News has come to our shores via Metro that there is going to be a musical in London based on the life of everyone’s favorite future Idiocracy-made-flesh Presidential candidate, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Said musical debuts next week, and it is a raucous affair with dance numbers, Shakespearean overtones, a character named “Emperor Trumpus,” and a puppet version of The People’s Champ called The Fairy RockMother. As it has always been my dream to stage a professional wrestling version of Hamlet, this is one thousand percent up my alley.
The idea of having the Brahma Bull appear in felt form feels like we need to take a moment and take stock of the puppets we feel would be perfectly cast in the role of our favorite WWE Superstars. (Muppets only, of course.)
Vince McMahon – Sam The Eagle
There is no other boss character in the history of puppetdom that is more of a buzzkill than our feathery friend here. Much like Mr. McMahon, when Sam The Eagle shows up, you know life is about to become a huge bummer for the rest of the performers on the show. He’s the old fuddy-duddy whose idea of a good time is impossibly behind the times. He’s the Evil Authority Figure who only shows up when it appears that the rest of gang on The Muppet Show appear to be having too good of a time.
Sure, you might get a slight nostalgia pop when he shows up, and he’s an important part of the show’s history, but halfway through his speech you could potentially hear the groans in the audience from space. Assuming Linda Trump still has a Cabinet position 30 years in the future, this seems to fit. We’ll have her played by Madame, and Santino can be Wayne Flowers. Santino has worked with puppets before.
Jim Cornette – Pepe The King Prawn
This is a no-brainer. Irascible, opinionated and never misses an opportunity to stir up a little trouble. The idea of Cornette being a talking shrimp who has managed to simultaneously be the most conservative voice in wrestling while also being the most liberal dude in the history of Louisville, Kentucky is one that makes me smile sweeter than mama’s iced tea. They even have the same irreverent fashion sense!
When he’s not railing against “flippy sh*t,” he’s lighting up the POTUS, so Jaime Cornette, Camarón El Rey fits the arc of the play, and the character having a Spanish accent seems like a bullseye of sorts. Considering Big Jim’s feelings about Lucha Underground, this sort of works as a double rib. I like my comedy with layers, my friends.
Besides, every good hero needs a scrappy sidekick who’s constantly yapping. I’ll take a crawfish with a tennis racket as the comic relief here.
Undertaker – Count Von Count
Black coat? Check. Creepy music? Check. Strong association with numbers (like 21-1)? Check, check and check.
Much like our favorite Dead Man, The Count’s career lasted several decades and was (is?) still going strong well into the 21st century. Also like Kane’s brother, at one point it seemed like he was being played by a totally different guy but … nah. That never happened.
Braun Strowman – Junior Gorg (Fraggle Rock)
Can you picture it? A giant, lovable monster desperately trying to get his hands on smaller creatures (Enzo Amore, Sami Zayn, Michael Cole) so he can squish them. If you squint hard enough, you can almost see Alexa Bliss as Gobo and completing Braun’s face turn. Sure, a Harley Quinn/Killer Croc analogy might be an easier working angle, but work with me here.
Perhaps you’re wondering exactly how Braun Strowman figures into a musical about The Rock, but here’s the thing: Braun Strowman figures into EVERYTHING. Are YOU going to tell him he doesn’t? Good luck with getting those hands.
God, what I wouldn’t give for an all Mixed Match Challenge that was all WWE Superstars and Jim Henson Creature Shop denizens. Speaking of which …
Sheamus – Beaker
Dude, they’re related. It would be insulting to have anyone else portray the Celtic Warrior. Honestly, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew is missing some teeth as well. Slap some sunglasses and kilts on both of them, hit the spotlights and you’re pretty much set The Bar. (I know. I’m not proud of me either. We’re almost done here.)
Emperor Trumpus – Oscar The Grouch
The People’s Rock is set in a world situated 30 years in the future, where a teenage girl is living in America under the leadership of Emperor Trumpus. The girl’s Fairy RockMother appears whenever she needs him to lay the smack down. Seeing as he is the villain of the play and a WWE Hall of Famer, it is only fitting that we end the list with the President.
(And no, you’re not seeing things. In his initial appearance, Oscar was indeed orange. This thing writes itself!)
How did I do? Pop down into our comments section and tell us who else you think will show up in London in puppet form. I call dibs on Sgt. Floyd Pepper as Woken Matt Hardy.