Hefty Brings You The Secret Origin Of John Cena And His Dancing Pecs

As foretold by every seventh or eighth time you’d punch the John Cena Brawlin’ Buddy, “[it’s] time to take out the trash!”

Last month we shared the news that 15-time world champion, reality-show mogul and general sports host John Cena had signed a deal to be the new spokesman for Hefty trash bags. Today that becomes a reality, as Hefty has officially unveiled their new ad campaign.

Part one (above) sets the stage. If you buy Hefty Ultra Strong, you are declared hefty. If you don’t, you’re (as you might expect) wimpy. Representing wimpy is, as always, Rob Schneider. Rob! The Robster! Roberino, buyin’ trash bags!

Part two (as above, so below) delves deeper into the Cena mythos, revealing that if you’re an average guy and buy Hefty Ultra Strong, it could physically turn you into John Cena. Not make you like John Cena, you actually become him. Your body is simply a vessel for Cena and Hefty Ultra Strong’s otherworldly strength.

Buying non-Hefty trash bags, of course, turns you into Rob Schneider. If you go to your grocery store and the waste disposal aisle is full of weird bearded dudes, don’t worry, they’re just trying to figure out which 13-gallon drawstrings turn you into Kevin Owens.

Part three begins with Rob Schneider having been vanquished, apparently, and explains what happens to John Cena’s boobs when you save money buying Hefty brand trash bags. They dance. I always wondered why Lex Luger’s pecs did that, and now I know. It was about trash bags all along.

What we learned:

– pectoral movement is related to frugality
– Hefty chants from another plane affect what happens in this one
– Rob Schneider is the worst
– Local ladies love John Cena
– please buy Hefty brand Ultra Strong

We know who Hefty should line up for their next ad campaign: