Read on to learn what stink Bo and Fandango are thinking about!
Pre-show Notes:
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Worst: It’s Shaping Up to Be Quite a Night!
A former member of the The Shield came out at the top of Smackdown and said nothing of import, a bad guy teased a match we might want, but then we ended up with a Kane match instead. You’re right Michael Cole, it is shaping up to be quite a night! Quite a mundane, by the books, not straying even a hair from the template night!
Worst: Alberto Del Rio vs. Kofi Kingston
Really? We’re doing this again?
Best: With Your Smooth Moves, and Your Fancy Pants
Saaave the show again Bo!
Everything about this segment was wonderful. Fandango wishing Summer and Layla the best in their match in the must insincere, pathetic manner possible. SummerLay solidifying they’re not just two ladies who happen to have been dumped by the same guy, but new besties, by busting out synchronized hair-flips and dancing.
And then Bo showed up. Oh, Bo. His little speech should be become a staple at divorce support groups everywhere. Guys — I think I’m becoming inspired by Bo Dallas. Like, legitimately. At least that’s what I hope this feeling is.
Worst: So, Nikki’s Been Demoted to a Referee Now?
It’s time for our bi-weekly Nikki Bella doesn’t defy the odds match! We get to see Brie’s “I KWAAT!” moment for the 60th time, then out comes Nikki in a ref’s shirt? What sense does that make? How is being made to ref a match a punishment?
Ah, but wait, after a couple minutes of sizzling botched hip-toss action, Eva Marie and Alicia just stop what they’re doing and start beating on Nikki. Was that the plan? If so, why not just set up another handicap match? Also, is evil overlord Stephanie McMahon’s will now being done by Eva Marie?
Personally I prefer the explanation that Steph had no cause to outright fire Nikki, so she downgraded her from performer to referee and Alicia and Eva just attacked her because she was blatantly terrible at it. I hotly anticipate Nikki refing the main event at Battleground — only counting pins that give her an opportunity to bend over in front of the hard camera, admonishing the guys when they get too blokey, forgetting where she is, breaking into BRIE MODE and giving everybody one-footed dropkicks — it’s gonna be fun. But serious! But also fun! But sexy! Because Nikki Bella!
Best: Stop It!
I’ll never stop loving Goldust as the proud father who’s just so excited to see his son (Cody is Goldust’s son in this analogy, okay?) following in his weird gold painted footsteps, even though he’s secretly mellowed a bit himself in his old age. I’m glad you’ve gotten into the family business son, but stop blowing f*cking star sequins in my mouth.
Best: RIP Luke Harper’s Shirt
Chris Jericho vs. Luke Harper was pretty much all I was hoping it would be, and probably the best Jericho match in, well, years at this point. Harper’s physical enough that Jericho was forced to break out of his “polished, but not particularly exciting consummate worker” groove he’s been in for a while now. These two didn’t spare the leather, with Harper slapping the black-eye make-up off Jericho and Jericho chopping Harper’s poor tank-top into oblivion.
Ohh, ol’ Stinky — it will be missed. I love how the tank top always appeared to be 100% covered in pit stains despite having no armpits. Honestly, I want to know where Harper bought the thing, because it’s not every tank top that can survive over a year’s worth of vigorous wrestling matches before needing to be replaced. Oh, and please, if Harper actually has more than one tank top, I don’t want to know. This one thing needs to stay real to me, dammit.
Worst: Peg Leg Russians
On Raw Zeb called Lana and Rusev “peg leg Russians” but he kind of stumbled over it like he had accidentally said something racist and had to catch himself, but here on Smackdown he called the peg legs again. Is implying Russians have wooden legs actually a thing, or is Zeb losing his mind before our very eyes? I’m legitimately curious — I’ve never heard anyone say it before, and a Google search of the phrase turns up no results. Also, why is Zeb calling Rusev, Bullwinkle? The Russian guy on the Bullwinkle show was called Boris. It’s all very confusing. Confusing and boring.
I dunno, heel Zeb was clever and tongue-in-cheek — face Zeb just shouts LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT until the segment’s over. Oh and man, the “This country ain’t perfect, but only Americans can criticize America!” stuff. Ugh. Face Zeb Colter sets my Canadian blood to a polite low boil. Grrrrr.
Worst: The Miz, Tougher than Dudley Moore
They’re really intent on wasting The Miz’s mini-career resurgence, aren’t they? He’s been back two weeks and already he’s teaming with Fandango?
I dunno, I’m usually in favor of midcard guys getting more time to stretch their legs, but this was clearly pure filler. Sheamus should be able to take care of Fandango and face-shielding Miz on his own in under five minutes — there no way Sheamus and Ziggler together should have needed 15-minutes to wrap this match up. It came off less as a hard fought battle, and more as Sheamus and Ziggler just not trying very hard to win.
Best: Friend Enemies vs. Friend, uh, Friends
SummerLay doing things together that don’t involve Fandango in any way. Yes! Hooray! Also, Summer finally learned how to do the splits…
Bam!This was a pretty damn good match. The kind of routine good match that happens on NXT all the time, but that hasn’t quite percolated up to the main roster yet. It was fast and dynamic, everyone was moving with purpose and the crowd was actually into it. Unfortunately SummerLay had to lose, because getting over storylines based on already dated slang is the most important thing.Will the Friend Enemies continue their frenemiship or will the become unfrenimies, or worse, enemy enemies? Tune into WWE Battleground for the semantically confusing answer!
Worst: Exactly What I Was Expecting and Less
Around 60% of Dean Ambrose’s body is covered with bandages following the backstage attack on Raw and Kane is Kane, so this match was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be. Lots of plodding working over of Dean’s “injured” shoulder and not much else. They couldn’t even be bothered to come up with an ending, as Rollins just ran out and interfered at a random point — Ambrose wasn’t in danger of winning or anything, it was just time to end the match.
Then after the match Ambrose ate the curb stomp on the stairs. Man, I dunno — it’s one thing when a guy is curb stomped on a flat, bouncy canvas, but all these curb stomping a guy into a hard object spots feel disturbingly close to, well, real curb stomping. Remember when Daniel Bryan choking a guy with his tie was too violent? Look for Mattel’s new line of American History X action figures soon I guess. Shower playset sold separately.
