Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: Roman Reigns had to face insurmountable odds as Mr. McMahon arranged a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match: Roman Reigns defending against Sheamus, with Mr. McMahon as special guest referee. In a moment that shocked everyone on Earth, Roman retained. This week, Mr. McMahon looks for retribution by making Roman Reigns face insurmountable odds. In more important news, Heath Slater has a posse.
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Please scroll through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 11, 2016.
Best: The McMahons Make Dolph Ziggler Feel Really Bad About Himself
This week’s show opened with the McMahon’s dancing into the ring — Stephanie McMahon dancing is still right ahead of “love” on the list of things that are great about the world — and setting up a “One vs. All” match. If you’re wondering what that is, it’s like that time John Cena and Randy Orton wrestled the entire Raw roster, but with Roman Reigns as both of them. It doesn’t turn out being anything like you’d imagine, but we’ll get there.
Like most Raw openings, it felt like an okay idea transformed into a slow-burning garbage fire. Vince and Stephanie seemed like they were making up their dialogue as they want along, which they probably were. If you’re gonna go tandem on a booty statement, figure out what you’re gonna say before you do it. That noted, I want to stay positive and point out a few of the things I liked about it, including:
1. Stardust’s David Bowie tribute, which we’ll see more of a little later, and the fact that he was standing close enough to Dolph Ziggler to let us make “Ziggy Stardust” jokes.
2. Damien Sandow in his “Intellectual Savior of the Masses” robe. Also, Damien Sandow on Raw. Also, Vince McMahon saying he felt a “hallelujah” coming on and then introducing The New Day, who were standing right in front of Damien Sandow. For a second you know the dude thought McMahon remembered he existed and was gonna give him a rub on TV. I hope Sandow spent the entire segment trying to find Miz in his peripherals, and doing whatever Miz was doing.
3. The McMahons telling 2-time World Champion Dolph Ziggler that this was finally his chance to grab the brass ring, after 10 years, and become World Champion. Ziggler selling it like a kid in detention was amazing. “Yeah, you’re right. Yep, this could be my time. Totally. Hey, can I go?”
Best/Worst: WWE’s Obsession With Keeping Me From Seeing Blood Has Me Popping Every Time I See Blood
That transitioned into the McMahons telling Dean Ambrose he won’t be in ONE VERSE ALL, because Sheamus is about to materialize and attack him from behind. Ambrose was like, “wait what” and then Sheamus materialized and attacked him from behind. Ambrose vs. Sheamus was set up for right now, because the worst thing a heel can do to punish a babyface in WWE in 2016 is book them in a regular match.
I thought Sheamus vs. Ambrose was a little too long, but if you like this kind of by-the-numbers Smackdown match, you’ll like it. Sheamus still feels like he’s afraid to be as good as he could be, and Ambrose’s offense still looks like Steve Martin dancing. Opening the show with the match and establishing that it’s only happening to keep a third party out of a more important match happening later kinda took the wind out of it for me.
As for the ending, WWE ringside brawls that end in double count-outs rarely feel like they needed to end in double count-outs. In my mind, a double count-out happens when two guys are just incensed, and the desire to win a match gets replaced by the desire to maim and injure. Either that, or a fight ends up too far away from the ring for anyone to break the count. When it happens like this, with two guys just kinda punching and exchanging holds while the referee stands over them going FIIIIIVE, where either guy could just stick their shoulder under the rope to break the count without even moving, it takes me out of it. It’s one of those count-outs you see coming when the referee’s like a fourth of the way through counting. There’s something about the ref’s position and the volume of his voice.
What I liked about it, though, was blood. I’m a sociopath, woo!
But no, WWE’s been obsessed with keeping us from seeing blood for years. It seems like a bad, overprotective idea to make sure the baby action figure people don’t get mad, but it actually helps the blood that we do see. It changed blood from a thing that happened in every other match to a exclamation point. If you see someone bleeding now, sh*t’s gotten real. Lesnar bleeds a lot because Lesnar was born into a perpetual state of bleeding, but Sheamus going face-first into the post and coming back with a mangled forehead made the post-match brawl seem legit, and not like an extension of the meandering sh*t that got them counted out. Plus, any fight that causes Kevin Owens to ninja his way to ringside in his basketball shorts of invisibility and jump somebody gets a +1 from me.
Best: Starman
Here’s a good look at Stardust’s David Bowie tribute, because his name is “Stardust” and some things just have to happen.
I’ve written enough eulogies over the past 12 months, but I wanted to say a quick thing about Bowie. I grew up the son of two Virginia teenagers who listened to stuff like Bob Seger and the Eagles. My only exposure to Bowie when I was young was through movies, and my dad making passing remarks about Bowie being weird and gay. Being from southern Virginia in the 1980s is something you spend your entire life overcoming.
Bowie’s importance didn’t really sink in for me until I started dating, and every woman I met (and most of the ones I’ve met since) loved him. Going back and listening to his work helped open my eyes a little not only to the purpose and worth of creativity, but to the fact that creativity wasn’t new. It wasn’t something we were doing today. It’s something people have been doing, for better or worse, long before we were around. Bowie was a guy who started off as a weird, gangly nobody and transformed himself into so many brilliant compartmentalized personae that it built into an impossible sum. He wasn’t a musician, or an actor, or a celebrity. He wasn’t a “pop culture icon,” or any of the things we say to describe the notable people we lose. David Bowie was a landmark. Losing him is like finding out Mt. Rushmore has vanished. Losing Bowie’s like going to Paris and there being a big square where the Eiffel Tower used to be. He had turned off-kilter creativity into a building block in the cultural identity of everyone who grew up with or after him. He’ll continue to be that for kids growing up after he’s gone. He was a fact of life. Dying doesn’t change that. As my friend Max Meehan put it, “There will never be another pop star who actually built a universe rather than just insist that he was the sun. That made him great.”
He’ll be missed, but the greatest news is that he left that universe for us to explore.
Best: That Kid With Absolutely No Interest In Doing The Millions Of Dollars Dance
Anyway, back to the wrestling show. Titus trying to celebrate with a little boy in John Cena gear and doing the Millions of Dollars dance by himself while the kid stared at the screen like JOHN CENA might’ve been my favorite moment of the show. It’s the perfect Titus O’Neil moment. “I’m trying very hard to get the crowd engaged, but nobody cares.”
I wouldn’t have given Stardust the loss with his tribute makeup on, but losing to Titus again brings up an interesting question. We hate 50/50 booking, right? Why does it feel just as bad when it’s 100/0? Is it because they’re just wrestling for the sake of wrestling, and wins and losses don’t actually matter? I like Titus. I love Stardust. Am I not interested in what’s happening because of them, or the world that’s been built around them? WWE’s spent so long telling us that only two or three stories can be important at a time. Have we just been trained to know that non-essential WWE rivalries and stories are just there to kill time, and that we shouldn’t get invested in them? Is this be design?
I want this to go somewhere, but I’m not sure how we get there. If the goal is to get Stardust to be Cody Rhodes again, what’s the point in having him take a ton of losses? He turned into Stardust because he was losing a bunch, right? He kept trying to find a new partner for Goldust because they were losing all the time. So why transition back INTO Cody because you’re losing? Won’t that just make him look like a double loser? Wouldn’t it be more emotionally charged if the transformation back into Cody happened while Stardust was a big deal, and an important character? Can we put some effort into making these guys seem like necessary parts of the show? They’re good at what they do.
Be the Titus in this scenario, WWE. Don’t be the John Cena kid.
Worst: Chris Jericho’s Mid-Life Crisis Continues
If I can pull you away from “Netflix and chilling” with your bae Kierkegaard for a second, Cool Dad Chris Jericho made his shocking return to Raw this week after showing up last week and doing some sh*t nobody liked. This week he’s wearing a collar and a tie with no shirt, like Yogi Bear. Like an aging, unfunny Yogi Bear.
This week, he’s hosting an episode of The Highlight Reel. You know that thing a cat does when it smells something bad, and kinda wipes its paw around it? That’s me watching this segment. Jericho starts off by showing “Twittering” evidence that people thought his rooty tooty booty jokes were okily-dokily, uses words of phrases Lemmy and Bowie have used and clarifies that he’s doing Lemmy and Bowie tributes — who does that, honestly? — and rambles on so long The New Day have to interrupt him to announce themselves as guests. Cool Dad’s so insufferable right now he’s making me not like New Day segments. And he’s making me use “unfunny” and “Yogi Bear” in the same sentence.
As if it couldn’t get any worse, that brings out the Usos to attempt human language, which is always a bad idea. The Usos are like those pets on America’s Funniest Home Videos somebody’s taught to say “I love you.” Jericho decides he’s going to set up a tag team match featuring himself that he’s not actually going to wrestle in, because of course he does, and refers to the Usos as his “back of the bus brothers.” That might sound racist as f*ck, but it’s actually closer to “Jericho thinks everybody watching Raw listens to his podcast and will get the reference.” Also, “Chris Jericho is so out of touch he makes Hall and Oates look like conjoined twins.”
Worst: The Only Way We Know How To Book The New Day
Two terrible things happened in the match. First, Chris Jericho stole, played and broke Xavier Woods’ trombone. This provided a distraction, allowing The Usos to get the dread Distraction Rollup and win the match. Sin Cara’s injured and Kalisto’s starting a big singles run, so I guess it’s up to The Usos to do the “____ have pinned the tag team champions!!” match twice a week for the next three months.
As for Jericho, it’s just another grain of sand in the Mad Max Wasteland that is WWE babyface behavior. I get that he only did it because Woods got on the apron to try to interrupt the match, and because in WWE “being annoying” is one of the worst things you can do, but Cool Dad’s such a smug prick right now I can’t justify his actions. How could you break Francesca? That trombone had a name. Like hey Jericho, how would you feel if somebody drove your Trans Am into a ditch?
To put it another way,
.@XavierWoodsPhD pic.twitter.com/gStHLCPlf4
— Shawn Sommerville (@EoEFAN) January 12, 2016
Best: Sting
I might have a more illustrious WWE career than Sting, but I’m happy to see one of my favorite pro wrestlers of all-time and my personal childhood hero honored with sports entertainment’s most prestigious imaginary honor. Now you’re as legit as Drew Carey and Donald Trump, Stinger! Everyone’s happy that WWE won!
Best: The Big Outcast
So, here’s something I didn’t expect.
When the Social Outcasts formed, I assumed it was a 3MB situation where they’d get crammed together as a joke so 2 or more jobbers could get mauled by a more important character. Brock Lesnar was on the show, you didn’t think they’d put this loser super-team together so Brock could throw four dudes at once? Of course you did. The Royal Rumble’s coming up, and some loose allegiances help justify WWE putting people like Adam Rose into the Royal Rumble.
This week, though, everything sorta changed. The Outcasts (with precious, homemade t-shirts) interrupted the Wyatt Family to set up a 4-on-4 match. Bo Dallas vs. Bray Wyatt, finally! Leo Kruger joining the Wyatt Family! There were a lot of ways to handle it. “Braun Strowman beats them up by himself” is the way I thought it was gonna go. Then, Ryback interrupted. The Wyatts jumped him last week (because even the in-universe characters don’t want to see another Ryback vs. Big Show match), so he’s looking for retribution. I thought maybe it’d go straight into a Wyatts/Ryback brawl with the Outcasts vanishing, or maybe the Wyatts teleporting away and the Outcasts being left to take a bunch of Shell Shocks. Instead, the Outcasts help him fight off the Wyatts, and they stand tall together.
I love it when wrestling surprises me. I hope they have Ryback join the group, and make the Social Outcasts more “Misfits In Action” than “Job Squad.” I want the whole thing to be based on Ryback and Heath Slater still being friends from their Nexus days. Can we put King Barrett and David Otunga in the group, too? Can we have a not-cleared Daniel Bryan join up? CAN WE DO THIS SO I CAN STOP FANTASY BOOKING IT TO HAPPEN? Regardless, I loved this, and now (unbelievably) I want to see Ryback make it to the final four with a little help from his shifty, nerdy friends.
(And then Curtis Axel actually wins.)
Best: Becky Lynch Vs. Ric Flair Needs To Happen
If you want to know who WWE’s purest babyface is, here’s Becky Lynch saving us from a Brie Bella match. The only bad part is that she didn’t save us before we had to hear Brie Mode.
I’m still liking the Charlotte/Becky feud a lot, especially when I detach their NXT identities completely and accept Becky as Main Roster Bayley, and not as “Becky Lynch, lady who once turned on Actual Bayley.” If you treat Becky as by-proxy Bayley and imagine that she’s only known Charlotte for like a year, you can forgive her for thinking Charlotte wasn’t gonna be a Flair. Based purely on their Raw histories, Charlotte’s transformation from “bland gymnast” to “condescending elitist hypocrite” is valid, and it’s kinda fun to go back and imagine that Paige throwing shade at her dead brother made her say f*ck it and be an asshole. It was like, “if this is how people are gonna treat me, I’m just gonna do me.” Dippy, well-meaning Becky was collateral damage.
Becky’s backstage interview about it was great, too, because it was the right amount of exposition without sounding like they’d scripted out every single word. Plus, Becky actually seemed pissed, and didn’t bring a bunch of pun props to undermine the seriousness of the situation. This is still the best story on the show, and I hope they tear it up at Royal Rumble so we can get more Divas stories that make sense.
(And don’t involve Brie Bella.)
Best: Kalisto Catches Alberto Del Rio Sleeping (Or Is He Wrestling, I Can’t Tell The Difference)
Raw featured a match that never got started, a double count-out and two no contests. You’d think I’d have hated the entire thing, because “IWC” or whatever, but I didn’t. Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio was a big reason for that.
With John Cena banished to the Phantom Zone, it was the right call to take the United States Championship off Alberto Del Rio. ADR was only holding it so Cena could burn through the League of Nations and win it back, right? Or so Cena could burn through everyone without winning it back, en route to winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Cena comes with a built-in Worst Case Scenario. But if Cena’s not coming back any time soon, there’s no need to keep it on sleepwalkin’-ass Del Rio. So who do you put it on? How about the unconventional dark-horse favorite who’s been on a hot streak as of late, pulled off the greatest spot of 2015 last month and just lost his tag team partner to injury?
For once, this felt like WWE pulling the trigger on a guy at the right time. Kalisto has always deserved more than being Extra Sin Cara, and if you’re so desperate to create new Latino stars, why wouldn’t you be all over this dude? Del Rio brings a lot of star power and name recognition, but he also brings a lot of baggage, both in the ring and outside of it. Del Rio’s not going to be bigger than this. Kalisto can be WAY bigger than this, though. He looks like Rey Mysterio and moves like Mysterio on Tantrum. He should’ve been your “new Rey Mysterio” a year ago. He feels cool and fresh, and that is precious cargo in today’s WWE.
The match was a lot of fun, from Del Rio dodging a dive by grabbing Kalisto out of the air and throwing him at the ground, to that sweet Salida del Sol counter where he just fell backwards into the perpendicular ropes. I especially loved Del Rio taking 35 f*cking minutes to set up his tree of woe double-stomp, and Kalisto managing to avoid it by doing NOTHING. He just stayed in the tree of woe and didn’t try to pull himself up, so Del Rio jumped off and stomped nothing. Booking Kalisto as exciting and high-flying but also SMART is a very, very important part of that equation. If you’re that little, you’ve gotta bring more than basement dropkicks, you know?
I’m so happy for Kalisto, and I hope this is the start of something special, even if it was WWE’s Plan B. Give the United States run as a stand-in for some imaginary Cruiserweight Championship and let Kalisto and Neville make it huge. Sneak Chad Gable in there to be their Malenko.
Best/Worst: One Versus … One?
So, okay, the main event of the show is a “one versus all” match. Before it starts, the McMahons announce that the rules of the match are that Roman Reigns has to face every heel on the roster one-on-one, in a row, until he “stops moving.” Basically, they just want a gang of dudes to beat the sh*t out of Roman, which is understandable. What I don’t understand is:
1. Why didn’t Roman just grab a steel chair and start swinging? The match wasn’t for Royal Rumble position or the WWE World Heavyweight Championship or anything, so what’d he have to lose by dropping this one match via DQ? Even if he got DQ’d 30 times, it’s still a “one vs. all” match. That only counts for one!
2. Why didn’t Vince and Stephanie stick to the plan when Roman looked like he was gonna beat Kevin Owens? Didn’t they set up the match with this many guys assuming Roman would beat a few of them? Why was the plan foiled because Roman wasn’t losing the first match? Kevin Owens did GREAT. He had Roman beat a few times. Roman probably would’ve lost to the second guy, assuming you sent in a Sheamus or an Alberto Del Rio and not Viktor, or whoever. Why just send everybody in to beat up Roman and ruin a match you set up for a specific purpose? If you’re gonna abort the match, why didn’t you just make it 30 guys vs. Roman to start, and have them beat the crap out of him?
3. Why didn’t the McMahons make the match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship? They don’t want Roman to be champ, right? That’s why they’re making him defend it in the Rumble. In reality, can’t you make every Roman match for the championship? You control it. You could’ve said “Roman will face every heel on the roster in a string of back-to-back-to-back one-on-one matches until somebody incapacitates and pins him, and that person will be WWE Champion.” That would’ve given guys like Owens a real sense of urgency to win the match besides “they want to impress the Authority,” which is meaningless. The Authority thinks you’re one of like 20 guys who can’t get the job done. That’s why they’re throwing out the match when you’re about to lose despite having 20 partners.
4. Where the hell were Dean Ambrose and the Usos, again? Roman’s family is the worst. Were the Usos in the back of the bus with Cool Dad? Ambrose said earlier in the night that he was still breathing and looking for Kevin Owens. Hey Dean, here’s Kevin Owens wrestling a match in the ring for the last 20 minutes of the show, against your brother, in a match designed to make sure your brother literally dies. You wanna, I don’t know, run out here with a kendo stick and help a brother out?
All that nitpicking aside, there were two things I love love loved about the main:
1. Kevin Owens looked like a million bucks, even if the finish didn’t do him any favors.
2. BROCK LESNAR KILLIN’ DUDES.
You could’ve had three hours of Jericho saying TWINKY WINKY STINKIES and ended it with 5 minutes of Lesnar German suplexing everything in sight, and I would’ve loved it. Pissed-off Brock Lesnar is the BEST Brock Lesnar, and I loved that he not only decimated “all,” but made sure to let “one” know he wasn’t his friend. There’s no compromising Brock Lesnar. It just can’t happen. I kinda wish Roman had stood up and punched him in the face first — if you’re gonna make the man Stone Cold Steve Austin, make him Stone Cold Steve Austin — but Lesnar seeing him as just another body to throw was pretty wonderful.
The Royal Rumble is looking kinda great right now. You’ve got a bunch of teams forming — the Wyatts, Team ECW, New Day, League of Nations, Roman’s sh*tty family, Ryback and the Social Outcasts — all built around two stories: Roman Reigns is in way over his head, and Brock Lesnar didn’t get what he wanted and is gonna wreck everything that moves. That’s pretty awesome.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
The Real Birdman
Apparently this is the debut of Owens’ new character: “All”
Someone needs to tell Bo this isn’t a swimming pool, no matter how bad he wants it to be. Nevermind, Axel will do it
Amaterasu’s Son
Ric Flair: Where’d you learn to be so fat?
Lil Naitch: From you, all right? I learned it from watching you.
beef supreme
Hasn’t this dude been found out every season? What the f*ck is Suits about?
pdragon
Everyone commenting on the match, and I’m just sitting here waiting for Kalisto to summon the dragonzord.
Clay Quartermain
4 musketeers is still valid, read the book!
AddMayne
Sting’s acceptance speech: I have had a great career. But not as good as Triple H. He is the greatest wrestler of all time and has a huge dick. We are all blessed to be in his presence.
Dave M J
I drove home on roads that are basically sheets of ice, and my wheels spun less than this RAW.
Harry Longabaugh
Tonight, Jericho’s wardrobe is from the Joel Gertner collection of men’s wear.
Mr. Royal Rumble, The Censored MSol
MySpace hasn’t been a thing since Chris Jericho was a thing.
As a bonus, here’s a live recap from our own Chris Trew.
I believe New Orleans should host host Wrestlemania as often as it hosts the Super Bowl so I did my part and arrived early. Here’s my observations from section 112.
– New Day Rocks chants were pretty consistent before Lillian Garcia stepped foot in the ring for the Superstars taping. The New Day also won the coveted “Most Merchandise Worn” award. Here’s hoping New Day adopts New Orleans or at least comes back next month to be the three kings of Mardi Gras.
– When Lillian Garcia made her entrance, she tried to throw a pair of Mardi Gras beads into the crowd but they landed about 2 feet away from her heels. She picked them up and nearly tripped. I’m sad this wasn’t on camera.
– Within 30 seconds of the first match (Dudley Boyz vs. The Ascension) someone in my section yelled “kick his ass sea bass” and the arena started chanting “3D”. Maybe New Orleans shouldn’t get Wrestlemania as often as it gets the Super Bowl.
– Not sure if this made it on camera, but The New Day losing themselves via dance while on the ramp during No Chance in Hell was a huge highlight. It remains one of the greatest entrance songs of all time and their appreciation of it made me like New Day even more. Bonus props goes to Xavier Woods for the “making groceries” line (that’s a New Orleans thing, yall) and whatever the opposite of props goes to Chris Jericho for destroying Xavier’s trombone (that’s another New Orleans thing) in the birthplace of jazz.
Stay in touch with Chris Trew at @Trew2theGame.
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