Pre-show notes:
– I’m officially on the Road To WrestleMania this year, so if you’re gonna be around and want to say hi, let’s do it. I’ll be at the live NXT show and a bunch of Axxess and WrestleCon-related nonsense, so find me. Also probably SHIMMER, and WaleMania, and whichever part of WrestleCon features Lex Luger.
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Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for March 23, 2015.
Best: Stinger!
Worst: Stephanie Needs To Learn ‘Yes And’
The good: Sting opening Raw. One of the things I need most from these shows lately is true unpredictability, and even though Sting’s on the show, did you ever imagine him opening Raw with a 20 minute promo? Especially after they’ve portrayed him as a mostly mute guy who only gets chatty at Comic Con. Got a new video game coming out? Here’s Sting graciously opining about it for 40 minutes. Blood feud finally happening after a 15 year delay? *swings bat around like a Three Stooge*
The bad: As good as Stephanie McMahon can be, her act only works in the proper context. Maybe I pick and choose the context because I’m a smarky motherf*cker, but when she’s in the ring with Cena and he’s like “lol ur bitchhh,” she gets casts WOMAN IN POWER and shuts him down. The problem is that Stephanie’s not always great at letting her opponent get over on her, even in conversation.
The promo starts with Sting establishing one important, necessary fact: the truth that “fighting for WCW” is dumb as hell at this point, so his actual mission statement is taking out Triple H. It’s simple and effective. According to the video packages Sting’s all about justice, so he’s righting WWE’s big injustice of a guy sleeping his way to the top of the company and lording his ill-gotten power over everybody. Then Stephanie shows up and is like, “uh, no, you’re upset that WCW died. WCW sucked. Do you remember how WCW failed? We won against WCW!” It’s weird. It’s like Steph’s so into the narrative she totally missed him finally dodging it. Then Triple H shows up and it turns into every other Sting and Triple H segment they’ve done.
I feel like Stephanie could benefit from a little “yes and.” Or just spend some time linking the stories together instead of just saying, “no, this is how it actually is, this is what we’re going with.” I know that’s how people actually argue, but the benefit of writing this shit out beforehand is taking things like “will the audience get the subtlety or just roll over for it” into consideration.
Although …
Best: Real Talk About Sting’s Deductive Reasoning Skills
Stephanie throwing Sting under the bus for being stupider than a domesticated dog was pretty great, though, because Sting’s colossal stupidity is one of his defining traits. Keep in mind this is the guy who was thrown into shock by basic magic tricks, was tricked by man-sized birthday presents, had MULTIPLE doppelgangers as both friends and foes and once had to be saved from a freestanding shark cage by a fictional character. This is the guy who painted his face like The Crow, hooked himself up to a bungie cord just in case and passive-aggressively watched wrestling shows from arena rafters because people didn’t trust him enough. Sting The Character is weird and dumber than a pile of rocks. He’s AMAZING, but “you’re stupider than a house pet” is pretty accurate.
Best: Like Father Like Daughter
Worst: Dean Ambrose
I think WWE broke the land-speed record for fastest time between me loving and hating a wrestler. Wait, I take that back, Adam Rose went from the best to the worst in a week when they changed his entrance theme.
Anyway, “Dean Ambrose” blows. Sorry. I know that’s a terrible thing to type, especially to an audience like this one where beloved indie workers who can go are revered, and God knows I think Dean Ambrose the performer is an amazingly talented and versatile guy. But holy shit, Dean Ambrose The Character is the worst. He’s teaming with R-Truth and R-TRUTH is the better character. I’m not joking. Think about it. Ambrose is technically the guy who started the IC title theft story, so he’s to blame for all this. Truth just holds it together by being the one guy in the feud not taking it seriously. After the match Truth dances and Ambrose joins in in one of those moments that’d be heartwarming and hilarious if it wasn’t such a thick, bold stamp of mid-card disappointment.
Dean Ambrose has no edge. He has no character, even, he’s just a guy who doesn’t wash his hair. That’s his character. He’s the “lunatic fringe” in the way Aldo Montoya’s the “Portuguese Man O’ War.” “Loser Drifter” would’ve been a better nickname. When Truth started dancing, Ambrose should’ve tackled him and tried to cut his throat with a pocket knife.
If I had to list 10 things I want WWE to do after WrestleMania, “remember Dean Ambrose is supposed to be cool and popular” is #1 with a goddamn bullet.
Worst: Have We Figured Out What LL Cool J’s Doing Here Yet
Nice book report on “Mania,” Cool James. “Webster’s Dictionary defines WrestleMania as a wrestling-style Mania! *licks lips*” I wanted the video to end with, “in conclusion, WrestleMania can be compared and contrasted.”
Best: Bill Simmons, I Guess?
Worst, Though: The Bill Simmons Memorial Garbage Match
First of all, Zack Ryder just got a win over The Ascension, so I guess we finally figured out what “the Wasteland” was.
Second of all, this is the most throwaway match of the year, put together to kill time while Bill Simmons did his thing and the announce team shilled the Network. That’s it. Simmons is like, “I like sports! I have a kid! I know some basic stuff about wrestling!” And the announcers were like, “WWE Network!” And Simmons was like, “YEAH!” Meanwhile, 10 random dudes are having a Divas tag.
Here’s the thing: Bill Simmons would probably be a good pro wrestling color commentator if Raw was a place where announcers talked about wrestling. He’s got enough outsider perspective to say why something matters, but he’s enough of an insider that he doesn’t look like they drug my sketchy-bearded ass into the booth and told me to rant about joshi psychology over Nikki Bella forearms. He’s like Mike Tenay’s less educated but more laid-back younger brother.
Best: Miz Selling The Meathook Like He’s Tetsuya Naito
Jesus. Be careful with The Miz, Skip, the last time somebody dropped him on his head like that he was bad at wrestling for three years.
Best: This Would Be The Best Build If It’d Happened A Month Ago
Seriously though, Randy Orton trouncing Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury while Seth Rollins makes mad faces and side-gallops around the ring looking for an opening is great. I particularly loved the image of Rollins going for the Curb Stomp while Orton’s in his “hunting RKO” position, because it makes so much sense. The guy puts himself in position for your finish for like 20 uninterrupted seconds before hitting his. I’m glad Rollins had that idea, and that Orton was smart enough to figure it out before he got his head squashed.
I’m always sad when we don’t get full J&J Security segments. That one where Mercury was playing WWE Immortals and explaining it too thoroughly was amazing. I want to follow them around for three hours and see what they do all show. I want Get Smart’s Bruce & Lloyd Out of Control but for Raw. Go backstage and watch Jamie Noble have a conversation with his wife (Nidia, I’m assuming) about how he’s gonna be late again, because they have to stay at the arena all night checking parked car trunks for Dean Ambrose. Have Joey Mercury visit the Lucha Underground Temple while they’re in Los Angeles and have a heated conversation with Johnny Mundo about how he’s not taking his career seriously and need to buckle down and get a grown-up job.
Best: Nikki Bella vs. Paige, Surprisingly
The Divas division feud is like a normal WWE feud in reverse. Sorta-lengthy championship match on Raw, pointless tag match at WrestleMania.
Regardless, Nikki Bella vs. Paige was one of the unexpected highlights of last night’s Raw. It was one of those matches where you watch them exchange pinfalls or see Paige throw a flying clothesline off the apron to the floor and go, “man, how good would these women be if wrestling like this was the norm, and not the crazy exception?” How awesome would it be if we’d created a world where someone like Eva Marie got signed because of how she looked, but stayed because she was forced to perform regularly at a high level or be chum’d out of the company? A world where being a 7-year veteran who has competed around the world leaves you with a marketable skill set, and doesn’t leave you being Rosa Mendes.
I even enjoyed the finish, which is weird because it’s the most boring and obvious thing they do. Brie Bella’s on the outside getting into it with the disinterested husk that used to be AJ Lee and they start throwing hands, so Paige comes over to be all, “hey, cut it out, I’ve got a title match happening over here.” AJ just blindly throws an elbow and pops her in the face thinking she’s Nikki Bella come a’callin’. Getting unexpectedly PUNCHED IN DA MOUTH (TM Roman Reigns) leaves an otherwise-focused Paige vulnerable to attack, and Nikki swoops in with her Lex Luger forearm and a Rack Attack to win. It allows there to be that babyface miscommunication and the same bogus distraction win without them doing it exactly like they always do, with music at the top of the ramp or someone on the apron yelling and pointing at the referee. It’s tired, but it feels like a reasonable kind of tired. Does that make sense? I bought it is what I’m saying.
I would not be unhappy if they found a way to split this up at the last second and made it a Fatal 4-way at WrestleMania instead of a throwaway tag. Pull the women aside and say, “did you see Charlotte, Bayley, Sasha Banks and Becky Lynch on that NXT live special? Yep, you guys have to outshine them.” Maybe throw an “or you’re all fired” onto the end. Make it real high stakes for both their careers and your cheesecake photos division. Compromise the reality shows and everything. “Kill this match or we’re uppercutting you off a bridge onto spikes.”
Best: Curtis Axel Rapping
No matter what happened, Curtis Axel throwing a condescending “bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay” at Snoop Dogg was great for two reasons:
1. It’s Curtis Axel rapping, which is exactly as Minnesotan as you’d hoped it’d be, and
2. It made my brain finish the line with ARRIBA LA RAZA, ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
Worst: This, Though
Curtis Axel doesn’t matter so I’m not gonna pretend like they did something irreparable to him — this isn’t a Heath Slater vs. Flo Rida situation, to put it another way — but it’s pretty sad to see Hulk Hogan and an emaciated rapper beat Mr. Perfect’s son’s ass in 2015. It just doesn’t make sense, but I guess Snoop’s gotta protect his head from that time he clotheslined Santino and made out with Maria. GOTTA KEEP SNOOP LOOKING STRONG. SNOOP DOGG IS LOOKIN SHIZZLE MAGGLE
I wish things could’ve played out differently. I wish Axel had been able to reverse it and toss Snoop’s brittle ass to the floor, shattering the entirety of his bones on live television, then turned his attention to a shocked Hulk Hogan. Hogan would just be standing there with his hands on the front of his collar, ready to rip but stunned by the SUDDEN ULTRAVIOLENCE, so Axel could just kick him in stomach and throw him on the pile. How amazing would it have been if the LOOK AT US, MAINSTREAM POP CULTURE segment had ended with Axel doing his AXELMANIA Tomahawk Chop over their unconscious bodies? People would actually be talking. Zeus is in the crowd, have him do an elaborate step-in over the security railing and fake choke Snoop into submission.
But whatever. There’s no value in making the people who are available to use on the show every week look good, because celebrities and random appearances from 60-year olds is how you make money in the wrestling business, right?
Worst: “Speaking Of Music, Here’s Kid Ink!”
Nobody has ever said that, Michael Cole, especially not while Paul Stanley’s sitting like 10 feet from you. Ah well, I can’t complain. Kid Ink was my favorite character from Finding Nemo.
Best: CHICKEN FRIES ARE BACK
This is the most ironic Best I’ve ever given. In case you missed it, Natalya’s backstage getting ready to leave as Tyson Kidd wanders in with a bag of Burger King chicken fries. They can’t see each other, so when Tyson’s all MMM I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO EAT YOU, CHICKEN FRIES, Natalya thinks he’s complimenting her. It’s classic miscommunication, and people around the world were holding in deep belly-laughs as Natalya realized her life and marriage were worse less than some grade-F fast food chicken product.
WWE is probably worse at comedy than anyone in the world. Somebody sat on this script all day, you know? Who knows how long they’ve had it ready. Somebody was like, “Tyson’s gonna eat Burger King chicken fries because I guess he left in the middle of the show to get them, and we’re gonna film him eating his dinner for some reason, and we’re already in the back filming his wife changing clothes and putting on her makeup? Go with it. OH AND THEY DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER, THEY BOTH WANT TO F*CK THESE DELICIOUS CHICKEN FRIES.” Then they filmed it and used it and nobody pulled them aside to say “hey, let’s do another take just in case.” Nobody even stopped to say “HEY, HAVE TYSON KIDD SAY ‘FACT’ AFTER ‘BURGER KING BRAND CHICKEN FRIES ARE AVAILABLE NOW.'”
There was also a match involving these guys, but it’s legitimately less important than a chicken fries commercial.
Best: RUSEV CRUSHHHH
AJ Lee and Paige are frenemies and Jack Swagger’s getting beaten up by Rusev. Welcome to eight months ago as Raw rolls on!
Of course, I never get tired of watching Rusev crunch dudes. Jack Swagger’s only employed at this point because they’ve got an important guy on the roster who hates America and John Cena can’t take meaningless pinfalls every week. Is it just me, or does Swagger feel like he’s like two years beyond the point where he should’ve gotten released and turned into THE ALL-AMERICAN AMERICAN JAKE HAGER in Evolve or whatever?
The post-match stuff with Cena was pretty good too, although I can’t stop side-eyeing the announce team for screaming about what an unrepentant bastard for refusing to release a submission hold to make a point when John Cena just f*cking did that on last week’s show. If anything, Rusev’s showing babyface fire. It’s an “eye for an eye” or whatever they like to yell. I’d like it a lot more if it didn’t mean Rusev was getting pinned at WrestleMania before he even gets to the bottom of the ramp, but I’ll take what I can get.
Best: The Thunder Rolls
Every heel promo from now on needs spooky thunder sound effects in the background.
Much like the Orton/Rollins thing, this felt like the Bray Wyatt promo we needed the night after Fast Lane, to get Taker’s otherworldly nonsense into the feud and move it all forward. This is the closest Wyatt’s come to Spitting Hot Fire in a while, and God, the worst part of WrestleMania for me is that The Undertaker and Bray Wyatt are having a MONSTER SPOOKINESS FEUD and I can’t get into it. Seriously, a f*cking pagan wizard giant is having problems with a teleporting bayou cult leader. How is this not my favorite thing that’s ever happened?
That’s the odd story of this week’s Raw. It’s actually pretty good. Isn’t that funny? “It’s good” feels weird. If there were two more Raws between this and WrestleMania and they all moved things forward like this, we’d probably be excited as shit for WrestleMania.
Best: Everybody Wants To Do Kevin Nash
1. As you may know from reading these columns, I’m not a fan of Kevin Nash. That said, there’s no reason to have Scott Hall in the WWE Hall of Fame without Nash. It’s like electing Smithers before Mr. Burns. If you want to honor all the Attitude Era guys, Nash is a pretty damn important one. Now we start the when will X-Pac go into the Hall of Fame waiting game.
2. The video package they aired for him cracked me up. It just starts with like two minutes of guys being like, “yeah, Kevin Nash was so sexy, unf, I wanted dat ass.”
Best: Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler
There’s a moment in Bryan/Ziggler where Ziggler throws a top-rope facebuster, and Bryan starts to sell it like he’s gonna lawn dart himself head-first into the mat. I reacted to that like a dog with somebody blowing in his face. Between this and Bryan’s obsession with taking post-surgery half-nelson suplexes, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to do this much longer. Please stop taking everything on your neck, Daniel.
Ziggler vs. Bryan itself was good. Not necessarily the classic you want from them, but this isn’t really the place for it. Bryan eating a clean pinfall after a superkick and a Zig Zag is interesting, though, because if Bryan wins the IC title at Mania, he’s got a ready-built beef with a guy who’s been pinning him all week. And frankly a Dolph Ziggler vs. Daniel Bryan feud for the Intercontinental Title full of great, long matches with decisive finishes that don’t involve authority figures or run-ins from random trashbag mid-carders makes my heart grow three sizes. If you want to bring legitimacy to a secondary title as quickly as possible, build a division around it full of guys we want to see wrestle, but don’t get a chance to because of all the handicap, multi-man and bullshit filler matches they get stuck in. Everybody in the ladder match plus like, Cesaro. Put Adrian Neville in there. Make it the super version of NXT in a bottle.
Worst Ever: FUSSY FIGHTS
This is the problem.
The WWE World Heavyweight Champion is Brock Lesnar. He’s one of the most legitimate athletes pro wrestling’s ever had and has achieved crossover success, winning the world heavyweight championship in both Shoot and Kayfabe Fighting. He’s accomplished the biggest feats in WWE history: defeating The Rock for the championship and sending him off to Hollywood, being Undisputed WWE Champion, squashing John Cena in a main-event title match and shuffling him back down into the undercard, defeating the Undertaker at WrestleMania, and on and on. He can throw around Big Show like a baby. He trains by picking up trees and running around with them. He’s managed by the best talker and one of the best minds in wrestling. His WrestleMania opponent is a young, fired-up, handsome-as-balls guy who spent most of his WWE career as 1/3 of The Shield, the coolest thing any of us remember happening in WWE since like, 1998. He DESTROYS people. He broke the Royal Rumble eliminations record, won it, ran over the most popular guy on the show to prove himself and is now headed straight for Lesnar. He’s the next heir to the Samoan wrestling throne. He is built on family, honor, legacy and respect, but has learned his trade as a mercenary for hire. He’s got a real-life chip on his shoulder. He’s about to face a monster who makes piss run down peoples’ legs, for the greatest prize in wrestling, at wrestling’s biggest show.
Raw ends with them having a fussy fight where they try to pull the belt out of each others’ hands like they’re f*cking Black Friday shoppers.
What am I supposed to do? Is the title even involved in this feud? When Roman snatched it out of Brock’s hands and the crowd went OOOOOH, I thought it was gonna go down. I thought we were gonna get shoot punches and bloody noses and some crazy mayhem to sell us on Mania. Instead? A guy who’s barely interested in being on the show is trying to get his decorative belt back from an entitled asshole. So … what are we cheering for again?
Remember last year with the whole “yes yes yes” thing? And the sick kid in the front row, and all the confetti, and the … no? Aw okay. :(
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Redshirt
I would give every cent I own for Sting to come out and say, “I’m sorry. I was watching on TV and I actually thought this was WCW.”
MillionDollarDan
“I’m the daughter of the man who single handedly eviscerated WCW.”
Stephanie is Hulk Hogan’s daughter?
StreetSpirit
I really want an Ambrose/Harper Team called Before and After
Doctor Teeth
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my headband on my bicep, my belt around my neck and my jorts everywhere.
J-Bear
Wow. The Godfather has lost a lot of weight.
Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol
Wade Barrett: gives up Intercontinental title on Monday, wins the Powerball on Tuesday.
Lester
To truly represent the troops, they should fight into the crowd and take out a bunch of civilians too.
DoctorCAW
“the only color you see is green…”
“….and my dad will be there to audit each and every one of you!”
nushney
“You crazy for goin’ to this show, Rick!”
Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo
MOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! ROMAN WON’T GIVE ME BACK MY TITLE!!!!!
