And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 4, 2016.
Worst: LOL WrestleMania
Shane McMahon vs. Vince McMahon:
Vince: EVERYTHING IS GREAT, DAMMIT, STEPHANIE IS THE BEST, I’M GONNA GIVE HER A PIECE OF THE GUTS AGGRO CRAG WITH MY DAD’S NAME ON IT.
[Shane McMahon enters]
Shane: dad I am blackmailing you
Shane: because steph sux and I want all the power, meaning “being GM of Raw”
Shane: a lockbox
Vince: any additional information
Vince: well I guess I am being blackmailed out of power, and since I don’t know how blackmail works there’s a stipulation; I will only accept being blackmailed if you compete in a Hell in a Cell match against The Undertaker at WrestleMania
Vince: also if Undertaker loses he’s fired, basically
Shane: lol u a bitch
Undertaker: YOU ARE THE BITCH
Vince: yes, we are all bitches!
Undertaker: you know why I will win? I have gloves.
Shane: watch out for my deadly BABY JABS
Undertaker: ARGH WHY DOES THIS HURT ME
[gets put through a table]
Undertaker: THIS IS STILL HURTING, SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS
Shane: I’m great at MMA!
Undertaker: hang on, I need to lie down
Shane: [jumps off Hell in a Cell]
Vince: WELL THAT WAS CERTAINLY SOMETHING, WASN’T IT FOLKS
Shane: oh hey just stopped by to say bye, thanks for everything
Vince: F*CK YOU YOU’RE IN CHARGE OF THE SHOW
And that’s where we kick off the Raw after WrestleMania. Vince McMahon wanted to keep Shane out of power so badly he put him in a match with The Undertaker at WrestleMania inside Hell in a Cell, threatened the Undertaker to his face and put the Undertaker’s CAREER on the line, and all it took to reverse the entirety of that, the most high-stakes wager in kayfabe WWE history, is Vince not wanting to be upstaged during a Raw open. I know Vince hasn’t been defined by a clear sense of logic over the past few years (or maybe ever), but what the sh*t, guys?
I’m trying to use my recent uncharacteristic optimism (sorry, everyone) to figure this out. Vince mentions in passing that Shane jumping off Hell in a Cell “got to him,” so maybe the big reveal is that Vince truly loves Shane because he reminds him so much of himself, but also hates his guts because he reminds him of himself? Vince has always had a self-loathing vibe around him. Most creative types do. Maybe the big reveal is that dying in a limo explosion and being in a politically-induced coma gave him brain damage and he’s been unable to mentally get from point A to point B for years, but he’s Vince McMahon so nobody who notices will bring it up?
The strangest part is that The Authority’s nowhere to be found. Sure, they lost the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania, but they’re still in power. Did they know this was coming? Was the Thunderdome skeleton parade a “welp, Vince is going to have a change of heart” farewell? The stakes at WrestleMania feel like the Survivor Series 2014 stakes crammed into one 24-hour period.