Ranking All 17 Tracks On John Cena’s ‘You Can’t See Me,’ 10 Years Later

05.11.15 4 years ago 10 Comments
Ready to feel old? You Can’t See Me, John Cena’s gold-selling rap album, came out 10 years ago yesterday. That’s right, Cena’s professional rap career is now a decade old. You Can’t See Me was actually a joint effort with Cena’s cousin Tha Trademarc (real name Marc Predka), who now works for the Peace Corps if Wikipedia is to be believed. In celebration of this very weird piece of nostalgia, I’ve decided to rank the tracks on the album from worst to best. After all, if the internet has taught me anything, it’s that internet nerds talking about hip-hop are basically guaranteed page views.

17. “Right Now”
Choice Lyric:
“It’s okay to be hard and stay true man / But at the end of the day, we all human”
Oh boy. Right from the Michael McDonlad-esque synth intro (syntro?), you know this is going to be a mess. This is trying to be one of those laid-back “life is good” jams in the vein of “It Was a Good Day” or “Young, Wild & Free,” but it ends up sounding like Cena is scrapbooking or something. I mean, if you’re a fan of rap songs that tell you to call your parents and patch things up with them, knock yourself out.

16. “What Now”
Choice Lyric:
“And when it pop off, we not soft / We like the Bentleys, y’all just the Chrysler knockoffs”
Is this song even about anything? Does it even exist? I listened to it a few times, and literally nothing made an impression on me, positive or negative. It’s slow, it’s weak, and the lyrics are literally saying nothing. Did I dream this? Where’s my totem?

15. “Don’t F*ck With Us”
Choice Lyric:
“We into big things, bank account’s overgrown / All types of cheese – Swiss, cheddar, provolone”
Whoa there, John! An expletive right in the title? Maybe this was the sign that Ruthless Aggression was out, and TV-PG was being ushered in. This one is just unremarkable. You can tell from the title that Cena wants this to go hard, but the beat that he claims is a neck-breaker is every bit as weak as the rhymes. Remember when everyone on the roster was calling him a poser? Yeah, this doesn’t help.

14. “Running Game”
Choice Lyric:
“Y’all got no flow, we be makin’ hits / You like a proctologist, you feelin’ my shit”
In case you were wondering if it’s possible to construct an entire rap song out of bad jokes and innuendo, John Cena has proven that the answer is a resounding “Yes.” He references Mean Gene Okerlund and Notorious B.I.G. here, proving that he respects neither his elders nor the dead. Honestly, he could have just called this “Cleverly Asking for BJs.”

13. “Summer Flings”
Choice Lyric:
“That’s when she said she live right down the street / She love white chocolate, well I got somethin’ sweet”
Again, the punchline is “John Cena wants to have sex with women.” That’s it, that’s all you get here. I have to wonder what Nikki Bella thinks of the “I’ll f*ck for seven days, but stand for one night” line. This is really just the same song as “Running Game,” but with slightly less embarrassing lyrics. Slightly.

12. “Know the Rep (feat. Bumpy Knuckles)”
Choice Lyric:
“It’s gas on the fire, any time a track blaze / Squad known to beef up the heat, just like the Shaq trade”
Minimal presence from Cena here, as Bumpy Knuckles and Tha Trademarc are doing most of the lifting. I like the beat, but they’re not really saying much outside of “We are tough rappers and we are better than you.” John somehow sounds like he’s out of breath in the booth. He’s 15 songs into the album at this point, maybe he’s gassed.

11. “This Is How We Roll”
Choice Lyric:
“Throw me a whore and call me Kobe cause you know that I’mma beat the case”
Jesus, John. Abraham Washington got fired for the same thing, what were you thinking? This is just another weak beat punctuated with “I am awesome and I own awesome things” lyrics. However, it isn’t the Florida-Georgia Line song of the same name, so consider my blessings counted.

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