Did you know WrestleMania 30 is on Sunday? I BET YOU DIDN’T.
We’ve hyped it about as much as we can. It’s the 30th WrestleMania. Hulk Hogan’s gonna be there. The Ultimate Warrior’s gonna be there. Daniel Bryan might walk out of the Superdome with the WWE Championship. Everything important in the wrestling year happens NOW, and if I wasn’t typing this from New Orleans already I’d be tearing out my hair to get there.
Here is your official, final-as-it’s-gonna-be WrestleMania 30 card:
– Pre-show match for the WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos (c) vs. The Real Americans vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback vs. Los Matadores
1. Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H, with the winner being added to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match later in the show.
2. The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal (announced participants: Alberto Del Rio, Big E, Big Show, Brad Maddox, Brodus Clay, Christian, Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow, Darren Young, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Drew McIntyre, Goldust, The Great Khali, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal, Justin Gabriel, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, The Miz, Rey Mysterio, Sheamus, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Sin Cara, Titus O’Neil, and Zack Ryder.)
3. The Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational, aka AJ Lee (c) vs. Aksana, Alicia Fox, Brie Bella, Cameron, Emma, Eva Marie, Layla, Naomi, Natalya, Nikki Bella, Rosa Mendes, Summer Rae and Tamina Snuka.
4. The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
5. John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
6. The Shield vs. Kane and the New Age Outlaws
7. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista vs. TBD
And now, your official With Leather WrestleMania 30 predictions. LEGALLY BINDING.
Pre-show match for the WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos (c) vs. The Real Americans vs. Curtis Axel and Ryback vs. Los Matadores
What Should Happen: Cesaro does one of three things:
1. Giant swings El Torito for 100 rotations (or at least a count of 100)
2. Giant swings both of Los Matadores at the same time
3. Waits until there’s a big pile of guys on the outside, then giant swings El Torito out of the ring onto them.
Long story short, “what should happen” is “Cesaro swings things and is awesome.”
What Will Happen: The Usos retain. If you’re going to shuffle the tag team championship match onto the pre-show and fill it with a bunch of teams who don’t deserve to be there (Los Matadores, Rybaxel) instead of the teams who’ve excelled and feuded over the belts for months (The Rhodes Brothers, the New Age Outlaws), a strong Usos defense is a necessity. Just let them go balls out early-on, maybe throw in a crazy high spot we don’t see from them all the time, and keep everyone safe and happy.
“What Should Happen” in its most accurate definition is “the tag titles match should be moved to the main show, the Divas invitational should get moved to the pre-jazz and Goldust should be winning a title belt at WrestleMania.” But maybe that’s just me.
1. Daniel Bryan vs. Triple H, with the winner being added to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match later in the show.
What Should Happen: An overconfident Triple H pauses as the match begins to give Stephanie McMahon a kiss. When he turns around, Daniel Bryan hits him with a running knee and pins him in 18 seconds. Bryan gets into the main event without taking a bunch of dino damage, the most disappointing match in WrestleMania history is avenged and we can truly move on with our lives.
What Will Happen: Not that, probably.
Triple H losing seems like such a foregone conclusion that I think something’s up. I know Bryan’s going to make it to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship match at the end of the night, but I think they’re gonna mess with us a little first. My outside-the-box prediction is that Triple H wins the match through nefarious means early in the show, giving the crowd a reason to be absolutely rabid when someone rights the wrong, puts Bryan into the match anyway (making it a fatal four way) and sets him up for true, definitive glory.
Or, you know, the nihilistic thing happens and Triple H just beats everybody.
2. The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
What Should Happen: Brad Maddox all day every day.
Alternate plan: the unannounced entrants are Wade Barrett, Ryback and Michael Tarver. The Nexus reforms in the battle royal, helps Daniel Bryan beat Triple H and then we end Mania 30 with NXT season 1 standing tall.
Brad Maddox is probably a more believable prediction.
What Will Happen: Big Show wins, I guess. That seems like the obvious choice. Honestly Show, Rey Mysterio and Alberto Del Rio are the only characters they’ve built up to have a chance in the battle royal, so unless one of the surprise guests is showing up to take it, it’s gotta be Show. How do you have the first ever “honor the giant” battle royal at WrestleMania and not give it to your giant? It’s the first one. And he was Andre’s kayfabe son for like a month!
3. The Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
What Should Happen: It’s the WE HATE WHAT YOUR BOYFRIEND DID match! Frankly I’d like to see AJ just trounce everybody and retain, but now seems like as good a chance as any to transition the belt to a Total Divas cast member. AJ isn’t doing anything with the title and we’ve been sorta waiting for the other foot to drop for a year, so let’s go ahead and pull the trigger. Naomi and Natalya are decent enough choices.
What Will Happen: Cameron and Eva Marie are not. I have very little faith in the presentation of Divas matches at WrestleMania, so let’s say … Brie Bella pulls it out. That’s the comfortable midpoint between “they probably deserve it” and “this lady wrestles like a kitten trying to get out of a cardboard box.”
4. The Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar
What Should Happen: Five words: Brock Lesnar shooting star press.
I don’t care exactly what they do with it, but it needs to happen. Brock missing the shooting star press at WrestleMania 19 is one of the defining moments of his career, and if he’s gonna briefly trick us into believing he can beat the Undertaker, he needs to evoke it. The two best suggestions I’ve heard so far are:
1. Brock hits the shooting star press, sorta sits up on his knees and is stunned that he actually pulled it off. One of those “consider your entire life” moments. While he’s in stasis, Taker locks him in the Hell’s Gate and gets the win.
2. Brock hits the shooting star press, pops up and starts freaking out and celebrating like an asshole. Taunts and alien screams everywhere. As he’s doing this, Taker sits up. Tombstone, and that’s all she wrote.
What Will Happen: Taker wins. They’ve had the 22-0 graphic ready to go since like, 17-0. Brock Lesnar does not have a chance here, and if they convince us for a moment that he does, they’ve achieved a real victory.
5. John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
What Should Happen: The build here suggests that Bray cares less about beating Cena than he does about changing him. The rub is that Cena’s the most impossible-to-change person in the world.
What SHOULD happen is a “WrestleMania moment.” I don’t know exactly what they can do, but they need to give Bray the win in a moment that people remember forever. A huge spot, something gruesomely bloody (for once, for emphasis), SOMETHING. If Bray just wins with Sister Abigail and that’s it, nothing changes. If Cena wins, nothing changes. If Bray sincerely does something to shake Cena for the remainder of his career, that truly matters. Give Wyatt the win and make it count.
What Will Happen: Attitude Adjustment, STF with the window wide open.
But no, I think this’ll be grand. Cena’s a big match performer when he’s wrestling someone who isn’t a cardboard cutout, so win or lose it’ll be something of note. Right? Or maybe it’ll just make us all mad and complainy.
6. The Shield vs. Kane and the New Age Outlaws
What Should Happen: I have been requesting an elaborate WrestleMania entrance for The Shield since their debut, so I’m hanging onto that. You can’t necessarily fly a helicopter into the Superdome, but you can give them something. Maybe they can rappel from the ceiling? Is that something they’d let a wrestler do again?
What Will Happen: This is your sleeper match of the night. It’s important to remember that The Shield never has a bad match, and that this might be the swan song for the New Age Outlaws. They can’t be sticking around much longer.
7. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Randy Orton (c) vs. Batista vs. TBD
What Should Happen: Yes chants, and lots of them.
What Will Happen: You know what? Yes chants, and lots of them. There’s no way they pull something stupid and backwards here. Daniel Bryan gets into the match, pins Orton and gets his moment.
The money prediction is in “how quickly will they ruin the big moment.” I’d personally love to see CM Punk return as a crooked corporate champion and steal Bryan’s glory. Just a clean-shaven Punk in a suit with his hair slicked back, entering to some WWE stock music. It’s a better pipe dream that what’s ACTUALLY gonna happen, which is Batista not being involved in the fall at WrestleMania, getting a one-on-one championship match at Extreme Rules and winning that to launch his Guardians of the Galaxy promotional tour.
But for now, Yes Chants.
