Hey gang! In honor of the most exciting, crazily-booked Survivor Series in recent memory, the powers that be at UPROXX have allowed me to dive into the vast reservoir of obscure, useless film trivia cluttering up the vast recesses of my brain and come up with the ultimate Survivor Series team of All-Time Bad Guys From Movies. Let’s get right to it.
Johnny From The Karate Kid
There is nothing better than kicking off a truly heel team than with the ultimate chickenshit, “damned numbers game”-attacking, smirking douchebag in the whole Cobra Kai dojo, Johnny.
“Sweep the leg” is just about as synonymous with “cheap shot” as one can get. And you just know Martin Kove’s Surfer Arn Anderson ass is going to be shouting it from the corner literally every fifteen seconds. Johnny is The Miz Version 1.0. Johnny is pre-Colombian Lucha Underground. In 1984, at the height of Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, Johnny was still the bully every kid wished they could crane kick into a dumpster. When Johnny finds himself trapped by the faces and about to get his comeuppance, that is a crowd pop you will hear in space.
Pumpkinhead
The original Deadman, this giant spindly demon of vengeance for hillbillies named Pumpkinhead mashes up Bray Wyatt and The Brothers of Destruction like a weird occult documentary version of Three Men And A Baby.
I’m a sucker for any big man in the WWE who steps over the top rope versus ducking under it. That’s the only way to measure somebody’s Hoss Factor. Braun Strowman steps over the top rope. Big Show steps over the top rope. Pumpkinhead fits that bill.
The great thing about the plot to Pumpkinhead and the character’s backstory is that it’s really not that far off from the stuff they’ve actually done with The Undertaker. Being buried alive? Resurrection? Redemption tale? It’s all there. Hell, they even got motorcycles in there in case Pumpkinhead decides he wants to start wearing a Mike Muir bandana and join the X-Games.
Let’s keep rollin’ (rollin’ rollin’ rollin’)
Mantis
When you are the final level boss in a Bruce Lee movie called Game of Death, you’re making this list. It’s not even a contest. I also really like the idea of putting a guy the same size as Pumpkinhead but who has more in common with Johnny all on the same side and seeing what the corner mics pick up. Is Mantis the bridge? Or does he just silently stare into the distance and shake his head while Johnny tirelessly asks Mantis how much he benches like a thirsty Enzo Amore?
The wrestling world has a long history of professional athletes taking a spin around the ol’ squared circle, and a Hall of Fame basketball player with the most points scored in history, who knows kung fu, can speak fluently on a dozen different topics and has a great sense of humor puts Kareem Abdul Jabbar so far ahead of Mongo McMichael and Kevin Greene I don’t even know why I’m still writing this. This is like the opposite of every NASCAR driver that has shown up in any chapter of the NWA TNA writeups Brandon Stroud is torturing himself with every week.
Clown
We’re returning to Hell for our fourth member of this Survivor Series All-Star Heel Lineup, and going with Clown from Spawn. Like Paul Heyman on a 400-year bender, Clown is the one front and center who cuts all the promos as the other members of the team try to cram into the frame around Mean Gene Okerlund in the backstage interview area.
Watching Clown spew and spit all over the camera while he speaks in riddles and tasteless jokes as Mean Gene chokes on cigar smoke is so WWE I can’t believe they didn’t fly John Leguizamo to Stamford the day after the premiere. I know the movie came out during the Attitude Era and Mean Gene was slumming it in WCW at the time (yeah, I said it) but are we going to quibble over timelines when we’re talking about undead vengeance monsters with gourd-shaped craniums?
This is also sort of cheating (perfect for a heel team) as Clown can always “fire up” and transform into Violator for some massive heat on the babyfaces. If Kane can live in the “literal Christian Hell beneath the ring” next to tables and kendo sticks, I can have a heel team with five and a half members on a Survivor Series PPV I’m literally fantasy booking.
Clown isn’t any more or less grotesque than Doink, and he’s probably a better worker.
Captain Freedom
Aside from the very real possibility that I came up with the entire pitch for this article just so I could post that clip, there is something wonderfully poetic about filling the fifth and final spot in a Survivor Series heel team of fictional characters with an actual wrestler playing a fictional character.
Even more delicious is that every Survivor Series match needs at least one swerve where a team member quits on the others and walks to the back. What better way to do this than with a face turn (twist!) from the one actual wrestler on the team? Replace the name “Killian” with “Vince” and you don’t have to change a single word of the promo when he runs into his boss backstage. Hell, just keep the cameras rolling and maybe Jesse will be really feeling it and Captain Freedom will start agitating for a union. Who heads up the Players’ Association for the Monstars? Give them a ring.
What do you think? I think I nailed it. Feel free to assemble your own team in the comments below and let’s get into some interdimensional rasslin’.
