Music sure is swell, eh? Who doesn’t like a good treble clef or glockenspiel solo or half rest, am I right? Well, if we’ve learned anything from critically acclaimed art rockers Fozzy, it’s that rock music (that thing white dads like!) and wrestling make one heck of a tag team.
In 2002, the World Wrestling Federation released an album that combined rock/nü metal/rapcore/moan men/trash tunez/post dump/#NotAllMen luminaries with pro graps themed subject matter. The result was a jumbo-sized compilation titled WWF Forceable Entry. It was a musical offering where Drowning Pool could rub sledgehammers with Triple H and Limp Bizkit could showcase what a “Dead Man Mix” of “Rollin’” might sound like.
As a public service, I’ll be rolling (dead man mix style) through WWF Forceable Entry to provide a track-by-track rundown of what’s on this fascinating pseudo-sequel to WWF Aggression. My taste is garbage (BARENAKED LADIES DIE-HARD ON THE KEYS), so if my observations are dumb butts bananacakes, just know that I’m wrong and you’re right.
It’s time to ring the bell and let’s get this garbage shower flowin’!
Drowning Pool – The Game (Triple H)
Pffftttt…. Who needs Motörhead when you’ve got Drowning Pool? Everybody, apparently. Holy shit this is miserable. The familiar Motörhead version struts around with this badass air of goofy recklessness (even if at Wrestlemania 21 Lemmy half-chewed/half-forgot the words “GUH YERG A LUH- – *asks security if he’s at an RV show or a monster truck rally*), but Drowning Pool’s take goes the route of wuss metal bumbling complete with misplaced whispering at the start. It’s like subbing out a spine-snapping gorilla that lifts weights to show off a pigeon that brags to his buds that he’s got a bad attitude.
This seems like a good place to give a hearty thumbs up to the other Motörhead Triple H theme that more or less suggests that The Disciplinarian off The Drew Carey Show is Jesus F*cking Christ. Full points awarded there.
Kid Rock – Legs (Stacy Keibler)
Joe C’s sidekick is here to cover ZZ Top and remind sports entertainment fans that Stacy Kei-bler has these long cylinder type things on the lower half of her body. Informative! This scuzzy re-imagining of “Legs” features a bit in the middle that’s intended to show off elite turntablist skills, but it just comes across like the record scratch bit off “MMMBop” was thrown in a fun-house mirror. Is that Uncle Kracker’s doing? Was he gone at that point? Either way, nuts to that dude. Also nuts to this song. Kid Rock’s version of “Legs” has its modest charms in select chunklets but there’s no reason for this thing to rub its musk caked armpit in your face for nearly five minutes straight.
Creed – Young Grow Old (2002 Backlash Theme)
Nothing says whomping ass quite like Scott Stapp! (Just ask the Marlins.) Yes, this was the offi-cial theme for the time Billy and Chuck retained the tag team belts in their tilt with Maven and Al Snow. Clutch that memory close to your bosom, Creed + WWF/E enthusiasts! “Young Grow Old” is moan rock dug up from the bonus tracks off 1999’s Human Clay. It’s one of the more muscly offerings from the band’s catalogue, but it’s still impossibly silly. It’s like something that mutated off a Trey Parker rock anthem and decided that THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. Just look at some of the items from Stapp’s musical musings column that make up this self-indulgent whiff of nut fog.
“There’s a fight between boy and man
See the light through the open door
Sit and watch as the young grow old.”
I bet Stapp put on a clean white tank top once he finished penning those gems and called up the band to tell them that he’d written lyrics so profound that it’d make the public shit their pants. WHY DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN?
Disturbed – Glass Shatters (Stone Cold Steve Austin)
Any musical offering affiliated with Stone Cold Steve Austin that isn’t H-Blockx’s ‘Oh Hell Yeah’ deserves a ticker tape parade and a marble statue in its honour. (I’ve accidentally called many an elementary school teacher “mom” and even I find ‘Oh Hell Yeah’ too embarrassing to relive.) This version is still total garbage though. Austin’s theme was sort of plain to begin with, but it had snazzy glass break noises and bald man walkin’ guitar business. In the clutches of Dis-turbed, we get David Draiman going on about how he’s gonna break the limit inside you like he’s in an Alta Vista BDSM chatroom. It’s meant to sound badass, but it really just sounds like some-one having a gallbladder attack at Jerry Lawler’s sparklebro t-shirt warehouse.
Limp Bizkit – Rollin’ (Dead Man Mix) (The Undertaker)
“CHOCOLATE STARFISH!” The Undertaker is very protective of his character, which is why Fred Durst was trusted shout out a butthole euphemism off the top of this track. Thank good-ness there’s a “Dead Man Mix” that can tell my grandkids about! I like the dorky alignment of Limp Bizkit’s steakhead nonsense being the entrance music for a guy that is meant to be death personified (BUT NOW ON A MOTORCYCLE VROOM VROOM VROOM). I get a weird kick of this. It’s too dumb to actively hate.
Our Lady Peace – Whatever (Chris Benoit)
I’m guessing this one generates a lot uncomfortable collar tugging whenever it ever pops up at the gym.
Rob Zombie – Never Gonna Stop (The Black Cat Crossing Mix) (Edge)
The Devil’s Rejects is an awesomely uncomfortable film that just worms its way into your mar-row. “Never Gonna Stop (The Black Cat Crossing Mix)” isn’t at that standard by any means. This Rob Zombie cut is goofy more than anything else. (Like if Criminal Minds needed “DAN-GER SEX CLUB” music, they’d be all over this before Thomas Gibson could give a defeated blink.) It’s not a song that suggests that Edge will pummel you without mercy, but more like something that he’d use for a PowerPoint presentation displaying new pant design prototypes he’s cooked up.
Breaking Point – One Of A Kind (Rob Van Dam)
Rob Van Dam’s “One Of A Kind” theme in its edited WWE day-to-day incarnation is mediocre but not evil or anything like that. It just sort of sounds like something the in-house team for a hockey team would fart out as a goal music during an ideas workshop. The extended “proper” version of “One Of A Kind” is substantially worse. (Largely because you have to suffer through its full runtime.) WWF Forceable Entry edition “One Of A Kind” is a watery dump into the nostrils of the soul. All of your favourite early 00s modern rock trappings are here but with nothing worthwhile to balance it out. For a dude that’s presented by the WWE as “He’s like that turtle from Finding Nemo but is probably high a lot (more)” you’d think he’d get something different off the Wind-Up Records assembly line.
Marilyn Manson – The Beautiful People (The WWF Remix) (WWF Smackdown!)
“The Beautiful People” gets the WWF Remix treatment which is a lot of less enticing in practice than it sounds on paper. (Such a missed opportunity for questionable Lita vocals or Kurt Angle playing the tambourine.) The jagged edges of this galloping metal anthem get an unnecessary pseudo goth bubble wrap tweak that doesn’t really do anyone any favours. That’s more of a mi-nor quibble, really. “The Beautiful People” still makes me want to f*ck shit up while on Franken-steinback. NO DAD! I WILL NOT GO TO BED! I WILL GO TO HELL! *throws axe at a stack of math homework*
The Union Underground – Across The Nation (WWF RAW)
HAHAHAHAHA! What is this? Was this song done on purpose? It feels like a mistake that no one caught until it was too late. Big fan of the lyrics, by the way. “Move to the music/Play that f*cking music” indeed! What movement do you make to this? Like, do you mismanage your child support payment to this? Is that a movement?
Sevendust – Break The Walls Down (Chris Jericho)
The Sevendust edition of “Break The Walls Down” is such a weird offering. It’s like Lajon With-erspoon is trying to reach in and pull out “THE REAL MEANING” of Chris Jericho’s theme. The trouble is that there isn’t really that much of a meaning beyond “HA! WORDPLAY PLUS I’M GOOD AT THIS! ALSO AGREEABLE SNOT ROCK BITS!” that you can get under your finger-nails. (Imagine what they could find if they covered Sam and the Womp!) Wait, is the “Jericho’s on your ass” chunklet in the regular edition of the theme? No! It’s an additional flourish. You can’t stop an artist from, uh, expressing themselves, you know. ART!
Saliva – Turn The Tables (Dudley Boyz)
How mortified would you be if you beaten to a pulp to this? It’s like someone farted out a parody of nü metal and just Mad Libbed in “tables” as the noun. This thing is haemorrhaging cringe va-pours, complete with glued-in guitar flexing and RAP ROCK DUDEZ lyrics spitting. I could pic-ture Guy Fieri’s goatee securing a wallet chain to this.
Monster Magnet – Live For The Moment (Matt Hardy)
Monster Magnet is a cute choice for a Hardy Boyz cut because Monster Magnet essentially are like if drugs formed a band. It’s not exactly a high octane rawk stormer, but I’m good with “Live For The Moment” and its battle damaged warrior magnetism. You could totally fall of a ladder in slow motion to this.
Stereomud – End Of Everything (Raven)
Having grown up with pseudo-grunge Raven (which sorta blew up after grunge was a thing but whatever) it feels like a mild betrayal to sync him up with Stereomud. It’s murky, but in a face-less sorta way. It’s brooding music for dudes that are unhappy with the quality of their facial hair stencils, I guess.
Neurotica – Ride Of Your Life (2002 King Of The Ring Theme)
Jesus Christ, this is time I could be spending learning how the stock market works or abusing solvents or maybe learning how to drive. What the hell am I doing with my life? (This song is also not very good.)
Cypress Hill – Just Another Victim (Tazz)
Gem! This is a moderate gem! Cypress Hill sound like they’re getting a kick out of churning out a wrestling theme and that goes a long way for this dope. (It’s also a PSA about the dangers of spine ripping outing! Get the message out!) There’s this delightful soundbite dump in the middle of “Just Another Victim” where you get to hear Michael Cole say things like “one word describes: effective” which enchantingly bland. Cypress Hill go on about how Tazz will beat the soul out of you and Cole pops in to give the box factory tour of compliments. You don’t want to mess with Tazz! His moves are EFFECTIVE! HIS IN-RING COMPETENCY WILL TEAR YOUR WORLD APART!
Dope – No Chance (Vince McMahon)
I prefer the Chris Warren version because everything he touches sounds like a knock-off muta-tion of Rage Against The Machine that only plays corporate luncheons. That’s a magical thing we should all treasure. This version by nü metal vets Dope can’t live up to that sort of back-wards ass alchemy. What can? A barber shop quartet version from the Mean Street Posse? Maybe.
Boy Hits Car – Lovefurypassionenergy (Lita)
This sounds like background music for a yogurt commercial aimed at people that get into fist-fights at motocross expos. Come back, Luchagors, all most is forgiven.
Finger Eleven – Slow Chemical (Kane) (Bonus Track)
I’m cool with this reworking from Finger Eleven. I’m not made of stone. The goodwill pretty much flames out one we get into the MODERN ROCK wailing portion of this cut, but the opening bit? It’s faithful yet fleshed out. Superb. I like to imagine Kane still has a connection to this Canadian rock doofuses and twirls around backstage in Corporate Kane gear while clutching his mask and singing “One Thing”. A single flammable tear might roll down his cheek.
What a magical (and occasionally Durstical!) journey this has been! WWF Forceable Entry, you are one fascinatingly snarly and silly compilation of beat-em-up dude/dudette theme tunes. I wish you well wherever you are, be it a dinner party with the Royal Family or a filth caked corner of a shady looking pawn shop.