mornings. Or like, bachelor parties for dudes who are marrying regular wrestling and want one last wild night with tactical and logical fake-fighting perfection.
If you didn’t know them when their music hit, hopefully you fell in love with them when they walked out and pushed over the New Day’s ice cream cart for no reason.
The match itself is the Rev dismantling the New Day, as they do. It’s not the bonkers American Dragon Gate stuff they do in NXT, but it shouldn’t be; the main roster is now tasked with not only introducing these guys, but teaching modern audiences why what they do is so cool and fun to watch, while simultaneously convincing Book By The Cover a-holes that these average-ass joes are the best in the world. They get the win (!) with a beautiful Shatter Machine, and put an exclamation point on it by breaking Kofi Kingston’s leg. How many times have I asked for this in columns? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I LUCIDLY DREAMED THIS?
Fun note:
These two teams first met way back in March of last year, when then-unbeatable Tag Team Champions The New Day got called out on Twitter and ran into the Revival backstage. Now, a year later, we find out how that fight would’ve ended. TOP GUYS.
(Now move them to Smackdown, or move American Alpha to Raw so they have someone who wants to wrestle Revival-style matches all the time.)
Best: EVIL EMMA REDUX
Speaking of divisions getting booked in matches requiring more people than they normally have available, the Raw women’s division gets put into a six-woman tag. We got spoiled by this during a random commercial break where the WWE production team put big EMMA graphics on the screen at the wrong time, but that’s totally fine. It means Emma is back, perfect Evil Emma is still a thing — throw Emmalina in the garbage forever — and we don’t have to keep making jokes about never seeing her again.
The setup is Bayley and Sasha Banks teaming with Dana Brooke against Charlotte, Nia Jax, and Emmer. The crowd spent the whole match going back and forth between, “Sasha’s going to turn on Bayley here, right,” and, “Dana’s going to turn on Bayley and Sasha here and go back with Emma, right?”
Sometimes it veered into, “how funny would it be if Dana AND Sasha turned on Bayley,” because we’re masochists and don’t want anyone to be happy. But nope, turns out none of that comes true, and the finish is Sasha Banks tapping out Charlotte. Sure! Superstar Switch-up™!
After the match, we get a fun moment where Charlotte blames her teammates for her loss, because of course she does, and Nia throws hands at her. Emma just bails, because she’s (1) evil and (2) smart. I don’t know if this is the beginning of a Nia face turn, a Charlotte face turn, or something in the middle, but I’m down for it. At this point, Charlotte has been the MVP of the division for longer than I can even remember. Give her a singles storyline that isn’t, “I want the title,” or “I have the title.”
Best: Kurt Angle Generally Managing
As I mentioned earlier, I’m the happiest boy in the land about Kurt Angle being classic WWE Kurt Angle in this GM role. He’s got better comedic timing for WWE’s preferred brand of comedy than anyone in history, and if you need proof of that, watch him do CPR and Enzo Amore and Big Cass’ tired-ass catchphrases. From actually answering the question about how he’s doing to his delayed snark about them not knowing how to spell “soft,” he’s brilliant.
I know I fantasy booked him versus Daniel Bryan about 10 seconds into his return and am looking forward to when him and Brock Lesnar go face-to-face again, but I mostly hope we just get a GM we can like who makes matches and announces stuff and doesn’t constantly piss us off. Really looking forward to maybe enjoying backstage segments again instead of constantly having to dread and justify them.
Best: Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro Doot Doot-Doot, Doot-Doot Sheamus and Cesaro
I reserve the right to get retroactively, hypocritically grumpy about it later — hey, actually being in the crowd feels different from having to sit back and listen to it in the background of a Michael Cole conversation — but the Sheamus and Cesaro chant made the number one contender match super fun. I think I just liked seeing Cesaro enjoy himself in a wrestling ring again. That guy spent enough time in Chikara to learn how to roll with the most ridiculous punches, so seeing him play to it and turn it into a thing made me really happy.
Eventually Sheamus got into it, and the crowd felt like part of the match. So much so that Enzo and Cass started getting booed for cutting into our cooperative karaoke. That sucks, but it’s also a good time. Does that make sense? I get why people “try to get themselves over” in crowds, but I also understand how sometimes you just go along with shit because of how funny and ridiculous it is that it’s happening.
Another thing that’s got me weirdly positive about it the day after is watching Cesaro and Sheamus after the match. They did a big mid-ring pose to the song, sure, but when the lights went out, Cesaro got up on the ropes on two sides of the ring and very clearly thanked us for helping the moment exist. Like, full on heart-to-us gestures. It might be the new Fandangoing — it already had the hand gesture, and two matches later when someone tried to do the same chant with “Rollins and Finn-Balor” it felt wrong — but for a night, it was the belle of the ball.
Let’s just try to stay away from any “heyyyyy, we want some SHEA MUS!” chants.
Best: Sami Zayn Wins A Match
The most obvious water-treading heading into the Superstar Shake-up™ was Sami Zayn, who annoyed Kurt Angle with his enthusiastic sincerity-rambling and ended up in a match against Jinder Mahal. He won, and maybe I’m a pessimist, but Zayn winning feels like the “okay” before he’s lobbed over to Smackdown.
I just hope Kevin Owens gets traded over right after him, just to see the reaction.
Worst: Braun Backs Down
Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar show up to do their Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar thing, and mention that now that they can move on from Goldberg, they’re opening up the title scene to new challengers. They mention Seth Rollins and Matt and Jeff Hardy before settling on Roman Reigns, which the crowd responds to with the emotional equivalent of a whoopee cushion. They’re chanting FINN FINN FINN the whole time, and Heyman’s just like, “yes, Roman Reigns is what you are saying!”
And then BRAUN STROWMAN shows up, and everyone in the building is like, OH SNAP, SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN. Braun gets in the ring and gets in Brock’s face, so Brock lays down the belt and challenges Braun to cross it. Braun, in the worst moment of the entire show, backs away and leaves. NO. NO WITH AN EXCLAMATION POINT. BAD RAW.
Braun Strowman throwing a punch would’ve made him the most over dude in the company. One damn punch. A shoulder block or something. Or you could’ve had Strowman try to accept the challenge and Angle send out a bunch of security to get between them, or SOMETHING. Instead, by having Strowman propose a fight, have that fight accepted and back down, you’re turning him into Bray Wyatt. You’re turning him into a guy who is all talk and no results, which is INSANE to do with Braun Strowman. Have him do SOMETHING. He shouldn’t react to heel situations like Kevin Owens would. He’s not the same character. Having him duck the Undertaker and duck Brock makes him look like such a wiener. And if you’re thinking, “well what’s he supposed to do in this situation, there isn’t a scenario that would help both guys?” I offer two bits of advice:
1. Punching each other always helps both guys, and
2. If you don’t want to have the biggest toughest guy on the show fight the other big tough guy on the show, don’t write a scenario that sets this up on your predetermined and completely fiction-by-your-command television program.
Best: Chris Jericho Gets Us
A United States Championship rematch between Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho was announced during a backstage interview with Jericho, then immediately put into question when Samoa Joe and Kevin Owens attacked him and put him through a table. The Sami Zayn Gets A Chance At Something Gambit. But between those things, Jericho addressed Beach Ball Mania — he encourages it — and puts the tip of Kevin Owens’ finger on the list. They are feuding over Just The Tip.
I don’t know if that match will actually happen at Payback to send Jericho off on tour or if the table spot was it, but either way, God bless that man. Here’s to his next surprise return, in which he’s the coolest guy in the world, followed by a period of about five months where he’s terrible, followed by a year of brilliance.
Best: Finn Again
With Jericho on the shelf, Angle is forced to find a new partner for Seth Rollins. Everybody knew it was going to be Finn, which doesn’t take away from the coolness of seeing him again. It’s good to have him back, for better or worse, because he’s the kind of pro wrestler people get curious about and tune in to see. He’s an event.
Best: It’s Also Cool That The Main Event Of The Raw After WrestleMania Is A Tag Team Match Featuring Four Former NXT Champions
But, uh, one thing …
Worst: Did You Think About Anything That Has Happened Before Tonight When You Booked This Match
Two things:
1. Seth Rollins is the guy who injured Finn Bálor in the first place. He’s also the guy who spent a lot of time after that injury openly mocking Finn in the ring. Now Finn’s down for being his tag team partner? Why, because Seth grew slightly as a person? The most you’re gonna give me is a few seconds of tense stare down that devolves into celebration?
2. The entire Seth Rollins WrestleMania story is that his knee was injured, and “no doctor in the world” would clear him for WrestleMania. He had to agree to a non-sanctioned, “hold harmless” match that threatened to permanently end his career as a pro wrestler. He agreed to the match, wrestled for 25 minutes, and spent about 20 of it getting his knee punched and kicked and hit with weapons. So after all that, doctors cleared him for Raw? What kind of medical sense does that make? I know you want him back on the show doing stuff, but that scenario that you decided and booked the longest WrestleMania match around said it couldn’t happen. Is our short term memory so bad now we can’t remember shit you made five-minute video packages about and showed us five times yesterday?
So, the good news is that Finn is back. The bad news is that it doesn’t get to make much sense, because we’re shaking things up next week. Is that a wash? Ah who cares, it’s fun to do the arms thing.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Captain Fram
But can Seth Rollins and Noob Saibot get along?
The Real Birdman
Braun just pawn in game of making Roman look strong
Big Baby Yeezus
Kurt Angle: “Seth Rollins’ partner will be Finn…”
*Crowd goes wild*
Kurt Angle: “Jones!!! *Iron Fist comes out*”
*Crowd Riots*
AJ Dusman
“Jinder is all fired up.”
Shouldn’t have a flame around a guy who is on that much gas.
Dagotron
Jinder Mahal looks like the last hot dog on the rack at a 7-Eleven at 3am.
NotACrook
KURT: “He’s in no condition to be your partner.”
SETH: “Just get him to sign a hold harmless agreement!”
AddMayne
Sierra
Alpha
YankeeYankee
Echo
Alpha
Hotel
TheGunslinger
Kurt why is your jacket all wet?
Angle: It’s dew! It’s damn dew!!!
Ja Gi Kyung-Moon
Vince McMahon telling a black man to *stop* dancing. It really is a whole new era in WWE!
troi
Kurt Angle looks like a high school football coach forced to teach English
Thanks for reading, everyone. Here’s to another year of waiting for WrestleMania.
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