Pre-show notes:
– As a heads up, I get a little wordy about the Bryan thing.
– With Spandex is on Twitter, so follow it. Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook. You can also follow me on Twitter.
– Shares, likes, comments and other social media things are appreciated.
– If you’re going to be in Texas this weekend, make sure to get to the Marchesa Hall & Theater on Sunday for Inspire Pro Wrestling’s Ecstasy Of Gold II. If you like pro wrestling, I guarantee we’ve got a few people there that you love. Chuck Taylor? Veda Scott? Kimber Lee? MR. AZERBAIJAN. Do not miss your one opportunity (probably ever) to see Azerbaijan’s sexiest man in Texas.
– Also we’re doing our final screening of Meet Me There before the DVD release on January 21, so if you can be there for that, be there for that. One or more guys who paint themselves gold and wear shiny bodysuits for a living will be in attendance. Smackdown’s in town the night before, so even I don’t know who all’s coming. Dean Ambrose could pop out of a giant tub of popcorn for all I know.
Please click through for the final Best and Worst of WWE Raw of the 2014.
Worst: Edge And Christian
I give wrestling fans a lot of grief for not remembering anything or understanding characters, but if you think about it, it makes sense. WWE doesn’t remember anything or understand their characters, either. FROM YOU, ALL RIGHT? I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU.
Nobody seems to remember that Edge and Christian weren’t a beloved babyface tag team. They were heels. They were ALWAYS heels. The five second poses, the kazoos, the phrases like “reeking of awesomeness” … those things were supposed to make them look dorky and uncool, and sorta sarcastically detached from the audience. It’s not even a Rock situation, where his catchphrases were originally meant to get heat but followed him over when his alignment changed. When Edge and Christian broke up, it all stopped. Edge didn’t stand in the ring and say “RRRRREEEKING! OF! AWESOMENESS!” while the crowd chanted along. The only place I’ve ever seen Christian get a face pop for the five second pose is on the indies.
WWE’s got an odd habit of discrediting smarks, waiting 10 years and then claiming whatever smarks liked as an example of something they did right. In 10 years Damien Sandow will be guest hosting Raw and yelling “silence” while the announce team chuckles. Edge and Christian are great, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t like how they’re presented here. Maybe I’m just tired of old guys showing up and having pat-on-the-back reunions every three weeks.
Best: Brock Lesnar Wants To Penetrate Virgin Necks
Anyway, before things get too self-congratulatory, BROCK LESNAR. I had my back to the screen, and when his music hit I yelled “YES!” to nobody and spun in place. Brock Lesnar’s become this weird, purple litmus test for whether or not I’m going to like Raw. He hasn’t been on many, and I haven’t enjoyed many.
After a few minutes of Paul Heyman working gross phrases like “penetrate the virgin neck,” John Cena interrupts. The best part of the entire opening is Cena trying to act like a badass against the one guy who routinely mauls him, and Brock just kinda hanging back in the corner not giving a f*ck. I loved it. Cena’s a terrible person so he has to attack Heyman to draw out Lesnar, then acts like he’s somehow triumphant when he fails to pull the trigger on his own cheap shot. What a scumbag.
Best: Edge’s Sami Zayn Shirt
a joke about Lita and skanking
The only thing that would’ve made it better is if Lesnar had shown up in an Adrian Neville tee.
Best/Worst: ‘The Match Before The Finish’ Is A Thing I Have To Type Too Much
The trick to getting a great match out of Rusev is putting him in the ring against somebody who can hustle. That’s it. If you put him in with Big Show or Mark Henry or Ryback he’s gonna falter, because they out-hoss him, but can’t keep up with the stuff he does on top of it. You can’t pull off an exciting superkick sequence with Mark Henry, you know? And you can’t believe that Rusev strikes fear into anybody’s heart when they face is a foot taller or 100 pounds heavier.
With a guy who can hustle, though, Rusev is an ace. Dolph Ziggler’s an amazing opponent for him, because Dolph will run around the ring and jump and flip backwards onto his head to make him look powerful. To compliment that, Rusev’s strong enough to make the powerful stuff look powerful and fast enough to believably catch him and keep up. Hustle is the difference between Sheamus and Jack Swagger. Sheamus will run face-first into something and lean in. Swagger will take a step back and lean out.
The match was a hell of a lot of fun while it lasted, and then boop, WWE finish. Rusev won’t stop stomping Ziggler in the corner, and the referee throws it out. Rudy Charles has something against good wrestling matches, I think. I’ll write about it more when I get to Rollins/Reigns (which had the more egregious shitty finish), but pretending to be 1995 Nitro and putting all your big stars against one another every week on free TV books you into these corners where you have to have the match, but you can’t have it end. You don’t put any effort into creative before it happens, so when it IS happening of COURSE you aren’t going to be creative. Your talent’s good enough in the ring to get something worth a damn out of your laziness, but you’re just running them through this bizarre car wash that shines them up real nice and dumps mud on the hood on their way out.
Worst: Let’s Watch Wrestling Fans Shit All Over A Guy’s Attempt At Honesty And Context Because He Isn’t A Wacky Comedy Master
So, Ryback takes a few minutes to stand in the ring and tell people why he’s a wrestler, and what matters to him. He shows a horrible scar on his leg, ties in his entire WWE history including his Tough Enough appearance and run with The Nexus, then brings it back to Rusev. It’s honest, establishes character motivation, makes the babyface sympathetic and not only acknowledges but evokes and explains continuity. The crowd chants “what” whenever he pauses. Online, everybody’s making fun of him like he was Mr. T saying he loved his mother.
I get it. His delivery was monotone, he went a little long and it wasn’t particularly thrilling. What I don’t like is how WWE’s fostered this environment where human emotions are seen as a detriment, and characters are only praised if they’re entertaining. We’ve been taught to see “entertainment” as a choice they make. They must always tell us they love us in a loud, funny voice. If not, they have to be “tortured.” Even most of the torture gets what chants. Listen to Bray Wyatt. That guy has to loudly gasp between every word now just to keep people from booing him out of the building, all because he isn’t saying the town name, “you the WWE Universe” and some wacky words. We aren’t allowed to truly connect to anything, because connection makes you weak. The only connection allowed is “I entertain you, and you like being entertained.” John Cena could be Yippie The Backflipping Dog. It doesn’t matter.
That said: brother, how’d you expect to namedrop The Secret and not get heel heat? My girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s passive-aggressive mother gave that to her for Christmas.
Worst: Natalya
I don’t know what Natalya wants, or why I should care about her. It’s been clearly established on two-to-three concurrent television shows that she’s in a loveless marriage. They hate each other, but neither of them has any self-esteem and they’ve known each other since they were embryos and they’re obligated to a bunch of house cats, so they stick it out.
Natalya wants the Divas Championship, I guess. Tyson wants to be on Raw, but is too entitled to really do anything about it. Natalya keeps dragging his spotlight-hogging ass down to the ring, then getting mad when he tries to hog the spotlight. She doesn’t want him to interact with the Bella Twins, so she keeps asking him to be at ringside for her matches against the Bella Twins. She gets this nonstop stream of shots against them, and whoops, she accidentally knocked one of the Bellas into Tyson! And now she’s UPSET and DISTRACTED!
It’s like watching a stupid kid touch a hot stove and cry about how it burned them, but here they are reaching for the f*cking stove again. I wish “bitch,” “jealous” and “stupid” weren’t the only Divas characters.
Worst: The Usos Have Even Worse Motivations Than Natalya
Maybe I missed something, but I have absolutely no idea what the Usos are talking about. They defeat Miz and Damien Mizdow for the tag team championships, then hoist Naomi on their shoulders and talk about how they played mind games. Do what? How did they play mind games? Miz gave Jimmy Uso’s wife a business card to put her in contact with a producer, then barely paid attention to her for a month. Before the match she finds him backstage to thank him for giving her an opportunity, and he’s all, “sure, that’s great.” Then the Usos beat him in a match he ostensibly wrestled 2-on-1 because his partner’s funny but worthless, and … that was mind games? Did Naomi not talk to a producer, and tell Miz she did so he’d be slightly happier before his match? Did Jey reveal he’s Keyser Soze or something, and did I just miss Sandow dropping his coffee mug in shock?
Best: Are We Allowed To Say We’re Going To JR’s Barbecue?
1. Listen to the Usos in that backstage fallout video. They’re trying to be cool, but they look and sound like tanuki who’ve shape-shifted into humans but don’t really understand how humans work.
2. When they say they’re “going to JR’s barbecue” they mean they’re watching Wrestle Kingdom on pay-per-view, right?
Best: There Is A Lot Of Wrestling On This Show
Aside from that blind spot, I really liked the tag match. I hope The Miz gets a little love from The Internet for how hard he’s working. Sandow gets the crowd response (and rightfully so), but Miz basically worked a 2-on-1 handicap match and carried the entire thing. The poor Usos don’t have much in the tank besides the jumping and the leg-slapping kicks. Watch Jimmy try to chain together submissions if you don’t agree with me. Remember when Miz was the guy who couldn’t properly do a submission? And now he’s locking in a tight figure-four like ten minutes into whomping two guys.
I’m not sure I loved any of the match finishes last night — any of them — but I wanted to formally type that I appreciated the wrestling show having so much WRESTLING. There was too much talking, too, but if you’ve got three hours and one’s devoted to wordy speeches, at least stock the remaining two with matches instead of in-show commercials, Moments Ago recaps of speeches we’ve already sat through and Special Guest Appearances by Yokel the Farting Comedian.
Worst: On The Bright Side, Claudio Castagnoli vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi At Wrestle Kingdom 10 Is Gonna Be Really Great
Poor Cesaro. Poor, poor Cesaro.
As a fan, I don’t think I could feel any worse for the guy. His new character is that he’ll never succeed and everyone hates him. That’s … not good. As a person trying to watch the show constructively I don’t see it as a “burial” or anything totally hopeless, but it reminds me of when Lance Storm’s gimmick became “he’s boring.” There’s not a positive way for that to end. You either have to muddle through it until they give you something new, or be forever known as the guy who has an unsolvable problem. They made Lance Storm exciting by having him do the cabbage patch and saying he had a big dick. I don’t know what they’re going to do with Cesaro. They already tried yodeling, and that seems like the bottom.
What bothers me is that the announce team has latched onto it and won’t let go. If your ultimate plan is to go somewhere with the “he doesn’t have IT” gimmick and do something with him, you can’t laser in on a speaking mistake he made as a guy who did not grow up speaking English, especially when you know what he meant. When he said he’s inside “these four ropes,” he meant “these four sets of ropes.” I know he meant that, you know he meant that. Nobody who isn’t six or an asshole thinks he can’t count to three, but there’s JBL’s raggedy, counterproductive ass bringing it up every five seconds. PAY ATTENTION TO HOW STUPID HE IS, MAGGLE! THE TALL, HANDSOME, MUSCULAR GUY WHO SPEAKS FIVE LANGUAGES AND WRESTLES BETTER THAN EVERYONE CAIN’T COUNT TO THREE, A HYUK HYUK!
I just wish they’d get over this stupid etiquette hump, or stop trying to get “he’s bad at everything and you hate him” over as a gimmick. Whatever they’re doing. There should not be a scenario in the world where Bad News Barrett returns and wrestles Cesaro and I hate it.
Worst: Luke Harper’s Bad Southern Accent
You’re from upstate New York, man. Stop trying to sound like a Toni Morrison character. It’s embarrassing. And hey, if you’re gonna keep doing it, at least pick a southern accent and stick with it. Bray Wyatt can jump between accents because he’s kinda sorta supposed to be a white trash Floridian possessed by an ageless demon. What’s your thing, you’ve got big eyes? You can have big eyes without sounding like Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain.
As for Harper vs. Jack Swagger, Jack Swagger is cold booger on a paper plate and I’m pretty sure I don’t ever want to see him wrestle again.
Worst: All Old Wrestlers Are Friends
Remembering when Edge attacked John Cena’s parents IS funny. Maybe Christian should’ve stuck around to remind Edge of the time Cena attacked him and tossed him into a tidal estuary while making sex jokes. Or the time Cena brutally attacked him in a hotel room. Or when he attacked Edge’s girlfriend and repeatedly called her a whore for two years. And Cena WAS THE GOOD GUY. That doesn’t even touch Edge’s half of it, which included attempted murder via electrocution.
Sometimes old rivals should not hug and say how much they respect one another. The end of every story shouldn’t be “I respect everyone.” That discredits the disrespectful acts COMMITTED. What did Edge do to “pay” for torturing Cena for years? Lose the championship and have to retire in an unrelated situation? “You don’t get to wrestle anymore, therefore you’re totally forgiven?” That’s bullshit. Ric Flair and Dusty Rhodes should not be buddies. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels should not be buddies, even if they made peace over one specific incident. If there’s one person in the WORLD John Cena shouldn’t kiss ass on and befriend, it’s Edge.
The worst part is that they only had them be friends so they could use Edge as leverage 40 minutes later.
Best: Big Show’s The Only Guy In The Company Who Understands What Heel Commentary’s Supposed To Sound Like
At points I couldn’t tell if Show was on color commentary or if I’d somehow left my physical body and Quantum Leapt into JBL. Big Show was GREAT on color, and did a better job of establishing feuds, explaining character motivations and getting everyone over in one match than the Raw team did with every match combined in 2014.
The trick to good heel color is to tell the truth, but to tell the asshole’s truth. Point out things that COULD be true, but can be rationalized as untrue, or sour grapes. You can’t say “Roman Reigns can’t wrestle unless he’s carried and is embarrassing looking trying to wrestle in an airbrushed swat vest and cargo pants,” but you can say “Roman Reigns is all hype.” Because to people like me, that’s totally true. Roman IS all hype. But to fans who love him, they can say “NUH UH, ROMAN’S GREAT” and they don’t really need a ton of ammo. It’s playing with the subjective. You’re a heel because you’re being declarative with your subjectivity. Trust me, I know all about that.
It’s why Heenan and Jesse Ventura were so good. They could say Hulk Hogan was cheating, and yeah, to an objective eye, Hogan was being a butthole and taking shortcuts. Attacking people when he didn’t need to. Going too far to prove points. But the vagueness of “Hogan’s cheating” allows kids or Hogan supporters to rationalize it and say “well, the other guy cheated first! He’s just evening the odds!” To the people on the heel’s wavelength, that doesn’t justify it. Hogan should be BETTER. And that perpetuates the argument, and keeps you talking about the show. You give folks just enough to get them hot, then back away and let them burn up.
That’s not what JBL does. JBL just says CESARO CAN’T COUNT LOOK HOW STUPID HE IS, and there’s no way to defend it. Nobody “likes” that point of view. When Michael Cole says Daniel Bryan’s a nerd, there’s not a constructive group of people who can build a conversation on that. It’s just giving them a catch-all to dismiss something. One fuels what we call “haters” — people who are vocal in their dislike of something, but don’t really have a reason beyond “that’s how I feel.” Those people haven’t made a decision or felt something based on actual reasons or stimuli, they’re just picking a side. Those people are the NPCs of the world. You don’t need the reasoning to be complex, it just has to be there. Show made Rollins seem important by saying he’s the best worker on the show and the future of the company, but kept it able to be deconstructed by coming at it from a biased point of view. He talked shit about Roman, but in a way where you could tell he was scared of him, and only out there to take an opportunistic cheap shot. Disputable reason, debatable logic. Conversation. Interest.
Best: Again, Everything Except The Finish
And hey, I’ll give credit where credit’s due. Roman looked all right in there. He was against Rollins and having a good match against Rollins is pretty damn easy right now, but that’s the comfort zone where Roman belongs. Until he’s able to truly anchor the position he’s already being dressed for, he should be wrestling guys he knows and who know him. Cover his weaknesses, amplify his strengths and keep him the hell away from the microphone. Don’t pretend he’s Mr. Kennedy and have him scream something into a mic before badly wrestling Carlito for 15 minutes. Know what he does well and what he doesn’t, and build your Roman Reigns segments around it. That should not be a thing that needs to be explained.
Anyway, it was good. Roman should watch tape of Batista in his prime, because they’ve both got the “build momentum” style. Cole’s probably ruined that phrase, but Batista’s whole thing is that once he really started going he was almost impossible to stop. A “juggernaut,” if you will. If you can keep Roman from running at you, knocking you down and prepping to run at you again, you’re gold. If you can’t, he’s going to back up and run and back up and run and back up and run until you’re dead.
Roman looked really strong is what I’m saying.
A supplemental Worst for the announce team selling Roman getting a cardboard table flipped over onto him as some life-threatening dino damage. EVERY PART OF HIS BODY COULD BE INJURED. Or, you know, he could be a grownup and be fine.
Best! Best! Best!: Oh Thank God
Exhale.
I’ve been holding that in since June.
I was prepared for the worst. When Bryan tweeted on Monday afternoon that he was at a “crossroads” and would tell us about it on Raw, my heart put up the shields and my brain was like, “write a post about it!” I got up the skeleton of a “Daniel Bryan makes a huge announcement on Raw” post without any of the pertinent details attached and sat on it for hours. “This is my job,” I thought. “I can just turn this into work.”
I’ve got a weird habit of trying to turn my big life problems into fiction. When I was 22-years old I was killing myself with an eating disorder and brain damaged from a decade of unrequited love with a Manic Pixie Dream Whatever, so I wrote a book. It mostly made things worse, but I could say, “oh, that’s not real. That’s what the characters in the book think.” In my early 30s I fell in love with a girl who’d had a terrible childhood that’d f*cked her up for life, and I couldn’t figure out a way to help her. So I wrote a movie. I can step back and say, “hey, here’s how we fix it. You just write the ending you want to see.” I don’t know if it’ll ever help.
My favorite people are sports mascots and professional wrestlers, because they’re real, but they aren’t. They’re fictional characters in real life. Their job is to be fictional. They observe trends and follow rails and generally have beginnings, middles and ends. You can detach from them. You (or someone, at least) can control their destiny. Decide their consequences.
The difficult thing is when the pro wrestler and the real person playing them blur together, or their wrestling character is just them on TV in underwear. Bryan Danielson’s one of those guys. He’s “Daniel Bryan,” but he’s still Bryan Danielson. He’s got a bad beard and a bad haircut that make him look like shit and he’s been hurt for half a year, but he’s still that guy with the buzzcut who entered to ‘The Final Countdown’ on barely-attended armory shows 10 feet from my chair. He’s not Hulk Hogan. He’s not larger than life. He’s that guy who could be the friend of a friend, he just happens to also be really f*cking great at pro wrestling.
This year has been so goddamn difficult, and I don’t think I’ve ever been able to admit why.
Daniel Bryan’s my favorite wrestler. It’s not even close. What he does in the ring is exactly what I want to see, no mater what version of him I’m seeing. The scrappy underdog in Memphis. The ace technical wrestler in tighty-whities on the first ROH show. The Backlund-esque, dickhead Ring of Honor World Champion. The NXT rookie. The way-too-celebratory champion. The goat. The everyman. The hope, and the hero, and the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. He’s the exact thing I want when I turn my eyes to a wrestling show.
My favorite wrestler before that was Chris Benoit. It didn’t end well.
I’ve been making bad jokes and riding him too hard all year because I had to. It’s the only thing that’d let me move forward as a Guy Who Writes About Wrestling On The Internet. You have to be a little cold and detached to do this well, I think. You can’t lose the things that make you remember why you loved it when you were little and didn’t know any better, but you have to be able to say “here’s what happened, and here’s what I think.” If your heart’s broken, that’s hard to do. It stop being fun. You have to just say, “okay, let’s think about something else.” I think I learned that in 2007.
So when I thought Bryan might be showing up to Raw to retire, I took it in stride. Turned it into fiction. Into work. It was a decision made by the people involved, not something that was “really” happening. Part of the show. Maybe Bryan would announce his retirement and The Ascension would show up to beat him up, and somebody’d run out to make the save and that’d be that. The sad goodbye would be a forgettable part of an end-of-the-year show. Maybe he’d get his Randy The Ram speech and really retire, and I could justify it by saying I’d rather see my favorite wrestler go away and be as healthy and happy as they can be instead of die. I’ve already seen one of my favorites die. I’ve seen too many of my favorites die. The value of the man’s life is worth more than his ability to make me temporarily happy by pretending to fight.
He came to the ring dressed like an employee at a juice bar and talked about his dad dying, and my fingers kinda hovered over the keys as I prepared to write, “Daniel Bryan announced his retirement from WWE on Monday.” It was going to be fine. I could give my unrequited, vicarious fandom to some other talented guy who wouldn’t make it unless we begged them to for a decade. Cesaro. Dolph Ziggler. Somebody.
“Is my WWE career over?” I don’t know if I’ve ever hung on one word more in a wrestling segment.
“No.”
He gets fired up and announces that he’s in the 2015 Royal Rumble, and my fingers aren’t on the keys anymore. They’re in the air.
I don’t know if the story will end happily. I don’t know if he’ll ever get to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion again, or if he’ll just play it safe and do a bunch of headlocks and clotheslines and stop throwing himself heart-first into everything he does. He might not ever be 2006 American Dragon again. He might not be 2010 NXT Rookie Daniel Bryan again, or 2012 World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan, or 2014 WrestleMania XXX Bryan. He might be a new thing. A little different. It might end in another arena full of confetti, or it might end with him blowing out his shoulder in March and having to retire anyway.
I don’t know how the story will end, but I couldn’t be happier knowing we can finally turn this page and start another chapter.
Best/Worst: THE ILLUMINATI’S HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS, LOOK OUT
STRAIGHT FROM THE MASONIC TEMPLE AND INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM IT’S KONNOR AND VIKTOR, AND THEY ARE WEARING SHOULDERPADS AND THEY WILL YAH YOU TO F*CK.
First things first, I love the “SUPPORT NXT CALL-UPS” sign. Almost as much as I love the “NXT” chants. I want “NXT” to become the new “E-C-Dub.” Every generation should have their own version of the “this reminds me of a thing I love” chant. Second things first, I love that the difference in NXT Ascension and WWE Ascension is a cocaine party at the Sephora. They’re “precious little goth baby cartoon wrestlers” and I’m okay with that.
Two problems:
1. They still need a better finisher. The Fall Of Man is just that bump you do in wrestling school where a guy gets on all fours behind you, and somebody pushes you over them. OH NO, YOUR TRICEP BUMPED MY SHOULDER, NOW I’M KNOCKED OUT.
2. You debut The Ascension via the babyface guest hosts using them to punish an exhausted, half-babyface tag team that were World Tag Team Champions until like an hour and a half ago? Miz almost beat two guys by himself and you’re throwing him under THIS bus? I don’t get that. I mean, it’s not like The Ascension killing Los Matadores would’ve been any better, but c’mon.
Worst: John Cena’s The Coward Heel In Charge And Now Everything’s Meaningless
So, John Cena.
John Cena hates The Authority, but Vince McMahon randomly gave him the ability to bring them back if he wanted. That seemed super suspicious at the time. Cena also hates Seth Rollins, who was the non-snake avatar of The Authority and holds the Money in the Bank briefcase, which is basically the “if you can beat Brock Lesnar, I’m immediately taking the belt from you” contract. Cena ALSO hates Edge, who was his blood rival for half a decade, except now he doesn’t because they had a decent backstage conversation 40 minutes ago?
Seth’s big plan is to bring out J&J Security and Big Show, blast Christian in the stomach with a briefcase (killing him instantly, apparently) and using a guy John Cena hated until a minute ago as ransom to get back the kayfabe Worst Thing Ever and negate Survivor Series. Unstoppable noble Face That Runs The Place John Cena gives in almost INSTANTLY. The Authority returns, and the guy who captained the anti-Authority team to rid the company of them and save WWE’s future has just arbitrarily brought them back to save the health of a guy he hates who’s never around.
Jesus f*cking Christ.
Where to even begin? Christian, I guess. Hey Christian, you’re the least helpful person in the history of wrestling. Couldn’t we have let the guy get up and like, be held down by J&J? At least make him look like he’s trying. He’s the one guy in the ring with an actual connection to Edge. He didn’t need to explode into a pile of dust and float away on the breeze because he got bumped in the gunt with a handbag.
Cena. When Cena gives in, Rollins decides to stomp Edge anyway. Cena runs into the ring unobstructed and stops him. Couldn’t he have done that to start with, and not brought back the major villains and NOT took a festering shit on Dolph Ziggler and Sting’s faces for doing his work at Survivor Series? What was the point of the past two months? Watch the Backstage Fallout video. Ziggler’s response is exactly right. Just a shrugging, tired acceptance that nothing here makes sense and everything’s bullshit. It’s not fiery wrestler anger, it’s just “welp, I’m not important, sorry for trying.” What’s the worst that would’ve happened to Edge, even? He didn’t have a gun to his head. If Rollins didn’t get that full run and bounce off the ropes, what, he would’ve stomped him in the head once from a short distance? Put his body weight on him? Edge can’t bump and wrestle anymore, he’s not a little girl with a ribbon around her neck that makes her head fall off if you untie it.
EDGE. How funny is it that karma turned the “ultimate opportunist” into a helpless, avian old man who’s only good at being a victim?
Also:
Best: So Is Edge In On This Or Does Stephanie Wait Backstage At WWE Events With Champagne In Her Hand Just In Case
Cena agrees to bring back The Authority, and within seconds here they come around the corner in full costume, TitanTron loaded, holding CHAMPAGNE. How many shows in a row have they gathered in gorilla with a bottle and hoped Rollins could figure something out? Did they wait until Edge showed up, because they knew Cena would try to make nice with him and he’s easy to beat up? Did this just fall into their laps? Did Seth call them at 8 o’clock all, “hey guys, I have a plan, drive over here?”
The only explanation is that somebody’s in on it. I’ve got a longstanding theory that Cena’s the ultimate bad guy in charge of everything, but even that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Maybe it’s Edge? He looked like a shaken chihuahua when Cena hugged him, maybe he still hates the guy and is secretly Team Authority. Maybe it’s a collaborative effort between some John Cena Legion Of Doom to abuse his good will and get what they want. Maybe Orton will return in a suit of Lex Luthor armor to lead them. Or hell, maybe Orton will return to help Cena and we’ll get a great RKO on Edge where Edge hits the mat and explodes like the guy in Scanners.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
GLOSS
Bryan’s finally gonna announce he’s been the Bunny all along. It explains the neck brace and why Kane keeps attacking him, he knows his scent.
Spitty
:Backstage:
Stardust: “Crossroads? I remember that from somewhere…”
Goldust: “No, no you don’t. You don’t remember that. It sounds like you need some more of your medicine”
Joelski
You guys are all gonna get pissed when he goes in the back and deletes this whole promo.
Harry Longabaugh
“And then I debuted with Nexus. But the important thing is that I was wearing a yellow N on my armband, which was the style at the time.”
Lester
“Hey Punk? This is Zack Ryder. Woo woo woo, you know it. Could you insult me on Colt’s podcast so I can get one of those sweet passive aggressive pushes? Thanks, broski. Call me back.”
Jimmy Uso: “YOU GONNA LET TYSON MACK ON YOUR GIRL LIKE THAT?”
Cena: “It would honestly solve a lot of problems.”
Beige Lunatics
Sorry, Miz. I prefer the Skull Crushing Sibelius. Its interface is more intuitive.
MaleNurseTracksuit
In 2002, I made my WWE debut as John Cena, and entered a feud with Randy Orton, the toughest challenge of my life, and made sports entertainment history.
In 2003, I entered a feud with Randy Orton, the toughest challenge of my life, and made sports entertainment history.
In 2004, I entered a feud with Randy Orton, the toughest challenge of my life, and made sports entertainment history.
In 2005, I entered a feud with Randy Orton, the toughest challenge of my life, and made sports entertainment history.
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[…]
In 2014, I entered a feud with Randy Orton, the toughest challenge of my life, and made sports entertainment history.
Redshirt the Disgruntled Bengals Fan
Bryan: “I would like to announce that I am leaving the WWE and going back to NXT!”
TheCensoredMSol
“Objective truth: John Cena has won the WWE TItle/WHC 6 times since Edge was forced into retirement.” – Christmas Day tweet from Neil deGrasse Tyson
Aces
Reigns outfit makes him look like a goth Tom Sawyer whitewashing the fence.
Thanks, everybody. See you next year.
