Previously on the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War: Ahmed Johnson turned heel, got into one (1) fight and hurt himself for a year. Dan Severn debuted on commentary, Thomas ‘Hitman’ Hearns beat up pro wrestlers, and the future Too Cool met for the first time. It was a great episode if you don’t really like wrestling!
If you haven’t seen this episode, you can watch it on WWE Network here. Check out all the episodes you may have missed at the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War and Best and Worst of WWF Monday Night Raw tag pages. Follow along with the competition here.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War for June 30, 1997.
Best/Worst: Two Important First Appearances
This week’s historical hook is the first mentions of not one, but TWO important WWE characters who’d go on to spend 20 uninterrupted years with the company. If you read the headline, you know the first one.
Last week’s War Zone (which is completely different from Raw Is War) ended with Paul Bearer getting pissed at the Undertaker and swearing to reveal the deep, dark secret that he’d been using to blackmail him for the last month. The secret? That the Undertaker was a demon seed who burned down his family’s funeral home, killing his mother, father and little brother. His little brother Kane.
It’s such a contentious moment that a “Creature of the Night” charges out of the crowd and shoots a double-leg … well, a double-ankle, on Paul. How dare you threaten Siouxsie Sioux’s favorite wrestler!
The fact that it’s still included on the Network, it only takes one little security guy to drag her away and Vince McMahon tells him to “take it easy” on her, it’s safe to say it was a plant. Maybe it was the UNDERTAKER’S SISTER, who has been an Internet rumor since at least the summer of ’97.
Anyway, Paul tells the most hilariously folksy story about the family to make it feel real, so I’ve included the entire thing below. Highlights include Paul as a young mortician’s apprentice going to night school, the Undertaker and Kane stealing chemicals and smoking cigarettes behind the family garage, and a family-owned funeral home up on a hill surrounded by oak trees in, uh, Death Valley, I guess? He says Kane’s name was Kane but only refers to the child version of the Undertaker as “The Undertaker,” which confirms that some fucked up desert hill mortician named his first born son “The Undertaker.” The promo ends with Paul screaming MURDERER~! over and over, insisting that Taker is a, and I quote, “god damn murderer.”
Distraught by the accusations of the nefarious PAW BEAR, Undertaker confirms the funeral home fire but adds his point of view. According to this God Damn Murderer, it was actually Kane who burned down the funeral home by playing with chemicals, but he feels responsibility for the fire anyway because he should’ve been watching Kane. This event set Taker down the path to the dark side which, if I’m remembering my WWE canon correctly, involves him becoming an undead wizard thanks to the ritualistic cult sacrifice of three little girls? I feel like that’s way worse than “my family accidentally died because I was an idiot.”
Anyway, more on this story a little later. We have to get to the other important debut of the week, featuring someone way more terrifying than a 7-foot tall fire demon.
OH MY.
Yes, that scarecrow in his dad’s suit is Vintage Michael Cole, making his first appearance on Raw, the show he’s been calling for the past 10 years. He called Smackdown for 10 years before that. Here he’s a mild-mannered backstage interviewer, cuing Road Warrior Hawk to deliver the Michael Cole of insults to the Nation: “You’re gonna be the equivalent of a large pile of steaming bat guano and other small animal excrement!” Even Hawk’s “what a rush” sounds kinda depressed after that.
Sorry, everyone.
Best: The SummerSlam Million Dollar Challenge
Sunny shows up with five dollars stuffed between her boobs to announce the SummerSlam “Million Dollar Challenge,” one of the most spectacularly bad segments in the history of WWE pay-per-view. I can’t wait to get to it. If you remember Mr. McMahon’s Million Dollar Mania, imagine that with even less planning and no intention to ever give anyone any money.
The idea is that you’re supposed to watch the shows leading up to SummerSlam and put together a bunch of “clues.” This week’s clue is a video saying THE FIRST CLUE IS THE PHRASE, “THE KEY,” so it’s more of an Orphan Annie Secret Society decoder pin situation. If you put together the clues, you could win a trip to SummerSlam and a chance to open a … casket full of money? No idea. You could also win the chance to be randomly selected to win a prize via telephone, which goes exactly as well as you’d think.
The other highlight is this spectacular juxtaposition of Sunny and a random fan, which I’ve chronicled in a GIF I like to call “expectations vs. reality.”
It also works really well if you imagine 2017 Sunny traveled back in time to cheer herself on.
Later in the episode, a commercial for Raw magazine says that crack sports-entertainment paparazzi capture a SECRET BEACH LIAISON between Sunny and Brian Pillman, and buying the magazine is the only way to see the exclusive photos. I mean, other than the several they show us in this commercial. Judging by the pictures, it looks like Sunny’s giving Pillman advice on what to do when your Daisy Dukes ride up into your vagina.
I love that they tried to get over “Sunny and Brian Pillman hung out on a beach together” as a mystery on the same episode featuring Paul Bearer’s THIS WRESTLER KILLED HIS FAMILY WITH FIRE story. I never read this magazine and the story doesn’t go anywhere, so one of them was buying drugs from the other, right?
This Week In GANG WARZ
We get an update from Ahmed Johnson, who as you’ll recall tried to judo throw a white supremacist during his first ever segment as a heel and put himself on the shelf for a year. The ultimate irony is that Ahmed blew out his knee the first week he didn’t cover his body in kneepads.
He assures us that he’s still an effective heel, and that when his knee is better, he’s going to take out the Undertaker. Sure thing, buddy. He cuts the promo lying on his back in an open hospital gown that makes the whole thing feel like you’re watching a Ray Harryhausen creation fall over and die.
The remaining members of the Nation cut an in-ring promo where they complain about Vader getting Ahmed’s shot at the Undertaker at Canadian Stampede because he’s white, and saying The Undertaker sent the Disciples of Apocalypse to injure Ahmed. If you’re looking for a kayfabe reason why Undertaker started riding a motorcycle a few years later, there you go.
The next step in WWF’s completely socially okay RACIALLY-SEGREGATED GANG WARS, the Nation of Domination (the black guy team) is interrupted by Savio Vega and Los Boricuas, a Puerto Rican guy team. Basically they look and wrestle like if Konnan had split into four guys, and each guy could only be 1/4 as good as fucking Konnan. They brawl, but the brawl is interrupted by the DOA, the white guy team, who the crowd LOVES for REASONS that are DEFINITELY NOT THAT THEY ARE THE WHITE GUY TEAM.
If you’re wondering where the Asian guy team is, don’t worry, they show up in 1998. They want to “choppy choppy your pee-pee,” because Vince McMahon couldn’t get Coca-Cola to sponsor Raw and finish that joke.
Sorry.
Worst: Seven Terrible Finishes In A Row
I don’t mean to “lightning round” the entire rest of the show, but six of seven matches had a screwy finish, and the seventh basically ignored its finish for an embarrassing post-match attack. It’s like this was the week Vince McMahon said, “okay, Vince Russo, do whatever you want,” and Russo did that thing where he’s great in small doses and a nightmare in long-form. Sorry if the remainder of the column is me typing “this sucked” seven times.
Up first is Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Ken Shamrock, which ends about four minutes in when Mankind shows up and distracts Helmsley, giving Shamrock the win.
That comes back around later in the show, when Mankind takes on Brian Pillman, and that ends with (1) Chyna distracting the referee, (2) Triple H trying to hit Mankind with an extremely cushioned chair — where were you in Mankind’s match last week, comfy chair — and hitting Pillman instead, and (3) Mankind following Helmsley and Chyna up the ramp and getting counted out. After avoiding interference and causing the other guy to get hit with a chair. Sure.
Remember the Legion of Doom and their extremely grown-up promise to turn the Nation of Domination into a heap of opossum poopies and other assorted stinky doo-doos? They lose to the Nation of Domination when the Godwinns sneak in behind the referee’s back and brain Hawk with a bucket. The excrementers have become the excremented!
The strange highlight here is that sign in the front row. If you can’t read it, it says VOTE JEREMY BORASH MARCONI 97. Yes, that’s a reference to future Impact Wrestling announcer Jeremy Borash who, according to Wikipedia, “became the youngest person ever nominated for radio’s prestigious Marconi Award for Broadcasting as America’s Small Market Personality of the Year in 1996.” And it’s not even him holding it up! How strange is it that Michael Cole debuted on Raw interviewing the Legion of Doom, and then their match on that same show had a giant JEREMY BORASH sign in the background? This Raw is predicting the future, man.
Now I’m suddenly really worried about Sunny being that close to a coffin full of money. IT’S A TRAP, TAMMY.
Anyway, back to the screwjob finishes, because as I said, there are seven of them.
The next one occurs during the light heavyweight match between barely light-heavyweight Brian Christopher and definitely not light-anything Scott Putski. Jerry Lawler is now claiming to be Brian Christopher’s “mentor,” so he sits in on commentary for the match to deliver timeless ethnically-insensitive classics like, how “a Polack would bring a spoon to the Super Bowl.”
Putski loses the match when Lawler trips him up during a powerslam. Which makes geological sense because Scott Putski’s made of loosely assembled rocks. Touching his foot is like removing one from the bottom of the pile. The whole thing just collapses.
The only match on the show that doesn’t technically end with interference of some kind is Owen Hart and the British Bulldog defeating the Headbangers. The second it’s over, though, Jim Cornette shows up on the stage for some reason and announces a team that “didn’t make it to the WWF in time for the tournament.” That team is The Arabian Butchers, making their one (1) appearance ever on Raw.
You may now the Butchers better as legendary garbage match team The Headhunters, or by their individual names, Headhunter A and Headhunter B. Hey, what did the Mexican anthropologist name his two kids? Jose and Headhunter B. You may also know them from their appearance in the filler-ass 1996 Royal Rumble, where they were the “Squat Team.” “Squat Teamer #1” and “Squat Teamer #2.” I’m guessing they were named that because they didn’t do squat.
Normally when a big tough new team shows up, they demolish whoever’s in the ring and maybe scream at the hard cam, and the announce team puts them over. Here, they enter an absolutely aimless, slow three-team punch brawl with the Headbangers and Owen and Bulldog. Bulldog slams one of them before he leaves, instantly demystifying them. With Owen and Bulldog gone, the Headbangers actually beat up the new team, and the Arabian Butchers only get the upper hand when Cornette gets in the ring and distracts the other team. Seriously, these 400 pound death match dudes needed help from an aging Baptist mama’s boy to help them get the upper hand on MOSH AND THRASHER.
Eventually the Butchers hit a pair of sloppy top rope finishers, which might look devastating had they not spent the previous several minutes getting their asses handed to them by a lower mid-card team that just lost, and if they didn’t have to pull up their pants after every move. Seriously, if you’re making the Arabian Butchers in 2K17, give them “pull up my pants” as a strong grapple and “try to stuff my tits back into my tank top” as their special.
Vader is supposed to face the Undertaker for the WWF Championship in six days at Canadian Stampede, right? Here, Vader wrestles Rockabilly for less than 30 seconds before the Undertaker storms out and starts slapping around Paw Bear. He demands that Paul tell the truth, and Paul says he IS telling the truth … because KANE TOLD HIM THE TRUTH. Kane is alive!
Vader shows up at the end to hit the Undertaker from behind and then RUNS AWAY. Kane, a possibly dead child we just found out about, has more heat than Vader right now. And that’s not even a joke about dying in a fire.
Finally, we manage to steal the magic from a 1997 Stone Cold Steve Austin match by having him face Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart, the guy who got destroyed with one punch by non-wrestler and non-One Punch Man Tommy Hearns last week, then having it go almost TEN MINUTES before an interference finish. Austin doesn’t even hit the Stunner before it happens. He’s just stomping Anvil at the nine minute mark when Bret Hart moseys out and causes a DQ.
From there, Bret stomps Austin a bit and puts him in a figure-four around the ring post. Before that image can sink in or Austin can be in any trouble, Mankind runs out and puts Bret Hart in the Mandible Claw. And before THAT image can sink in or we can contemplate whether or not Austin will appreciate Mankind trying to help him, Brian Pillman runs out and attacks Mankind. And before that image can sink in, Pillman is pushed away so Owen and Bulldog can hit Mankind with chairs as the show goes off the air.
I’m telling you, if you want the template for a creatively important and interesting Raw that is absolutely sank to shit by the laziest throwaway match booking ever, this is the one to watch. Brutal.
Next Week: Canadian Stampede happens, The Great Sasuke shows up for a hot minute, new number one contenders to the Tag Team Championship are named, and Stone Cold Steve Austin makes a promise for SummerSlam he probably really regrets making.
