Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Sami Zayn got hit in the face with an iPhone, Sasha Banks and Bayley accidentally pinned each other, Alicia Fox got got and Jack Swagger showed up to defend America against the ideals of peace and enlightenment. This week, half of those people aren’t on the show. WE GOT ROMAN, THO.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for September 19, 2016.
Worst: Enough With The Stephanie And Mick Foley Segments
I don’t have a list of grievances prepared to read on live TV or anything, but at the risk of dedicating another entire column to this being miserable, let me get it out of the way as early and as succinctly as possible: enough with the Stephanie McMahon and Mick Foley bickering GMs segments.
They don’t add anything to the show. They don’t. Stephanie appears to have zero motivation and is just a free-floating accusatory finger, wagging in the face of anybody who does anything. Mick Foley gets degraded a little more every week, out here looking like Hagrid and Ernest ‘The Cat’ Miller had a baby, standing up for Stephanie for no real reason in the face of very obvious heel mechanizations against random folks, including him. Having them establish a dynamic during the GM announcement only to spend almost 100% of their TV time arguing with each other in some passive-aggressive power struggle in a hierarchy of control so vague and undefined it feels like you’re treading water no matter what you do is not entertaining television. The acting is porn quality, Mick can’t seem to remember half of what he’s trying to say anyway, and all it does is substantiate WWE’s weird, eternal trend of boasting a 3-hour show and having neither the time nor the effort necessary to make 3 hours of content good.
If you watch these bits with people who don’t like wrestling, they’re either chuckling about how poorly done they are, or wondering aloud why they’re happening at all. If you’re watching this with anyone who follows the show and has the Internet, they’ve probably seen the Raw preview that announced the matches, so you don’t need to show a group of people living through a real-time flashback to set up the matches. Enough of this. Stephanie and Mick are both proven commodities who can contribute something good to your show, but not if the most compelling thing they’re asked to do is say they want to “beat Smackdown” without anyone understanding what that means.
Best/Worst: Rusev vs. Seth Rollins
A few notes here:
– Seth Rollins vs. Rusev is the first match on the show, because Monday Night Football starts like 15 minutes later and USA Network turns into a ghost town. It’s a good idea, especially considering that …
– The big selling point of the match (and the episode, honestly) is that Seth Rollins is suddenly super babyface. He’s fighting from underneath during the Rusev match, he’s got a high spot during the post-match — more on that in a minute — and he gets an even HIGHER spot at the end of the episode to save Roman Reigns. There’s a lot going on, which is both good and bad.
On the good side, we should’ve been cheering Rollins since he came back from injury. That was a given. Building him up as this passionate, hard-to-kill guy who busted his ass to get back from a career-threatening injury because he loves WWE so much only to have him IMMEDIATELY slip back into the cowardly, opportunistic heel who snidely hates everybody and only loves himself is the weirdest, wrongest decision WWE’s made all year. ESPECIALLY now that he’s on the show with Roman Reigns, another former Shield guy who is good at pretty much every aspect of wrestling but milquetoast as balls because he’s a square peg and WWE keeps trying to force him through a round hole.
On the bad side, doing two pay-per-views a month and really cramming a month and a half of WWE’s already way-too-rushed programming into three weeks makes everything feel frantically slapped together and fly-by-night. It’s like you’re watching the same episode of Lucha Underground six times in a row on fast forward. Matches, concepts, characters, tropes and finishes repeat and swirl together until everything feels like it’s moving too fast even though everybody’s standing still. It feels like Bayley just got here but now she’s teaming with Sasha again and now there’s a double-pin to set up a triple threat and now they’re upset at each other because tension and now Sasha’s gonna turn and now-
That’s how Rollins feels. He feels like he’s been frozen since his return, even when he’s competing for the Universal Championship and powerbombing people onto the DL, and now there’s a week before Clash of Champions and he’s facing a heel so whoops, now he’s super face. It’s the world’s most frustrating game of Red Light Green Light. ONETWOTHREE RED LIGHT. ONETWOTHREEREDLIGHT. WUHTUHTHRREDLIGHT. ONEREDLIGHT. You’re standing still and you’re falling over.
– The match is good, but it’s clear that both guys are holding back. The double count-out finish confirms that. Nobody likes that finish, but WWE wants to keep both guys strong for the Clash and I guess couldn’t think of a match other than one between the two guys who can’t afford to lose. Just don’t put them in a match together, you know?
– I like what they’re going for with Seth diving off the announce table onto Rusev, but Michael Cole kinda ruins it by referring to it as being, “perched high above the arena.” Bruh, that stage is two feet tall. It’s a cool visual, but don’t sell it like he’s diving off the Hell in a Cell. He’s just jumping off the top rope like 30 feet to the left of the ring.
Best: Dana Brooke Actually Watches The Show
If you missed it last week, Sasha Banks defeated Bayley and Dana Brooke in a triple threat by rolling up Bayley for three. The only problem was that Sasha’s shoulders were also down, and nobody seemed to want to acknowledge it. Charlotte (or Corey Graves, or ANYBODY) not immediately saying HEY WHAT ABOUT SASHA’S SHOULDERS made it feel like a mistake, rather than a booking decision.
Anyway, this week, Dana Brooke is backstage showing Mick Foley the video (and repeatedly counting to four, which we’re proud of her for) and demanding an explanation. Foley’s like, “hey, good point, now the match is a triple threat.” Instead of arguing that, you know, since Bayley and Sasha pinned each other and Dana was the only person NOT being pinned maybe she should be declared the winner, Charlotte gets mad and shoves Dana down boob-first. That’s harsh. Dana would be excellent at CinemaSins. [ding]
Best: DANA BROOKE IS ARN ANDERSON STILL
Dana and Charlotte face Sasha and Bayley in a tag team match, and while watching it I couldn’t help but think how good it would’ve been as an NXT weekly main event. Putting it in a smaller venue with a hotter crowd would’ve worked wonders, but it’s still pretty good on Raw.
I loved the finish, with Dana Brooke trying to redeem herself by smartly grabbing Charlotte’s ankle to keep her from being Bayley-to-Bellied. That confuses Bayley long enough for Charlotte to boot her in the face and win the match. There’s some dissension between Sasha and Bayley after the match, and man, it’s SO HARD to see Sasha and Bayley as established Raw characters and not be able to reference years of on-show history between them.
Sometimes I wish Raw understood the value of taking its time, not just to let story points settle, but to give us the fun sense of fellowship (and ownership, honestly) that comes from watching a character start at the bottom and work their way to the top. Bayley’s the purest babyface in the world, so having her get a match against Charlotte pretty much whenever she wants it feels like we’re missing some great storytelling opportunities. I guess that’s what happens when your division is four people with a six-person cap.
Best: Brawn Strongman Is Back!
Hey, why didn’t Sin Cara get one of those condescending pre-match interviews from Byron Saxton? It’s not like he’s much higher on the totem pole than Johnny Knockout.
One thing I want to note here is that the running powerslam is about a billion times better a finisher than the reverse chokeslam. Not only is it a better visual, it’s a move you can ACTUALLY DO TO SOMEONE, takes advantage of Braun’s size and weight AND gives him a move he can hit from anywhere. For example, mid-quebrada. Love it.
Enjoy hanging out with Neville in the Not Cruiserweight Division, Sin Cara!
Worst: Stephanie McMahon Still Doesn’t Know Why Triple H Attacked Seth Rollins
Sure, she’s probably just lying, but it’s hilarious that Stephanie still doesn’t have an answer as to why Triple H attacked Seth Rollins a month ago. I honestly hope she’s telling the truth, and that Triple H’s response when she asked was, “I’d love to explain it to you, but I’m running this badass cruiserweight tournament right now, gonna be in Orlando for the next month, talk to you after we bring ZACK SABRE JR. and KOTA IBUSHI to Raw!” And then when it ended, he wouldn’t explain it to her because he was depressed. And now he can’t explain it to her because he’s gotta take TJP out to dinner during Raw and listen to him go on and on about intersectional feminism.
Triple H: Sorry babe, I’ll tell you on Sunday at Clash of the Champions!
Seth: I think he means “night of champions”
Stephanie: do you mean “night of champions”
Triple H: No, the Clash of the Champions. Like WCW used to do.
Stephanie: Night of Champions.
Triple H: Clash of the Champions.
Stephanie: night of the champions
Triple H: CLASH OF THE CHAMPIONS STEPH. THE FLAIR AND STING TIME LIMIT DRAW. I BEAT THEM BOTH.
Stephanie: Clash of champions
Triple H: close enough
Seth: I still think that’s wrong
Triple H: and then in October we’re gonna do WAR GAMES!
Stephanie: “stairs match,” sounds great, talk to you later
Best: The Gary Graham Era Has Begun
Another week, another jobber squash for RHYME WETMAN. This week he faces Gary Graham, a cracker who looks like the love child of Desperado Joe Gomez and The Renegade. If you don’t get that reference, you need to start reading the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro. You’re missing a lot of timely Jim Duggan content.
Anyway, Graham kinda looks like 1995 Lionheart Chris Jericho traveled time, found a pair of Zack Ryder’s old tights and wandered into the middle of a Raw. That exposed thigh really helps with aerodynamics, you know. It’s another quick win for Bo after a Brother Abigail, and … well, that’s it, I guess. Bo still doesn’t have a story or a trajectory, but at least he’s beating the piss out of local talent! It worked for the Ascension. Everyone takes them seriously!
Note: Heath Slater is a beloved folk hero tag champ on Smackdown. Bo Dallas is winning every week on Raw. How bad do you think Curtis Axel feels right now?
Best: Surprise! Cesaro Won Match 6 To Force A Match 7
Cesaro and Sheamus square off in match 6 of their best-of-7 series a few days before Clash of (the) Champions and hole on a minnet playa, Cesaro manages to pull off another victory to force a match 7. In one of the most hilariously impotent GM decisions in wrestling history, Mick Foley’s on the phone after the match like, “yes, I’ve personally decided just now that match 7 will take place at CLASH OF CHAMPIONS,” and not at like, a Nebraska house show or whatever like I guess it had originally been scheduled. Way to think outside the box, Mick!
There isn’t much to say about the match, other than that it was as physical and mildly interesting as the others. The Sheamus/Cesaro series hasn’t produced any classics — nothing has touched their super underrated Night of Champions match from 2014 — but everything’s been pretty good, and “pretty good” is a better use for Raw mid-carders than the general alternative. The match at Clash could (and should) steal the show, as the only excuse for these guys to do 8 matches in a row (6 in the series, and the 2 that preceded it) is for the 9th to be absolutely balls-to-the-wall exceptional. Give them 25 minutes and tell them to pretend they’re in the Cruiserweight Classic.
Best: The LIST OF JERICHO
The return of 1998 Chris Jericho has been one of (if not THE) best things about 2016. He’s stolen Dana Brooke’s clipboard (apparently) and made a list of grievances about Commissioner Foley, and he brings it to the ring to read them all out-loud. He could’ve just read any Best and Worst of Raw column since the brand split, but I appreciate him showing his work. Grievances include, “terrible fashion sense, he looks ridiculous,” “has developed an affection for that human, happy-go-lucky leper Sami Zayn,” and, “is trying to drive a wedge between me and my best friend Kevin Owens, that’s not happening ever.” He even stops to point out a kid in the crowd, then declares that “braceface in row 12” has made the list. Somebody drop a beam on Fozzy’s tour bus so he has to stay on Raw forever.
One thing I couldn’t help but think during the segment, though: How much worse would legendary promos like 1,004 holds be if they had people chanting “what” though them?
Worst: And The Rest!
Jericho is interrupted by Enzo and Cass, who list off a bunch of best friends for some reason. I think, “you and Kevin Owens aren’t as good of friends as Ashton Kutcher and Danny Masterson” is probably the lamest insult I’ve ever heard. It makes “stupid idiot” sound like ‘Hit ‘Em Up.’ They’re all interrupted by the Shining Stars, who (gasp) want everyone to visit Puerto Rico and buy one of their time shares. THEY’RE all interrupted by the New Day, who openly admit that they’ve got nothing better to do. THEY’RE interrupted by The Club, who give New Day sh*t for not caring about losing to them, because I guess this is the first time they’ve ever seen a New Day segment. They’re all interrupted by the lighting rig coming lose and crushing everyone in the ring except Jericho.
But yeah, Sami Zayn runs out at the end and starts projecting Kevin Owens onto Jericho, setting up a 10-man tag featuring everybody. Was this on the schedule already, or did Mick and Stephanie have to sit back and wait for the numbers to even out, or how does this work?
Best: The Match
The match is a little quick and total filler, but everyone seems like they’re having fun. On Raws like this with cripplingly boring first hours, even this thrown-together stuff late in the show feels like an improvement. Plus, I’d rather them start wrestling than keep doing bad scripted improv at each other. “We’re the Tag Team Division, when the lights come up!”
One thing, though: Sami, the Frye/Takayama punching is for you and Kevin Owens. You can’t do that with other people. Jericho trying to do it, then giving up about halfway through is a good example of why. You’re just Charlie Kelly, using Alexandra Daddario to make the Waitress jealous.
Best: Eddie Guerrero
It’s easy to make a joke about WWE honoring Hispanic Heritage month by feeding Sin Cara to Braun Strowman and having the Puerto Rican guys as one-dimensional timeshare con-men, but I’ll skip all that to say I miss the sh*t out of Eddie Guerrero every day and I wish he was still here.
Worst: Mick Foley Is Excited About These Good Good Lucha Things
Let’s welcome Mick Foley into the Kalisto and Titus O’Neil Slammy Awards category for worst promo of the year.
Foley heads back to the ring to let everybody who didn’t watch the Cruiserweight Classic — read: most of the Raw viewing audience, sadly — how cool and important the cruiserweights are. That’s a great idea, but it comes across like that time you introduced your girlfriend to your grandpa and he tried to introduce her to everybody else.
“American author Mark Twain fi-famously said it’s not the SIZE of the dog in the fight, but the fight of this dog, size of the fight in the dog. What, I mess that up? It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog, I think I got it right, okay! The same can be said for our cruiserweights, because WWE scoured the Wearth, over, in search of the finest cruiserweight athletes they could find, and 32 of those cruiserweights competed in a grueling 10-week tournament on the WWE network in search of finding out who is the finest cruiserweight in the world. We did that last week in crowning the first-ever WWE Cruiserweight Champion, TJ Perkins. And alonly way, these athletes defined what it meant to be a cruiserweight, because it’s not about size; it’s about heart, determination, the spirit to excel, incredible competition [long pause] and [pause] unsurpassed entertainment. The type of competition and entertainment we will we bringing only here, on Monday Night Raw. 32 athletes, we brought 4 of them here tonight, for the inaugural [pause] match [pause] of the cruiserweight division.”
And then the poor guy pulls out his note cards.
While I’m thinking about it, does anybody else think it was weird that WWE goes to such lengths to make Tom Phillips pop a wide stance to make people like AJ Styles and Chris Jericho seem super tall, but they’re okay with Mick Foley looking like a giant in a ring full of seemingly baby-sized cruiserweights?
Best: You’re A Crook, Captain’s Hook
The best compliment I can give the cruiserweight fatal four-way is that when it started, it was in the pre-main-event death-slot 2 1/2 hours into a boring episode and the crowd was totally flatlined, but by the end of it they had the crowd reacting and chanting along. Getting a bored WWE crowd into whatever you’re doing, especially if you aren’t already an established thing, is akin to working miracles.
It was strange that TJ Perkins won the damn Cruiserweight Classic and got the WWE Cruiserweight Championship, but didn’t make an appearance on Raw. Instead, we got a fatal four-way to determine a #1 contender for the belt at the Clash. So many questions. Why did WWE spend 10 weeks getting the cruisers over in one-on-one matches built around the physical storytelling of competition, only to debut them on Raw in a four-way with the WWE four-way format? Lots of guys being tossed to the outside and selling forever for no reason so they can do a series of one-on-one “matches” throughout. Also, does it sell Brian Kendrick’s new character short to build up the story of the CWC being his “last shot,” only to have him win one match on Raw and get a pay-per-view shot against the champion? That seems like a way easier road to travel than actually winning the tournament. Imagine how good Kendrick’s story could be if he’d lost here, and got to spend some time as the veteran journeyman, cracking at a diminishing return of opportunities? By the time he finally got to a title match, he’d be willing to do ANYTHING to win. Now it’s just another example of WWE saying a thing we should believe, instead of showing us why we should believe it. The disconnect between Raw and the CWC reminds me a hell of a lot of the disconnect between Raw and NXT. Also, is Brian Kendrick … is Brian Kendrick a pirate?
That said, there’s so much to compliment here. Gran Metalik is to Sin Cara as Kevin Owens is to Bull Dempsey. Brian Kendrick is as good of an in-ring storyteller as anybody in the company right now, and deserves this shot. Rich Swann could stand still in a dark room and be entertaining as hell (even if he got all knees on that standing 450), and Cedric Alexander is THE DUDE. Seriously, nobody made better use of the CWC platform than Cedric, who’s better right now than he’s ever been. Way to time that. The funny part is how often they mention his 22-pound weight loss, and how you know they’re gonna make him eventually gain it back to win a heavyweight championship.
All-in-all, it’s a good first impression. They can still have Perkins beat Kendrick at Clash and tell Kendrick’s story. Bonus points if we keep Swann and Alexander in a division together but don’t team them up or feud them against one another. Double bonus points if the introductions at Clash of Champions include a shot of Neville, Sin Cara and Kalisto all sitting in the front row with their brows furrowed and their arms crossed. HOW YOU LIKING THIS PURPLE BELT AND ALL THESE PURPLE GRAPHICS, NEVILLE.
Here’s hoping they figure out they should just devote the first hour to the cruiserweights, so they have multiple matches and can shine in one-on-one competition to really build characters and followings. Multi-man matches like this are a Sometimes Food. First hour goes to the cruiserweights, and then Hollywood Hogan returns to lead the Club, and that’s all we ever talk about. Perfect!
Best/Worst: Watch For Falling Architects
The main event is a non-title steel cage match between Kevin Owens and Roman Reigns, which is the kind of match that should be announced in a graphic with little dancing John Cena heads around it. Reigns winning is the most obvious thing in the world, especially since he’s not in the main event at Clash of Champions, not facing Kevin Owens and not, you know, defending the Universal Championship.
On the bright side, this was seemingly the conclusion of SETH ROLLINS IS A FACE NOW, with Rollins running down to save Reigns (!) and diving off the cage onto everybody. It certainly one-upped the “top of the arena” table dive from earlier in the night. Rollins saving Reigns could be a big deal, and it could be even better if they’ve been dragged their feet like this to have Rollins finally realize his mistakes and try to be friends with his “brother” again, only to have Reigns reject it. Go all-in with the Reigns boos by having him be the dude who says, “Shield reunion? No thanks.” It’s one of those moves that would be totally justified AND make him look like a dick. That’s the type of heel WWE loves the most. The justified dick.
And that’s the show. It feels like there should be two more episodes before the pay-per-view, but here we are. See you on Sunday for NIGHT OF THE CHAMPIONS, and next Sunday for WWE RAW PRESENTS STARRCADE, a free 20-minute event on WWE Network.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
squidchips
Would’ve been my favorite segment of the year if Seth had gone through all that effort to get into the cage just to join the beatdown on Roman.
AddMayne
LIKE A DC EXTENDED UNIVERSE MOVIE, THIS STORYLINE IS HARD TO FOLLOW
Amaterasu’s Son
SLICED BREAD DENIED! You will have whole loaves!
Daniel Valentin
Somewhere in Jalapas, Veracruz, a pissed-off ninja skeleton is smiling.
The Real Birdman
I hope they cut to stock footage of The N.W.O. arriving in the parking lot just to mess with us
ccxxii
Jericho adds botching promos to the list.
Harry Longabaugh
Latino Heritage Month remembers…
In 2005, Juventud, Super Crazy and Psychosis became the first latinos to own and operate their own tractor company and manufactured the Juan Deere. These three entrepreneurial superstars set a high mark for future Latino wrestlers and businessmen.
Kevin Nash Booked This
If I had a nickel for every time Sami just ran out and attacked someone I’d have like 85 cents.
UncleJuice
76. Unable to properly execute a Saskatchewan Spinning Nerve Hold
Aerial Jesus
*Jericho scribbles down inability to find Strowman a worthy opponent on his list*
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