Welcome to episode 20 of season two of the Over/Under of Lucha Underground, our gently reworded Best and Worst report about every episode of the best wrestling show on television. Holy crap, we’re almost to Ultima Lucha Dos.
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And now, the Over/Under on Lucha Underground season two, episode 20.
Over: Black Lotus Club
This week’s opening segment is Black Lotus telling Dario Cueto about El Dragon Azteca Jr. trying to get to Matanza and how she stopped him — I love presenting these sentences without context, because haha what the f*ck is happening on this show — and ending up in a match with EDAJ at, fanfare noise please, Ultima Lucha Dos.
I like the dynamic here that everyone is lying to everyone else, and most of them know it. If Dario’s been lying to Black Lotus about El Dragon Azteca killing her family, she’s gonna send her tribe (of Joshi stars) (God, I hope) after him. No matter what, Dario’s positioned two people who have beef with him against one another, and has manipulated them into lying to each other about cage monsters and decades-old murders. That’s pretty great.
Under: The Lucha Underground Taping Schedule
We’re almost done with season two, and Ultima Lucha Dos is coming. In my head I’m like, “oh, cool, I’d love to go see that. I should figure out my schedule and see if I can get to The Temple again.” Then I realize they’re midway through season three already, and taped Ultima Lucha Dos in like 2003. That kinds sucks if you have any interest in Lucha Underground as an actual wrestling promotion. What, am I gonna go see a taping for season four before season two’s done airing? It’s like watching Infinity War Part 2 before you’ve seen Civil War.
Yes, I am aware that “the wrestling show’s schedule isn’t ideal for me” is the world’s lamest First World Problem.
Over: Dog Fight
The first match of the episode, kind of, is Marty the Moth Martinez and Kill Shot — is that one word or two? I can never keep it together. He’s a Youngblood character, right? — scrapping over Kill Shot’s stolen dog tags.
It’s a personal brawl, so I like that they dismiss with the presentation and get straight into kicking each other as hard as possible in the head. They alternately one-up each other until Marty’s able to slip away with the tags again, and I’m not sure if I’m worried about or super into a story that I’m assuming ends with Marty being shot with a f*cking rifle.
Over: The Wire
After that, we jump to the police precinct, which is absolutely not on television, to find Mr. Cisco being questioned by the LU-Verse’s undercover police squad. It turns out they want Cisco to wear a wire, because Dario trusts him the most. I will stop watching all other TV shows if they give me a luchador with a tennis ball fabric mask and call him “Fuzzy Dunlop.”
I like the undercover police story, but now that we’ve moved into “Lorenzo Lamas is getting into limos with the lucha libre devil,” I feel like we’ve moved past it a little. Seriously, local cops, just go to a Lucha Underground show. Clark Duke and A.C. Green can get into them, it’s not like only the grittiest and dirtiest underground jerks can gain admittance. The star of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 has gotten close to Dario Cueto, why are y’all taking the long way around?
Over: A Goddamn Nunchuck Match
The biggest compliment I can give Lucha Underground is that they ran on the same night as NXT TakeOver: The End and had maybe the most memorable moment of my Wednesday. That, my friends, is a f*cking nunchucks match.
If you haven’t been following along, there are two pretty well established sets of “best friends” in LU. The easy one is Jack Evans and PJ Black, two dickhead Caucasian dudes in a matching set of three who ride bikes, may or not turn into wolves (one of them, at least), and actively try not to notice or ask why Jack Evans and Angelico have matching gear. PJ BLACK IS JUST LIKE ANGELICO, SHUT UP. The other is the loving friendship betwixt a reincarnated martial-arts luchador dragon and an Aztec time-traveler from space with rocket boots. They all like doing nunchucks, and once almost got into a nunchucks fight in the bathroom of a mystical underground fighting warehouse. I like this show a lot.
If you missed it, yo, they beat each other up with nunchucks. If you were ever a kid who liked the Ninja Turtles and watched wrestling, this is your Christmas. No adult should have lost touch with their inner child so devastatingly that can’t be at least passingly into lucha libre plus nunchucks.
It’s not a bait and switch, either. It’s not an inferno match or whatever, where the stipulation makes you think EVERYBODY’S GONNA BE ON FIRE and then the finish is Kane’s thick-ass boot getting lit on fire for two seconds before he’s bumrushed with fire extinguishers. The finish here, as it should be, is Drago beating the holy piss-Christ out of Jack Evans with nunchucks. He f*cks him up, spits green mist in his face and pins him. Boom. Nunchucks match. Five stars. I don’t rate sh*t with stars, but five stars.
Over: CHAVO MIEDO
Pro tip: If you’re about to wrestle and Pentagon Jr. wheels up behind you in a motorized wheelchair, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.
The main event is a 12-person tag match, where the winning team of six gets put into a six-person match and the winner of that gets to face The Monster Matanza Cueto Esquire at Ultima Lucha Dos. Pentagon wants in on that and sexual torture has fixed his broken back (just like in The Dark Knight Rises!), so he breaks Chavo’s arm and takes his spot. Dario Cueto lets this happen because hey, he’s already gotten his arm threatened once, and the end result of that was Matanza making Pentagon look like a punk. So what’s he got to lose?
As you might imagine, the team with Pentagon on it wins. The best part (besides “Ninja Skeleton” getting namedropped, and you’re welcome) is that JOHN MUNDO is the guy who gets the pin, and it’s on Prince Puma. I love that they’re the Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn of Lucha Underground, and I hope the show gets popular enough and has enough money to keep them both around and feuding with each other forever. Mundo ends up taking Puma to muh-f*ckin’ Slamtown by way of booting Rey Mysterio into Puma’s nuts, because he is the Rube Goldberg of pro wrestling nutshots.
Like most multi-person LU affairs, this one does a lot to tie together preexisting relationships, further a series of interlocking personal rivalries and, you know, feature some bonkers pro wres. We are very spoiled to get a show like this and a show like The End on the same night.
Over: ILL MUERTES
You knew it was gonna happen, but here it is. While King Cuerno was busy, Dead But Always Dead Catrina sneaks into his taxidermy-ridden log cabin (or whatever) and uses her magical rubble-rock to bring Mil Muertes back from the underworld for a second time. Third time? Second time we’ve seen.
Now Mil has RED eyes and his mask (and head?) are held together with shoelaces. Also he is FULL OF PLASTER OR WHATEVER THEY STUFF DEAD ANIMALS WITH, I DON’T KNOW. But he’s pissed off and breaking glass cases of emotions WITH HIS SHOE FACE and HOLY SH*T Y’ALL MIL MUERTES 3.0. Matanza should probably get back in his cage and calmly lock the door.