NWA Powerrr Episode 9: Rock ‘n’ Roll Will Never Die

Previously on NWA Powerrr: A clip show with exactly one terrible, wonderful match that put a man’s mask up against the possibility of dudes who don’t want to read Shakespeare having to read Shakespeare.

If you’d like to keep up with these columns, you can do so on the NWA Powerrr tag page. Remember, NWA Powerrr and all its extra Rs is free to watch on YouTube, so check out episode nine if you haven’t already:

NWA Out Of The 🍳🍳🍳

Last week’s show was a clip show due to some combination of the Thanksgiving holiday in the United States, and all the Jim Cornette nonsense. Jim Cornette’s so tough to employ without incident he’s the only guy I know who can strap a Thanksgiving turkey to his back and ride a motor scooter through [reads the room] … nevermind.

This week’s show is unfortunately more of the same, taking more of an “in-studio” approach than a show already set in a studio should ever take. It’s mostly Joe Galli staring at the camera and telling us what’s supposed to be on the show, instead of, you know, the show happening and telling us what’s supposed to be on it. Again, I don’t know if it’s because they’re trying to include as little Cornette content as possible or if they just ran out of usable footage or what, but it leaves us with a grand total of 7:35 of in-ring action on an hour-long wrestling show. That’s gonna be hard to sell to a wrestling audience, much less a niche wrestling audience, much less a wrestling audience already either pissed or empowered by racist bullshit and asked to sit through a YouTube video.

The remaining 39 minutes and two seconds is mostly dedicated to hype and video packages selling the upcoming pay-per-view. These include:

• The Question Mark wandering around a wrestling convention (pictured), which at least gave us cameos from Teddy Long and Member of Harlem Heat Stevie Ray in addition to a few valuable seconds of Kamille
• James Storm explaining that he got his shot at the NWA World Heavyweight Championship by winning a triple threat match that the NWA won’t air for some reason, and putting over the fact that the pay-per-view is live, and therefore can’t be edited. That’s … odd. He also shows footage from an NWA pop up event that The Spider Lord Varys doesn’t want shown.
• We also find out that the two-out-of-three falls match between Storm and Nick Aldis will allow each man to choose a referee for one of the falls, with the NWA selecting the ref for the third fall, should it come to that. Storm picks Brian Hebner, because if there’s any referee name you can trust in high-pressure championship situations, it’s Hebner.
• footage of The Great Muta from WrestleCade, wherein he mists jobber legend George South and confronts Nick Aldis. Also, SONNY ONOO IS THERE. Can we do [gestures wildly] all of that at the pay-per-view instead?
• Nick Aldis chooses Tim Storm as his referee, by the way, because when you need someone to call it down the middle, you should choose a guy who is heartbroken about never being able to challenge for the championship again himself
• additionally, BAD NEWS BARRETT is announced as the color commentary replacement for Jim Cornette at Into the Fire, seen here in the most DIY way possible on an upturned laptop. Stu too busy to send y’all a Cameo?

And Speaking Of That Jim Cornette Stuff

The most insane part of the episode is that after all the controversy and editing and chat rooms full of dudes spamming BRING BACK CORNETTE YOU SNOWFLAKES, the NWA recorded a special video thanks to him. The guy said some at worst racist and at best extremely tone-deaf and dated shit, left the company over it, spend half an hour of a podcast dragging y’all and explaining why it was everyone else’s fault but his, (presumably) caused huge and sometimes important chunks of video to be cut from your shows turning the past two weeks into ClipshowMania, and divided your fanbase into offended people who don’t want to watch anymore for fear of hearing racist shit and reverse-offended people who don’t want to watch anymore because you fired the guy saying racist shit, and you thank him for it? You seriously Please Sir May I Have Another’d him?

I mean, all right. You do you.

A Women’s Division With No Heroes

Melina shows up and talks about how the women in the NWA were a “commercial break” before she showed up — commercials for Highspots, and waffles and tire irons, I guess? — but then turns it into a thing where she’s just here to help them. She’s been to Hell and back a few times and has learned some important life lessons, such as … uh, enlisting the help of a half skeleton lady who summons mysterious drums when she’s in the ring and manipulating the champion’s friend into turning on her?

Allysin Kay shows up, puffs up, and delivers her promo like an inch from Melina’s nose. She is also not a hero, as she started Powerrr as World Women’s Champion and basically staffed the roster with her easy-to-defeat-and-control friends. This turns into a brief scuffle in the ring, which Melina wins thanks to a 3-on-1 advantage. I mean, am I supposed to cheer for the referee, or what?

The Actual Matches Were Notable, At Least!

National Heavyweight Champion Colt Cabana’s scheduled to have an “exhibition” against Ricky Starks when Aron Stevens and ?THE QUESTION MARK? show up to protest. Cabana hops out of the ring, gives Stevens his spot in the match, and says that if he wins, he can be considered for a chance at a chance at the National Heavyweight Championship, or … something. The new match ensues, and Stevens, who looks troublesomely nude in the ring, quickly fakes a knee injury. This gives Question Mark a chance to drain 100% of Starks’ HP with the power of kara-tay.

Just want to point out that despite being ostensibly a comedy character with the very obvious private identity of a guy who couldn’t win wrestling matches before he put on the mask, The Question Mark’s “karate” strike is apparently legitimately the most powerful move in wrestling and can instant kill mode even the biggest or brightest stars in the company. You get hit with ONE uppercut with his hand in the “I love you” sign and it’s fucking CURTAINS for you. Hilarious.

Stevens gets added to the Cabana vs. Starks National Heavyweight Championship match at Into the Fire. Wait, were Cabana and Starks gonna have an exhibition of the match they were gonna ask people to drop $20 to see?

Finally we have the in-their-sixties Rock ‘n’ Roll Express winning the Tag Team Championship from the Wild Cards, which would be a really great moment if (1) Jim Cornette hadn’t gotten into the ring to celebrate with them, necessitating that Leonard Maltin-ass explanation of his existence, and (2) they weren’t doing a rematch at Into the Fire and (again, presumably) switching them right back. I reserve the right to get all my boyish excitement about this back if Morton and Gibson manage to retain at the pay-per-view — there are a lot of stories you can do with legendary tag champs thrust back into relevancy by a tag title win and exposure on a national stage again, certainly more than you can tell with the Great Value Ascension.

Bonus points if they explain that they actually hate Jim Cornette, because they literally always have, and are the #1 and #2 guy you would kayfabe expect to hate Jim Cornette. They were only on his side during the worst parts of their careers. Minus points if they apologize to him.