The biggest wrestling news this weekend wasn’t the thrilling debuts and pageantry of NXT TakeOver: Brooklyn II or the bloody confusion of WWE SummerSlam, but the fact that two extremely under-qualified pro wrestling bloggers won and briefly held a legitimate Japanese pro wrestling championship previously held by Rey Mysterio, Asuka and Zack Sabre Jr.
1. This was absolutely not the biggest wrestling news of the weekend, and
2. The belt has also been held by household pets, a variety of inanimate objects and an invisible guy
Our own Bill Hanstock sat down with viral pro wrestling sensation and NOT an undercover cop Joey Ryan to talk about his string of hilarious viral videos, his prehensile action penis and his prestigious DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship. If you haven’t been following along, that title belt can be won anywhere at any time for any reason, 24/7, as long as a referee is present. Bill discovered that, took a swing at Joey with a tripod and won the championship. Every entertainment site is just gonna get sued and shut down by wrestlers, watch.
During his celebration, Pro Wrestling Editor Brandon Stroud turned an impromptu dance party into an Austin Aries-style dance party, capturing the championship with a rolling forearm. Soon thereafter, a car wash waterboarding occurred, and the championship was back in the hands of the King of Sleaze. Joey Ryan shared the title changes on social media, but this is the first time the three-part epic has been collected into a remastered special edition.
Here are the former champions with their thoughts on winning the title belt, which is (scoff scoff) sure to be the first of many.
Bill Hanstock: You know, I have to be honest with you: that whole night is kind of a blur. I knew about the Heavymetalweight Championship; of course I did. But sitting there with it right in front of me, an actual pro wrestling title within my reach — I sort of entered a fugue state and allowed my pro wrestling lizard brain to take over.
Did I lure Joey Ryan into this sit-down interview with the express purpose of taking his championship? Well, that is quite an accusation, hypothetical reader! To that, I can only respond … Is that Virgil?!
Brandon Stroud: I don’t consider this a cheapshot on my good friend Bill, I’ve just watched so much wrestling that I can’t dance with someone without instructing them to spin in place so they’ll instruct me to spin in place so I’ll have camouflage for the first 3/4 of a rolling elbow. I was just trying to have a mug of alcohol or whatever with famous actress Katelyn Renee on my first night in Hollywood, but I guess that’s where Championship Wrestling is from, so what can you do?
I feel like I shouldn’t feel bad about tapping out to a possible drowning, but I made it onto the Wikipedia page and that makes me as prestigious as blowup doll, three Japanese elementary school children and a Pro Wrestling Wave poster.