Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Bill Goldberg returned in his favorite Affliction jacket to scream in people’s faces about what a bad-ass he is and spear Braun Strowman. Also, Sami Zayn died to make that moment 1% more impressive for people who didn’t need it.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 9, 2017.
Worst: Monday Night Raw Comma Stephanie McMahon
Two notes here:
1. This is the last “we’re up against football, don’t do anything” Raw of the season, which hopefully means Triple H will saunter back in next week and the show will find its legs. There’s nothing worse in the goddamn world than three hours of a WWE show WWE doesn’t expect to get good ratings. They mail it in so hard it makes post offices across the country spontaneously combust. Shout-out to Triple H for still playing the game in 2017 and sitting out all the Raws he’s expecting to get low numbers. Nobody ever figured out the business like that guy.
2. I’ve said this a lot, but it’s the theme of this week’s episode so it needs to be said again: Despite being one of the most naturally gifted and talented performers on the show, sometimes Stephanie McMahon gets a stick covered in bugs up her ass and devotes one minute to three hours-plus of WWE TV time to making sure she undercuts every potentially important character on the show and completely scoops out their genitalia to remind the audience that she is in charge and only she makes important decisions and you’d better talk to her with respect or she’s going to fire you and also put you in matches and shut up is what. Situationally it works, but when she’s just broadly heeling into the wind, it gets insanely counter-productive and hurts the entire process.
The show opens with her once again burying Mick Foley for not doing the kayfabe things she wants, having a brain that doesn’t work anymore and being an unsatisfactory subordinate despite all that shit during the brand split about them being equals on the same team. Mick is out here changing something about himself every week, trying to fit in. Make fun of his clothes? He’ll wear something different. Make fun of his hair? Whoops, he got a haircut. Make fun of his haircut? NEW HAIRCUT. He wrote the name of the city on his hand! Let’s remind everyone of how he’s regularly unable to do his job!
Braun Strowman barges in demanding Goldberg or Roman Reigns, for making him look like a chump at the end of last week’s show. Seth Rollins shows up and gets in his face, and they brawl. As this is going on, Stephanie gets in the center of the frame and yells about BOTH OF THEM about how if they don’t get out of her office right now they’ll be fired. Remember when Stephanie was going to fire her entire Survivor Series team?
Later in the show, she brings Foley out to the middle of the ring and buries him again for not being able to produce the Undertaker. The Undertaker DOES show up, so Stephanie got to publicly burn Foley twice for not being able to do a thing that happened. Oh, and let’s not even get started on the backstage women’s segment, where Stephanie towered over Sasha Banks and Bayley, told Sasha Banks that ONLY STEPHANIE MCMAHON IS THE ACTUAL BOSS and got to cockily stare down the two most popular faces of the women’s division and make them look worthless. Think this is going to lead to Sasha or Bayley throwing hands with her? Remember when Stephanie gutted both the heel and the face in a totally unrelated AJ Lee vs. Kaitlyn feud? And then stuck around to gut an unrelated row of Divas?
The worst part of the Stephanie reign of terror is that there’s never, ever a payoff for it. If she feuds with Brie Bella, she ends up turning Nikki against Brie and winning the feud. If she feuds with anybody else, she just defeats them professionally and socially every week until WrestleMania, where she maybe gets speared by Roman Reigns or thrown around by Ronda Rousey, which is either a total accident or an isolated incident. Maybe Sasha will beat her ass in a street fight at WrestleMania.
Maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt, I don’t know.
Worst: Finally, A Fresh Match-Up!
Because Roman Reigns is only allowed to face Kevin Owens or Chris Jericho, Stephanie McMahon puts him in a handicap match against Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho. We can’t create any compelling, tough heel adversaries for these unstoppable babyfaces, so just like Kevin Owens not being able to win the Universal Championship without Triple H handing it to him, Chris Jericho can’t win the United States Championship without Kevin Owens handing it to him.
Anyway, the match is ruined almost immediately by Braun Strowman, who, we must reiterate, WANTS ROMAN REIGNS OR GOLDBERG OR ELSE. Strowman, Owens and Jericho put the boots to Reigns and “severely injure him” until Rollins runs out and makes the save. Reigns recovers from his significant injuries in about 15 seconds of floor time to slide back in with a chair and participate in making a save for himself. This leads to Rollins vs. Strowman.
Best: Good Matches With Bad Finishes
That should be the formal subtitle for Raw every week. WWE Monday Night Raw: Good Matches With Bad Finishes.
I loved the previous Rollins and Strowman interaction, mentioning that Rollins kinda does the scrappy Sami Zayn babyface offense against a giant heel monster stuff better than Zayn. Zayn just stands there making exasperated faces and getting beaten down. Rollins actually fights. Then last week they had Zayn nut up and start actually fighting, and it got way better. This week, they’re doing an extended version of Rollins vs. Strowman without Zayn’s interference, and it’s kinda low-key fantastic until the finish.
Because WWE has to book matches to pique interest but doesn’t have the guts to actually make a decision and book real finishes for interesting matches, they have Strowman beat up Rollins at ringside until they’re both counted out. Strowman is clearly making an effort to drag Rollins back into the ring as the ref is counting them out, which always annoys me. You’ve gotta give them a few “GET BACK IN THE RING” shouts between numbers. But yeah, after the count-out Rollins is able to recover and scare Strowman away with a chair, because the phrase, “none of this matters,” surrounded by flashing lights and an orchestra playing the Price is Right loser horn.
The match was good, though.
Worst: “Look At Drew Gallagher!”
Leave it up to Gulak to make even Jack Gallagher seem boring.
I’ll probably never figure out why WWE ran a critically-acclaimed cruiserweight tournament in front of a familiar and very specific-in-their-tastes Full Sail crowd, moved the cruiserweight division to Raw without that crowd or any of the stuff that made the tournament acclaimed, and decided to air a cruiserweights-only show after Smackdown instead of Raw. What’s the opposite of synergy? This is that.
Worst: Who’s Up For Another Hoe-ski Angle
Backstage, “Bad At Jackets” Noam Dar is looking in a mirror trying to figure out how to zip up his dress shirt when Alicia Fox shows up, kisses him, then asserts that “Cedric was right,” and that Dar can’t handle a real woman. Now there’s somehow a higher-than-mathematically-possible 101% chance of Fox turning on Cedric.
Best: KILL EVERYONE
As always, the best part of the cruiserweight division and its programming is Neville, who beats the cat-shit out of Lince Dorado and taps him out to a Rings of Saturn with a facelock. Now Neville finally has a finish that won’t pop the crowd, which he needs if he’s going to truly stop being a fan favorite and murder everyone who hasn’t.
After the match, Rich Swann runs out to make the save. “Here comes the Calvary!” says Michael Cole, who is paid to talk for a living. Swann’s super fired up and manages to believably fight Neville off, despite Nev having the musculature of about 5 Rich Swanns. Swann vs. Neville should be very good if they wrestle the kind of match that showcases what they’re good at, and if they aren’t forced into TJ Perkins and Brian Kendrick-shaped holes in WWE’s booking plans.
Best: JBL Doesn’t Call Raw Anymore So We Didn’t Have To Hear Him Scream H-B-SHIZZLE For 20 Minutes
If you want proof that God exists, there’s that.
Best: Rusev
So Shawn Michaels shows up before a Royal Rumble in San Antonio and declares … uh, that he’s starring in a Christian rom-com and that we should go see it “in theaters,” causing Kirk Cameron to violently flip through a newspaper looking for movie times. You know he still does it like that. The movie is The Resurrection of Gavin Stone. Gavin will move on to face Jake the Snake in the resurrection finals, with the winner moving on to face Jesus.
Anyway, Rusev, Lana and Jinder Mahal (who is so jacked he’s started looking like a character from 3D Ballz) interrupt. Rusev loves showing up to put legends over. Remember when he argued with The Rock and everyone thought it was the first step in him becoming a huge star? It’s two years later and he’s still the unimportant guy who shows up to take nostalgia finishers from important guys.
I’m giving Rusev a Best, though, because he’s amazing. He wants Shawn Michaels to put Lana in his movie, even though the movie’s already finished and about to be released. “YOU CAN DO JUST LIKE THAT BAD MOVIE STAR WARS DID, USE YOUR STUPID CGI, AND PUT MY WIFE IN DAT MOVIE.” I want a followup segment where Rusev throws five loaves of bread and two fishes at him.
+1 to Shawn Michaels for shilling a Christian movie by telling people to suck his dick, though.
Worst: Jinder Mahal Took That East River Crossing Like I Took Most Of This Raw
I hope Rusev keeps beating up Enzo Amore every week until dude’s cutting Certified G Bonafide Stud promos through a Stephen Hawking voice synthesizer. Other than that, the only real notable things about the match are Shawn Michaels kicking Rusev without ever having to wrestle about it or get kicked back, and Jinder taking the East River Crossing like he’s Flair Flopping.
The Quantum Mechanics Paradox Of Emmalina
I figured it out. Emma’s new gimmick is that she’s Schrödinger’s Gimmick. She’s a superposition of states. During these vignettes we cannot know, so she’s simultaneously debuting and never debuting.
Best, But Worst: A Competently-Told But Obvious WWE Story
Last week, Cesaro and Karl Anderson wrestled. The match ended when Luke Gallows got on the apron, Sheamus tried to pull him down, a distraction occurred and Anderson was able to put Cesaro away with a neckbreaker off the ropes. This week, Sheamus wrestles Gallows, with Cesaro and Anderson bickering on commentary.
Near the end of the match, Anderson jumps Cesaro across the table and causes another distraction. Gallows is able to surprise Sheamus and almost pin him with a weak flapjack, which would’ve been hilarious. Because Gallows hit Sheamus with the power of a gentle pillow, Sheamus kicks out and the match continues. Cesaro ends up getting over on Anderson in their brawl, which comes back around and distracts GALLOWS, allowing Sheamus to hit a Brogue Kick and actually win the match. So last week the distraction worked, and this week it came back around and bit The Club in the ass. I hate stuff like this, but I have to point out that it’s at least competently told, and that they’re taking a slightly farther step each week to feed this rivalry. That’s something.
Of course, the ending to this story is just “The Club loses another Tag Team Championship match,” so whatever.
Worst, But Best: An NXT Redemption
Kudos to WWE for putting on a terrible segment that only me and my NXT game show love-hating ass could enjoy. New Day tells Titus O’Neil they’ll let him into the New Day if he can complete the goddamn Keg Carry challenge he botched way back in 2010 during NXT season 2.
From the Best and Worst of NXT Season 2 Episode 4:
Titus O’Neil finding a way to top [Michael] Tarver’s season 1 performance by not just dropping the keg, but falling directly on his fucking face in the process. He crashes and burns before he gets to the first ringpost, which makes his purple, homemade “make it a win” tee even sadder. He tries to save face in the post-run interview, but it mostly amounts to “HEY YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPEN RIGHT HURR.” Titus has gotten way better in the ring and way better on the microphone since this episode, but man, I cannot stress how epically pitiful he was.
Good to know that “way better in the ring and way better on the microphone” can be instantly reset by touching Vince McMahon’s arm at the wrong time. Really hoping they keep the NXT season 2 tribute angle going and bring back NXT color garbage men Alex Riley and Percy Watson to team with Titus and Curtis Axel to destroy the New Day. They warned us about the Genesis of McGillicutty!
Worst: The Women’s Tag Team Match Doesn’t End With Stephanie McMahon Putting All Four Of Them In The Steiner Recliner At The Same Time
For daring to talk to Stephanie, Bayley and an injured Sasha Banks are forced to team up against Charlotte and Nia Jax. Sasha’s bum leg takes her out of the match, leaving Bayley in there to hang with the Women’s Champion and the division’s monster. This would’ve been a great fighting-from-underneath babyface rub for Bayley if they hadn’t also ended the show with a handicap match, and had the two top male heels on the show have to almost literally move heaven and earth to win.
So yeah, about that.
Best/Worst: Shut Up, Nothing Is Obvious!
I wanted to write a big rant about this, but the homie Rusev already beat me to it.
Big congrats to Jericho. after 17000 matches against Roman he finally won the us championship. Not like anybody else had a chance.
— Miro (@ToBeMiro) January 10, 2017
Jericho becomes the United States Champion right before Roman Reigns is supposed to get a shot at Universal Champion Kevin Owens. Reigns proved that Jericho couldn’t beat him like half a dozen times, and we’ve had it reinforced that neither Jericho nor Owens can win matches without blatant, comical interference from the other, so it takes multiple finishers including an apron powerbomb and a prolonged attack from two men in a 2-on-1 scenario only a couple of hours after Reigns had been beaten down by THREE men to give them the victory.
Now the path is clear for Reigns to win the championship at the Rumble and set up whatever championship match he’s doing at WrestleMania Sun. I say “whatever championship match,” because …
The Undertaker has announced that he’s entering the Royal Rumble match. The Rumble is always kind of unpredictable, especially when the Internet figures out the predictable winner and WWE creative slash Vince McMahon get worried and change it to something ridiculous at the last minute, so maybe I’m jumping the gun, but there’s no way Undertaker enters that and loses, is there? And John Cena’s winning back the WWE Championship at the Rumble and getting challenged for the Mania main event, right? Undertaker said he was Smackdown ride or die, so even if he’s on Raw making this announcement, he’s challenging for the strap that actually means something.
This all seems to 2 + 2 = 4 that I can’t even see them switching it up. And then Owens can beat Jericho for the U.S. title and send him off to a Fozzy tour, and if Rollins fights H, who challenges Roman? Strowman? Bruh, are we doing Braun Strowman in a title match at a WrestleMania? Maybe they’ll blow off Lesnar and Goldberg at Fastlane and do Reigns/Goldberg?
Gonna keep my fingers crossed that the obvious path isn’t the right one, and that there are still a few surprises in the tank. Although if WrestleMania is Seth Rollins vs. Chris Jericho and Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens I will crack the hell up. Also, I will crack. And possibly start smoking crack.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
ccxxii
At this point, why doesn’t New Day just show looped footage of Titus grabbing Vince’s arm?
Full Nelson Reilly
Don’t argue with Frat Bro Ref about keg-related sports.
Billy Boy
Smackdown’s writers must watch this shit, laugh, and go to bed early.
The Real Birdman
I’m not sure how, but I feel like Derrick Bateman got screwed here
Nevers
If I say Bootyjuice 3 times can I make this go away?
Lester
If… if they let Titus finally use his Redemption Points to buy a spot on The New Day… I will never complain about Raw again
Amaterasu’s Son
Sasha Banks: Unlocked the Achievement: “Bionic Boss” for equipping Stone Cold’s Knee brace in a match.
Mark Silletti
*Taker spends 12 minutes on his entrance*
“Go fuck yourself.”
*exits*
Captain Fram
*GONG* Emmalina walks out
Taylor Swish
Enzo believes he’s a certified G and a bonafide stud, and you can’t teach that. HBK believes in creationism, and you can’t teach that.
That’s it for this week. Thank you all again so much for reading. Be sure to drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of the show, and hit those share buttons. If you don’t, I WILL FIRE YOU, I SWEAR, I CAN DO THAT.
