Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: The Royal Rumble happened, and Randy Orton is your winner. Which, uh, has nothing to do with Raw. But Kevin Owens retained the Universal Championship by cheating in a no disqualification match designed to prevent cheating (somehow), and Charlotte wins at every pay-per-view, so Raw is fine.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 30, 2017.
Best: Braun Strowman, The Thinking Man’s Unthinking Monster
This week’s Raw opens with Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho doing the best thing heels do, which is winning, but being such constant assholes about it they end up talking themselves into defeat. Good for wrestling heels on fake fighting TV shows, bad for Presidents in real life. Just to clarify.
Braun Strowman interrupts via BRAHHHHHH and demands the title shot he was promised. Owens is like, “hey buddy, hey pal, hey friend, I did no such thing,” and Strowman does the first of two things on the night that make him the smartest giant unthinking monster in wrestling history: he rolls the damn footage of Kevin Owens telling him he’d be next in line if he retained against Reigns at Royal Rumble. Braun Strowman is the one dude in the WWE Universe who realizes everything they do is taped and uploaded somewhere for posterity, or can be easily DVR’d or whatever to help prove a point. Commissioner Foley is like, “ha, yeah,” and gives him the match. I guess you don’t go from Rosebud to sheep-masked Wyatt Family member to world title contender in a few years without knowing how wrestling works.
The second thing he does is immediately walk over to the announce table and chokeslam Chris Jericho through it before the match. Every Owens match ends with Jericho interference, so why not skip all the busy work of trying to wrestle a match against two guys and hoping it works out in your favor by just murdering one of them before it starts? It’s so smart.
What I think I love most about all of this is how Braun Strowman is suddenly poised to be the biggest babyface on the show. He’s basically the guy WWE wants Roman Reigns to be. He’s big and tough and strong and intimidates people, and he’s no-nonsense about what he says and getting what he wants. It’s a lot like how Roman was when he was in the Shield, plus some hillbilly screaming. It’s what made Goldberg cool, too. In an era of 20-minute promos and lengthy executions of prepared catchphrases, Goldberg just showed up and obliterated people and screamed a little and bailed. That’s it. He got in and got out, you never got tired of him, and he just seemed stronger and cooler than everybody else. BRAUN’S GOT A VCR AND A PLAN, Y’ALL.
The match is fun, too. Owens is severely out-gunned AND injured from the previous night’s match of frog splashes through tables and backwards collapsing through chair pyramids, but is still actively fighting. He manages to hang with Braun for a few minutes, using his veteran know-how and thicc Canadian dad bod to get in some offense. Then, of course, this happens:
Sneaky snake Roman Reigns interferes, Superman punching Braun to cause a disqualification. He then clotheslines him to the outside, spears him off the steps, then slides back in to spear Owens as well, because Roman Reigns.
As a fan I might not like this happening or how obvious of a non-finish it was (especially after Jericho got taken out), but I appreciate them (1) having Roman do the same thing I just complimented Braun for, which is getting in and getting out without a lot of bullshit, and (2) continuing to tell the point-to-point story they’re trying to tell with Strowman and Reigns. Strowman tried to get in the face of Reigns and Goldberg and got double-speared. So he wants revenge on Roman, and smartly picked the championship match at Royal Rumble to get it because it’d hurt Roman physically, screw him over professionally AND help Owens to set up Braun’s promised title opportunity. Roman could’ve ran out and attacked Strowman in the Royal Rumble, but Strowman got eliminated before Roman got out there, so it’s fine. Now Braun’s got this title shot, and Roman can Goose For Gander him or whatever. Not only does Roman get his physical revenge, he gets the psychological professional revenge of dicking Braun out of the same thing Braun dicked him out of on Sunday. Perfectly logical storytelling between a bunch of irrational screamy guys who won’t stop running at each other.
Worst: Challenger Has Pinned The Champion!
You knew this was going to be a talking point. They did it twice in this episode. Hell, they’ve even started doing it on pay-per-views.
“Sami Zayn’s knocked off the United States Champion!”
Up first (starting the show, long before Strowman starts chokeslamming folks through tables) is Samuel “Screech” Zayn taking on Chris Jericho, who has christened himself the — these hashtags are necessary — #61MinuteMan and the #greatestofalltime. Both men spent a lot of time in the Rumble on Sunday night, so it was evenly matched. It’d be a lot better in my brain the next day if it hadn’t been a challenger pinning a champion to set up a match where the drama is “can the challenger pin the champion.”
I’ll never understand it, especially when it’s used so, so much. It’d be like a restaurant saying, “here’s a giant cheeseburger with a side of fries for free. Now that you’re done eating, would you like to pay ten dollars to eat another one?” And you might say, yeah, that was a good-ass cheeseburger, but at some point you’re fucking full and tired of eating fucking cheeseburgers.
“Bayley’s pinned the Women’s Champion!”
Raw built up the Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair feud by having Sasha pin Charlotte on Raw, building to Charlotte pinning Sasha on pay-per-view. They liked it so much they did it three times in a row. After that, they decided to build up Bayley vs. Charlotte by having Bayley pin Charlotte on Raw, building to Charlotte pinning Bayley on pay-per-view. Now that that’s over, here’s Bayley pinning Charlotte on Raw. It sounds even worse when I don’t pepper it with jokes, right?
A quick supplemental Best for Charlotte leading The Club while we wait for Finn Bálor to get bétter. Sweet 16 could be unexpectedly dope, even if they’re just around to interrupt babyfaces by standing shoulder-to-shoulder with them and calling them names in backstage segments written by middle school students.
Worst: Nobody Gets Over
A week after making his Raw debut as a progressive, exciting new face in the cruiserweight division, Mustafa Ali loses in just a couple of minutes to Tony Nese, a guy who up until now has been (1) a fake Neville who got easily removed by Actual Neville, and (2) the second-most important cardboard cutout heel in a tag team that almost always loses. Nese wins with a running knee in the corner, which better be called, “Tony Knees.”
After the match, Austin Aries pulls Nese aside and points out that he’s got “clearance rack charisma” and that trying to have a conversation with him is as interesting as trying to talk to an “actual washboard.” Nese responds by standing there with his hands on his hips making faces, and not doing anything to argue the statements. “Simply put, Tony Nese gives you nothing!”
So the guy who debuted last week loses, and the guy who might’ve gained something by beating him gets thrown under the bus. The cruiserweight division, everybody. Only on Raw! And that other show, and sometimes NXT!
Best: Trumpet Of The Swann
The other (better) cruiserweight content of the night is the “coronation” of Neville as the King of the Cruiserweights, which is just him cutting another promo like Phil Hartman doing Admiral James Stockdale. I like that the only way to control his accent is to get him to growl-scream everything he says. Saying anything in New Neville Voice is fun. “AH’D LAHK SOME CHICKEN TENDAHS!”
What I liked about this segment is that Swann interrupted Neville for the right reason. Neville beat him straight up at Royal Rumble, so Swann wanted to acknowledge that even though Nev’s been acting like a dick, he’s one of the best in the business and deserves respect. He even tries to shake his hand, and Neville’s like I’M THE KING, YOU KNEEL BEFORE KINGS. Even then with that level of disrespect, Swann just tries to wave it off and leave. Neville attacks him, so Swann fires up and kicks his ass. You’re probably doing it with the wrong characters in the wrong division in front of the wrong crowd with no build or rhyme or reason, but that’s how you do a damn heel/babyface interaction.
More on how not to do it later, when Seth Rollins insinuates he’s gonna beat up little girls.
Worst: No Emmalina Video?
Is she no longer premiering soon? How amazing would it be if they just started over and aired these clips for three months on Smackdown?
Best: Nia Jax Flinging People Into Ring Posts Via Full Nelson
That is so awesome. Also great: Nia using her size to add what basically amounts to a camel clutch STF to her moveset and bending Sasha Banks in half with it.
Worst: This Actual Thing, Though
To follow up Banks getting squashed by Jax on the Royal Rumble kickoff show, Sasha Banks dyes her hair purpler and gets squashed by Jax on Raw. To make matters even weirder, the timekeeper rings the bell before Sasha’s given up, and before Nia’s even got the move locked in. I guess they mistook referee Seth Meyers’ finger gun at Sasha for a call for the bell? I dunno.
After that, Nia leaves the move locked in until Bayley charges the ring and … does nothing, really. Cameras follow Sasha as she’s helped to the back, because Sasha Banks’ character is officially Nordberg from The Naked Gun. Bayley’s gonna be granting Make-a-Wish requests from her pretty soon.
Best: HANDSOME RUSEV
So happy that name is sticking, especially now that he’s basically the Bulgarian Dashing Cody Rhodes. I’m also hoping that Enzo and Cass getting a strong, clean tag team win over Rusev and Jinder with Enzo pinning Rusev means this feud is officially over, Enzo and Cass can go on to feud with The Club for the Tag Team Championship in at least a MILDLY fresh match-up, and Rusev can do literally anything else.
Best: Yeah, But
There isn’t much to say about it because we’ve been expecting it since like October, but Brock Lesnar has officially challenged Bill Goldberg to one final match at WrestleMania 33. He’s hoping to preserve his legacy against the guy who beat him over a decade ago and shooed him out of the company, beat him in less than a minute and a half at Survivor Series last year, and eliminated him from the Royal Rumble in 20 seconds on Sunday.
Heyman’s promo is great, but how the hell is Lesnar going to get proper legacy-restoring revenge for all that? Unless WrestleMania ends with Lesnar eating neck meat from the undercarriage of Goldberg’s severed head, I can’t see it equaling out. Also, what’re the chances they bring in Stone Cold Steve Austin to be the special guest referee again and just end the feud with Austin stunnering them both again?
Worst: Babyface Seth Rollins
Man, I hate it when the heels are right.
The problem with Seth Rollins, moreso even than WWE babyfaces in general, is that he’s incapable of human emotions. His promo against Stephanie McMahon is a greatest hits of “getting under Triple H’s skin,” from “Stephanie, you can’t satisfy your husband!” to “Stephanie keeps Triple H’s balls in her PURSE!” He even goes the Paul Heyman route of bringing Stephanie and Hunter’s daughters into it, which works when you’re the sniveling advocate for a monster who may literally eat children and needs to get his ass kicked. When you’re Seth, it just kinda sounds like you didn’t get what you want so you’re gonna go to Triple H’s house and get weird with his kids.
And the problem on top of that is that he heels in this situation are right. Rollins isn’t a valiant, fun-loving babyface or whatever. He’s the same guy he was when he was in The Authority, he just doesn’t have their blessing anymore. It’s an extension of The Authority’s least favorite thing about their employees, the, “we gave you the ball and you DROPPED IT” thing. They made it clear that Roman Reigns was the guy they wanted out of the Shield, Seth’s just the one who was cowardly enough to turn on his brothers to advance his career. He did, so the Authority handed him everything, and he just sniveled and ran and cried and complained about everything. Then he hurt himself in a match and missed a year. The only thing that bothered him is when Stephanie and Trips decided to move on with their damn lives and support another guy, trying at first again with Roman and eventually settling on Kevin Owens. Rollins has never seemed sad about breaking up The Shield. He’s never apologized for it, or shown remorse. He’s just mad that he’s not getting what he wants, because that’s what he was used to. He’s still that heel. He’s still a cowardly prick, threatening to shut down NXT if he doesn’t get his way, threatening to literally go to Triple H’s house and attack his family if he doesn’t what, get a match with the guy who caused him to lose a different match? Get a grip, dude.
Stephanie’s not spouting heel rhetoric, either. She’s just pointing out what happened. And while I don’t think she should be in the right because she’s supposed to be the heel and Seth’s supposed to be the face, she IS, and so it is what it is. It gets even worse when Father NXT shows up and explains it further.
Like, just to clarify, I HATE that Triple H seems reasonable and correct here. I think it’s ass-backwards for what they’re trying to accomplish, unless what they’re trying to accomplish is, “you should all be grateful to Triple H, the man who simultaneously plays the biggest heel in the company and the evil corporate overlord but in real life books the best show and gives all the wrestlers you like opportunities.” I hate that he’s right. I hate that when he said Daniel Bryan couldn’t handle the pressure of being WWE Champion, Daniel Bryan immediately got hurt and had to give up the championship, and then retire. I hate that when H is like, “I’m trying not to be the guy who shows up and takes all the spots and buries people, but Seth Rollins won’t leave me alone, and now his personal shit is ruining the part of the business we all actually like,” he’s right. Seth kinda needs to get his ass kicked. And yeah, Trips has ducked him since helping Owens win the Universal Championship, but Rollins has gotten a CRAP LOAD of opportunities since then, and Trips has shit to do, man.
Even the overtly obvious bad guy stuff like his music playing to distract Rollins in that Sami Zayn Royal Rumble qualifier thing can kinda be put on Seth. Seth’s the one who got obsessed and all tunnel-vision and lost his focus, and the match. And H probably wouldn’t have done that if Rollins hadn’t spent the past several months calling him out every week.
What I’m getting at is that I see where WWE wants the heel and face lines to be, even if they’re blurred, and I know them, even if my fun contrarian writing gimmick sounds like I don’t. I get it. I just think there’s too much around it, piled on top of it, to validate it. Vince McMahon is apparently terrible at creating characters with decent human traits, so you just have to pick the self-obsessed a-hole you identify with the most who’s been around the longest.
So, all that said, let’s happily clap our hands for the Raw debut of THE DESTROYER, Samoa Joe, rocking his outfit from the “let’s see what you can do” match in WWE 2K17 career mode. Joe shows up for a fight and just WRECKS Rollins, bodying him to the ground and choking him out. Joe is the best.
I hope he’s not just here to be the guy Rollins beats at Fast Lane to get his match with Triple H, but there are ways to do that and salvage Joe’s aura. I’d go an easier route, but hey, dude’s getting brought up for a main-event program right before WrestleMania. There are worse ways to celebrate 17 years in the business. He could’ve ran in on Roderick Strong vs. Cien Almas, you know?
Join us next week when Christopher Daniels debuts, winning the Cruiserweight Championship, probably. And Kurt Angle’s going in the Hall of Fame! The dream of 2005 TNA is alive in 2017 WWE.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
The Real Birdman
3+ hours of mostly crap. 5 minutes of Samoa Joe murdering.
Well played WWE
AddMayne
Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, you go and do something like this. AND TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF
FeltLuke
It is so weird that HHH and Stephanie seem to have such a great mind and passion for the business right up until they have to be characters.
Harry Longabaugh
Enzo and Cass entrances are like Dennis Miller’s MNF commentary, only instead of needing to consult an encyclopedia to understand it you cross reference Bazooka Joe wrappers.
PhilBallins
I’m pretty sure Big Cass is exactly what an Edge Stretch Armstrong would look like.
ccxxii
A threesome involves three people.
A twosome involves two people.
A handsome is just Rusev.
addn2x
Heyman and Lesnar are now the Jay and Silent Bob of WWE
Mr. Bliss
Goldberg is Eli, Brock is Brady, got it.
pdragon
Wow, he has both Braun AND brains!
Full Nelson Reilly
Sure, Jericho is banged up from his epic Rumble run. But any man with two scarves has a fighting chance.
That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading, everybody. And if you don’t get that Roddy Piper screencap joke, please catch up with the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro. It’s also a great resource for lots of “repeating the mistakes of the past” triggers, if you aren’t tired of that constantly happening in real life.
