Pre-show notes:
– In case you always skip the pre-show notes and still haven’t picked up on this, there are now legal ways to watch Lucha Underground online. You can check out the UniMas website for episodes streaming in Spanish or find El Rey Network on Sling TV for the English-language version. Watch this show!
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And now, the Over/Under on Lucha Underground Episode 33 from June 24, 2015.
Over: Super Fly Is A Super Jerk
Back in the long long ago, Super Fly wrestled Pentagon Jr. Pentagon tried to break Super Fly’s arm, but Sexy Star bolted in and saved him. To punish her for being a decent human being, Dario Cueto sided with the pissed-off ninja skeleton — good call — and put Supes and Sexy in an impromptu luchas de apuestas match with their masks on the line. Sexy won, Super Fly lost his mask, and Pentagon showed up to break arms anyway.
Because loss and grief are weird f*cking bedfellows, the unmasked Super Fly returned dressed like an Uso and punched Sexy Star in the face, costing her a big match against the aforementioned Ninja Skeleton. Pentagon took the opportunity to try to end Sexy once and for all, and would’ve succeeded if it wasn’t for that pesky Vampiro. Now Super Fly’s left having to give Vampiro an explanation for his actions, and they’re gloriously warped … Sexy “stole” his mask, so now he wants her to experience the same pain and loss he’s felt. Vampiro’s like, “Sexy got put into that shitty match just like you did and she won fair and square, why are you being such a dick,” but it doesn’t help. Supes has been mentally compromised, and now he’s walking that same badly-lit path to the Dark Master.
The opening match of the show is Super Fly vs. Sexy Star, and Super Fly is so much better as ersatz Texano than ersatz Aero Star. He says he’s not going to underestimate Sexy Star this time and will “put her in her place,” which he kinda-sorta does with a double powerbomb. Winning isn’t enough, though, and he’s got Joker blood in his system or whatever so he tries to rip off Sexy’s mask. All I want for Ultima Lucha is Sexy Star vs. Super Fly Luchas De Apuestas II, and for Super Fly to end the show without his hair or name or gear. In season 2 he’s just “Erick,” the naked bald guy.
Over: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
Speaking of Dark Masters, Pentagon Jr. is upset that Vampiro kept him from his greatest sacrifice, so now he’s gonna sacrifice HIM.
Normally in these reports I go crazy for the ridiculous stuff. If you’re a teleporting ghost lady who transmits life force energies via tongue or a reincarnated dragon or whatever, I’m like YES, YES PLEASE. The Pentagon/Vampiro beef has some of that — a karate skeleton is upset that he couldn’t break a lady’s arm for his dark skeleton karate master because a Canadian guy from a vampire cult stopped him — but at its core, it’s about two dudes who want to beat the holy Christ out of each other. That’s what wrestling’s about, when you boil it down.
Remember when The Shield was feuding with The Wyatt Family? The big moments in the build-up weren’t kidnappings and wordy promos and ridiculous situations, they were one team standing in front of the other and doing nothing, and the crowd building and building and exploding because they wanted to see something. It was a masterful manipulation of anticipation. By the time they got to the execution of the payoff, we were so all-in that basically anything they did was great. The fact that the 6-man at Elimination Chamber 2014 was so good made the entire exercise worthwhile.
That’s the feeling I got from Vamp and Pentagon on this episode. It’s just Pentagon being all I’M GONNA BREAK YOUR SHIT and Vampiro being all MAYBE NOT, I’M CRAZY ON MY INSIDES, and the crowd just going nuclear while they stare each other down. There’s some light shoving to let us know it’s on, but that’s it. The crazy stuff will happen later. For now, we enjoy the anticipation.
(I also appreciate that we got from Sexy Star vs. Pentagon Jr. to Sexy vs. Super Fly and Pentagon vs. Vampiro in a way that made sense for everybody and felt earned. Thumbs up emoji.)
OVER: SPEAKING OF SKELETONS
It’s SKELETON WEEK at Lucha Underground, and I’m super okay with that.
Ivelisse, Son of Havoc and Angelico are back in the gym working out and doing their “hey guys, we need to get on the same page, it’s been months and we’re still acting like teens” thing when they’re confronted by CATRINA. Catrina (the teleporting ghost lady with the prehensile receptacle tongue, if you’ve just joined us) gets up in Ivelisse’s face in that Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson kinda way, then attacks them by summoning the Disciples of Death with her magical earthquake rock. I really hope you’ve been watching the show for the past 30-ish episodes, because out of context this sounds like the weirdest show of all time.
Anyway, we learn that The Disciples aren’t guys who show up dressed as skeletons to be a part of a spooky faction … they’re CREATED VIA HORROR ELECTRICITY. The Unlikely Trio’s standing there and all of a sudden there’s purple electricity coming up from behind them, and boom, there’s CREEPY SKELETORS. I’m telling you, the only thing I want from a Lucha Underground series finale is for it to be pre-taped enough to work this CGI into matches. I want Drago turning into a dragon to fight Matanza and I want Mil Muertes to summon Disciples of Death like he’s using a special attack in Marvel vs. Capcom.
Over: Aero Star Plays The Odds
This week’s Aztec Medallion match is a fourway between Aero Star, Cage, The Mack and Marty ‘The Moth’ Martinez. Aero Star wins it with his rope walk rana and a springboard splash, and at first I was like, “wait, AERO STAR won?” But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Cage and The Mack are beefing over locker fights and cancel each other out, leaving Aero Star and Marty The Moth. Marty ain’t winning Aztec anything, so Aero Star’s the guy.
I have to give it up for Marty The Moth, though … that guy’s suddenly become one of the most entertaining characters on the show. He works because he’s so different. Everybody in Lucha is so damn pulp serious, what with their I AM DEATH and I HAVE INFINITE LIVES and I AM GOING TO BREAK ARMS SO THE DEVIL WILL BE HAPPY and I WILL FEED YOU TO MY DEFORMED CAGE BROTHER gimmicks. Even the less dramatic characters have a serious edge to them. Son of Havoc and Ivelisse had their goofy romance angle, but it turned into this life-or-death thing where they had to come together as a team to fight off the machinations of their evil boss. Marty’s just this dope who doesn’t understand the flapping gestures of a moth and yells “AZTEC PRIDE” before and after every offensive move. It’s a very easy character to enjoy. He should never, ever win anything, but he should be around.
In a related note, I kinda want to watch Cage and The Mack wrestle forever. That Sling Blade Mack pulled out was amazing. They work because they’re essentially the same character — big guy who shouldn’t be so athletic being SUPER ATHLETIC — from two dramatically different points of view.
Over: Sorry, Drago, Nobody’s Beating Mil Muertes
Our main event is a one-on-one match to determine who will face Lucha Underground Champion Prince Puma at Ultima Lucha. If you had your money on the dragon, sorry, he ran up against a reborn personification of death.
It’s Drago vs. Mil Muertes, and man, I don’t think anybody’s touching Muertes from now on. Fenix is the only guy who could really hang with him before, and that guy got powerbombed through the roof. That’s an actual thing that happened. Dives don’t hurt him, he throws his OWN dives, and when you go for your cool Dragon’s Lair pin he just rolls over to break it and punches you in the back of your head. He’s dangerously overpowered, and I would super not hate it if season 2 was built around The Temple’s top tecnicos coming together to formulate a plan to take him out. It’s going to take a lot more than one guy who’s dope at lucha libre doing wrestling moves to stop him.
Catrina dropped that “even your cage monster wouldn’t stand a chance against Mil Muertes” line last week and it was reiterated in the “previously on” before this episode, so maybe we’ll get a desperate season 2 Prince Puma stumbling into Cueto’s cage parlor and unleashing the EATER OF BAEL on the world. Maybe Mil gets eaten, and we end that season with a HA HA THIS ISN’T EVEN MY FINAL FORM thing. Season 3 Mil Muertes shows up with gun turrets on his shoulders.
I like this show a lot.
