The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 9/5/16: La Cage Aux Foley

Important programming note: Due to a death in the family, Brandon is unable to write his normal Best and Worst of Raw column this week. Please forgive my bad jokes, as I am a poor substitute for your normal host. He will return as usual for next week’s episode, and we will resume your regular programming. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw: Triple H returned from his self-imposed exile to turn on Seth Rollins and literally hand the WWE Universal Championship to Kevin Owens, Dana Brooke cosplayed as half of a sexy nurse and Braun Strowman exposed America.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for September 5, 2016.

Best?: ACTING!

This week’s episode has a two-part cold open. The first part is a dope as hell recap of last week’s Fatal 4-Way main event which ended with Kevin Owens as new champion of the universe. The second part was “Emmitt, Your Beard Is Weird” memorial Mick Foley and Stephanie McMahon getting unexpectedly emotional and acting their respective asses off … you know, to the height of their respective abilities.

Foley will sh*t all over his goodwill later in the episode and as usual, he loses the thread a bit during this section, but overall, I think it worked. This segment and the next segment really lean pretty hard into the whole “soap opera/drama” aspect of professional wrestling and to be honest, it’s something they should lean into way harder a lot more often. There is legitimate emotion and history where so many performers on the show are involved and it’s nice to actually see some people tap into that.

It’s also nice that the final shot of Stephanie after Mick walks away is ambiguous. Again, it was performed to the best of her ability, so points to her. Everyone’s expecting her to be in cahoots with Triple H, but maybe she really isn’t. It’s a “shades of gray” story that actual has shades of gray. They’re not just telling us it has shades of gray. Since the draft, Raw has gotten a whole lot better at showing us the work, which is always appreciated.

Again, Mick Foley will end this episode with a wet fart, but the good parts were good while they lasted.

Best: Opening Talking Segments That Contain Actual Passion And Storytelling

After the cold open, we get the hot open. This was really great, all the way up until Foley Foley’d all over it, but that was just the tail end, so I can overlook it because of how unstoppably rad the rest of the segment was.

We all hate the talking opening segments, but when they’re good, they have the potential to be very good. You had Kevin Owens coming out (in his new $750 suit!) and getting a hero’s welcome that felt and looked like a Big Damn Deal. He immediately reestablished himself as a world-class sh*thead and crapped all over the fans like he was back in Full Sail. He’s the top star on Raw, he has a target on his back, he has a chip on his shoulder, and he’s got a real bad attitude about everything.

Then you had Seth Rollins coming out and starting (continuing?) his ultra-slow-burn babyface turn that’s going to end with him pinning Triple H in front of 80,000 people next April or whatever. He starts this segment as his old petulant self, but he, like Owens, has legitimate grievances. He’s full of fire and he’s coming in hot, and it’s great. He starts off by saying he has no problem with Owens, but ends up throwing hands when he’s pushed too far.

The segment establishes a new status quo and points the major players at one another. It wraps up with Mick Foley making matches for no good reason other than he’s a goody-goody cowards who f*cks over heels at every opportunity, but we take what we can get.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntr-C-DRQI8

Best/Worst: The Disconnect Between Dana Brooke As A Character And Dana Brooke As Anything Else

Bayley vs. Charlotte was good of course, but the highlight was the Charlotte-Dana interactions both before and after the match. Beforehand, Charlotte condescendingly/aggressive-aggressively tells Dana to watch her match against Bayley and take notes, then provides a clipboard and pen with which to do so before giving Dana a taste of her own head-pat.

Later, after Dana kinda-sorta costs Charlotte the match (but not really), Charlotte just straight-up Mommie Dearests her.

Which brings me to the crux of my point: Dana is one of the very best characters on any of the three rosters, but she remains woefully unsure of what to do with her body or when or how to be in position at the appropriate time. I have absolutely no idea whether Charlotte was supposed to have run into Dana’s head or whatever at the end of the Bayley match. Seriously couldn’t tell you. But Dana screwing up the interference and then being part of the flubbed finish just makes her look bad, which she isn’t.

Dana Brooke is still kind of bad at being a main roster wrestler or a main roster person who is involved in finishes. That’s a massive bummer, because when she just has to talk to or interact with people in a non-physical way, she’s incredible.

Best: HARD REBO-T

Arguably the best part of the episode was the Bo Dallas reboot, which consisted of a new placard (which will hopefully be a shirt soon), a new sweat-stained singlet, and a mean streak a mile wide, with which he completely demolished “Kyle Roberts.” We can all get behind a pissed-off and motivated Bo Dallas who returns to his smiling ways as soon as the violence is handed out.

With the thin roster, it’s totally possible we’ll eventually get around to rehabbing all of our favorites. But Bo is definitely a great start.

Best: Drink It In, The Man

Of course Seth Rollins vs. Chris Jericho was wonderful. We got to see a great match and the first true seeds of Mega-Babyface Seth Rollins, but equally as good was Jericho’s pre-match walk-and-talk with Owens. They’re just really good friends — best friends, certainly — and they’ll never be at odds, ever. You can hold me to that.

Ennui: Going Up 3-0

Cesaro is pretty much held together by KT tape at this point after “injuring his back,” and fought hurt, giving Sheamus a quick win and looking for the sweep next week. These two have good matches together and I appreciate that they’re mixing things up, but man, it’s sure starting to feel like nine straight matches that we’re going to watch between these two, isn’t it?

A quick, horrible note: The way the timing of the pay-per-views has lined up, if (when) this series goes to seven matches, the final match will not take place on Clash of Champions, but the Monday after. So yeah, it won’t even blow off on the next PPV. Unless they get wacky and give us two matches on one episode of Raw. So this story has no happy ending, regardless.

EDIT: Some helpful commenters have informed me that one of the matches in the series will take place at a Live Event on Wednesday so they can, in fact, have the seventh match on Clash of Champions (if necessary). Thanks, commenters!

Worst: Orange You Glad I Didn’t Call You SAWFT

I’m completely at a loss as to whether Enzo “giving birth” was garbage or slightly better than usual, but I was just so fantastically put off by how inhumanly orange he was that nothing else really mattered. Everything seemed off about all of this, from Enzo and Cass absolutely SPRINTING through their singalong entrance to get to the horrifying fireworks factory of Enzo’s “labor” riff, to the Shining Stars nearly forgetting to cheat to win the match.

And of course,

https://twitter.com/MrBrandonStroud/status/772972428016300032

Whadda we got over here? Cuppa missed oppa’tunities?

Best: Nia Jax Is On A Collision Course With Alicia Fox, For Some Reason

THANK GOD that this WWE Fan Nation video includes Nia and Foxy’s backstage interaction, where Nia taunts Alicia because she ruined her friend’s life and body, so we get the return of Crazy Fox, who flips out, accidentally hits Nia in the face with a box of athletic tape, breaks character to apologize to the person she’s angry at on live television, then return to flipping out without missing a beat as Nia walks away.

We got a good squash match, new Nia Jax gear, the return of Alicia Fox, and the setup for Alicia Fox getting demolished on Raw next week. We also got one of the all-time greatest character breaks since “We’re live, pal!” Truly something for everyone. Specifically, the “everyone” of myself, a person whose favorite things are NXT and Total Divas.

Dirt Worst: The Old Day

And now, we come to the worst segment of the year so far. This segment made Sonny Boy look like the Pipe Bomb. Gallows and Anderson got a bumper graphic to actually spell out their OLD FART acronym, because subtlety is for the birds. Then they brought out the Old Day, and the only — the ONLY — highlight of this segment was the Old Day’s chopped and screwed version of the New Day’s theme.

The New Day coming out was like a breath of fresh air, but in a Shawshank Redemption sense, where just the absolute worst thing ever was getting interrupted by something slightly less bad. It was a horrible idea and an even worst segment and it’s making me consider taking up drugs to try and expunge it from my memory.

The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that if this segment had happened during the Attitude Era, The Old Day would have been Gallows and Anderson in blackface. Search your heart. You know it to be true.

Worst: Darren Young And Titus O’Neil, Part Who Cares

Worst: Braun Strowman Deserves Better Than This

Braun Strowman wrestled Sin Cara, which was the first time since the draft that Strowman has wrestled an actual full-timer and not just “local talent.” The match was supposedly at Sin Cara’s behest, after Strowman “insulted his heritage” last week by unmasking Americo.

The long and short of this was that Sin Cara was like the fourth-best performer in this match and it stunk. It’s probably going to lead to a rematch at Clash of Champions, but the truth is that Strowman’s weekly jobber matches have highkey been one of the best parts of Raw each week since the draft and Braun is hugely dope right now. The last thing he needs is to be in there having to sell Sin Cara’s sh*tty, quarter-assed satellite headscissors instead of legit murdering whatever local fetishists they drag out.

Keep Braun awesome, please. And get Sin Cara far away from him, post haste.

Best: We All A Bunch Of Puppets

Sasha’s return segment started off real shaky. Like “Titus O’Neil in a ring with five minutes of microphone time” shaky. But the crowd was with her the whole time, because they care about her. A lot of us smelled the twist a mile away, but it ended up being fun getting there.

You may be upset at the persistence of the “Stephanie McMahon brought the revolution” talking points, but I thought Sasha was being literal here and said a lot of important stuff that can never be said too often. We also got Dana getting a third chance(!) this episode to be entertaining as hell, which she did admirably. It was a well-done reveal that could have been done better, probably, but got Sasha back on television and gave me an opportunity to make this:

So everything worked out, I think.

Worst: Let’s See What The Absolute Worst Dude Had To Say About That Segment

Best: Sami Zayn Vs. Kevin Owens For The First Time Ever

I appreciate that “Zayn has been a fat sack of nothing since beating Owens at Battleground” is an actual talking point now, because acknowledging history and continuity is good. Also, yeah, Zayn and Owens are wrestling again, but you can imagine that wouldn’t be happening if Finn Bálor’s shoulder hadn’t turned into Laffy Taffy at SummerSlam.

And Zayn vs. Owens is always good, and they always deliver. It also had an important purpose, as Owens established himself as deserving of his position, who has turned things up a notch and is now on a higher level than his forever-enemy who ruined him just a little while ago. (Supplemental Best to Owens’ new RAW IS WAR shirt, which completely rules.)

A definitive Owens victory would have been a good way to end this episode of Raw.

Worst: F*ck Off Forever, General Manager Foley

INSTEAD, we get Roman Reigns walking to the ring, which is literally all it takes for eternal sh*thead General Manager Foley to give him a one-on-one match with the Universal Champion for the right to get shoehorned into a PPV main event title match. Go to hell, Just For Men Foley.

The saving grace to Foley being MAXIMUM FOLEY in this episode was Owens absolutely flipping his sh*t every time Foley opened his stupid beardo mouth to screw him over time and again. I hope Owens Machine Gun Kellys Foley at some point. It would be warranted and welcomed.

How is it that “screw over the heels at all odds at every opportunity” is already more insufferable than the three years or whatever of the Authority we had to put up with?

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Pencil-Necked Geek

“Mmphm mmumph mmnuhm. ”

Good point, Sin Cara.

Lester

“If you’re us from the future… what number am I thinking of?”

“69, dude!”

Griff

I love that Jericho’s new look is Cary Elwes’ facial hair from Princess Bride on Cary Elwes’ current body.

blockyralboa

It just occurred to me that if Reigns had been the one to turn heel when The SHEILD split, the past two years would have been immeasurably better. Including Bernie being the democratic nominee.

The Real Birdman

*Dana scribbles notes*
“Woo: *Crossed out ‘H’* W-O-O.”

Rodeo

I see Kevin’s still going in hard on the Full Sail crowd.

Harry Longabaugh

It wasn’t CrossRhodes. It was a Her-Bo’s Welcome.

Southern

LOL someone screamed lion king at Bo

Frank Ducks

He may have the chest of a shotgun wound victim, but Chris Jericho is 47 years old and can still fire off lionsaults and springboard dropkicks. That shit is impressive.

Amanda Huggenkiss

They should have Cesaro come out with more and more tape each match until he’s like a mummy covered from head to toe then reveal himself as Tyson Kidd in the final match