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Please click through for the vintage Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro for November 27, 1995.
Before We Begin
Here’s what you need to know about World War 3 ’95.
Hulk Hogan Has Decided To Wear Yellow Clothes Again
For absolutely no reason, World War 3 begins with Hulk Hogan burying the last month of WCW TV.
He announces that he’s done walking on the dark side, removes his black clothes and throws them in a trash can. The can EXPLODES INTO DEADLY FIRE when the clothes hit it, which is amazing and could explain why Hogan was such a nut when he wore them. I wish screeching, flaming bats had flown out of the trash fire.
Remember a couple of weeks ago when Lex Luger showed up in pinstripes and brutally injured the Macho Man’s arm? Hogan reveals that it was all part of their plan to trick the dirt sheets into believing Macho was legitimately injured, but he’s not … his arm is “perfect.” Did … did Hogan just figure out how pro wrestling works and announce it to the world? The best part is that Savage and Lex Luger wrestle later in the night, and Luger wins by locking in an armbar on Savage’s injured arm. His perfect, not really injured arm.
That leads to a dated, hilarious rant about how the Internet is the ONLY PLACE to find wrestling news. This is like the Dead Sea Scrolls for smarks.
“The internet’s got the scoops!” is probably the greatest Hulk Hogan quote of all time.
The rest of the promo is a weird circle jerk, with Hogan, Sting and Savage protesting too much as they reassure themselves that they’re good dudes. Savage calls Sting “the coolest dude in the world,” and Hogan calls them his “two best friends.” Keep in mind that TWO WEEKS AGO Hogan was in a graveyard with a broadsword promising to cut off his head if he was friends with the Dungeon of Doom. Hogan to Sting: “I will never ever again question Sting … I wanna be your friend forever!”
Spoiler alert: he never questions him again.
Okay, maybe once.
The Yeti Showed Up Again. Sort Of?
The buttf*cking Himalayan ice mummy makes his return in the 60-man battle royal at World War 3, and, uh, now he’s a ninja. FROM THE MOON. He’s a MOON NINJA.
Let me see if I can make sense of this. The actual form of The Yeti is an evil gay ninja from the moon, where they have less gravity, so they grow taller? I don’t know how science works. Anyway, he died in Tibet, was mummified for his crimes by Tibet’s Egyptian police force and buried high upon the north face of Chomolungma. Legend of his exploits were passed down from generation to generation of screaming Hawaiian guys who’ve accidentally fallen into vats of flour. Eventually it reached THE MASTER, who thought sacrificing the lives of a sherpa team to retrieve this beast from a block of ice, fly him to the American mid-west and rig him to explode in response to schmozz main-events was the only way to end Hulkamania. It worked, miraculously, and an embarrassing ass-reaming from tall mummy made Hogan goth-emo for a month. Yeti f*cked him so hard his rags fell off, revealing his true form.
Anyway, the Yeti is eliminated almost immediately, because the element of surprise given to you by exploding glaciers and accidental monster truck deaths wasn’t there. He got a few followup matches on WCW B-shows (and was renamed “The Super Giant Ninja,” which sounds like a joke but is exponentially better and more descriptive than “The Yeti”) and was never seen again.
(Totally worth it, Master.)
Two Hours Later And Hogan’s Already Being A Bad Friend
The show opens with Hogan and Savage open-mouth kissing, gently rubbing each others’ arms and promising they’ll never be jerks again. The show ENDS with Savage winning the WCW World Heavyweight Championship in a 60-man battle royal and Hogan refusing to let him enjoy it. To be fair, he has a rightful complaint: he was pulled under the bottom rope, not thrown over the top, so he shouldn’t be eliminated … after single-handedly eliminating The Giant, Sting and Lex Luger at the same time. Instead of rolling with that and maybe challenging his “best friend” to a match later, Hogan throws an INTENSE TEMPER TANTRUM, standing in front of Macho and begging the crowd to cheer for him instead. He gets on the microphone, continues to explain how cheated he was, and promises to show instant replay footage “tomorrow night on Nitro” to PROVE Savage didn’t win. The entire aftermath of Savage’s dream of winning the WCW Championship coming true is Hogan pointing at himself and going NO, ME, ISN’T THAT RIGHT EVERYBODY
Two final notes:
1. Who bettah than Kanyon?
2. Lex only wants racks if they’re torture.
Don’t say I didn’t, say I didn’t warn ya.
This Week’s Pepe Costume: Leopard-Print Cowboy
“As you can see, me and the little guy got the animal print on tonight ’cause these guys are ready to eat some RAW MEAT.” [looks at Bobby Heenan] “And I know them little cheeks are chafed ain’t they about that (?)”
I put a question mark there because I have no idea what Mongo’s saying. I probably should’ve put a question mark after every word. Mongo knows Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage are so mad they would eat raw meat, so he dresses himself and his dog up as animals to … be eaten? Pretty sure he’s telling Heenan that he’ll be the first eaten because of his chubby cheeks, and dear God I don’t want to know why Mongo thinks they’re “chafed.”
Additional Note From World War 3: John Badd Is Definitely Heterosexual, We Promise
For years, Johnny B. Badd was a Little Richard impersonator who called himself “pretty” and wore lipstick and eye shadow. When they turned him face, they had to tug their collars and go “heeeeeh, well, y’see, he was just kidding about that. He’s flamboyant, I guess, but he LOVES the ladies. He loves them SO MUCH. And see? He’s throwing FRISBEES! He likes SPORTS!” WWE carried on this tradition when he became the ‘Wildman’ Marc Mero, and his only character traits were “boxing” and “is into doing this one lady so much he’s mad when other guys notice her.”
Kimberly has gotten fed up with Diamond Dallas Page’s self-centered Jersey scumbag antics and feels unappreciated. To earn his respect and attention, she makes herself a PRIZE in the match between Page and John Badd at World War 3. You know, because nothing deserves respect like objectifying yourself! Badd wins the match and tells Kimberly she’s pretty, so she agrees to go live with him or whatever.
Worst: AND SHE’S ALREADY TRIFLING
Page and Badd have a rematch on Nitro, which is mostly the camera filming Kimberly act confused. You see, she’s Johnny B. Badd’s manager now because he won her, but her abusive ex brought flowers to the ring, so what’s a girl supposed to do?
The finish is Kim totally selling Johnny out, tossing a chain into the ring for Dallas to use. It goes through his legs, though, and into the waiting hands of Johnny. Johnny knocks Page out with it, slips it into his trunks and wins the match. After the match he’s rightfully like, “hey, was that for me or for him?” Kimberly responds with YOU WON THE MATCH, THAT’S WHAT MATTERS! Badd seems fine with it, even though he
1. just cheated to win a match, and
2. very obviously saw his valet try to cheat AGAINST him, and
3. she’s being super shifty about it.
Let this be a cautionary tale, gentlemen: be careful who you let fire off your Badd Blaster.
Worst: SHOTS FIRED
Not a pre-made sign, we promise.
Best: A Reminder That For A Couple Of Years In The Mid-90s, Women’s Wrestling Was The Coolest Thing In North America
As part of the agreement between Bobby Heenan and his “Japanese investor friends,” World War 3 featured a joshi tag team match pairing up Cutie Suzuki and Mayumi Ozaki against Bull Nakano and Akira Hokuto. It was awesome as shit, and they had a rematch the next night on Nitro. This is what we were given:
And this was us:
We didn’t know what we had. Suzuki and Ozaki are legends, but Bull and Hokuto are two of the greatest of all time. If they aren’t #1 and 2 respectively, they’re in the top 5. Both matches are excellent, and feature stuff that’d be considered next-level if the Divas pulled it off today. Hokuto front flips off the top to the floor. Twice. Once successfully, once not in a great callback. Bull takes a double-stomp from the top from two people at the same time, and gives it back with a double suplex. The finish is Hokuto taking out both of her opponents at the same time with a missile dropkick, then dropping Cutie Suzuki on her goddamn head with an absolutely sick fisherman’s buster.
The crowd isn’t given a lot of context or information about these women, but the matches succeed because 1) they’re really f*cking good, and 2) all four are trained to physically interact with and tell stories to the crowd through their mannerisms and facial expressions. Bull’s the power and durability. Hokuto’s the reckless daredevil. Ozaki and Suzuki are scrappy babyfaces who are outgunned, but willing to put it all on the line against two of the most dangerous women we’ve ever seen. From around 1993 until 1996, top-shelf women’s wrestling was on the verge of breaking through in the United States and proving it could (and should) be just as good and valuable as what the guys do.
Around that same time, Sunny (and then Sable) popped up in WWF and made a bunch of rich white guys go, “shit, we should just show people TITS. People LOVE TITS.”
But hey, we still have these little glimpses of greatness, and the associated decade-or-so of untouchable work from Japan.
Worst: And Maybe It’s For The Best That The Japanese People Didn’t Stick Around For Very Long
That’s supposed to say “in a kind of oriental way.” She’s rather attractive in a kind of oriental way. Good lord. This is the guy talking up the women. At one point he says Bull is “bigger than a Honda!”
(This is why we can’t have nice things.)
Worst: The Rest Of The Episode Is About Hulk Hogan
Not a plant, we promise. Please do not notice this front office-looking gentleman with front row seats and a Hulkamania sleeveless tee over his dress shirt.
Worst: Teach The Performance Center To Do The Opposite Of This, Bill
The next match on the show is Hulk Hogan taking on Hugh Morrus, aka Bill DeMott, current NXT head trainer. If you don’t remember Hugh Morrus, his name sounded like “humorous” so he laughed a lot. The announce team would forget how to say his name in the middle of matches and just start calling him “humorous.” He was terrible. Is terrible. Whatever. Imagine a wrestler named JEALOUS E. who was jealous all the time. That’s the level of thought put into Hugh Morrus.
Hugh (who a few years later would be a dick joke, if you didn’t think he could be any worse) falls victim to the most Hulk Hogan match ever wrestled. Hogan’s back to red and yellow, and so are his matches. He effortless beats up Hugh until he’s cheated. Hugh builds some momentum and hits his finisher, which Hogan totally no-sells. That’s the awful thing about Hogan … his comeback was built around your biggest and best signature move being useless. Say what you will about Cena’s shoulderblocks being frustrating, but at least he doesn’t exclusively use them after getting Curb Stomped and popping up to his feet 100% fine. Uh, usually.
Hogan hits the boot and the leg drop, and that’s that. We go to commercial. At the arena, Hulk silently glares off into space, angry that the commercials are not for Hulk Hogan.
Worst: The Macho Man Interview Is Also About Hulk Hogan
To tie this back to Cena, you know how sometimes he’ll lose a pay-per-view match, and the next night’s Raw will be dedicated to making him look like the strongest, toughest guy in the world? Apparently the only way Hogan was okay with Savage winning the WCW Championship (after all that neck-breakings and power of attorney nonsense surrounding the attempted monster truck murder at Halloween Havoc) was to have Hogan look like the smartest, most important and most cheated person in wrestling history.
Savage had the drama of his win built around his injured arm. Hogan started the pay-per-view saying Savage’s arm was fine, even though the story of TWO MATCHES later in the night relied on it being injured. Savage won a 60-man over-the-top battle royal, the biggest in wrestling history. Hogan was pulled under the bottom rope instead of being eliminated, and spent the post-match standing in the middle of the ring pointing at himself, saying HE should’ve won. He wins an easy squash match the next night. Savage shows up with the belt around his waist to FINALLY give some semblance of a celebratory interview, but nope, Hogan interrupts THAT TOO despite JUST having a match, because he wants to show footage from World War 3 and prove he won. They cue up the footage and the Hogan elimination has been mysteriously replaced by white noise, because not only was Hogan cheated, he was cheated by everyone.
That brings out the Giant, who chokeslams Savage on the cement. Guess what happens next?
Yep. Hogan beats up The Giant with a chair and sends him packing. Macho is hurt, so Hogan kneels over him and I guess tries to imbue him with Hulkamagicka.
I’m going to tell you that the main event of the show is Sting and Lex Luger teaming up against Brian Pillman and Arn Anderson. Guess what happens next?
Worst: Holy Shit, Are You Serious
Here’s the convergence of WCW’s two greatest forces:
2. Sting’s stupidity
Sting is still teaming with Lex Luger, because they’re “best friends” and Luger’s “going through some stuff.” That “stuff” is allying himself with the Dungeon of Doom, a group of costumed super villains dedicated to destroying WCW’s top babyfaces, but sure, no, it’s fine. Keep teaming with him. They wrestle Pillman and Anderson, and Luger keeps doing suspicious things like missing tags and pushing Pillman off the top into Sting. As a quick note, Pillman seems totally out of it in this match. He can’t seem to remember anything, and the finish is Sting just no-selling a punch to the face to finish an O’Connor roll and pin him.
So yeah, that brings out Ric Flair, and a 3-on-2 Horseman beatdown commences. SOUND THE HULK HORNS OF WAR.
Hulk Hogan shows up and beats up the Horsemen by himself. I swear to God I’m not making this up. He then turns his sights on LUGER, one of the men he just saved from an attack. Sting stops him, and suddenly Hogan is questioning Sting. Remember “I will never ever again question Sting?” That lasted almost a day. After standing in the ring with a disappointed look on his face for like a minute, Hogan’s finally like, “okay Sting, we can trust Luger I guess,” because when you stand near Sting your IQ drops by 100 points.
Sting leaves the ring with Hogan’s permission.
Next Week: Hogan Questions Sting Again
Can we just skip the next seven months and get to Hogan being evil on purpose?