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Please click through for the Best And Worst Of WWE Raw for September 30, 2013.
Best: Of All The Things I’ve Ever Said, THIS Is What Makes It Onto The WWE App
What, you couldn’t have used the one where I asked them if I could win a Doritos contest to punch Zack Ryder in the face?
It’s true, though. Every week now, Punk wanders out to the ring and says more or less the same thing about how no matter what happened at the last pay-per-view (insert pay-per-view here), he promises he’ll find Paul Heyman and beat him up. He’s been saying that for two months now. The thing I don’t get is that he’s GOTTEN to Heyman a few times now and beaten him up pretty badly. It just seems like it resets in Punk’s mind, and he’s always out there promising this grand thing that cannot happen unless he literally sets Paul Heyman on fire and murders him at WrestleMania. You already beat the shit out of him with a stick for a few minutes, why is a knee to the head so much worse?
Best: Tamina Snuka Sure Is Taking It To CM Punk
Hey look everybody, Big E Langston is back from his vacation in Relative Obscurity!
That’d be an automatic Best in-and-of itself, but aside from my general dismay at The Best NXT Guy losing to Punk clean in a few minutes, I really liked the match. It makes sense to have Punk beat a “big” guy, in case we’re going by WWE Universality Cycle Memory where we don’t remember any of the matches Punk had with guys like Cena and The Rock who aren’t that much smaller than Ryback or, I don’t know, the times he did it to Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker and goddamn You-manga. People who are tuning in for the first time need a reminder that wrestling characters are what they are presented as and not what you see on the surface, and an explanation as to why a guy like Punk could easily trounce a guy like Langston when his best moves appear to be a leg lift to the shoulder and a flying armpit to the chest.
One day I think the WWE Universe is going to figure out that Big E is talented and get behind him, and I hope that happens soon. Being shuffled away and replaced with Tamina Snuka off-screen is a pretty unceremonious way to treat one of the guys on your roster who can legitimately truck almost any wrestler walking. I like Ryback, but Punk/Langston in a longer form would be better than Punk/Ryback. And while I’m thinking about it, Langston/Ryback would be the match HENRY/Ryback should’ve been at WrestleMania. Just two cartoonish bodybuilders crashing into each other until one of them dies.
Best: Big E’s Sell Of The GTS
Worst: I Am Chanting ‘Randy Savage’ At My TV But Nothing Is Happening
The next match on the show was Kofi Kingston, the guy who I classically credit as the worst part of the show because it pisses off smarks who stumble into the column and assume anybody who likes Daniel Bryan likes all the guys they like, and Fandango, who lately has been the ACTUAL worst part of most shows. It was what you’d expect … Kofi managed to hit Trouble In Paradise and get the win before Fandango’s oven timer went off and sent him fleeing from the ring for an on-purpose count-out, and Trouble In Paradise landed about a foot in front of Fandango and hit nothing but palms but still knocked the guy out. So … if you’d decided you were gonna like this before it happened, you probably liked it.
I was prepared to jump in here and copy-paste in some video of a monkey eating its own poop but suddenly the screen flashes and goes REAHEAHHH and THE WYATT FAMILY is here and my brain goes exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point.
Worst: Wait, Did Bray Wyatt Just Get The Jump On Kofi Kingston And Do NOTHING?
…and then nothing.
Bray Wyatt does his entrance, talks a little, tells us to Follow That Bird and then a commercial break as Raw rolls on. They showed Kofi yelling at him from the ring but the lights never came on, Rowan and Harper never beat the stuffing out of him, nothing. Just the 3rd in a 35-part reminder to eat Popeye’s Chicken. I even had to go back and watch the WWE Fan Nation video again to remember what Bray said, which I’ve NEVER had to do. Spoiler: It was “I realized I have to beat up wrestlers.” That was seriously his point. Just a lot of quick inhales and me wondering whether or not he’s dropping the southern accent on purpose.
Best: Randy Orton, Over-Explainer
My second-favorite thing on Raw right now is Randy Orton ditching the apathetic monotone snake act in favor or hurting people as thoroughly and violently as possible. My FAVORITE thing, though, is whenever Randy Orton talks to a Bella Twin. If you haven’t been paying attention to these segments they are AMAZING in capital letters because Randy Orton is an over-explainer. Every time he refers to Daniel Bryan in Brie Bella’s presence, he says “your boyfriend, Daniel Bryan.” LISTEN TO ME, WHEN I SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND DANIEL BRYAN AGAIN, I WILL KICK YOUR BOYFRIEND DANIEL BRYAN IN THE SKULL. BOYFRIEND DANIEL. Are we supposed to assume that if Orton said “your boyfriend” Brie wouldn’t know who he was talking about, and if he said “Daniel Bryan” she wouldn’t remember that they’re dating?
This week it took it a step further, not only dropping in a “Daniel Bryan” every time he mentions her fiancé but adding a full description as well. LISTEN TO ME, WHEN I SEE YOUR FIANCE THAT SHORT, BEARDED, RED-TRUNKS-WEARING GUY WHO SAYS YES A LOT DANIEL BRYAN I WILL KICK DANIEL BRYAN, THAT MAN YOU PLAN TO MARRY, IN HIS FACIAL AND CRANIALLY-HAIRED SKULL. It’s wonderful. And then he gives her a very simple threat — she should move the wedding up, because Bryan has a match with Orton on Sunday and is gonna get hurt — but cannot let it lie. He has to explain in excruciating detail to make sure Brie understands that BEFORE Sunday Daniel will be fine, but AFTER Sunday he won’t be, because of X and Y and outta-nowhere Z.
Maybe Randy doesn’t own pants because he does this to the guy at the store. LISTEN CLOSELY, MEN’S WEARHOUSE EMPLOYEE, I NEED A PAIR OF PANTS THAT WILL GO ON MY LEGS, BECAUSE THEY’LL COVER MY LEGS, BECAUSE AFTER THIS SUNDAY AT BATTLEGROUND I WILL NEED TO WEAR PANTS OUT OF THE BUILDING BECAUSE IT’S WEIRD TO WALK AROUND IN PUBLIC AT NIGHT IN A SHIRT AND SOME UNDERWEAR.
Best/Worst: This Is Super Racist But I Think I Might Love It
Here’s everything I can find wrong with Los Matadores.
1. WWE cannot give a Hispanic guy a matador gimmick for two reasons: they’re a company full of white guys so you know they’re only doing it because “bullfighting” is something they can think of from Spanish culture and don’t wanna put any effort into learning what makes a wrestler of color individually unique or successful — see also rapping black guys and savage Samoans — and because they’ve done it already.
2. You cannot give Primo and Epico a Spanish or Mexican gimmick because they are Puerto Rican, and that is not the same thing. It’d be like giving a Samoan guy a Japanese gimmick or making a Hispanic guy pretend to be white or vice versa.
3. You cannot make a bull be the matadors’ valet, because matadors KILL bulls, and because it is 2013 and come the f*ck on.
4. You cannot MAKE A MIDGET DRESS UP LIKE A BULL AND BE THE VALET FOR YOUR REGIONALLY-INDETERMINATE MATADOR GUYS.
Now, having said all that … ughhh this was delightful and I think I might love Los Matadores.
Some of you called that, right? When I was like, “this looks like a horrible thing,” y’all would drop a comment that read, “shut up, Brandon, you know you’re gonna love this because it is stupid as balls, and balls-stupidity is the quickest way to your pro wrestling heart.” And I was like NO, NO, I AM THE INTELLECTUAL WRESTLING COMMENTARY ON THE INTERNET ELITE, I WILL NEVER LIKE IT, I KNOW MY BRAIN and you just made wanking motions at the ends of your sentences. You were right, and I am a stupid baby living in a grown man’s body.
I managed to pop and say “f*ck me” simultaneously when their Titantron video started spewing smoke and El Torito came airplaning out. I don’t know. I still don’t understand it. My best theory to explain their relationship is that they’re legendary bullfighters, right, so maybe they killed a legendary bull only to find out that it was a legendary COW consumed by BUCKING RAGE or whatever and that cow had a baby bull, and that was El Torito. So now they have to take care of him. I like this theory because it’s got serious New Titans Changeling/Baby Wildebeest vibes, and because it makes Diego and Fernando Matador into Cowfighters.
Best: Thank God They Found Something For Sin Cara To Do
Just kidding. El Torito is able to bounce around on the ropes without snapping his wrists and having to be carried away by medics.
Best: Curtis Axel’s Subterfuge Can’t Even Fool Renee Young
One of the (pardon the pun) hidden highlights of Raw happened during General Ray Of Sunshine Renee Young’s backstage interview with Paul Heyman. Near the end she mentions that she sees Ryback just around the corner, and spies Curtis Axel “hiding behind some equipment.”
ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Ryback is just standing in the f*cking hallway and Curtis Axel’s crouching behind an A.V. cart, poking his head around the side just in case it’s time for him to run at somebody and wildly clubber them. You are the worst, Curtis Axel.
Best: Dusty Rhodes Will Be Your Huckleberry
It wasn’t quite A Hug And A Kiss To Seal The Deal, but Dusty Rhodes sticking up for his jobs so they could get their sons back (or whatever) was as good as I wanted it to be. Dusty snatching the microphone from Triple H, getting up in his face (because that’s what H likes to do) and faceplaming Stephanie — complete with her immediately moving his hand out of the way because she can’t look vulnerable for even a second — were all choice, as was his loose quoting of Tombstone, which should be a wrestling industry staple. If Triple H can quote Gangs Of New York and get away with it, Dusty can be Val Kilmer in his prime.
The match itself is a good one, too, because my pipe dream of the Rhodes Family vs. The Shield in a trios match never really took Dusty’s 70-year-oldness into consideration. In my head Dusty’s still exactly like he was in 1986, because he looks and sounds the same. What we end up with is Cody and Dustin (yessss) against Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins with Dusty in his sons’ corner and assumedly Ambrose and the One Man And One Woman Power Trip in the Shield’s. If the Rhodes boys win, they get their jobs back. If they lose, they can never work for WWE again AND Dusty loses his job down in developmental. He’s already in the middle of “time off” from NXT, if you didn’t watch last week’s episode.
In my head, this goes in one of two ways, and I love them both:
1. Dusty gives Dean Ambrose a bionic elbow, Cody and Dustin win the tag team championships and get their jobs back. The tag team division gets the BEST POSSIBLE NEW TAG TEAM, have a series of great matches with The Shield and eventually Goldust can maintain his position on the show by getting into it with Damien Sandow, which is basically wrestling catnip for Brandon. That way Cody can win the World Heavyweight Championship only to have Damien cash in on him (the only possible outcome for the Sandow Money in the Bank briefcase, honestly) and THAT would lead to Cody vs. Sandow, Goldust vs. Sandow or Cody vs. Goldust World Title matches. YES-F*CKING-PLEASE.
2. The Rhodes brothers lose the match due to THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME or whatever, and the next night on Raw we meet WWE’s newest tag team THE JAMES BOYS. Or suddenly one of Los Matadores is tall and white and painted gold.
Best: The Rhodes Family Feuding With The Shield Is Wrestling Perfection For Me, Or It’s Like When I Was Little And Had To Listen To My Mom And Dad Fight, One Or The Other
As a wrestling fan, I am all-in with the Rhodes Family. They’ve been done wrong for far too long. They are talented, hard-working people who are being mistreated by an evil hierarchy of two-faced corporate devils and their Ultimate Swat Team Mean Street Posse.
As a guy who loves these wrestlers and writes snarky columns about them, I’m torn. The Rhodes boys are by definition as good as pro wrestling can get, but THE SHIELD, y’all. The Shield has been nothing but teamwork and violence and friendship since they debuted. They are what I like about modern pro wrestling in a nutshell. So do I root for the people who have entertained me the most throughout my life, or for the people entertaining me the most now? Do I root for the blue-collar types (and their one entitled son), or for the hungry NXT guys who are willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of their brothers?
Worst: The Domino’s Pizza Commercials Are Getting Worse, Somehow
Unbelievably, the new Domino’s ad campaign is built around the idea that you might as well order pizzas online, because the people who work at Domino’s are too stupid to use a telephone. That’s worse than Popeye’s being all, “like chicken? Like those boxes of rice you never buy at the grocery store? WE PUT THEM TOGETHER.”
Now that we’ve spent 10 minutes allowing The Shield to get into an exciting, emotional, high-stakes brawl with one of the best wrestling families in the sport’s history, let’s allow WWE Creative to bash us over the head with their dry erase board and give us CURTIS AXEL LOSING A NON-TITLE MATCH TO R-TRUTH VIA A DISTRACTION FROM A GUY WHO DIDN’T EVEN SHOW UP TO DISTRACT ANYBODY. This was “Curtis Axel hiding behind an A.V. cart” in wrestling match form.
Here’s an idea for R-Truth, or for any low-level WWE guy who can’t win matches: bring an iPod to the ring. Torrent every wrestling entrance theme you can find. When it looks like you’re about to get beaten, play somebody’s theme and hold the iPod up. Your opponent will go bug-eyed and start whipping his head around all crazy looking for that wrestler, and you can just graze his leg with your fingers that instantly criticals him and wins you the match. Have fun with it. Play the Undertaker’s theme when you’re losing to JTG, make JTG think he’s about to feud with the Undertaker. Losing to The Miz? Try Kamala’s music. WWE TV is build around constant reassurance to the audience that the wrestlers they love are just as stupid as them, so I dunno, if the iPod doesn’t work, try jingling your keys.
Best: This Match Has Been Rendered Worthless, But Hey, Brie Bella’s Looking Pretty Good
Two quick Worsts: One, I’m not a fan of AJ Lee enlisting the help of Tamina Snuka. Not only does this lead us to believe that TAMINA, a woman who cannot even win when she’s wrestling developmental talent on NXT, is a more effective bodyguard than Big E Langston, it does that WHOOPS ERASE HISTORY thing they love to do. Remember when Tamina was Vickie Guerrero’s bodyguard and was all about hurting AJ? Yeah, that’d be like Paul Heyman suddenly teaming up with Ryback.
Second, the commentary during this match is expectedly insipid and god-awful. Cole gets butthurt that JBL is calling too much of the action and stops talking, piping in only to tell JBL he’s doing a bad job, and Lawler can’t think of anything to say about women doing actual wrestling moves besides “her boyfriend isn’t gonna like this!” and “talk about an EXTREME MAKEOVER!” Meanwhile there’s a decent little Divas match going on, with Alicia Fox channeling some of her NXT personality to work a bunch of leg-scissors and Brie channeling SOMETHING from SOMEWHERE to look like a decent, legitimate athlete. She’s throwing knee strikes and shit, and all Cole can do is talk about how Alicia Fox and AJ are jealous of the Total Divas. JBL and Lawler just nod their heads in agreement. WRESTLING IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS.
I like to think that when Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan got together he was all, “okay, I agree to be on the reality show as long as you let me tell you what to do and stretch you out,” and Brie was all, “oooh,” and by the time she realized he meant that in the Stu Hart sense of the phrase it was too late. The Bellas really are the smartest people in wrestling, aren’t they? They’re like the all-star team of good WWE decisions. They’re dating high on the card (a la Triple H), they are not afraid to be famous outside of wrestling for something brainless but loosely wrestling-related (The Miz), they palled around with the celebrity guest hosts and got two-ish years of TV time out of it and now one of them’s becoming a good wrestler while the other becomes a cartoon bad guy. If they’d just stop doing the dated “loser” taunts and never speak on the microphone again they’d be my idols.
Worst: Oh No, Are They Already Planting Seeds For A Brie Vs. Nikki Title Feud, And Is Every Divas Storyline Gonna Revolve Around That Reality Show Now
Seriously though, Brie hasn’t even won the belt yet and Nikki’s already doing that “also give ME credit” thing. Watch her when Brie wins … she rushes into the ring and demands the referee hold HER hand up as well, and Brie makes a brief “uh, what, okay” face before being okay with it. We are t-minus one week from Brie Bella tearfully talking about how hard she worked to become Divas champion and Nikki hitting her in the back of the head with the belt because she’s tanner and her boobs are bigger and her boyfriend isn’t a lumberjack or whatever.
Best: Honky Big Show Be Trippin’
This GIF should tell you everything you need to know:
Big Show is riiiight on the edge of plunging into rage-induced insanity, and one of these days is just gonna explode into a hailstorm of fists and knock out everybody in a 40-mile radius. Triple H and Stephanie are just straight-up making shit up and mocking him to his face now, and it’s making him so made his face becomes SLOTH’S FACE and his fist becomes GOD’S FIST and he is going to KNOCK TRIPLE H THE HELL OUT.
Of course, he doesn’t, and he can’t. At least not yet. He gets to Triple H’s office and nobody’s there so he waits, his shirt getting sweatier and sweatier, and then all of a sudden the police show up because Triple H is THE MOST COWARD and whosoever should escorting them in but The Devil herself, Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie tells her own cops not to arrest Big Show because he has a mortgage payment coming up and CANNOT PROPERLY F*CK HIS WIFE and they listen to her because wrestling is not reality and none of this makes sense, and if Show ever knocks out Stephanie he’ll open up a tear in the Matrix or whatever and reveal the ruse.
He doesn’t know that, though, and all he can do is make this face:
I’m so sorry, Show. I’ve been there. Just know that when you finally punch Triple H in his mouth it’ll be the most satisfying payoff ever. You’ve really got to cave in his jaw, though. Cave it right in.
Worst: Who Left The Show Unattended And Gave Zack Ryder This Much Offense
This is the face I made when Zack Ryder’s match against Alberto Del Rio lasted more than 45 seconds:
Cole tries to get all into it and yell “cover by RYDER” or whatever but no dude, that is a slow-ass sunset flip and Zack Ryder couldn’t win a match if Del Rio was distracted by 15 entrance themes at once. Hey, remember how boring it was when Del Rio kept putting the armbar on jobbers after the bell for like a year? Aren’t you happy they’re still doing that? I bet Del Rio’s got a big peg board where he plans out his missions, and he’s got like 70 index cards tacked to it and they all read WRESTLE JOBBER AND HURT HIS ARM WHEN THEY TELL ME NOT TO. Every week he writes ten more cards like that and puts them up. I kinda hope RVD beats him now just so something else can happen.
Spoiler alert: if RVD wins, the next four weeks are Del Rio losing via DQ because he won’t release the armbar.
Best/Worst: More Like Paul GAYman, Am I Right
I’d originally given this a solo Worst, because as funny as Heyman and Ryback are, the point of these segments is to bait people into getting upset so they’ll yell and scream and boo them for acting gay. You can’t say they’re trying to bait stupid people either, because yeah, the people getting upset and yelling at them about it ARE stupid, but Heyman and Ryback are the bad guys so we aren’t really allowed to give them credit for trolling on the side of goodness and tolerance. Regardless of who it offends and why, anti-gay heat (or PRO gay heat, either way) really does not need to be a part of my wrestling program. It just doesn’t have to be there.
That said, from the point of view of someone who likes Heyman and Ryback and thinks they’re funny for trolling the trogs in the WWE Universe, I enjoyed it. Heyman and Ryback as A Fine Frenzy-style Almost Lovers is wonderful to me, and if I could have Heyman kiss him on the cheek and have Ryback make that happy Muppet face every week, I would. I knew the resolution of the segment was gonna be Heyman asking Ryback to be a Paul Heyman Guy, but in the middle of it I started hoping that Heyman would just come out and he and Ryback could be in a loving relationship, if only to hear Cole and Lawler and JBL be all “proposal? YUCK!!” when they’re supposed to be Being Stars.
Best: CM Punk’s Master Plan
But WAIT, CM Punk is here, and he’s got a plan to finally get his revenge on Paul Heyman!
Spoiler alert, his plan is this:
If you missed it and can’t watch the video for some reason, Punk uses his music to distract Heyman (again!) and comes out of the crowd, jumping the rail, pretending to twist his knee and then lying on the ground in agony for like five minutes while everybody stands around confused. Eventually Heyman wanders close enough to the ropes that Punk can secretly remove a kendo stick from under the ring, do a full stand and turn and hit him in the legs ONCE before sliding in and fighting Axel and Ryback.
So, uh, he knows that if he’d just used the distraction, brought a kendo stick with him and immediately slid into the ring he probably could’ve gotten one shot on Heyman before getting jumped by The Guys, right? The exact same thing would’ve happened, only he might’ve hit him in the face instead of clipping his loafers. Was a musical distraction PLUS a false injury PLUS a hidden weapon necessary? Next week he should dress up like a chicken and try to hand Heyman a coupon.
Worst: Alberto Del Rio Leaves No Mercy In The Ring!
Unless he’s also planning to leave a Nintendo 64 I’m not interested in what you have to say, Rob.
Best: Even The WWE Announcers And Universe Are Starting To Figure Out That The Shield Is Good
For almost a year now I’ve been complaining about how the WWE announcers watch 3-on-3 tag matches featuring The Shield and pretend like they’re cheating because they’re bad guys who win. They don’t. The Shield never uses foreign objects, they never hold the tights, they never expose the turnbuckle and get in cheap shots … they tag in and out effectively, care about one another and work as a team. That becomes THE DAMNED NUMBERS GAME, as though giving it an Obamacare-esque name makes it bad. Sorta like how they give heel champions shit for using “the champion’s advantage” when it is literally the advantage afforded to you legally as a wrestling champion. Good guys who cash in Money in the Bank are exciting. Bad guys who do it are opportunistic cowards. IT IS THE RULES YOU DECIDED ON, GUYS.
But yeah, now most of the commentary is build around how the Shield are jerks, sure, but they wrestle all the time and WIN all the time and are an unstoppable juggernaut tandem success. Even the less-literate YouTube commenters are catching on.
There’s a real value to wrestling bad guys being accepted as good at their jobs. Not everybody has to take shortcuts to be a heel. You can be the best person in the world at your job and not cheat or lie or steal and people can still find reasons to hate you. See also Tiger Woods, LeBron James, Floyd Mayweather, and on and on. Those guys got heat by being better than their competition at thing and being awful people while they did it. That’s The Shield. Or at least it should be.
Best: I Could Watch Roman Reigns Spear Dudes All Day
Sorry, that Best might make the WWE crowd boo me. Gay gay gay!
Seriously though, Roman Reigns might be the first person in wrestling history to make the spear look like the devastating, brain-splattering thing it can be. It helps when he’s got Dolph Ziggler on the other end of it — poor, poor Dolph Ziggler — but I love it and wish I could watch him end people by simply existing THROUGH them all the time. Thankfully last week’s 11-on-3 match featuring 3 consecutive single-handed spear victories for Reigns sorta cemented him as Kingshit of Spear Mountain, so that works. Roman’s spear makes Goldberg’s look like Edge’s.
Worst: The Same Match As Before, Only Now Hornswoggle Is Here And He Kinda Looks Like A Pig
Back on September 9, Santino Marella returned to Raw and had an unexpectedly fun match with Antonio Cesaro. It featured some comedy, a colossal giant swing and Santino winning with a reversal into a roll-up for an upset victory.
Last night, they had the exact same match. Same comedy, same colossal giant swing, same Santino winning with a reversal into a roll-up for an upset. The only differences were that Santino’s been back for a month, the crowd wasn’t hot and now The Great Khali and Hornswoggle are standing at ringside because Natalya dumped them to hang out with the Bellas. Also Hornswoggle has gained like 50 pounds since the last time I paid attention to him and he’s wearing a bright pink cancer shirt so he looks like a pig. They should call up Charlotte and have her repeatedly save Hornswoggle’s job by writing messages in her roll-ups.
Anyway, we all agree that Cesaro constantly losing on Raw is one of the worst and stupidest things WWE does, so I’ll skip copying-and-pasting in that irate paragraph about how creative’s run by lobotomized dolts in favor of asking why Hornswoggle suddenly has Sting’s hair.
Worst: Why Is Jerry Lawler Dressed Like An Energy Drink
Hey Jerry, that guy’s wearing a pink shirt that says YES YES YES across the front in bubble letters and you’re still wearing the most embarrassing thing in the ring. Stop buying your shirts at the gas station.
Worst: Sarcastic Daniel Bryan Is The Worst Daniel Bryan
WWE Superstars who suddenly become popular can do three things to turn me against them:
1. Start insulting women so wrestling fans who can’t form relationships with women will cheer them
2. Try too hard to pander and be funny
3. Say things that aren’t true to support their points of view because nobody in the booth or the crowd will fact check them
Bryan treaded lightly on number one whenever he interacted with AJ Lee and managed to call her a whore without necessarily dropping the Dolph Ziggler-esque “you’re a WHORE” card, pretending like he wasn’t a bad guy who emotionally abused her for several months, but he didn’t wallow in it like Ziggler or Ryder so I gave him a pass. Him calling Stephanie a “word that starts with B!” was almost there.
The problem isn’t number one, though, it’s numbers two and three. Bryan has been convinced by SOMEBODY that constant sarcasm is the way to get WWE crowds behind him, so no matter what happens now he starts off his retort with WOW YOU DID A GREAT JOB SAYING WHATEVER IT IS YOU JUST SAID, OH YEAH GREAT JOB EVERYBODY ISN’T HE GREAT. It’s terrible. It’s started making me side with Orton, who is a horrible speaker and an over-explainer, but at least he’s saying things he seems like he means and follows it up by decapitating people. Number three creeps in in situations like last night, when Bryan tells Orton that Triple H inspired him because he knew Orton couldn’t reach his full potential without help, something HE’s never needed! The crowd cheers, and I guess we will not remember that Daniel Bryan kayfabe only got a job in WWE because he participated in a show literally built around established WWE superstars teaching rookies how to reach their full potential. We’ll also forget AJ and that summer he spent going through WWE-ordered anger management therapy. Because, you know, bootstraps or whatever.
I love Daniel Bryan and I want him to be great and successful forever. His matches are still amazing and I haven’t turned on him or whatever, but I can’t just blindly say I like something if I don’t. I have a bad habit of loving wrestlers who eventually hit this point … my two favorite wrestling characters of all time were WCW Trophy Hunter/Conspiracy Victim Chris Jericho and Nation of Domination Rock, and they turned into the two strongest, most soulless pillars of hateful, pandering, unfunny WWE babyfacedom. I don’t want that to happen to Bryan.
Worst: Yep, A Concerned Girlfriend Is Exactly What This Feud Needed
The other thing Daniel Bryan did not need to become the most popular guy in the company is a Concerned Damsel Girlfriend to stand around and yell things like RANDY NO while he gets beaten up. The acknowledgment that Bryan and Brie Bella are a couple is necessary to maintain that shifty kayfabe relationship between Total Divas and WWE TV, but this guy’s been fighting his ass off for months … he does no need someone to feel badly for him while he’s doing it. We already like him and identify with him. He doesn’t need to act like somebody else, have somebody else’s baggage, be a character he isn’t to make him more palatable. He’s already palatable. He has great matches and he yells a thing people like to yell. You are already making money. Stop trying to fix a thing that isn’t broken.
Also, if you’re gonna let Total Divas storylines control what happens on Raw, keep it in the Divas division, won’t you? I don’t want to get to season 3 and have to watch Jojo having brunch with Bray Wyatt or whatever.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
How many Rhodes must a man run down, before they’ll call him a McMahon?
This whole pink T-Shirt thing is actually Khali’s fault. He tried to be helpful by washing everyone else’s shirts, but he threw his pants in too and washed everything in hot water.
If Mr. Perfect were still alive he’d probably love Ziggler like the son he never had.
Curtis Axel is currently sitting in the backseat of Heyman’s car with the windows rolled up and the radio off.
Big Show: “I’m going to knock Triple H out….”
Narrator: “He didn’t.”
*Heath & Jinder about to go to sleep in their hotel room*
Heath: “..Hey Jinder, you awake?”
Heath: “You know it is going to be us, right? We are going to wrestle Los Matadores in their debut tomorrow.”
Drew: “I’M FROM SCOTLAND!!!”
Heath: “We know Drew, we know. Go to bed.”
Big Baby Yeezus
Los Matadores’ Entrance theme sounds like music from a Crash Bandicoot level
Don’t forget: You mess with the bull, you get the Hornswoggle
With Big Show’s crying fit and the Rhodes family showing up..tonight Raw’s going to get a little
Luckily, Big Show punched the wall where Andy Dufresne had dug his way out of Trip’s office.
Thanks, everybody. See you on Sunday for WWE BATTLETOADS.