Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Who loves ya, baby? Me, the person who gets down to the nitty and the especially gritty of Impact Wrestling every week just for you.
Disclaimer: Literally the day after this episode aired, Alberto El Patron legitimately no-showed the Impact Wrestling versus Lucha Underground event. After showing up to WrestleCon for a signing (he was on the Twitch stream) and a press conference (also on the stream) the day of said event. His release from the company was announced the following day. So please forgive the pre-“he done done it again” praise you’ll see in this recap. Because I have enough of a headache trying to praise this company’s storytelling while also regularly wanting to say, “they should’ve known better in the first place.”
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact Wrestling on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world. That shouldn’t be too difficult, should it?
Previously: Sami Callihan Bugs Bunny’d himself into a wig and dress, and it was not even the craziest thing to happen that week.
If I Can Be Serious For A Minute
“Since capturing the Impact Wrestling World Championship, he’s taken his game to the Double A level.”
If I can also be pedantic for a minute: Unless you’re saying Austin Aries has “taken his game to the Arn Anderson level,” you mean the “A Double level,” Voiceover Guy. Seriously, everything else about Voiceover Guy this week is an ACE — especially when it comes to catching the audience up, in general — but this right here stuck out to me pretty early on.
Unless Voiceover Guy really did mean that Aries has becoming Arn Anderson-esque. Then keep doing you, baby boy.
And now for the actual bad news: Alberto El Patron’s massive unprofessionalism also led to Impact Wrestling scrubbing their good work from the Internet. You can see some of the presentation of this Road to Redemption “all access pass” in the cached version here, but the page has been deleted. (Strangely enough, I’m not sure they ever actually put the full video up on YouTube anyway.) It sucks, but it’s kind of understandable when you realize the entire El Patron aspect of the video package is about how people were lying about the kind of mess he is and how he wants redemption … only for him to reveal once again the kind of mess he is and that he doesn’t really think he needs redemption of any kind. I think enough people realized just how well Impact did WrestleCon weekend not to bust out the usual “LOLTNA” talking point at El Patron doing him, but at the same time, it’s got to be embarrassing to have an entire feud hinge focus on El Patron possibly being a decent person, only to have to eat his (and their defensive) words.
ACE: All That And A Bag Of Chips
“Tonight, we take a special look at Aries vs. Patron.”
This week (with the help of Voiceover Guy), Impact introduces the “Road to Redemption,” as this pay-per-view is a big fricken deal for the company. It’s essentially the company’s latest coming out party, with new championship belts and what-have-you on the way. I know you probably hate me constantly bringing up the disaster that was the last Bound For Glory, but in a way, this show also has to make up for the disaster that was the last Bound For Glory.
The special look at Aries/Patron is later in the show, but these are my recaps and I can talk about whatever I want, whenever I want. Like how they do really well to highlight a feud in a way I’ve been saying they should do for all their feuds, especially as they constantly have to fill for time. The most similar thing I can compare this to though, is the Rey Mysterio/Johnny Mundo vignettes from Lucha Underground season three, just condensed into one segment.
The entire concept of both men having these chips on their shoulders — Aries because of being underestimated his whole career, El Patron because of his need for redemption, and El Patron’s belief that Aries knows he’s not the “real champion” until he beats him — makes for a good story, and it’s a great framing device for the feud.
I’m still not a fan of Aries not having a real contract with Impact Wrestling, but at the same time, he at least sells the idea that he’s a guy who’s returned to a new version of the company and both knows he needs to adapt and also make it something special. (I also would expect him to drop the title before bailing.) Aries isn’t an “Impact original” in the truest sense of the term, but he’s definitely one of those people you think of when you think of the really good moments in the company’s history.
The entire segment is a pretty serious affair that really shows how big a deal this match is going to be, leading to Aries putting over El Patron’s experience level (alongside his own) and how he knows El Patron won’t overlook him for his size … only for El Patron to bust out a “[size] does matter … in every single department” jab right before it all ends. It’s a dick thing (hehe) to do, but it’s the dick thing to do that actually works here.
EH: Oh Hi, Mark
“People don’t like when I talk about myself and I put myself over, but why not?”
That’s not what people don’t like about you, Alberto El Patron.
My EH is because the drunk Periscoping (I believe people called it “Perro-scoping,” of course) Alberto El Patron we’d constantly see — who would then no-show things the next day, claiming he was “sick” — isn’t some lie that was all Paige’s family. No, that was him. Just like it was him threatening to fight big-nosed Triple H.
Even here, he refuses to fess up about any immaturity during this period, even with the acknowledgment that he was cleared of domestic violence. It was all Paige’s family’s fault. Even though before he said it was the Internet’s fault, for lying. Even though he was publicly embarrassing himself regularly outside of that, but it wasn’t his fault. And now we get to ask whose fault it was that he no-showed Impact’s WrestleMania debut and subsequently got fired.
So, at this point in the vignette, this is what El Patron has to say (as Impact thinks it’s a good idea to plaster a bunch of TMZ articles and the like about “domestic violence” and “domestic battery” because they’re currently on this weird kick about acknowledging the bad press they get like a badge of honor):
“That made me go from loving this company so much to hating this company, with all my guts. To understanding the reason behind the suspension — proving now that I didn’t do absolutely anything. It was just a bullshit lies of a family trying to protect someone from losing her job.”
As I’ve been saying since he cut that rambling promo at Bound For Glory, what exactly did he expect them to do? I understand that Impact has historically been the Wild West, but this was very public, and it was completely appropriate to suspend him until the investigation ended. To not realize that — especially as the face of the company — and complain about that is the behavior of a child.
And the problem is and has always been that El Patron is a grown man, complaining about things like a child. Yet they’re still playing him up as someone the Impact Zone crowd should cheer, as a misunderstood face instead of heel. I wanted to originally write about this in the recap with the in-ring confrontation between Aries and El Patron, but I figured I’d see if they keep trying to play that El Patron is Actually A Good Guy after Aries called him out for his fakeness. They do here, and let me just paste what I cut out for last week’s recap. Because wow does it apply with the way they present him here:
Again with the playing of both sides when it comes to Alberto El Patron. So, we know he’s a heel. We know Austin Aries is right to call him a disingenuous guy. The problem is that Impact still plays him — during the rare in-ring segment he has — like he’s supposed to be the “people’s champion.” Like he’s a man of the people. Basically, he’s the “rich jerk Alberto Del Rio” gimmick in all the backstage segments and video packages, only to be the “babyface, ‘Si! Si! Si!’ jerk Alberto El Patron” in front of the Impact Zone. And technically, the Impact Zone doesn’t know to think any better — at least not in this eternal taping cycle — because they only see the latter. Yes, the Impact Zone sees things like the “greatest man that ever lived” comment and the clapping, but devoid of context, that’s just typical competitive spirit, not necessarily the blatant disrespect El Patron has shown Aries.
Simply put: The idea of El Patron as Impact’s “people’s champion” is insane. Again, they play it so we’re supposed to at least believe El Patron when he’s talking directly to the audience, his amigos. So when he starts off the segment with, “And amigos, you know Alberto El Patron. I fight, I don’t talk. So I’m not gonna stand here 30 minutes talking about myself,” we’re supposed to buy that. We’re supposed to cheer and say “hell yeah!” At least, the live audience is supposed to do that, ignoring things like his past in WWE (because El Patron loves to cut promos about how WWE was the worst place for him, while openly angling to go back to WWE) or the 30 minutes he spent talking about himself at Bound For Glory (the peak of El Patron considering himself a man of the people while complaining).
He also adds, “I want my redemption!” Obviously, it’s because the upcoming pay-per-view is called Redemption, but still … since when does Alberto El Patron want redemption? That’s an admirable thing to want, but his whole thing has been saying he didn’t do anything wrong.
So, yeah.
EH: Shut It Up, Just Shut Up
“Last week! Kryptonite. Arrived. In the form. Of Brian Cage. For: Superman! Walking Armageddon. Lashley!”
I made sure to quote the specific line in the way Josh Mathews actually delivered it. Because it’s insane, and it’s the norm for how he delivers “super important” lines. William Shatner would tell him to chill. And to stop using that Big Boy Voice.
And as I wrote last week, I have no problem with Josh Mathews in other roles in the company (behind-the-scenes and the online stuff). I mention this especially because I spent my Friday watching Impact’s Twitch live stream for WrestleCon, and I couldn’t help but appreciate Mathews for his obvious commitment to the company during it. (Here, have a much-earned ACE on that front, as it easily has turned Josh real face compared to the heel, wandering Sonjay.) But he could still be so much better on commentary — which he actually is during said Twitch stream, barring his insistence that Trevor Lee and Marty the Moth are similar — and I already went on last week about the fact that Impact needs to choose either commentator Josh or character Josh.
ACE/EH: So Here I Am, Growing Older All The Time
This would’ve been a 100% EH if Lashley’s near baby-kissing level of babyface-dom at the beginning of this segment didn’t end up all being a crock of b.s. (not to be confused with B.S., boo.). From last week’s recap:
While that might seem like an insult to Lashley, it’s actually the result of Lashley getting caught off guard after jaw jacking with the referee. Meaning, Lashley can give his typical “you didn’t beat me, I beat myself” excuse before he presumably has to really put Cage over.
So yes, as expected, Lashley comes out to challenge Brian Cage again and call his win the previous victory a “fluke.”
The EH here is the match itself pales in comparison to the previous match. First of all, the story is different, as Lashley gets the drop on Cage but then wrestles the entire match from a place of desperation. The more evenly matched athletic big guy version of this match just flowed better, especially since this match has more of a too rushed pacing. Plus, Lashley looking like a punk against Cage — while the pre-match promo did a good job to show Lashley as the dimming star at “the top of the food chain” — doesn’t actually help to make Cage look better, despite winning in a more decisive way this time.
ACE: A Ten Ticket Thrill Ride
There’s been an increase in in-ring promos these past few weeks, and it’s good to see; because as I’ve mentioned before, the Impact Zone isn’t seeing the backstage stuff and the vignettes and video packages. This is some necessary supplemental material for characters and having the audience understand them. And in this case, having Allie come to the ring, fully determined Allie Face on display — I even wrote in my notes that she’s “clearly pissed off (as much as she can be pissed off)” — is a solid choice to sell her feud with Su Yung.
Allie letting the Impact Zone know she’s “really, really mad” right now might not sound like a big deal, but you’ve got to remember that being mad isn’t exactly Allie’s jam. But as she points out, she’s not scared of monsters anymore — thanks to her BFF Rosemary — and it’s an even bigger deal when she says “ass.” No, it’s not like when Roman Reigns calls someone a “bitch” a bunch to let us know a match is important; Allie’s whole thing is being wholesome. Even when she was the annoying heel assistant to Maria, she was still wholesome.
Josh Mathews’ best call of the night even comes from his reaction to Allie saying “ass”: “That’s inappropriate.” He says it like he’s going to tattle on her to the higher ups. He later follows it up by saying, “I like the moxie being shown by Allie.” So apparently Josh Mathews is secretly just an old man, though the jury’s still out on who has the best getaway sticks on the roster.
The actual match that happens between Allie and Su Yung isn’t all that lengthy, though it does have Mathews and Dutt actually calling it (instead of talking about anything but the match), making it easily a better experience than the recent Allie title defense against Sienna. This is all clearly a set-up match and another reminder that Braxton Sutter is such a delusional dweeb.
At one point Su Yung kicks Allie’s leg out of her leg, and the general match is proof of how explosive a wrestler she is. She’s also an unhinged character who’s more about violence than anything else, which is how we get to the kendo stick DQ finish. Actually, we get there because of the closest thing to an EH of this segment: Su Yung not having the match won after a draping Pedigree.
ACE: Have You Ever Danced With The Devil In The Pale Moonlight
“Get excited, Hivelings. Next week, family trip down the road to Valhalla. … So please, Thunder Goddess — join us in a Demon’s Dance, and let’s settle this once and for all!”
I’m guessing the “Demon’s Dance” match is the same as the “Red Wedding” match Rosemary and Taya Valkyrie were supposed to have ages ago … only they finally realized the match shouldn’t have the same name as Rosemary’s finisher.
Or maybe it’s a pec dance party. We’ll just have to wait and see.
ACE: Looking For A Mind At Work
Look at McKenzie Mitchell, on the way to Studio 54. Or … prom. Even rocking the body glitter. Slay.
EH: Helpless
Josh Mathews: “You know whose fault this is? It’s Austin Aries’ fault. Austin Aries cost me what I’ve been working for for years and what means more to me than anything in my life. More than my wife, more than the dog, more than the Titans. More than anything — and that was the Impact Grand Championship. That was gifted to me, by you. … I hate Austin Aries. We will be the downfall of Austin Aries.”
Matt Sydal: “Oh yes we will. You’re completely right. And I’m gonna handle Petey Williams at Redemption.”
Look at Matt Sydal, somehow becoming a worse talker the more he has to talk. It would be impressive if it weren’t just baffling. I suppose the EH isn’t to how insane Mathews is — though there’s cause for concern as to how this dingus is going to be “the downfall of Austin Aries” and the fact that he’ll be “wrestling” next week — but it definitely is to how Sydal can’t seem to sound like he believes in literally anything he says in a promo. Not even in just saying something in the affirmative. Not even that he’ll be facing Petey Williams at Redemption. He’s … he’s had conversations before, right? With people?
There’s also just the fact that Sydal’s enlightenment story — as appropriately douchey as it is — doesn’t quite make sense when Mathews is clearly anything but “centered.” Because you would assume Mathews’ whole deal is that he’s good at pretending to be this cool, calm, and collected guru, but he’s still very much petulant teenager Josh Mathews. Sydal really is the dumbest character on this roster, isn’t he?
EH: Now Why Don’t You Make Like A Tree And Get Outta Here
The building up of Fallah Bahh as a stealth threat (and KM’s one-week-old anti-fat kid agenda) was all for face Tyrus. Who shouts “‘Nuff said” at the end of the segment like he’s expecting the Impact Zone to say his catchphrase (?) along with him. They do not.
Oh, it was also for Josh Mathews to laugh at all of KM’s fat “jokes,” because this show can’t decide what Mathews is all about. (This is followed by him literally announcing: “The big man! The FOX News correspondent! The heavy hitter! Tyrus!”)
ACE: #MMMGorgeous
On the plus side, it’s Taiji Ishimori versus Johnny Impact. And there’s apparently a possibility that Jimmy Jacobs is in love with Johnny Impact, because I can’t think of another actual reason behind the Johnny Impact/Kongo Kong feud besides the pre-established “Johnny Gorgeous” and “the bubble” stuff … but commentary seems adamant there’s got to be more.
EH: Tell Me Why
But why is this match happening? Is it to “build momentum?” Are they both starting at the bottom? Is Ishimori moving over to Heavyweight? Is Johnny moving over to X-Division? When will Impact Wrestling learn that Josh Mathews hyping Ishimori and how cool his music is is only going to make people turn on Ishimori? (Well, maybe not the Impact Zone, because they aren’t privy to the way Mathews has an out-of-body experience when Ishimori comes out. We, unfortunately, are.)
Why is this the match Dutt and Mathews choose to talk Mathews’ “strategy” for next week? Why are we doing Josh Mathews in-ring at all again? Was the finish kind of botched? How can Mathews say “There are no replays.” — and really, he should’ve just not called out Ishimori’s foot on the rope for a second at all — right before they show replays? Why does Dutt think every move Eli Drake goes for is the Gravy Train?
That last one actually applies to the main event, but I still need an answer.
I Said Hey, What’s Going On?
I’m actually curious what Impact Wrestling is doing with Moose. Because it’s getting — gotten? — to a point where it just feels like he can’t be taken seriously. He keeps basically saying “Year of Moose. Suck it.” but like Penny Hartz, he’s really getting nowhere. Yes, Eli Drake causes a ref bump and oVe gets involved in the match, but then you have Eddie Edwards saving the day … and then you have Drake looking like he’s going to steal it, only for a long two-count … and then Drake hits that Gravy Train, for an even longer three-count. That’s kind of as clean of a win as you can get from Eli Drake. That’s not what you’d expect against Moose, right? I was not expecting Drake to win at all, honestly; I certainly didn’t watch the match with that expectation. (Yeah, sure, maybe he hit Moose with Sami’s bat. Maybe.)
So, is a heel turn in his cards, presumably at Redemption? With this match, he’s officially been sucked into Edwards’ oVe vortex — he probably shouldn’t have going on about how that’s his buddy last week — and I can see him snapping at the possibility of a bat to the face. I think we’d all snap at the possibility of a bat to the face.
And now, it is your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap and also comment. Do it for Moose’s confidence. Do it to avoid a bat to the face.
