Previously on Total Divas, a lot of stuff happened, including Nikki Bella’s in-ring return. That season of Divas was preceded by the first season of Total Bellas, where Nikki recovered from neck surgery. These two shows are basically a throughline of the life of the Bellas and their fellas, and we’re just fine with that.
Total Bellas finally returned with the season two premiere on Wednesday, and the conceit is a little bit different this time around. Instead of Brie and Bryan moving to Tampa to stay at John Cena’s house while Nikki recuperates from her neck surgery (which is hopefully a storyline you can only do once), this time we have Nikki moving back to Phoenix for a few months to help Brie and Bryan with Brie’s pregnancy.
And now, the five most ridiculous, bizarre, and baffling moments of the season two premiere of Total Bellas.
Molds And Mullet Wigs
We start off the first episode with Brie getting a cast of her pregnant body in her living room, with Nikki and Lauren and some other friends. Brie talks about wanting to do a nude photo shoot and everyone speculates how much Bryan will push back, both about the body cast and about the nude shoot. That’s when Bryan enters, wearing a mullet wig that is never once explained. I think it might be earmuffs? For those cold Phoenix mornings.
JJ And Bryan Are Jerks
Sure enough, Bryan DOES push back against the nude photo shoot, because he knows it will end up on Instagram and maybe national television and everywhere else, and he’s not comfortable with that. Brie insists that some things will stay just for them, like the body cast. Bryan helpfully points out that this ISN’T just for them, because there’s a camera crew RIGHT THERE. Lauren encourages Brie to do the photo shoot, because she did one when she was pregnant and she’s really glad she did.
The guy who isn’t glad Lauren did is JJ, who sits next to Lauren, not looking at her and playing video games, while he complains about Lauren’s body winding up on the internet, like she’s his property. He then gets up, yells, and storms out. JJ might suck, everyone.
No, Really Though
Later in the episode, JJ reveals to Nikki that he’s moved out, and that he and Lauren are going through a trial separation. Because he just needs some space right now. You know, now that they’ve just had a baby. Later, he shows up at lunch and pitches what can only be described as “a hissy fit” because he’s hangry. It all works out, kinda, as he and Lauren reconcile, but man alive is JJ a bag of farts in this episode.
Nikki’s Rental Property
In preparation for the move to Phoenix, Nikki shows John a lease property that she found in Phoenix, and it’s … ridiculous. As they’re looking at the property, Cena wonders, “Do you really need all this space?” And no. She doesn’t. I guess you must get used to living in a mansion. I think Cena should let ME move into his Tampa place for a while and see if that’s true. It’s for science, John.
Cena puts off telling Nikki that he can’t move with her to Phoenix, because he’ll have a total of three off days over the next couple of months, and he needs to spend that time in his own home. She takes it well!
Crazy Uncle John
The person who DOESN’T take it well is Brie, who thinks John isn’t making attempts to be part of the family, and now that the shoe’s on the other foot, he’s not willing to make the same sacrifice that she and Bryan did for him. She says that he hasn’t proven yet that he’s really going to be an uncle to the baby. That’s silly. I never see MY uncles, and they’re still uncles.
They also decide that the baby will call John “Uncle Shushu,” which is “uncle” in Mandarin. Uncle Uncle, everyone! Eventually, Cena makes the commitment to fly to Phoenix whenever he has 12 free hours, which is completely insane. But everyone’s happy, so yay?
We’ll see you next time, when JJ is hopefully less of a butthole.
