Pre-show notes:
– I’ll be in the building for Hell in a Cell, so if you’re also going to be there, let me know. I’ll need you to come to my section and give me gentle hugs so I don’t flip a row of chairs and storm out of the building.
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Please click through and enjoy (?) the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for October 20, 2014.
Worst: The “John Cena’s The Only Important Person” Consolation Prize, Or
Best: A Justification That Probably Only Exists In My Brain
The Worst: The Authority announces that the winner of the John Cena vs. Randy Orton match at Hell in a Cell — a match made as a “consolation prize” for the loser of last week’s Contract On A Pole match — will become the new #1 contender to Brock Lesnar’s WWE World Heavyweight Championship. This is f*cked on so many levels I can’t even complain about it. Remember when CM Punk was WWE Champion, and the world still revolved around what Cena was doing, and how Punk wasn’t REALLY champion until he’d repeatedly beaten Cena in every imaginable way? Yeah, Ambrose is getting a taste of that. It’s not melodramatic and should be expected, but it’s frustrating. It’s the same frustration we felt watching anything on Nitro without Hogan involved with “what will Hulk Hogan do later in the night” conversation over it.
The Best: It might actually make sense.
This is all in my head, probably, but bear with me. Later in the episode, Triple H tells Randy Orton that the #1 contender stipulation was Seth Rollins’ idea. They play it up like H is just trying to rally the troops, but Orton finds Rollins and thanks him for it. At the end of the show (spoiler alert), Orton wins the handicap street fight for his team and gets caught with a Curb Stomp FROM OUTTA NOWHERE. My theory is thus: Seth Rollins DID request that the winner of Cena/Orton get a title shot, because Brock Lesnar keeps no-showing, and Rollins needs a contractually obligated appearance from Brock if he’s gonna get another crack at cashing in Money in the Bank. He doesn’t want to give himself (or Ambrose) that opportunity, because that puts him in the direct line of fire. If he can feed Lesnar a strong hand like Cena or Orton — feasibly two of the only people on the show “good enough” to beat Lesnar one-on-one — he knows the match will involve a ton of damage to all parties, giving him an easy in for a cash-in title victory. He’s The Authority’s “golden boy.” The Authority knows they can’t control or influence Cena, are only working with Lesnar because it was best for business to get the belt off Cena, and nobody takes Orton seriously. It’s honestly a great plan.
Worst: Is Anybody Else Mad That They Just Switched Secondary Title Challengers?
During the last cycle, Dolph Ziggler and The Miz were feuding over the Intercontinental Championship. Sheamus and Cesaro were feuding over the United States Championship. This cycle, Dolph and Cesaro are feuding over the IC title, and Sheamus is feuding with Miz over the US. Is anybody else bothered by that? How does losing one secondary title match qualify you as the #1 contender to the other?
I guess the bigger question is, where the hell is the Raw roster? Why is it so claustrophobic? I don’t expect like, Fernando and Diego to be challenging for the Intercontinental Championship, but there are a LOT of guys who never get appearances on Raw or Smackdown that could be doing SOMETHING. Guys like Titus O’Neil or R-Truth aren’t going to be huge crossover stars or whatever, but they’ve individually proven that they can carry the light load of the losing half of a midcard feud. Why not give one of them a shot? They’re massive jobbers right now, but if you put a small amount of effort into them — see Titus on NXT, or Truth when he was an insane man with a fear of spiders — they can be a slightly fresher part of 3 minutes of your 180-minute program.
Best: Kansas City Loves Damien Mizdow
The good news here is threefold. Goldust and Stardust actually got a WIN, even though *they* didn’t physically win, which is the first time that’s happened since they won the tag titles. How sad is that? Good news #2 is that they’re teaming with Damien Sandow, which constitutes an unofficial Rhodes Scholars reunion, which I wish they would’ve addressed or attempted to explain. Maybe do one of those Kane/Undertaker No Mercy openings where Stardust and Damien Mizdow run into each other backstage and comment on how weird the other’s gotten.
Good news #3 is that Damien Mizdow is basically the most popular guy on the show, seemingly against everyone’s will and better judgment. He’s got the support of the announce team, too, when they aren’t pissing in each others’ faces about old movie references. “You’re like HUMPHREY BOGART! That must mean you’re an asshole because I have no idea what that is. OH THE WIZARD OF OZ, REALLY, THAT’S A 1939 REFERENCE, NOBODY AFTER 1940 HAS SEEN THE WIZARD OF OZ.”
Anyway, Sandow’s continued popularity makes me happy, and he’s going to get over huge if he gives Miz the old Alex Riley SAY IT TO MY FACE punch to the mouth OR usurps Miz’s energies and becomes the One True Miz. Regardless, we get this GIF of Miz freaking out over his win, which is adorable.
Best: Randy Orton Pauses His Boring Recital To Just Scream At The Crowd
“It was a dark and stormy night. I, Randy Orton, the youngest WWE Champion in history and longest reigning WWE World Heavyweight Champion since its inception began a quest to dominance as the new face of the WWE. My opponent, a young robot with a crust-filled genetic lunchbox named John Cena, chose to be my HEY SHUT UP THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS ARE A LUCKY GARBAGE COLORADO ROCKIES TEAM THAT ONLY MADE IT TO THE WORLD SERIES BECAUSE EVERY ACTUAL GOOD TEAM IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE MAILED IT IN AND THOUGHT THEY COULD COAST. THE NEXT TIME SOMEBODY REACHES SECOND AND MAKES MOTORCYCLE VROOM VROOM GESTURES I’M PERSONALLY WALKING ONTO THE FIELD AND BEATING THEM IN THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL. NOW STOP INTERRUPTING MY BORING SPEECH, I HAVE TO MAKE THIS MATCH EXCITING SOMEHOW AND IT ISN’T EASY, I DON’T NEED YOU BILLY BUTLER CLETUS T. JUDD LOVING F*CKS RUINING MY RHYTHM. ST. LOUIS IS THE BEST BASEBALL TOWN. WE WIN ALL THE TIME. GET OVER YOURSELVES. Now, as I was saying, to sleep, perchance to dream, aye, there’s there rub…”
The best thing about Randy Orton is that they’ve never truly allowed him to unleash the IMPOSSIBLE 24-year old douchebag still living just beneath the skin of a grown-ass man. You can see it when the crowd gets on his nerves, or things don’t go the way he’d planned. He can’t handle it. He does a move that’s supposed to get cheers, it gets boos, and he just starts stomping around screaming at everyone. He’s like an expectations Festus, and I love him.
Best: I Want To See Orton Vs. Lesnar So Bad Right Now
Randy Orton’s shoutliloquy is interrupted by Cena, who opens up his Cena valve and gets Cena all over the place. You see, Cena takes issue with the fact that Orton’s shit-talking the Royals, as he — a Boston-area native who loves the Red Sox, loves the Yankees, but ESPECIALLY loves YOUR LOCAL TEAM because he’s a gutless, heartless corporate machine — thinks the Royals are GREAT.
They’re (thankfully) interrupted by Paul Heyman, who points out that if these guys want to jockey for position about the best of the 2002 guys, they’re forgetting one man: SHELTON BENJAMIN. Sorry, Brock Lesnar. Neither guy’s been on the show for a month, so I got them confused. Heyman thinks wandering into the ring to talk trash to (1) a guy who just spent two months physically threatening him, and (2) a guy notorious for snapping and beating up innocent people for no reason is a great idea. He ends up getting threatened with an Attitude Adjustment from Cena, then RKO’d by Orton. Great planning, Paul. Next week you should find Billy Kidman backstage and try to powerbomb him.
The segment ends with Orton RKO’ing Cena, because Randy Orton Greater Than. I hope somebody makes a Vine of this and inserts a crudely-pasted-in Randy Orton RKO’ing Cena overtop of the actual one.
Worst: Nobody Knows What They’re Doing
Up next is Divas Champion AJ Lee vs. Alicia Fox. If sighed, rubbed the bridge of your nose and said, “AJ gets distracted, Alicia rolls her up for a non-title victory to set up a match not involving Alicia whatsoever,” congratulations, you’ve been paying attention for the last … how many years of Raw?
The problem here is that absolutely none of it made sense. Paige was at ringside seconding Alicia. Paige then ATTACKS Alicia, right in front of the referee, and rolls her back into the ring. The referee doesn’t call a disqualification. That, somehow, is enough to distract AJ, and Alicia rolls her up. It turns out it was all a trick, and Paige and Alicia were in on it to … provide a small distraction? I don’t know. If the ref didn’t call a DQ, did he KNOW the outside attack was a ruse? Was he in on it, or did he not call a DQ because he knew the finish of the match and excused it even though he was staring right at it?
I f*cking hate when refs do this. Your job as a ref is to go along with the story of the match and be distracted or knocked out when the situation calls for it, but if the wrestlers AND the writers are so lazy they don’t come up with an even basic plan for distracting you or knocking you out, ring the damn bell. If a person doesn’t kick out, count the three. If a writer says “a lady gets attacked by her own partner, which distracts the person who isn’t beating or being beaten up” and NOBODY ANYWHERE IN THE CREATIVE PROCESS ALL DAY says it’s a stupid idea, call the DQ and challenge their stupid asses to an airplane fight.
A supplemental Worst goes to poor AJ, who looks like 1995-96 Sting out there. She could not want to be doing this any less.
Best: That Phony Soldier Got What He Deserved
Speaking of motivations that don’t make a lot of sense, let’s recap Rusev making like TNA and crossing the line.
Rusev has a match with Big E. Rusev is a tough, smart and fair wrestler, so he capitalizes on a Big E mistake and earns a Hard Fart victory with The Accolade. As usual, Rusev attempts to celebrate by posing in front of a big Russian flag. Nothing happens. Cut to the TitanTron, where a mischievous Big Show reveals that THIS IS AMERICA, DUDE, LEARN THE RULES, and that he’s replaced Rusev’s national flag with the flag of the United States. Rusev is upset and tries to tear it down, just like Big Show did to him weeks ago. This ENRAGES a Local Soldier — John Cena’s friend “Tony” from Smackdown vs. Raw 2009 in my headcanon — who jumps the rail and slides into the ring to defend America. Security tries to stop him, and Rusev kicks him in the head. Big Show then rushes out, spends several minutes standing in the ring looking like he’s going to vomit, then challenges a “cowardly” Rusev to get back out here and fight. Rusev doesn’t, so Show goes looking for him backstage.
On the surface, the story is supposed to be “Rusev is the heel, tried to desecrate the American flag, hurt an innocent soldier and deserves comeuppance.” In practice, it’s none of that. Rusev won a match fair and square, like he always does. He tries to do his post-match celebration, but Big Show — a man who has already desecrated RUSSIA’s flag and had to apologize for it — has once again stolen Rusev’s flag and replaced it with his own. Why? Because “America?” What part of American patriotism says that we should prevent people from other countries from being proud of where they come from? Does Rusev lose his human rights because he thinks his country’s better than ours? So Rusev reacts in the way Show did … he tries to pull the flag down. A fan then jumps the rail and tries to get into the ring, which 100% of the time results in that fan getting the shit beaten out of them. In most cases they’d get stomped a few times, taken to the back and roughed up by security. They’d get thrown out. Because this guy’s wearing MILDLY INCORRECT SOLDIER CLOTHES, he’s an “American hero” and his breach of security was HEROIC. Rusev kicking him makes Rusev “cowardly,” and instead of dragging his unconscious body offscreen, people squat over him and try to help him. It’s absurd.
Then Show comes out and tries to act indignant. Guess what, buddy? If you hadn’t messed with Rusev’s flag, none of this would’ve happened. He just beat Big E and wanted to aggressively celebrate. Your actions caused him to try to pull down the American flag (something he wouldn’t and couldn’t have done without you putting it there against everyone’s wishes), and if he hadn’t tried to pull down the flag, that “soldier” wouldn’t have tried to interfere and gotten kicked in the face. You challenge Rusev to get out here and fight, but f*ck you, because Rusev just HAD his scheduled match. You’re the one wasting TV time and trying to set up non-sanctioned fights. And when you don’t get what you want, you go backstage and try to assault him there.
Rusev is still the face. Show’s the heel. I hope he gets his groin kicked, and Vladimir Putin slides in and does the Stone Cold Steve Austin head-waggle in his face.
Worst: Brie Bella Still Looks Like She’s Pooping When She Does Yes Chants
Brie Bella goes for BRIE MOOOOOOOODE about 40 seconds into the match and misses. Summer Rae covers her, gets two, and freaks out like she’s Undertaker at WrestleMania and can’t believe Shawn Michaels kicked out of a tombstone. Brie just kinda gets up, gets back into position, does the taunt again, connects and wins the match. It was better than AJ vs. Alicia, at least.
It’s notable that Brie still does full pooping motion when she does Yes Chants. I’m not sure why Bryan hasn’t corrected her on it, unless he thinks it’s funny. When he does it, he moves his body downward slightly so that the upward Yes fingers have momentum. A slight push up into “YES!” Brie’s dropping her ass to the ground every time. Does she think it’s sexy? Is she a sand crab? I don’t know.
Because I don’t know what else to write, here’s a series of increasingly ridiculous Nikki Bella screengrabs.
Worst: Dean Ambrose, Corporate Shill
In the worst moment of Raw until the very next thing that happens, John Cena finds Dean Ambrose backstage watching See No Evil 2.
“Hey, what’re you doing, Dean Ambrose?”
“Watching See No Evil 2, available on DVD and blu-ray tomorrow. It’s scary!”
“what”
“After this I’m gonna watch an all-new episode of Suits on the USA Network. USA. Characters welcome!”
Theory: When Seth Rollins put Dean Ambrose’s head through a pile of cinderblocks, he gave him legit brain damage. That’s why Ambrose went from a cool, unhinged, violent, sociopathic mouthpiece for an unstoppable mercenary wrestling swat team to being the ADD guy who watches WWE Studios films during Raw, wears Dean Ambrose-branded t-shirts and thinks beating someone up with ketchup and mustard is hilarious. You gave him a mental disability, Seth.
A supplemental Best for Ambrose sitting on a couch and watching a movie in that same, weird side-saddle way wrestlers watch Raw backstage.
Worst: The Dumbest Thing In The World, And Don’t Pretend Like You Liked It
Dean Ambrose turned into Jeff Dunham so gradually I didn’t even notice.
So. Because there are 7 people on the Raw roster and we need to kill 40 minutes before the main event, Dean Ambrose comes to the ring with a mannequin dressed as Seth Rollins and beats it up. Now, on paper, this could be good. I’ve seen Eddie Guerrero hold up a Rey Mysterio mask and talk to it and nail one of the best promos of all time. Anything can work. Beating up dolls can work. As a fan of YOSHIHIKO I can’t throw shade at a guy beating up a doll. Also, Dean Ambrose is a talented performer who can spin turds into gold.
He did not do that here.
This was f*cking embarrassing. Ambrose sets it up to no reaction, cuts a promo on it to no reaction, then keeps sawing it in the “testicles” and attacking it in the dick with salad tongs to no reaction. The crowd occasionally gives him an uncomfortable “eeehhhh!” cheer, but every single face onscreen — including Dean Ambrose — wants to be somewhere else. If Ambrose has a shark-jumping moment, this is it. I know it’s hard these days to admit when a performer you like did something inexcusably bad, but I urge you to keep an objective eye when one of your favorites piledrives a crash test dummy in a wig and the announce team laughs as loud as they can to cover the silence.
Seth shows up to save things, but he’s Seth, so he just launches into a 20-minute “you’re DAMN RIGHT I sold out!” promo that has basically nothing to do with what’s going on. To his credit, I guess, what’s he even supposed to say? STOP homoerotically violating my effigy?
Best: Mick Foley With The Valiant Save Effort
When all hope is lost, Mick Foley arrives. God bless him, he does his best to ignore everything that just happened and give the feud gravity. He shares a great bit about his kids coming home from The Shield’s debut and talking wildly about how awesome they were. He deflects sarcastic comments about his goofy Santa Claus shirt and emphasizes the dangerous nature of the Cell, and how it changes the lives of people who compete inside it. On paper, it’s great. In practice it’s pretty great, too, but hurt a little by being tacked onto the end of a REAL DOLL PILEDRIVER. Hard to take anything serious when a guy just spent 10 minutes building to “tong on the place where nuts would be.”
The other thing that sucks is that nothing Mick’s saying about the Cell is true. It used to be true, but now it’s Telling instead of Showing. How does the Cell end careers and change lives now? Hell in a Cell matches are regular, sometimes hardcore matches with no blood and no excessive violence that happen in a ring surrounded by a cage. Not even a cage ON the ring. A cage several feet from the ring, so you’re having a regular match near tall fencing. The worst that happens in Cell matches these days is a guy getting irish whipped into it and jumping into it with his back. Usually in clothes, like Seth Rollins. I get that you want to push the idea of the cage being a demonic structure, but comparing something like Michaels/Taker, Lesnar/Taker or Mankind/Taker to Cena/Orton 2009 and everything after is a travesty.
So, Best for Foley, and a Worst for the circumstances. You can bring in Mike Trout to pinch hit, but if nobody’s on base and you’re down 10-0, there’s only so much he can do, you know?
Best: A Wrestling Match! Or
Worst: STOP BEING INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION
The next match — yes, we still have matches on this show — is the most Raw thing in the world. Cesaro takes on the Intercontinental Champion in a one-on-one match and beats him cleanly, to build to a Cesaro vs. The Intercontinental Champion one-on-one match at the pay-per-view. Can Cesaro beat Ziggler? Who knows, except for this repeated evidence. What can they do at Hell in a Cell that would justify a Network subscription to see it? Sheamus/Cesaro at Night of Champions was awesome times ten, but even that was just a more exciting version of a thing we’d seen 20 times before. Imagine if WWE saved special matches for big shows, and used 100-year old wrestling showmanship techniques and 3,000-year old storytelling cues to get us EXCITED for them?
The worst part is the people screaming IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT WHY DON’T YOU STOP WATCHING are starting to make sense. That’s how bad things have gotten, WWE. You’re making a guy who wakes up thinking “I should watch this 4-year old episode of the game show version of NXT and spend an hour writing 3,000 words about it to share with everyone I know” not want to watch your flagship show. You are CURING THE SICK.
Worst: Fillerrrrrrr
What else was on this show? See No Evil 2 commercials. Wyatt Family Glacier videos that could’ve been See No Evil 2 commercials. “Hell in a Cell by the numbers.” Breast cancer awareness commercials narrated by Naomi, who could not believably narrate the word “hello” when saying hi to somebody. WWE 2K15 commercials that advertise the most realistic way yet to simulate exciting things that COULD be happening, but aren’t. WWE Network shills (including an exceptional one by Foley) asking you to pay 10 bucks a month to relive exciting things that have happened, but currently aren’t. Total Divas commercials that promise no excitement and follow through.
Let’s just pretend WWE between SummerSlam and TLC is a game we left running on the menu screen, and we’re stuck watching demo mode. Hit the damn start button already.
Worst: Handicap Matches That Don’t Even Attempt To Play Up The Disadvantage Of The Handicap, And Street Fights Where Guys Stand Patiently On The Apron And Hold The Tag Rope
There is nothing in the world worse than John Cena on the apron waiting for a hot tag. Not famine, not pestilence, not death.
Worst: I Hope You Enjoyed Watching The Entire Pay-Per-View For Free
Dean Ambrose is fighting Seth Rollins inside Hell in a Cell, in a match that was supposed to be important, but was beaten into oblivion by an easily amused moviegoer sawing off a mannequin’s nonexistent balls. At the end of this episode, you see Ambrose and Rollins fighting inside Hell in a Cell for the same amount of prize and prestige, with Rollins taking the dropkick off the apron into the Cell bump that would’ve been the PPV highlight. John Cena is fighting Randy Orton inside Hell in a Cell, in a match we’ve seen 600,000 times but suddenly got hot and EXTREME PRIORITY IMPORTANCE by one promo delivered with effort. The winner gets to face Brock Lesnar, and by “the winner” I mean John Cena. Cena and Orton have fought in the Cell before, but in case you missed that, here’s them doing it again at the end of this episode. Kane is also there, because somebody has to take an Attitude Adjustment.
If you aren’t interested in that, Brie Bella’s fighting Nikki Bella for the right to call the other a bitch for a month. They’ve been calling each other bitch for months, and Brie pinned Nikki clean a couple of weeks ago. Sheamus is defending against Miz, which we saw him do on Raw a couple of weeks ago. Dolph Ziggler is defending against Cesaro, which we saw 10 minutes ago with a clean finish. Rusev is facing Big Show, which we saw him do on Raw a couple of weeks ago. If the tag titles are being defended, it’s the Dusts against the only team they’re allowed to wrestle, The Usos.
There is not one single thing at Hell in a Cell you can’t see for No Subscription here, or haven’t seen With Subscription before. It is the definition of filler, and the worst part is that it’s filler we’ve already had filled. Can filler have filler?
Worst: Oh, And About Mick Foley’s “Wrestling In The Hell In A Cell Splinters And Changes People” Talking Point
John Cena just lost a match inside Hell in a Cell. This is what he did two minutes later:
Things will never be the same for him again.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
ML Kennedy
Mizdow won. That is a terrible Miz impression.
troi
JBL’s hat has gotten more character development than any Diva has in a decade.
Ryse
The Reigning, Defending, Undisputed Champion in 2002 is the same Reigning,*coughcoughcough*, Undisputed Champion in 2014.
IconoCatalyst
Justin Roberts is at home watching Raw with the TV muted, announcing all the matches into an ice cream container full of his tears.
SonsOfMass
I’m confused, who does Paul Heyman think will win the World Series?
Sammy Davis Jr.
I’m thinking about pro-actively acquiring Ebola so I can get on Make A Wish, meet John Cena, and just call him a f*cking asshole.
Spitty
He’ll never see me in this camouflage!
Kevin Nash Booked This
That soldier was just trying to give John Cena his war medal!!!
SHough610
Foley: This doesn’t mean a damn thing until you beat JOHN CENA in this DEMONIC STRUCTURE on SUNDAY in DALLAS!
Ambrose: :Sotto: Uh, Mick, he’s wrestling Orton.
Foley: Jesus, again? Give it a rest, Vince.
wwespn
they need to have a shot backstage with the mannequin holding up a book entitle, “Hell in a Cell for Dummies.”
Thanks, everybody. See you this weekend for that show we already watched.
