Previously on Total Bellas: I know this might come as a shock to you, but JJ acted like a human butt while he tried to triple his Instagram followers over the course of two weeks. Also, Nikki re-injured her neck, and Brie found out about her ethnic heritage, according to a DNA test.
And now, the most outrageous moments from season two, episode seven of Total Bellas.
Will John Cena Pop The Question?
Heading into WrestleMania, the rumors are swirling that Cena might propose to Nikki at the biggest show of the year. Nikki takes a look at the prop bets, which are 70 percent in favor of Cena proposing. Bryan suggests Nikki put money on “no proposal,” because that way she’ll win either way. They both have a good laugh about that.
The End Of The Road
Nikki goes for tests and X-rays, and she finds out that she herniated the disc above the surgically-repaired area of her neck. It begins to hit home that WrestleMania really might/will be the end for her wrestling career, and she begins to have a whole new perspective for what Bryan went through when he was forced to retire.
She has to go in for her final evaluation the Wednesday before WrestleMania to see if she’ll be cleared, which is pretty crazy to think about. The doctor tells her that if she were his family member, he would recommend changing careers now and not wrestling at WrestleMania. The doctor makes her promise to only do limited, certain things, and clears her on that condition.
In maybe the most poignant moment of the Total franchise to date, Dr. Uribe asks her, “What’s wrong with you that you want to do this? It’s like a drug, huh?” That shit was WAY TOO REAL.
JJ Has A Brilliant Idea That Will Fix Everything
Here is the solution that JJ has racked his brain and come up with to resolve the marital issues and separation that he and Lola have been going through: they will renew their wedding vows! That’s worked every time throughout history! Like staying together for the kids!
Even though this whole thing was his idea, in typical JJ fashion, he quarter-asses the whole enterprise, putting very little thought into everything and making decisions at the last minute. This marriage is destined to be great forever!
JJ gets defensive that everyone thinks he’s going to crap the bed with this renewal just like HE’S CRAPPED EVERYTHING, ALWAYS, FOREVER. He hires a party bus, shows up wearing jeans, and takes everyone to a brew pub and says he has to “go inside and check stuff.” It turns out to be a fakeout, because he arrives in what is technically a suit, bearing buckets of individual bottles of champagne.
He takes them all to a dirt hillside with a cellist and violinist, which is decorated very nicely. And Bryan is the surprise officiant! Everyone is very impressed. I would have been more impressed if he hadn’t gone with a standard Dirtbag JJ misdirect, but I supposed the bar is low for being impressed.
HYPNOBIRTHING
Brie and Bryan are exploring a whole bunch of options for the most granola birth they can muster. They look into stuff like a rental midwife home birth, and HYPNOBIRTHING, a combination of hypnosis and having a baby. They decide not to go with HYPNOBIRTHING after the hypnotist tells them to visualize a lemon, because Bryan doesn’t like lemons. I mean, it was probably a more nuanced decision than that, but that was the takeaway for me.
Brie and Bryan lean toward a home birth, but due to the strenuous objections of their family, go with a natural birth at a hospital with a doctor and a doula (whom Bryan hilariously described as “a half midwife”), because Bryan might possibly be gone at the time of the birth, and they don’t want to leave too much to chance with the birth of their first child.
These Damn Dogs Are Out Of Control
Mama Bella and Johnny are concerned that Brie and Bryan don’t understand how much they have on their plate with mere weeks to go before the baby is due. One of the things they’ve noticed is that Winston and Josie (the dogs) are pretty unruly and have never been properly trained. They try to give the Danielsons the hint with some dog obedience items, which Bryan mistakes for sex toys. Just another normal day in Bellas land.
There’s somehow only one episode left in this season of Total Bellas, and then we go straight into the seventh season of Total Divas. Everyone wins!
