Hello Impact fans and curious rubberneckers! I’m Elle Collins, and this is the Knockout Report. I’ll fill you in on everything that happens in Impact Wrestling, but I’m always going to lead with the Knockouts Division, because they deserve it. You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. You can watch Impact Wrestling on the Pursuit Channel or Twitch every Friday night at 10 p.m. Then on Mondays, read this column and share it with everyone you know.
Two weeks ago on Impact, Scarlett Bordeaux chose herself, Tessa Blanchard tried to murder Gail Kim, and LAX defeated oVe. Last week, I didn’t manage to get a Report together because we were busy with Royal Rumble coverage, but don’t worry, I’ll catch you up as we go. Now without further ado, here’s the Knockout Report for February 1, 2019.
Melissa Santos Is Here!
Melissa Santos, the ring announcer from Lucha Underground, is now a backstage interviewer at Impact! She’s a fun and stylish presence, and with LU’s future uncertain, this feels like a good place for her. Impact often changes up their interviewers whenever tapings move to a new city, but hopefully Melissa has the prestige to stick around, because she’s great.
Kiera Hogan and Jordynne Grace Defeated Allie and Su Yung
Kiera and Jordynne ignored Rosemary’s warning from last week that this isn’t their fight, which seemed like a bad idea but didn’t lead to disaster this week, at least. Kiera ended up looking pretty naive early on, as her insistence on arguing with the ref made it easier for Su and Allie to brutalize Jordynne outside the ring, but that’s just one of the perils of being a babyface. Fortunately Jordynne’s no fool, and she managed to dodge Su’s red mist that took her out at Homecoming. Kiera was also quick on her feet, taking advantage of Rosemary’s sudden appearance where Su had been to suplex and pin Allie while she’s freaking out and distracted.
Why does Rosemary keep appearing in Su’s Place? Is it because they both exist between Earth and the Undead Realm? Why hasn’t Rosemary really done anything yet? Considering she didn’t want Kiera and Jordynne involved, she sure doesn’t seem to be getting any matches of her own yet. I’m still enjoying this angle, mostly because of the talented women involved, but it’s been a month since Rosemary’s return at Homecoming, and hopefully a new chapter starts soon.
Scarlett Bordeaux Is Doing It For Herself
I don’t know, y’all. I feel like this whole Scarlett Bordeaux thing might work a whole lot better when she starts wrestling.
Her cartoonish over-sexualization seems to be a choice she’s making, and I don’t entirely object to the idea that there’s room for something like that, especially as part of a women’s division with a lot of other stuff going on, which the Knockouts have. And when you watch her bite on that banana with a bored look on her face, it’s hard to deny she’s doing a parody of something as much as she’s doing the thing.
Taya Valkyrie Is Back And Looking Strong
Taya returned last week and looked dominant against Keyra. The very best local jobbers are always masked local jobbers, by the way. Then she cut a promo about how she’s leaving Killer Kross (who attacked her at Homecoming) to Johnny, because what she wants to focus on defending the Knockouts Championship against all comers.
Then this week, they played a promo that Tessa posted on Twitter, in which the still-suspended former Knockouts Champion announced as soon as her suspension is up, she’s coming to take her title bak from Taya. Her suspension just happens to end in two weeks, when Impact is having one of their branded TV episodes where big things happen, which they’re called Uncaged. So that’s going to be fun to watch, and I think some involvement from Gail Kim is very likely.
Meanwhile, In Guyville
The Lucha Bros and Taurus Defeated LAX and Daga
Daga and Taurus are fun, and Taurus is straight-up just a Minotaur from a cheap fantasy movie wrestling in full costume, but including them here kind of just felt like a delaying tactic on the way to the inevitable tag title rematch. This whole storyline has been a bit jumbled, with the two teams being friends but also being mad at each other but also still being friends but also determined to beat each other, and Konnan hasn’t done the greatest job of selling any of it, including why he was against their first match but he’s for this one. All of this is unfortunately colored by the knowledge that this set of tapings is probably the Lucha Bros’ last hurrah in Impact, which sad for Impact but probably not for them.
Eli Drake and Eddie Edwards Defeated the Rascalz
Last week the Rascalz were on top, with Trey beating Ethan Page one-on-one while Dez and Wentz defeated Desi Hit Squad. This week their fortunes were reversed, as Dez and Wentz got taken out by two guys who don’t even like each other. The way it was happened was pretty cool, though. Eddie was unable to resist the call of Kenny the kendo stick, and was about to get his team DQed for bringing it into the ring. Then Eli grabs the stick out of Eddie’s hand and hits Dez with it while the ref’s still arguing with Eddie.
This storyline with Eli Drake really highlights the strange forthrightness of Eddie Edwards’ babyface hardcore persona. He’ll willingly get disqualified for bringing foreign object into the ring before he’ll hit anybody behind the ref’s back. It’s a great contrast with Eli, who claims not to even like hardcore wrestling but will take every sneaky advantage he can get. This is a good time for these two guys to feud, and I’m enjoying it.
Rich Swann Has a Long History With Sami Callihan
I love when wrestling shows use actual old photos of young just-starting-out wrestlers to build storylines. Last week Rich Swann defeated El Hijo Del Vikingo, and then Sami Callihan came out to say that Rich owes him because of all the help and support Sami gave him when he was young. This week we see that Sami wasn’t lying, but Rich makes a good point when he refuses to join oVe. Sami says oVe is a family, but what he really wants are minions, and Rich wasn’t made to be a minion.
Psycho Clown Defeated Fallah Bahh
Of course he did! What did you think was going to happen?
Moose and Killer Kross Defeated Johnny Impact and Brian Cage
This whole thing where Brian Cage wants a rematch with Johnny Impact but first they have to deal with Moose and Killer Kross is feeling really stretched out and tired at this point. Fortunately the match has now been set, for the aptly named “Uncaged” episode in two weeks. Once that happens, we can hopefully change directions a little bit. On that note, the way Cage hung back and let Moose pin Johnny here made me think that if Johnny manages to retain in their rematch, Cage may fully turn heel and beat him down afterwards. Honestly, I’d be up for that.
That’s all for this week’s Knockout Report. Join me next week when the Lucha Bros once again challenge LAX for the Impact Tag Team Championships.